Hen do when bride is very ill

[Xxu92]

I've name changed as very outing.

I'm going to a hen do in a few months (Sept). Bride has found out she has cancer and is in the middle of an aggressive cycle of chemo and other treatment.

I don't know if she's in denial but she is going ahead with the wedding and hen do. She's only had 2 rounds so far but seems very ill from it. Hen do and wedding is in the middle of her chemo.

Hundreds of pounds is due to be paid tomorrow for the hen do. It's non refundable. It's being organised by her friend who doesn't live in the same area of the country as the bride and hasn't seen how ill she is.

What the hell do I do? Obviously absolutely awful for the bride but I also don't want and can't afford to lose loads of money if the hen do gets cancelled.

id be very surprised if your travel insurance will cover this

@Maddy70- she might not have a picc line, so that’s a massive assumption.

Your insurance policy will not pay out because you knew this before you booked it.

the effects of chemo are cumulative. if she feels like shit now, she will not be getting out of bed by the end of it. you can guarantee it will be canceled.

Honestly I’d just suck it up and hope for the best.

i’ve had (still have) cancer. I had a port so could have chemo through that, which meant I could do all normal activities.
chemo is variable, sometimes I felt awful, others I felt fine. Some days I could definitely have done go ape! I could also drink alcohol if wanted to. But alcohol isn’t an essential part of a Hen do, nor go ape, so that’s a moot point someone made earlier.

i’d be devastated if a close friend of mine (close enough to be on my hen do) pulled out because they didn’t want to risk me being sick.

she might be really looking forward to the hen! You’d be a shit friend if you cancelled because of her illness. Surely if you have the money and were happy to go before you heard of her illness, you can still afford to go.

if the bride has to cancel then I’d be devastated for her. Money would be the least of my concerns in that situation.

Could you make another reason not to go, or not to do some of the activities? You can't afford it or some other reason that is not about her illness?

My sister recently went through breast cancer in her early 30s. She was as tough and healthy and could be but no way could she have gone to go ape mid way through her chemo treatment. I think someone maybe needs to have a chat with the bride- could you all still go away but do less exhausting activities so she can manage it all

What would happen if you cancelled and then it all went ahead as planned?

The hen do is a 5hr drive away as well and not accessible by public transport.

In all honesty if it was me organising it I would be speaking to her and saying look before we commit to this hen which is probably not going to be suitable for your current situation, let's organise one closer to home.

Someone said about the pressure on her to be well enough to go, yes that's another consideration.

But it's not my place to do that so I've decided I'm paying for it and if I lose £600 then I lose £600. Yes I have saved up for it and already paid the deposit last year which I would have lost anyway.

Thanks everyone. I just needed a sounding board.

Sorry to hear about your friend 😓

I had chemo two years ago and my hair suddenly fell out after two sessions, there's no way I could have socialised then. I had a wig but couldn't wear it due to sudden onset menopause (hot flushes) and I couldn't mix as I was immuno compromised.

I would look at it as youre paying that money to give her hope and something to look forward to, unless I was getting into debt for it.

I think if it was as me I’d speak to the other hens and come to a collective decision. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to speak to the bride about an arrangement less arduous than a five hour drive avc the Go Ape . It maybe she is actively relieved .

You can only ever be guided by her wishes in situations like this. She wants her wedding and hen do so you plan for them as usual. You’d have to tread carefully otherwise it’s going to come across like ‘welllll you’ve got cancer now so I don’t to waste my money in case, you know…’sorry to be glib, but it will. Just go along with what she wants, keep her spirits up and no hand wringing. She will let you all know of any limitations or changes of plans I’m sure.

£600 is a lot to lose and I doubt you'll be the only one thinking that way. Can't you have a conversation with the other hens?

Not everyone has a PICC line for chemo.

I think you have done the right thing. It kind of sucks that the bride isn't in the right place to say that she cant do the hen do and pick something more suitable for how she might be feeling, but if she isn't she isn't.

She is probably in denial and ii is appropriate to suggets that a more gentle hen do might be more appropriate. She could talk the plans through with her chemo team and perhaps they can gently suggest how she might feel after a few more rounds of chemo.

Infection, altered blood cell counts (or medication) that might increase the risk of bruising or bleeding, possible effects on bones... could all mean an activities based hen do is off the table and perhaps a relaxing spa/ quality time with friends would be better?

I am currently going through cancer treatment, though technically speaking my treatment isn’t chemo, but side effects are similar.

This isn’t really about losing money (though that would be a worry too obviously), it’s about the bride not having a hen do that she enjoys. I think as friends you all need to come up with a plan for how you can adjust the hen do plans accordingly. You need to build in flexibility now when you’re still early in the planning stages.

The first month or two, I mostly just felt tired. And then bam, it was like a bomb went off. I pretty much couldn’t do anything. Constant fevers and shakes, exhausted, all my joints swelled up and I went through a period when I couldn’t even get to the loo during the night some nights because I was in so much pain (I’m young and healthy, hiked 100 miles the month before I was diagnosed). It has settled as time went on and I can do things now, but I’m still in bed by 8:30pm every night. There is absolutely no way I could do a hen do, mine or anyone else’s.

It’s very hard to accept the limitations you suddenly have when you’re young and you’ve always been healthy and active before. I have a tendency to agree to do things and then regret it half way through when I realise I’m overdoing it. She may rally and feel great for the weekend because she’s so looking forward to it. But I would come up with contingency plans. If she can’t do active stuff, if she can’t do the spa because of a fever, if it needs to be more cups of tea and chatting instead of cocktails and clubbing because of fatigue. You can still have a fab time and she will still have some amazing memories, but just build in options.

I’d suggest a phone call or video call with the person organising it - to have a full and frank conversation about what the contingency plan is if the bride isn’t well enough to go and what options there are to adjust those plans to accommodate her limitations.

An up front discussion with the companies that are being booked with might yield a bit more wriggle room than they’d otherwise consider.

Thanks for that. Do you not think I feel really bad about it already? I'm giving up my family holiday to pay for this. To me £600 plus spending money is a lot of money actually.

I can't speak to her about it as it's not my place to.

I don't actually know the other hens ro speak to them about it.

I hope you don't ever find yourself in a situation like this.

There’s no need to be harsh. £600 is a lot of money to lose. OP clearly feels awful about the situation. Her friend may not be able to attend her own hen do which would surely be more upsetting than postponing it. If it gets cancelled and op loses her money she may be expected to pay out again if the hen re books it for when she is well. Not everyone can afford this.

my sister wouldn’t have asked her friends to pay for an expensive trip she would struggle to attend when she had chemo. She would have postponed it for the benefit of everyone involved. OPs friend is going through a tough time of course but it doesn’t mean other people can’t have feelings too.

Literally this. I am trying to see it from your point, but in the grand scheme of things does it matter? The bride sounds very unwell and if the worst happens are you really going to look back and think about the money. If it goes ahead great, if it doesn’t you haven’t lost money as such as it’s already been spent.

It's a hard situation but £600 is a lot to lose for many people, especially if they have a fairly strong feeling that it won't go ahead.
Did you pay it, OP?

Poor bride, it's really tough.