There have been a number of instances this year where I have had a big falling out with my parents and it is starting to make me think they are toxic and abusive.
Back in January, my parents asked me if I was going on my future brother in laws stag do. I said no because I couldn't afford it, I didn't want to go and me and my girlfriend couldn't arrange childcare for our son. This then led to a big argument where I was told I was being selfish etc for not going. Then an hour later they rang and said they were always going to pay for me to go so couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. I then asked them why didn't they say earlier they would pay and the argument could have been avoided but they couldn't provide an answer. I then mentioned that we still couldn't sort childcare, my mum said she would look after our son whilst my girlfriend was working that day. But then three weeks before the stag do my mum said she now couldn't look after our son so my girlfriend booked the weekend off work which used up the rest of her holidays meaning she doesn't have any left for us to take time off together later in the year.
Then in April when I was saying my kitchen was old and needed freshening up they planted the seed in my mind that I borrow some extra money against my mortgage and use it to renovate my kitchen. So I budgeted to spend maximum £15K on the kitchen and had all the necessary phone calls to arrange the extra money. My mortgage company then sent me some paperwork to sign so I went to my parents for an A4 envelope and when I was there my dad said I was going about this the wrong way as I was getting the money before any quotes but I told him I am giving myself a budget to work to and if the kitchen comes in less I can get other jobs done around the house with the money. He couldn't see where I was coming from so I just left his house. But then two minutes later he rang me to say he can see the logic in what I was saying. Later that day I sent the paperwork but then a few hours later my parents rang me saying they would lend me the money and my dad went back on what he was saying and said I was doing everything wrong. I told them I didn't want to lend money off them and they got offended and the shouting started again and they said I'll regret it and don't go crying to them when my kitchen costs more than £15K, but it has now actually all been done for just less than £10K.
Then in June when it was my sons first birthday I told my parents, who are usually early for every appointment, as they were bringing my nan (my sons great grandma) they should get to my house for 1pm as we had told everyone else to arrive for 1:30. This way my nan could spend some quiet time with him before everyone else arrived but my mum and dad only arrived at 1:20 with no apology, explanation or phone call as to why they were late which I found very disrespectful.
Two weeks ago I was getting ready to take delivery of the skip for my kitchen renovation, my parents said they had some old wooden pallets at their house I could use for the skip to go on so it doesn't damage my drive. I asked if they could bring them to me as they have a big SUV whereas I just have a 1 Series and I really didn't think I could fit any pallets in the car. They said I can only have them if I pick them up as they were too busy to help. I said I can wait until another day for them to bring them but they just said no, so I went to theirs to collect the pallets and like I knew would happen due to the width of my boot I could only fit one pallet in the car, all the others were too wide. But as In was trying to fit another in I scratched my car which led to my dad calling me an idiot etc. I told them this could have been avoided if they had chosen to help me.
And the final straw has happened today. My mum rang asking if I could take my nan to a doctors appointment tomorrow, I said sure no problem but then I remembered the kitchen fitters are due to finish my kitchen around the time of my nan's appointment. So I rang my mum back and said "it may not be an issue but the kitchen fitters are due to finish around the time of my nan's appointment, if they finish early or late then it won't be a problem" at which point my mum told me I never do anything to help people. I just replied saying I probably will be able to take her but there is a chance it will overlap with the kitchen fitters so could the appointment not be rearranged to next week? I was abruptly told no. My parents can't take here as they are going on holiday tomorrow but they didn't think to ask if either of my sisters could take my nan instead. Not even 5 minutes after I got off the phone with my mum my dad rang me saying he had heard I'd had a huge argument with my mum and my attitude stinks etc and was basically shouting and swearing at me down the phone until he had worn himself out and just hung up.
After every single one of these incidents my parents then act as though nothing has ever happened and everything is all sunshine and rainbows and I've quite frankly had enough now. I feel like they are controlling and manipulative and toxic and I just don't know what to do as whenever I try and hold a mirror up to them so that I can tell them how they have upset me they just shoot me down and tell me I am being ridiculous. I just feel exhausted with it, I have spent the majority of this year in a rut and feeling miserable and a large part of that is down to them.
Sorry for the really long post but I really need to get this off my chest.