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Original poster

Hen do when bride is very ill

49 replies

Xxu92 · 20/06/2025 11:50

I've name changed as very outing.

I'm going to a hen do in a few months (Sept). Bride has found out she has cancer and is in the middle of an aggressive cycle of chemo and other treatment.

I don't know if she's in denial but she is going ahead with the wedding and hen do. She's only had 2 rounds so far but seems very ill from it. Hen do and wedding is in the middle of her chemo.

Hundreds of pounds is due to be paid tomorrow for the hen do. It's non refundable. It's being organised by her friend who doesn't live in the same area of the country as the bride and hasn't seen how ill she is.

What the hell do I do? Obviously absolutely awful for the bride but I also don't want and can't afford to lose loads of money if the hen do gets cancelled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xxu92 · 20/06/2025 12:11

Forgot to also say that the hen do also includes activities like Go Ape.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 20/06/2025 12:13

Does the bride know what the hen party consists of, or has the MoH arranged it all herself without knowing about the bride's current state of health?

MysteriousFalafel · 20/06/2025 12:16

I would speak to the bride assuming she’s a close friend and I’d say I love you so much and I’m sorry it’s so shit for you at the minute but do you think we should have a chat about the hen do before lots of money gets paid out? Is there something else we can plan which might suit you better at the moment as I’m just not sure the current plan is the best one.

And then if my friend with cancer needed to feel like Go Ape was possible on her hen do, I’d suck up the possibility of losing money and I’d get myself booked on, if only to give her a good laugh from the ground if she was only capable of watching. If it needs to change last minute to a low key hen do then presumably that’s not going to cost a lot anyway.

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lostinthesunshine · 20/06/2025 12:16

don't want and can't afford to lose loads of money if the hen do gets cancelled.

But you would be spending the same money whether it went ahead or got cancelled. It’s not going to get more expensive if it’s cancelled - or am I missing something?

Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2025 12:18

@MysteriousFalafel to be honest I would do the same -

thrive25 · 20/06/2025 12:19

Maybe speak to the friend organising too .. what a sad situation

Original poster
Xxu92 · 20/06/2025 12:25

MysteriousFalafel · 20/06/2025 12:16

I would speak to the bride assuming she’s a close friend and I’d say I love you so much and I’m sorry it’s so shit for you at the minute but do you think we should have a chat about the hen do before lots of money gets paid out? Is there something else we can plan which might suit you better at the moment as I’m just not sure the current plan is the best one.

And then if my friend with cancer needed to feel like Go Ape was possible on her hen do, I’d suck up the possibility of losing money and I’d get myself booked on, if only to give her a good laugh from the ground if she was only capable of watching. If it needs to change last minute to a low key hen do then presumably that’s not going to cost a lot anyway.

Yes I need someone to do this. I'm probably not the person to do this for a few reasons which I won't go into.

I'll just pay it. Just a shit situation all round to be honest.

OP posts:
Donaldduck22 · 20/06/2025 12:33

I think I'd just be thinking about the very poorly bride and I'd take the hit if I lost money, her health and happiness are more important.

HomeCountyHome · 20/06/2025 12:47

Buy travel insurance. Then if you have to cancel, you should be covered.

Libre2 · 20/06/2025 12:49

HomeCountyHome · 20/06/2025 12:47

Buy travel insurance. Then if you have to cancel, you should be covered.

This is not true as you are already aware that the cancellation might be necessary.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/06/2025 12:50

HomeCountyHome · 20/06/2025 12:47

Buy travel insurance. Then if you have to cancel, you should be covered.

Can’t see travel insurance covering for someone who isn’t the policy holder or their first degree relative being ill due to a condition that already existed when the policy was taken out!

PopThatBench · 20/06/2025 12:51

The Hen Do/wedding is most likely a great distraction for the Bride, something positive for her to focus on.
In these circumstances I’d take the financial hit if it gets cancelled as I couldn’t be the one to take that away from the Bride (or someone very poorly).
Even if she’s poorly at the time, she might still want to go and have enjoyment from watching all her girls do the activities without her (sat on a little camping chair for example with snacks).

Comedycook · 20/06/2025 12:53

I'd ask her if she is still happy to go ahead or would she prefer to do something more low key..then just see what she says. What a sad situation

Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2025 12:53

@Xxu92 thinking of my sons lovely partner 2 years ago ( all ok now at the moment) who was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38 with a toddler - she was incredibly tough and brave whilst having over a years worth of treatment , but I think she wanted positive things to look forward too mentally - and hence if everything was cancelled I think it would have been harder to bear the sheer shittiness and uncertainty - I think if you all can just ‘go ahead’ certainly it would be a mental boost for your friend . One thing you didn’t say - is this in uk? Because even if it could go ahead travel insurance might be difficult on the brides part .

