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Original poster

OLD Never get a second date

36 replies

notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 09:31

I'm in my 50's and on all the popular dating aops and seem to get a fair amount of intrest from some nice,educated solvent men.
We do the usual message for a few days and then arrange to meet for a drink/coffee or walk.. appear to get on well and then I get the 'thanks but no thanks' message 🙂

WTF am I doing wrong ? I always pay my own way,make an effort with clothes,hair and makeup,listen,ask questions etc no awkward silences but still nobody ever wants a second date!
I think my problem is that I look and sound better online than I do in reall life so I'm obviously a bit of a disappointment in the flesh !
My profile pictures are all within the last 12 months and unfiltered but I do think that maybe I look better in photos than real life ?

If I meet someone online we tend to message quite a bit for a few days before meeting and the men all seem really enthusiastic,say I make them laugh and that they cant wait to meet me ....
My last date on Saturday seemed to go brilliantly,had a laugh,loads in common,got on really well only to be told that although he a a great time and that he though I was really cool he didn't feel any chemistry ie just didn't fancy me ....
Any hints on where exactly I'm going wrong ?

OP posts:
something2say · 16/06/2025 09:34

You cant worry about it tbh. You are you, and that's it. The only thing you can be is the best you possible. I think men are visual creatures so play to that, but be you still. Good luck!

SecondWoman · 16/06/2025 09:36

How many times has this happened, though?

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 09:41

@SecondWoman multiple times ! I've had two dates in the last fortnight and both times I got the 'no chemistry' message . I was last old pre covid and had 70 dates in 15 months and probably 85 % didn't want a second date,10 % strung me along for a few weeks or made it clear they were just after sex and 5% were interested in genuinely seeing me again ...

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something2say · 16/06/2025 10:14

Those stats seem about right.

But....

Are the blokes your cup of tea?? They cant all be??

I follow the Australian ten out of ten guy. 1500 first dates leads to 800 second dates etc, of which only ten have chemistry.

Its not you. Be hot, be ten out of ten yourself and carry on.

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 11:45

Thank you...was beginning to feel slightly paranoid and worried that I looked and sounded way better online and was a disappointment in the flesh 😕

OP posts:
Walkthisroad · 16/06/2025 11:53

That’s a shame. You would think being cool and having a laugh would be enough!

I did change my profile photos as I thought they were perhaps too flattering eg dressed up on a night out and men would expect me to always look like that. When my profile photos were more realistic I definitely had far fewer responses which in a way I was glad about and I attracted a different kind of guy.

Maybe try changing your photos? Also start chatting to a different ‘type’? If ever I started talking online to someone very good looking it never worked out. There was obviously too much competition!

Lurkingandlearning · 16/06/2025 12:11

@Walkthisroad your post made me feel quite sad because I’ve never heard that expressed before and I think you are right. I hope you find a good match.

Same to you @notsobloodygrear . I hope you find who you’re looking for.

Maybe you should narrow down who suits you better. Not saying you’re meeting anyone who asks, but if you’re more selective it won’t feel like it’s always you being rejected.

Also, bear in mind a lot of men in these sites say they are looking for a relationship to reel you in. If they sense you are not going to be quickly persuaded into bed, they will move on. Maybe you have met a few of those

SecondWoman · 16/06/2025 12:25

something2say · 16/06/2025 10:14

Those stats seem about right.

But....

Are the blokes your cup of tea?? They cant all be??

I follow the Australian ten out of ten guy. 1500 first dates leads to 800 second dates etc, of which only ten have chemistry.

Its not you. Be hot, be ten out of ten yourself and carry on.

Yes, I was going to say this. It seems like a fairly ordinary winnowing down. How many of these men did you fancy enough to have actively wanted to go on a second date?

I would focus far more on who you fancy and would like another date with and less on who does or doesn’t fancy you, about which you can do nothing. it’s a two-way thing!

Rattai · 16/06/2025 12:27

Some men say there's no chemistry just because you haven't my asked them back to yours or made it plain you'll have sex with them

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 12:29

I obviously initially go on the profile and pictures but then only pursue any that make me laugh or smile in the first few messages ...any that are 'hard work ' go straight back in !

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 16/06/2025 12:30

It's probably just that you didn't want sex on a first date. That's what most of them are looking for. If you don't invite them in, they know they can get it for less effort elsewhere.

I wouldn't worry about it. Just focus on being yourself, having a good time, and weeding them out if they aren't what you are looking for.

