Feel Like My Parents Are Toxic

[MikeL1993]

There have been a number of instances this year where I have had a big falling out with my parents and it is starting to make me think they are toxic and abusive.

Back in January, my parents asked me if I was going on my future brother in laws stag do. I said no because I couldn't afford it, I didn't want to go and me and my girlfriend couldn't arrange childcare for our son. This then led to a big argument where I was told I was being selfish etc for not going. Then an hour later they rang and said they were always going to pay for me to go so couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. I then asked them why didn't they say earlier they would pay and the argument could have been avoided but they couldn't provide an answer. I then mentioned that we still couldn't sort childcare, my mum said she would look after our son whilst my girlfriend was working that day. But then three weeks before the stag do my mum said she now couldn't look after our son so my girlfriend booked the weekend off work which used up the rest of her holidays meaning she doesn't have any left for us to take time off together later in the year.

Then in April when I was saying my kitchen was old and needed freshening up they planted the seed in my mind that I borrow some extra money against my mortgage and use it to renovate my kitchen. So I budgeted to spend maximum £15K on the kitchen and had all the necessary phone calls to arrange the extra money. My mortgage company then sent me some paperwork to sign so I went to my parents for an A4 envelope and when I was there my dad said I was going about this the wrong way as I was getting the money before any quotes but I told him I am giving myself a budget to work to and if the kitchen comes in less I can get other jobs done around the house with the money. He couldn't see where I was coming from so I just left his house. But then two minutes later he rang me to say he can see the logic in what I was saying. Later that day I sent the paperwork but then a few hours later my parents rang me saying they would lend me the money and my dad went back on what he was saying and said I was doing everything wrong. I told them I didn't want to lend money off them and they got offended and the shouting started again and they said I'll regret it and don't go crying to them when my kitchen costs more than £15K, but it has now actually all been done for just less than £10K.

Then in June when it was my sons first birthday I told my parents, who are usually early for every appointment, as they were bringing my nan (my sons great grandma) they should get to my house for 1pm as we had told everyone else to arrive for 1:30. This way my nan could spend some quiet time with him before everyone else arrived but my mum and dad only arrived at 1:20 with no apology, explanation or phone call as to why they were late which I found very disrespectful.

Two weeks ago I was getting ready to take delivery of the skip for my kitchen renovation, my parents said they had some old wooden pallets at their house I could use for the skip to go on so it doesn't damage my drive. I asked if they could bring them to me as they have a big SUV whereas I just have a 1 Series and I really didn't think I could fit any pallets in the car. They said I can only have them if I pick them up as they were too busy to help. I said I can wait until another day for them to bring them but they just said no, so I went to theirs to collect the pallets and like I knew would happen due to the width of my boot I could only fit one pallet in the car, all the others were too wide. But as In was trying to fit another in I scratched my car which led to my dad calling me an idiot etc. I told them this could have been avoided if they had chosen to help me.

And the final straw has happened today. My mum rang asking if I could take my nan to a doctors appointment tomorrow, I said sure no problem but then I remembered the kitchen fitters are due to finish my kitchen around the time of my nan's appointment. So I rang my mum back and said "it may not be an issue but the kitchen fitters are due to finish around the time of my nan's appointment, if they finish early or late then it won't be a problem" at which point my mum told me I never do anything to help people. I just replied saying I probably will be able to take her but there is a chance it will overlap with the kitchen fitters so could the appointment not be rearranged to next week? I was abruptly told no. My parents can't take here as they are going on holiday tomorrow but they didn't think to ask if either of my sisters could take my nan instead. Not even 5 minutes after I got off the phone with my mum my dad rang me saying he had heard I'd had a huge argument with my mum and my attitude stinks etc and was basically shouting and swearing at me down the phone until he had worn himself out and just hung up.

After every single one of these incidents my parents then act as though nothing has ever happened and everything is all sunshine and rainbows and I've quite frankly had enough now. I feel like they are controlling and manipulative and toxic and I just don't know what to do as whenever I try and hold a mirror up to them so that I can tell them how they have upset me they just shoot me down and tell me I am being ridiculous. I just feel exhausted with it, I have spent the majority of this year in a rut and feeling miserable and a large part of that is down to them.

Sorry for the really long post but I really need to get this off my chest.

They are being controlling and manipulative. Let go and don't discuss your decisions/plans with them. Make your own decisions and mistakes. Especially don't let them use your children in this.

