OLD Never get a second date

[notsobloodygrear]

I'm in my 50's and on all the popular dating aops and seem to get a fair amount of intrest from some nice,educated solvent men.
We do the usual message for a few days and then arrange to meet for a drink/coffee or walk.. appear to get on well and then I get the 'thanks but no thanks' message 🙂

WTF am I doing wrong ? I always pay my own way,make an effort with clothes,hair and makeup,listen,ask questions etc no awkward silences but still nobody ever wants a second date!
I think my problem is that I look and sound better online than I do in reall life so I'm obviously a bit of a disappointment in the flesh !
My profile pictures are all within the last 12 months and unfiltered but I do think that maybe I look better in photos than real life ?

If I meet someone online we tend to message quite a bit for a few days before meeting and the men all seem really enthusiastic,say I make them laugh and that they cant wait to meet me ....
My last date on Saturday seemed to go brilliantly,had a laugh,loads in common,got on really well only to be told that although he a a great time and that he though I was really cool he didn't feel any chemistry ie just didn't fancy me ....
Any hints on where exactly I'm going wrong ?

I take the same approach as you - I don't expect instant chemistry on date 1, but will have a date 2 if I can see potential. Many men expect chemistry straight away and I think are disappointed if that's not there. I don't personally think that's realistic.

I also agree with other posters - you seem to be fixating on whether they like you, but that's the wrong question you're asking - you need to ask whether you like them!

I think it works better to take it all less seriously. Just treat the dates as an evening out with an interesting man and see how it goes. Aim to have fun!

Go for a younger man in his 40s

Summer dress show some skin. Dont mention previous relationships, keep them on their toes take a dog for the walk

@SecondWoman He said that he enjoyed the evening and that I was really ''cool' but there wasn't any chemistry for him...

I did wear a summer 👗 had lunch with friends before and they all said I looked lovely...

I can see that this was disappointing for you, but I think you need to shift your focus to enjoying the date itself (if you are, and cutting it short if you aren’t) and not seeing it as an audition for a part you think you’re unlikely to get. I think that would both feel awful and probably make you come across as someone too keen to be hired?

Four hours sounds like a lot. Maybe start smaller and shorter, to try not to get so invested?

So many men on online dating sites are only after sex.

So the sad reality is that they will be all charming in their original messages to get your interest so you will meet them and then if they don't feel on the first date that you will sleep with them on the day or shortly after, they stop making any effort and move on to the next 'target'.

I would just have a quick coffee from now on for the first date so you don't get too invested and you can sort out the ones who are not compatible quickly.

You are not doing anything wrong. Online dating really is not that great these days, especially when dating in your 40s/50s.

I would focus on trying to meet men in real life if you can.

Sometimes it really is just no chemistry - I had a second date last week. He's good-looking, fit, educated, working, we chatted about all sorts - and I just couldn't imagine being in bed with him. On paper, I should have been all over him (and I've had first date sex with a fair few men, and I had packed an overnight bag just in case, not that he found out about that.) But I just felt completely uninterested in him sexually. It would be unfair to string him along longer. I hope he meets someone it does work with, as he seemed a decent guy, and they can be in short supply on OLD.

But it's how it is - the point of dates is to see how you get on with someone, and more of them end up with you not being together than otherwise. And you keep looking, or take a break and get back to it.

Yeah you definitely need a break from it for now OP. You sound fragile atm, which isn't ideal for OLD.

I don’t think it’s about the sex or lack of. I have done lots of online dating and if a guy is interested then he will be looking forward to the sex whenever it is and I don’t find it is generally expected on the first date.

The guy you referred to said you are ‘cool’ so that suggests you are great and completely normal. Plus your friends said you looked lovely. I can’t work out what it is tbh except what I said earlier about maybe selecting very good looking guys and maybe your profile pictures setting you up a bit (I think I had that problem.)

I would agree that 5% wanting a second date is not a good rate because even if someone is not sure, they would be open to meeting up again. Maybe it’s just a run of bad luck.

What is your relationship history op?

Yes this!! Rarely get second dates. Had a date this week who seemed to be in love with me after 2 weeks of messages lol (I took it with a pinch of salt). Went on the date, he invited me to a BBQ, then when I wasn't all touchy feely with him and didn't go back for coffee I got the inevitable "there's no chemistry" 🙄