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 12:32

I think the most frustrating thing is that I get loads of initial intrest from,nice and apparently normal blokes,have a date then pfft ....I must be lacking in charisma or something...

OP posts:
Wisterical · 16/06/2025 12:34

I've never done OLD but 5% interest seems reasonable, surely you're not interested in a relationship with more than 5% of men you meet up with either?

SecondWoman · 16/06/2025 12:38

notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 12:32

I think the most frustrating thing is that I get loads of initial intrest from,nice and apparently normal blokes,have a date then pfft ....I must be lacking in charisma or something...

But do YOU fancy them and want to see them again? It just sounds as if you’re fixated on them not wanting another date, but you haven’t said anywhere whether you do!

I mean, switch it to friends— I meet loads of ‘nice, normal’ people all the time, but it’s only a tiny percentage that I gel with enough to want to actually be friends with. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the others. And of the ones I would like a potential friends, some of them won’t have felt strongly enough about me. There’s nothing wrong with me.

DancingNotDrowning · 16/06/2025 12:46

Yes stop focusing on why they don’t like you, did you even like any of them? If not what does it matter?

Also - and it’s crap but I think this is almost universally true - many men don’t like women in clothes that are in any way unconventional, so if that’s you I think it’s somthing to be aware of

noego · 16/06/2025 12:49

It's law of averages. I work on 1% of the 1%.

HRTQueen · 16/06/2025 12:53

This is how it is so many options

But that goes for you too

OLD suits the male population far more than it does women most men are wanting sex most women are wanting at least a connection first

take it for what it is chats and possibly dates that you may get something from or may not but don't concern yourself in what you are doing wrong because you are not

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 12:53

Thanks for the sensible reply.. I guess its partly because I take rejection personally and then wonder what's wrong with me especially when they claim to be really looking forward to meeting me and how much they love my profile etc....My theory is that if I've got on with them really well over message I'd more than happily go on a second date just been if the chemistry didn't instantly hit me and I feel as if I must be so unattractive in rl that I'm not even worth that ....I guess that i need to grow a thicker skin...

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 16/06/2025 12:54

If you take rejection personally then OLD isn't for you at this point in time

you have to be thick skinned its pretty brutal

inkognitha · 16/06/2025 12:55

How do you flirt during these 1st dates? Do you go a bit more personal or just general topics?

dollyblue01 · 16/06/2025 12:58

Just don’t take it personally, look at it as a way of meeting people and using it to figure out what you want and don’t, I’ve had similar previously and we wouldn’t be human for we didn’t think something was wrong and over analyse the situation but just keep going am sure it will get better.

SecondWoman · 16/06/2025 13:00

notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 12:53

Thanks for the sensible reply.. I guess its partly because I take rejection personally and then wonder what's wrong with me especially when they claim to be really looking forward to meeting me and how much they love my profile etc....My theory is that if I've got on with them really well over message I'd more than happily go on a second date just been if the chemistry didn't instantly hit me and I feel as if I must be so unattractive in rl that I'm not even worth that ....I guess that i need to grow a thicker skin...

But from what you say, you don’t often fancy them or a first date either!

Original poster
notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 13:13

@SecondWoman I wouldn't go as far as saying that I didn't fancy them,its more that there wasn't instant chemistry but It wasn't an instant no either... I had a date on Saturday,messaged for a week and shared the same SOH ,made each other laugh,had loads in common,didn't stop chatting for four hours ,gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek afterwards and messaged that he was in the takeaway on his way home - I would definitely have seen him again if he was up for it but he obviously didn't feel the same way ...I get what you are all saying and would probably be saying the same thing but its just crushing my self esteem 🙃

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 16/06/2025 13:18

step away

it really can be so damaging to your self esteem maybe in time you will feel differently

men (and women can) will sense this, sadly some will take advantage others will back away

SecondWoman · 16/06/2025 13:21

notsobloodygrear · 16/06/2025 13:13

@SecondWoman I wouldn't go as far as saying that I didn't fancy them,its more that there wasn't instant chemistry but It wasn't an instant no either... I had a date on Saturday,messaged for a week and shared the same SOH ,made each other laugh,had loads in common,didn't stop chatting for four hours ,gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek afterwards and messaged that he was in the takeaway on his way home - I would definitely have seen him again if he was up for it but he obviously didn't feel the same way ...I get what you are all saying and would probably be saying the same thing but its just crushing my self esteem 🙃

But did he explicitly say he didn’t want another date, or just hasnt asked?