Do you actually like your MIL? (Lighthearted, sort of)

[MonkeyTennis34]

Bit of a rant.

I’ve been happily married to DH for nearly 20 years and whilst she would always do tiny things to annoy me, over the past year or so, my MIL has really started to hack me off.

She’s extremely mean with her money. Whenever she comes to stay with us we usually will go out for coffee and cake, get fish and chips for dinner. She NEVER offers to pay. It gets on DH’s nerves too. She stays for 3 nights probably once a month to 6 weeks.

She asked me the other day how much I weigh! Is that rude? I think it is.

At Christmas when DH was having some issues with cooking she raised her voice and told me to Get your arse in gear!
She did apologise for this and said she just worried about DH.

When me and DH mentioned that we would be getting our will written soon she commented that it would be “complicated” as DS1 isn’t DH’s biological son, implying that he shouldn’t inherit the same.
DH has been an amazing stepfather and wants everything split 3 ways between his and our 2 biological children and DS1.

There’s other negative stuff regarding how she conducts herself as a human but which doesn’t impact me.

As she doesn’t drive and I work odd hours, it’s always been a given that I will drive her home on the Monday morning after she’s stayed.
I told DH last night that as I’m pissed off with her right now, he can drive her home on the Sunday night.
I turned the situation around and thought I wouldn’t expect him to drive my parents home.

Does anyone else have a similar situation?
I guess I just have to grin and bear it..

Mine has been dead for five years now but she was great.

She didn’t provide much practical help because she didn’t live close enough, but whenever she came to stay she would ask if she could help with housework, in particular by doing the ironing because she knew I didn’t like doing it! She also didn’t have any money so wasn’t in a position to help financially.

Far more importantly, she was very kind, non- judgemental, and supportive of everything I did. She was always complimentary of my parenting, my cooking, my driving, my ability to work and raise a family. She was also almost embarrassingly grateful for anything we did for her, however small.

My husband and his first wife divorced (years before I came on the scene) and mother in law continued to consider the ex-wife as her daughter for the rest of her life (more than 40 years after the divorce). The ex went on to have a number of other children and our mother in law treated all her children as her grandchildren, not just my husband’s son. Yet I was never made to feel that the ex-wife was preferred

My husband is an only child but both his wives had excellent relationships with his mother. We were very lucky and both of us still miss her.

Having said that, I don’t think your mother-in-law’s expectations in relation to your husband’s will necessarily make her a bad person. If your son was likely to inherit from his own father/grandparents it would not be at all unreasonable for your husband to leave him out of his will.

Looking back I wished I'd been far more than honest and assertive with mil saying no, that's unkind etc

Mine is amazing. I love her so much. Wonderful woman.
My own mother on the other hand....

Yup. She is someone I admire greatly, career wise and choices she made for her children. She can be hard work especially as age has now removed what little filter she had.

Both my Mil and my mother behave like children so no use to me always made everything about themselves

@AlternativeView
I do call her out sometimes but it doesn’t necessarily stop the hurtful/unkind comments.
I feel like, going forward, it won’t be a pleasure to see her, just something to get through.
@User415373Ha! Conversely, my own mum is kindness incarnate.

Mine is amazing. Been married to her eldest son for 28 years (together nearly 30) and she’s welcomed me with open arms. Always supportive & never interfered.

My husband on the other hand doesn’t have a great Mil 😼😼

My MIL is dead now, but she was amazing.

This is my situation, MIL took me in as a teenager and loves me like one of her own. My mother is awful.

MIL is… challenging. I am a Pollyanna, finding the best in everyone kind of person which helps. I was really, really hurt and devastated by her not liking me when we first met, I spent at least a year dwelling excessively on it. I’m not the best thing since sliced bread, but her initial judgement was that I was too shy, too unimpressive (she’s very big on people being impressive), sounded too ‘common’ (despite the fact most people think I sound quite posh), didn’t go to a private school, generally thought I was aiming above my station with now-DH. Which I found hilarious as our backgrounds and upbringing are very similar only he grew up in an established upmarket suburb and I grew up in one that I suppose would be seen as ‘new money’. She is, as DH says, a second-generation immigrant - her father emigrated to where she grew up, she moved here - so she’s very sensitive to judgement and a feeling people could be gossiping about her or her family.

She’s very judgemental, has very high and somewhat oblique standards of what is polite and is often complaining about how ‘rude’ or ‘weird’ people against criteria that no one would guess. DH has had at least two extended phases of not talking to her and his father during our marriage.

However she can also give sound advice, she is generous, her criticisms are not always wrong (if sometimes too strongly worded) and there are things to learn from her. Also, she reconciled herself to me once we got engaged and has since said she’s glad he chose me. The fact is she gets annoyed with her best friends, so I don’t take it personally if she criticises me. I like her most on the occasions where she does recognise that she’s odd and a bit messed up – she would be much happier if she generally accepted that and stopped worrying about being ‘normal’!

