So sick of being so weird. It weighs so heavy.

[ThomasShelbysfagend]

I’m not ND or at least I don’t think I am.

But I’m such a weird square peg and it is so conspicuous.

I try to mask to fit, but I’m just so so shit at it and the effort of it means it stops within a very short period of time to expose “me”.

I do wish I was one of those chatty, bright breezy and easy people who know how to talk to people, know what to say, who eat food without issues, none fussy and have no body image issues.

I wish I enjoyed the company of people, felt relaxed around people, felt inspired to circle the room chatting then saying goodnight to everyone at one of the many functions I have to attend.

Wish I looked forward to functions, knew what to wear to look and feel nice, enjoyed the food put in front of me.
Wish I didn’t feel this brick in my stomach, overthinking and tied up in knots trying not be an areshole thinking I’m making people feel uncomfortable with my awkwardness.

Today I feel lonely, I’ve no one to talk to, no one I feel I can contact with complete comfort and trust to talk about this last week and what has been happening.

Oh op, such solidarity from me as I used to feel like this all the time. I’m also not ND but I did have substantial trauma from my childhood that meant I was always socially ‘not quite right’ and riddled with terrible anxieties. it took a fair bit of therapy to untangle. Is this something you can relate to? If so, I had great results with hypnotherapy. You deserve to feel comfortable being yourself!

I'm like this too. No childhood trauma, and no diagnosed ND, though I do wonder sometimes. It's the exhaustion that gets me. I do my best to get out of any social occasion, but if I do go, the energy it takes from me is colossal. I honestly have to sleep for a day.

I feel the same , always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

Thanks so much for replying xxx

I’ve not considered any therapy.
Crappy traumatic childhood is my background.

Maybe it will help but I’m very reluctant to open that box of tricks if I’m honest!

I think more people are like you than you realise

You are not weird. You just carry a lot. Please seek therapy - you deserve to live a peaceful life and learn to breathe again.

Some therapy is really amazing for trauma and you don't have to talk about the actual events themselves that much it's more around how you deal with your emotions.

My friend is it with amazing results I will try and find out the therapy she had.

Well, it’s not as though it’s not impacting you, regardless of whether or not you choose to go to therapy! Good therapy is absolutely transformative.

It’s okay to understand that the person you want to be just isn’t who you are, you will never be like that no matter how hard you try. Like, you are a fully grown adult and you are 5’ 5” (for example) and you will simply never be 5’ 9”. You can mourn a bit over that, you can wish etc, but you will never be that person and that’s fine.

It’s okay to feel awkward, to not know what to do, to decide you’d simply rather not socialise/insert any random activity.

I assume these things are work related? With practice you might be able to say a breezy ‘well that’s enough schmoozing for work, I’m off to do something less exciting now’ or similar?

And loneliness - are you really doing the things you want to? Groups and volunteering are mostly filled with people doing exactly what they want. If they want to litterpick by the canal in silence there’s generally a group that does that, filled with likeminded souls.

Therapy would be helpful to talk through your specific feelings about being different but can I recommend a book as well? I have found it really comforting. It's title is a bit off-putting but the content is great. Self-care for autistic people by M A Neff. It's for people who are discovering that they might be ND later in life. The main messages are to be kind to yourself, and find ways to do the things you want to do with your life.

Same here.

its taken me a long time to just feel like I’m ok as I am and comfortable in my own skin. I like who I am and just laugh at people who ask me why I’m doing something the way I am, but more challenging - what’s wrong with how I do it? We need different ways of doing things - is there a ‘right’ way to do this?

there are so many ‘expectations’

I used to go out a fair bit, but found it exhausting. Now I do what I want (within reason) and try to embrace my quirkiness. We’re not all the same. Wouldn’t it be boring if we were.

its only societal norms which dictate what is or isn’t acceptable. And as long as it’s not illegal etc.

my long time ‘hobby’ is DIY, not just a bit of painting, but tiling, fitting stuff etc. I have and use loads of different tools. Because I can.

i also like going to the opera, yoga and creative stuff like sewing.

Oh this - totally this! I’ve always felt odd. Like I never fit anywhere.

I'm the same op.
I just never fit in, have spent a lot of time feeling like an outsider looking in trying to work out how to be a human.

I don't have a lot of friends and most of the time I like it like that but every now and then it does feel lonely.

However one of my adult dcs is a huge extrovert, always has places to go, people to see, knows what to say etc
I am in awe of him.
But even he feels lonely sometimes, with all those friends and all the people skills.

I'm glad you reached out here, hopefully it helps you feel less alone today 💐

I'm like this too, crappy traumatic childhood, troubled relationship with my mother. I have no social skills or confidence. My whole life is spent masking just to try to appear normal. I'm very introverted with no social life. Possibly ND but possibly just highly sensitive & anxious.