Funnily enough, because they go on holiday tomorrow they brought the dog round tonight as I always look after him when they’re on holiday which is about 3 or 4 times a year and it is never a problem. But whilst they were here my mum asked me if I would go and water her plants whilst they’re away, I said yes but I couldn’t believe she was asking this when just a few hours ago she was saying I never do anything to help anyone.

I’m struggle to work out whether she’s done it deliberately or if she doesn’t realise how contradictory she looks.

They sound exasperating. I'd just keep my financial issues and decisions private from them. It's horrible how much unnecessary stress some people cause.

They do sound very negative towards you and rather toxic. Do you think they have any idea of the impact on you?

They are and I just feel drained. I’m really not going to tell them much more anymore.

I told them a few months ago when we had clear the air talks and they didn’t really take into account what I was saying to them.

To be honest I’d keep them at arms length and completely surface level conversations only. Polite conversations but I wouldn’t tell them anything or ever ask for anything - don’t give them the satisfaction.

That’s sad. Keeping a distance seems a good idea. Are you very young and they haven’t appreciated that you’re an adult now?

My dad is 56 and my mum has just turned 60 but it’s only the last few years this has started happening.

They disagree with you in order to make you doubt yourself, any time you say no, or can’t do something, they make you feel guilty. They offer to pay for something or lend you money in order for you to feel beholden to them and when they let you down it’s deemed ok.
They are trying to make you feel like a child who can’t manage without their say so, they want to be in control, they try to use money as a way of being in charge too. They see it as a slight that you are capable of living your own life and seem angered by it. If they had there own way, you’d still be living at home, asking for pocket money on a Saturday morning.

Me and my gf don’t ask for anything from them, even though they have offered to look after our son so we could go out for a meal or to the cinema every time we asked they said no so we’ve just stopped asking.

They like to offer to help but the reality is they don’t help. Have they been like this since you met your GF?

Since before really, I was the last kid at home so there was arguments quite often then too

They are having a power struggle with you, they want to take away your independence and self esteem, so you go to them for instructions on how to best live your life. They won’t be told what time to arrive or that you know your own mind, they then try to muddle you up with ‘kindness’ like they were going to give you the money for the stag do or lend you the money for the kitchen, after they have tried to make you feel guilty or stupid. It’s pure manipulation, they change tact to keep you muddled up and not knowing what they are up to.

My gf has said pretty much similar to that, she said them talking to me like I’m dirt but then next minute acting like nothing has happened is deliberate

They never wanted you to leave the nest, they are doing their best to keep you as a child, they don’t like it that you have grown up, with a life of your own.

I had a FIL who was a single dad, he could never accept his days of being in charge of his offspring’s was over once they had grown up. They didn’t need him in the same way and he became contrary, going against their wishes or would try to ridicule them, as though they needed reigning in, like naughty little kids.

It gets to a point where you have to protect your sanity.

It's getting to a point now where when they apologise I just say okay and then don't really say much else as I know in a few weeks/months the same thing will happen again.

Don’t let them know your plans, until you are doing them, if they offer to help then refuse as you know they will let you down. If you can’t afford to go somewhere, then don’t waiver once they offer to pay your way. Don’t confide in them or discuss anything to do with your future or your family. If they complain you don’t talk to them about anything, be vague and tell them, you are a private person etc.
They can’t accept they are not the ones in charge or control of you, you can’t keep getting punished because their children have grown up and they can’t move on.

I think you’re way too enmeshed with them, and tell them far too much about your plans and finances. Stop telling them things and asking for or accepting help, and see if you can recalibrate your relationship as adults. You paint yourself as rather helpless and passive in your OP, with all the saying you have no childcare and you can’t fit pallets in your car and your kitchen needs updating — stop telling them these things. They clearly view them as a sign you’re not a fully-enfranchised grown up.

I agree dont tell them so much. Im 50s my mother still tries treat us like small kids. I told her lately we all grown adults now. Op please nip this now or it be years of misery. My mother was never told no by my dad so she tries rule the roost now. 80s

I suggest you put some of the scenarios into chatgpt and ask it to help you analyse them, work through them and give you tactics to deal with them. We have a similar situation with family members and it has really helped us see through the bullshit and understand their behaviours. Also has given us good replies to the various texts and emails we get.