I think things are going to shift again in coming years – she is in great health and looks amazing for her age (late 70s), but I can tell she is starting to find it harder to, for example, host big groups as she has been wont to do. So I think she is going to start needing more help and support and for her kids to take on more of her role in the wider family which could shift dynamics again.

I absolutely love my mother in law. She’s a blessing in all of our lives.

I like mine. She's annoying, but so am I. I didn't chose her, she didn't chose me.

My own family are at least, if not more annoying, its just I tolerate it better or have a sort of Stockholm syndrome and don't even notice it.

Some relatives both blood or in-laws are toxic which is entirely different altogether.

If your son was likely to inherit from his own father/grandparents it would not be at all unreasonable for your husband to leave him out of his will.

Oh it would.

Nope. Can't stand her! But everyone else around me understands why so it's not all in my head! She's an asshole! Lol

Mine was awful but I was very fond of my ex’s mum, she would have been an amazing Granny.

I can see why your MIL would want to leave her money to her grandchildren though, does your DS1 not have his own grandparents?
if so, would you expect them to leave money to your younger kids too?
if I had step-grandkids, I’d buy them a Christmas present etc and maybe leave them a small gift in my will if I cared about them but it wouldn’t be even with my grandchildren, sorry if you don’t agree but that’s how I feel.

Mine is lovely. Loves and treats her children in law like her own. Only ever has everyone's best interests at heart. Drives me potty at times but so does my own mum.

I struggle a lot more with FIL who has vwry questionable opinions amd treats MIL like a slave.

Not really. Currently separating from STBEx, nothing to do with MIL though, shes just rude, but she's worse to other people than me, can be absolutely horrible to wait staff, and has cut her oldest grandaughter out her will. That doesn't affect me or my kids in any way, I just think its terribly sad. The granddaughter is a good person, has just had a rough start in life, partly due to her fathers, ie MIL son.

I'm glad I won't see them anymore

I have very little to do with mine. She lives 5 hours away with FIL and don’t think about anything not directly in their eyeline. They’ll phone DH to talk about people he doesn’t know that have died, or to share some pointless info about things we don’t care about, but never ask after DD (eldest grandchild). We have very little in common - she never worked and thinks women should be barefoot and pregnant. I don’t adhere to any sexist stereotypes.

I will visit for weddings but don’t go as a matter of course any more.

Neither DH nor I would ever discuss wills or finances, and would shut down any intrusive question or comment with “did you mean to be so rude?”, “I’m surprised you think that comment is appropriate”.

I definitely think you could restructure her visits so that your husband is more responsible for her.

I adore mine and have learned a lot from her. She's unfortunately had very serious health issues, including cancer, and endured a series of very unpleasant operations. Despite that she is unrelentingly positive and stoic and really the family 'glue' that brings everyone together. She is not expected to live beyond 70 (currently 65) so I try hard to make sure we see lots of her.

Sometimes when I am struggling or feeling sorry for myself I remind myself of everything she's endured and it really has helped me become a bit more resilient.

I think what hurt me regarding her comments about the will was the implication that DS1 didn’t deserve anything as he’s not a blood relation to her son.
DH has played a massive part in DS1’s upbringing and they love each other unconditionally.

Not my MIL, but DP’s mum. Love her (so far). She’s really sweet and basically wants to adopt me. 😁

ExDP’s mum, however, was a complete NIGHTMARE. I used to dread spending any time with her, and her control over exDP (and his doormat-ish acceptance of this) chipped away at any sexual attraction I had for him.

I find mine hard work but I can tolerate her in small doses. She is an enthusiastic Daily Mail reader and believes every word she reads which means she has horrendous anxiety. She won't listen to reason though. She's inflicted a lot of her strange anxieties onto my OH unfortunately so he also believes there's a burglar behind every lamp post , and everyone is trying to rip him off or scam him, which is very wearing. I get a bit tired of being locked in the house with all the windows screwed shut. I wish he'd think for himself a bit really. I do wonder what he'll be like when she's no longer around to feed him all of her bonkers ideas.

Mine is like that Bridget Jones character who makes jellyfish sting comments. She does it slyly, like a jellyfish sandwich. Something innocuous, then the sting, then something else innocuous. I play 'count the stings', 'jellyfish bingo', and that saves me from saying anything and causing ructions.
She rules over her children and grandchildren with a rod of iron, essentially bribes them with money. If you're in favour, the cash flows like a river in full flow. If you're not in favour, the purse is firmly clamped shut.
I had my own career and could pay my way long before I met her or my partner. She wasn't able to bribe and control me, and oh boy was that not appreciated! My partner was already financially independent too and low contact with her when I met them, or I don't think we would have lasted. Actually, I know we wouldn't be together!
So no, I don't like her. I tolerate her and I'm polite and include her, but I minimise the exposure to her.

@Newnameshoos
I think “minimising exposure” is the way forward for me too.

My MIL is one of my favourite people in the world. She is funny, grounded and generous. I’d go to her before DM with a problem in a heartbeat.

From reading MN I think I am in the minority with this.