I agree that therapy is something for you to consider. It may be worth investigating whether you can get CAT on the NHS. I'm part way through a course of it and finding it much more helpful than CBT was.

You sound exactly like me, OP, and it's shit. I'm so lonely. I'm currently considering therapy, having watched the recent programme on BBC/iPlayer - I think it's called 'Change your mind, change your life', and a lot of what the therapists said in it really hit home.

I am very similar OP. I’ve always felt weird and never completely fit in. I do have childhood trauma (domestic abuse) and a DM that was narcissistic and a bit emotionally abusive as well. we had a very toxic relationship.

I’m in my 50s and have never had a relationship last longer than a few years. And out of those relationships I’ve only felt like I could be myself in one of them (sadly that one ended a long time ago when I was young). Never met anyone else that got me like he did. I’ve been single for over a decade now because I’ve given up trying to meet someone.

same with friends, I can’t really keep them and as much as I love having them I find it hard maintaining them long term. Counselling hasn’t worked for me but maybe it will work for you.

I’ve never really fitted in anywhere at work or wherever I lived. I’ve learnt to live with it and just be polite and get on with things, but i definitely find it hard to find ‘ my tribe’ and at my age it’s just not worth the bother.
I have a few friends and that’s it.
I was never an alpha woman type.

Yes. The show with Emma Willis resonated with me too.

Just a suggestion, maybe a weird one, but I read on here someone who had actually tried AI chat gpt to talk about their trauma and feelings, and it had helped massively in a way she didn’t expect it to.

Might be good as a start anyway.

Have you ever done any personality profiling? You sound like an introvert for one which is why you might find social situations stressful and exhausting. Which is normal! It might help you to understand yourself better. It might be that you are also in a career which isn’t suited for you?

Instead of talking therapy, would you consider drama therapy to support you addressing the trauma. It is unfortunately not available on the NHS though. There is a British Association of Drama Therapists you can check for registered practitioners in your area.

I've always been the weird one and the odd one out. Never felt like I fitted in when I was younger. Always liked things that others didn't had different hobbies so mostly did things on my own. I learnt to embrace my weirdness / uniqueness and once I did that I found that others around me actually liked me because I was so different. I have a couple of close friends one in particular that I meet up with a lot and that suits me fine. I've never been one for functions or big parties etc. However if I do have to attend one I don't tend to have an issue chatting to people anymore. A lot of it is learning to love yourself and then you will realise that others do actually find you fascinating and fun to be around.

I'm the same. Don't worry, many of us are.

The weird thing is, I like people and have really good social skills. I can chat to anyone. I'm in a senior role and have to go to networking events, influence the senior leadership team, and entertain clients. And I do it all really well.

But I feel so out of sorts in myself 100% of the time. Like there is something about me that is just slightly...off. I think I maintain eye contact for too long, and I'm not very smiley. So maybe I'm a bit intense, and come across a bit serious.

In my 20s, I went to several networking events where I headed straight for the toilets, put the lid down, sat on the toilet for 20 mins, then headed home! The idea of "working the room" was unthinkable. I've learnt the skills I need to now breeze into a room and chat to person after person.

But it's all a facade. I don't think it's the real me. I'm only truly comfortable in my own home.

"I do wish I was one of those chatty, bright breezy and easy people who know how to talk to people, know what to say, who eat food without issues, none fussy and have no body image issues."

One of the things that really helped me accept myself and all my associated weirdness, was realising that these people don't exist, at least not in the way I imagined them. I was in the pub, talking to someone I worked with, who'd always seemed the epitome of the above. Confident, always knew what to say, got on with everyone. And he suddenly came out with the fact he practices conversations with people in his head constantly. A bit more digging and it turns out he's massively socially anxious, has a pit in his stomach every time he has to talk to anyone new, and is constantly just internally running scenarios through his head.

Everyone has their own weirdness, and mostly, we're all too busy worrying about our own to notice other peoples. Life's a lot better once you can just accept your own weirdness, accept that yeah, some times you're going to say something stupid, or do something idiotic. Most of the time, the only person who's going to remember that the next day is you.

Massive introvert here 👋🏼, and some of what you say resonates so much.

I’m currently trying to get out of a party tonight, that I said yes to when I was feeling more sociable. But today, the “stay home & watch Taskmaster instead” head has kicked in.

I have many extroverts in my life, and to be honest I do envy them sometimes. They will happily chat anywhere and everywhere. Whereas I’m just in my own head for much of the time.

I can fake it when required (for work, for example), I’m fairly confident in myself and am not shy. But I just don’t WANT to. And it’s taken a while to realise that that’s okay. Also fortunate that I can tell my friends and family that I simply don’t want to speak sometimes. It’s hard to get people around you who “get” you. I think I’ve done it by being honest. I hope you find that place. Us introverts are often (incorrectly) called weird, but it is nothing to be ashamed of.