Add him to birth certificate ?

[Nestegg222]

Dd has recently started seeing her father. She's coming up 15. They have not had any form of contact. Until 6 weeks ago. He and dd want him added to her birth certificate and to have her surname double barrel.

I feel like its to soon. But am I putting my issues onto them. Or do I have a point.

Im not going to explain why they didn't have contact as him or me can't change that.

Hmm. It is early but if he had no contact through no fault of his own I guess I would understand that. Like if you, for example, did not tell him he was a father. If he abandoned her then he needs to show his worth!

No way

Nope. And he is an arsehole for suggesting it

It does seem very soon. It could be that you don’t need to actively block this, as there is a chance they might not even go about actioning this.

She’s only 15 and he doesn’t sound like Mr Switched on and organised so it could just be talk that won’t go anywhere. At least for a while.

Not a chance.

She can change her name by deed poll when she turns 16, so I would pacify her with that for now and see what happens in the mean time.

Hes been researching it. He seems in a rush. I said to give it a bit of time because its all very new. He said how long, a couple of weeks? And Dd is getting excited.

Its very hard to explain to him and her. Hes thinking why not I am her father. And she's hes my dad, and im thinking but he's basically a stranger.

Why is he in a rush? Does he plan to try and claim benefits for her? He’s a bloke, they’ll be a reason

Why is he in a rush?

No way

Id be questioning why he's in such a rush!?

He can't do that can he ? If shes living with me? He has a daughter and wife who he lives with. Dd told me he gets 600 a week his wife doesn't work.

She can choose to be called a double barrel surname, without it being her legal name.

Sounds suspicious why he'd be so caught up about not being on the certificate. Id definitely say no and see how you feel in 6 months id still say no.

Tell her to give it six months and if she still wants to go ahead, you’ll support her.
Thats plenty of time for him to show whether or not he’s going to stick around and form a proper relationship with her (possibly including having her over and staying the night at his home eventually).
If he doesn’t, it will save her some heartache if she changes her name and then finds he’s a deadbeat dad.

He gets £600 a week for / from what?

Hes a bus driver

So I think it is really relevant why they were apart until now.

would he have been involved if he could and now he is trying to make up for lost time?

but to answer your question- absolutely not I wouldn’t be changing her name.

It would be no from me. If he is on her birth cert, he has parental rights. You have to ask him to agree on everything, moving schools, going abroad, custody is easier for him. You'll have a fucking nightmare sorting out passports, having to take her birth cert and a letter from him so customs let you through, and her having a different name.

He wants her to have his name. Not his undivided attention etc. It's an ownership thing. Tell her it can be changed on deed poll when she is older if that is what she wants, but not now.

There will be a reason behind it you won't like, and he is using her to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you. So no.

I agree. I just don't want to be the bad guy. Dd has been quite rude to me lately. Its does make me a bit paranoid.

Could be. I didn't find it odd that dd seemed to think about it deeply things like she warrant her name double barrel at school. Im not sure she works have thought of that alone.

After he left I did ask dd why she didn't talk to me about it. She said she did but I didn't listen. I think I may have said not yet and brushed it off it could have been she asked at an awkward time. To honest I don't remember.

I don’t know if he can claim benefits but honestly he must have some nefarious motivation.

Does he pay any child support to you? Maybe mention if he is on the birth cert you’ll pursue him for maintenance.

Im not going that route. He should be paying for her. But I don't want to cause bad feelings it would not be fair on dd.

He is causing bad feelings. He owes her that money.

be firm. Do not change her bc. The only way for that to end is with life more difficult for you.

Is her Dad the type who may have spun a lie to DD and is intended on having DD live with him and essentially "take" her from you.

Because that is the only reason I can see why he would be pushing it so much. As as it stands, you could call the police and have her returned. Wheras if he is on the birth certificate, they will say its a civil matter and youd have to take it to court and given her age, you wouldn't get far. If this is what he's doing, then your refusal could give him a chance to "prove" how difficult etc you are.

I think your best bet is to find a middle path. Rather than messing around with thr birth certificate, suggest deed-poll for the double barrelled surname. Suggest this only to your daughter and get her reaction and then see what happens. You'll be able to see dad's influence on her after she's told him.

Although double barrelling is still a bit of a blow, and yes its too quick after 6 weeks. Its meeting in the middle and if something does go wrong its easy to change back. There's no real NEED for him to suddenly be on the birth certificate.

Also, why has he been talking to her about money? That's a bit odd. Im wondering if he's trying to spin a lie about why he hasn't paid CMS or has paid only a small amount? Possibly turning this into "your mum takes so much of my money and I only get £600"