Chia68 · 20/06/2025 12:57

Suggest something more low key, but otherwise I’d go ahead and book. She might need something to look forward to, rather than seeing that people don’t have much hope for her being well.

Fedupandstressed · 20/06/2025 13:17

When I was having chemo, I literally could not go out for the first 2 weeks due to the risk of infection, as the chemo knocks out your white blood cells. Unfortunately I found this out by going shopping towards the end of the 2 weeks and ended up in splendid isolation for the long Easter weekend, after spending over 24 hours on a trolley in A &E.

She’d need to check her dates and tbh I was always wiped physically. If someone had suggested Go Ape to me , I would have gone ape on them. If chemo has finished by then, is she having radiotherapy? Because that will exhaust her as well.

I wouldn’t risk booking if it’s not refundable.

Original poster
Xxu92 · 20/06/2025 13:59

Fedupandstressed · 20/06/2025 13:17

When I was having chemo, I literally could not go out for the first 2 weeks due to the risk of infection, as the chemo knocks out your white blood cells. Unfortunately I found this out by going shopping towards the end of the 2 weeks and ended up in splendid isolation for the long Easter weekend, after spending over 24 hours on a trolley in A &E.

She’d need to check her dates and tbh I was always wiped physically. If someone had suggested Go Ape to me , I would have gone ape on them. If chemo has finished by then, is she having radiotherapy? Because that will exhaust her as well.

I wouldn’t risk booking if it’s not refundable.

You see this is what I was thinking. I haven't had chemo myself but I just can't imagine she can be in a group of dozens of people with such a low immune system. I hope you're well now?

Did you feel progressively worse as the chemo went on?

I just feel like no one wants to upset her by saying all this will probably not happen and its really not my place to be that person.

Yes the hen is in the UK.

I've just actually remembered I have an ongoing travel insurance policy that may help if it is cancelled.

OP posts:
Housemouse245 · 20/06/2025 14:04

It’s hard OP but if it’s non-refundable then I would bow out. I know it’s tough but surely they can find a refundable activity to book?

silkypyjamas · 20/06/2025 14:05

I had a friend who was terminally ill and got married. She picked the hen do and we all booked and paid for it, she booked the wedding and I booked and paid for the hotel etc.. If she couldn't make it for any reason and cancelled, changed her mind I would have lost the money but I am fortunate that it wouldn't have bankrupted me but I didn't think twice about booking and risking losing money. I wouldn't have questioned it, and now she is no longer with us, I cherish those times and I would lose the money 100 times over for another night out or even a coffee with her xx

FlightCommanderPRJohnson · 20/06/2025 14:12

One way of looking at it is that you would be spending the same money on booking whether the hen do went ahead or not - the hen do being cancelled would not lose you money (in fact you would save on incidental expenses during the event).

QuickPeachPoet · 20/06/2025 14:17

Poor poor girl.
I would not be booking and contributing, not just because of the high chance you will lose the money, but because I would not want her to think she has to 'push through it' and participate anyway if she is not well enough, knowing that her friends have spend a lot of money on it. I would put that money aside and take her out for lunch at a date she is definitely well enough.

unsevered67 · 20/06/2025 14:22

I don’t think your insurance will pay out if you book the hen do after knowing the brides condition. The booking would need to have happened before she was ill

Serencwtch · 20/06/2025 14:26

I think it's totally her decision & wouldn't be appropriate to comment but it's also perfectly acceptable to turn down the invite to the hen - 'sorry bride it's not that I don't want to be there but I really can't afford it, id love to take you out nearer the time if you'd like that'

Definitely don't mention that you are worrying about losing money due to her illness - totally get that as weddings, hens etc can be a crippling expense but it's shitty to blame the illness.

roses2 · 20/06/2025 14:27

Can you ask the person booking to book refundable rates and everyone pays a little extra?

Maddy70 · 20/06/2025 14:31

The likelihood of her beings ble to do go ape is small. She will have a picc line and other issues apart from how she may be feeling. All the hens need to get together and say let's do something else. Afternoon tea, even spa days are out as she can't swim with a picc. Line in I couldn't drink on chemo as my liver was wobbly from chemo either so be aware of that