They sound controlling, manipulative and emotionally immature. I would as suggested above, keep things surface level and don't ask their advice or give them "important" information. You need to set some boundaries now, or it will only get worse. Whatever you do, don't borrow money from them...you will feel beholden and they will feel like they have a say in how the money is spent.

Sorry you have to go through this, it is tough and bloody exhausting.

I have a toxic family dynamic too, and I've been using chatgpt to unpick it. It's been very enlightening and it's given me ways to cope and rise above it. I entered your post into chatgpt and it said:

Thanks for sharing that — it’s a tough and painful read, and it’s clear from MikeL1993’s post that he’s dealing with more than just the usual family disagreements. What he describes fits a pattern of emotional manipulation, boundary violations, and gaslighting, which are all hallmarks of toxic family dynamics. Here’s a breakdown of the situation and some insight that might help:

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🔍 Patterns of Toxic Behavior

Across every example, we can see a recurring cycle:

1. *Unreasonable expectations* — Like expecting him to go on a stag do he doesn’t want or can’t afford, or take responsibility for others at short notice.
2. *Emotional manipulation* — Making him feel guilty or selfish when he sets a boundary (e.g., not taking money, asking for help).
3. *Shifting the goalposts* — They say one thing (they’ll babysit, they’ll lend help), then change it, creating chaos in his life.
4. *Gaslighting* — Denying their part in the argument and pretending things are fine afterwards.
5. *Public vs private face* — Acting as though they’re generous or helpful, then lashing out in private when he doesn’t comply or dares to question them.
6. *Triangulation* — His dad calling and berating him after speaking to his mum is classic triangulation (bringing a third party into a two-person conflict to apply pressure).

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🧠 Why This Feels So Draining

When someone constantly invalidates your emotions, flips the narrative, or makes you question your reality, it chips away at your sense of self. This leads to:

• Chronic stress and anxiety
• Feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells”
• Guilt for asserting perfectly reasonable boundaries

This emotional whiplash is especially painful when it comes from parents — people who are supposed to protect and support you.

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🛑 You Are Not Being Unreasonable

Let’s be clear:

Not going on a stag do you can’t afford or sort childcare for is not* selfish.
Wanting clarity and consistency around major financial decisions is wise*.
Asking for logistical help when they offer resources is not* unreasonable.
Being upset when someone disrespects your time, home, or scratches your car is valid*.
Declining to be the default caregiver for their commitments is a boundary*, not a character flaw.

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🌱 What You Can Do Now

1. Set firm boundaries
Boundaries don’t require their permission or agreement. If they lash out or guilt you for saying “no” or “not this time,” that’s about them, not you.

2. Minimize emotional exposure
You might want to limit conversations to text or email when possible, so you have space to respond instead of react — and a record, too.

3. Recognize the manipulation for what it is
They’re using guilt, anger, and shame to control your behavior. Seeing that clearly makes it easier to detach emotionally from the drama.

4. Consider limited or “grey rock” contact
If they escalate when you confront them, stop feeding the emotional fire. Be polite, neutral, and minimal in responses.

5. Get support
A therapist — especially one experienced in family trauma or toxic dynamics — could help you untangle this web and give you tools to protect your peace.

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💬 Final Thought

It’s okay — even necessary — to protect yourself and your family (your child, your partner, your mental health) from people who consistently hurt and drain you, even if those people are your parents. Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your wellbeing.

You’re not alone in this, and it’s not your fault. You’ve been trying to make it work. Now it might be time to start making it work for you.

Would you like help crafting a message or boundary to them?

This.

While I agree some of their behaviour is off, you do seem to be over analysing some of these interactions.

Holding them being 20 minutes late (but still on time for the start) to a party is a bit much. Your grandma might have taken longer to get in the car than they imagined.

They did have a point about the kitchen. It is usually better to only borrow what you need and isn't financially prudent to pay for an extra 5k over 20 years

But these are your choices and you don't need to ask or discuss it with them. Similarly you could just have said there was no need for the pallets. And I don't think you can blame them for scratching your own car. You knew they wouldn't fit so should stick to your guns.

If you seem uncertain in your own decision making they will worry or seek to influence you more. If you set the tone then it will be easier.

You also mirrored their behaviour in your last example. You can't commit to taking your nan so it's a no. I might be able to but won't know until the time is useless in that situation. It seems like you all have an issue saying 'sorry no can do' and sticking to it. You all flip flop and this is where issues arise.