Help to help someone find adopted child

[THEP0PE]

I have googled and can only see the registration. Are there any organisations that could help with counselling etc?
im helping a very vulnerable lady, she wants to find her daughter who was removed from her care when she was in her 20s. This lady had a learning delay but understands enough to know that she has been hugely affected by this and just wants to meet her daughter. I don’t want her to join the register and then her daughter find her with no support as she wouldn’t cope. Any ideas very gratefully received

Sorry just to add, the child would now be in her 20s

I’m adopted and put myself on a register to meet my birth mother, but the contact could only go one way. She put herself on it, but didn’t get my details. The initial contact had to come from me. I’m not sure if that’s still the case? It was 20 years ago.

Oh - I meant to add - I was offered counselling but decided not to take it. I can’t remember the name
of the organisation, which is not very helpful to you. Sorry!

https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register

Also could try one of the dna hereditary places, daughter may have done it.

You could contact the organisation the adoption was arranged with and ask to leave a letter for the child.

did you get to meet her?

She could go through the local authority who dealt with the adoption. Send a letter to her daughter.

A word of caution though, if she’s already vulnerable- it may not go as she’d like it to, and she would need someone to help her prepare for that.

She may be able to leave a letter and contact details with the agency that did the adoption, but they won't send it on unless the adopted child requests contact. Which is how it should be to be honest.

I understand your friend has her reasons, but its not her right to have contact without the adoptee requesting it. As an adopted child I want it on my terms only.

Yes this is what I’m very aware of. She needs a lot of support if she’s going to go ahead and meet her. Also her daughter would likely be quite sad to see this woman. She has mental health issues as well as the learning delay but she has become very fixated on meeting her daughter

Thank you so much for all the info

How old was the child when removed and the reason? This may be a huge factor.

Due to her learning delay and mental health I assume. She is a hoarder too and agoraphobic but I am unsure if this was happening before she had the child.

Does this lady have MH support i.e. community MH nurse or similar? Are they aware of this fixation?

It's clearly a huge area of trauma for her, and needs specialist support. Unsuccessful attempts to contact the child could have serious implications for her health and wellbeing, so in your boots I'd want to ensure she was properly supported and properly advised throughout anything you do next.

But how old was the child when removed?

Does she have the capacity/insight to understand that child may have trauma from their life before they were removed, and possibly from everything afterwards?

Yes this is what I’m asking for. Does anyone know any organisations that offer free support or counselling in this situation? She is not currently under the mental health team.

I’m not really sure that she has the capacity.

Well she says she understands when I explain but I’m not sure she will realise until it happens how much of an impact it may have for both

I'd still go back to the original agency. They are the primary people who can direct her to support. It sounds as though she's also in need of more agency intervention than she's receiving.

Is the hoarding still an issue? Is her home safe? If you have concerns, please speak to the local Fire Service as they will carry out checks of her home from a fire safety perspective if needed.

Perhaps she also needs to speak to the council about her current living situation?

I think they there are two different things here. The lady clearly needs support and counselling from an appropriate provider. You do sound kind trying to support her.

I understand that she wants to meet her daughter however the counselling should be separate to this eg she doesn't have counselling in order to go through the process of finding / meeting her daughter.

If she were to make contact then she requires more counselling. If she were to meet her daughter or, if her daughter declines/meets once and then stops contact, she needs more counselling.

I can't put myself in her shoes but as an adopted person, I can say that I would urge you not to try and help her by finding the daughter on her behalf.

I appreciate that you've not mentioned that but the fact she is fixated on it and you're trying to be a friend and help her rang a slight alarm bell. I know a number of people who have tracked down birth parents / birth siblings via birth records / social media and IMO it's not on. It's v selfish.

Hugely agree, what's her expectations for this?
Is she hoping for a relationship?

Surely it would be traumatic for her daughter to know her mother has learning difficulties and mental health issues?

There's a possibility that she already knows (in terms of being told why she was adopted) but I agree.

I don't think you should help her OP. It's up to the adopted person to initiate this and not right for the mother to search for them. I don't know the process in the UK but when I traced my birth mother it was all on my terms. I would have been horrified to be tracked down before I was ready, some people are never ready. Before I met my mother we were in correspondence for a while. I decided if she had MH issues or was a dependent in some way I would not proceed. I only agreed to meet her when I knew she was an independent functioning adult. This may seem selfish but the truth is if she was anything otherwise I would feel obliged to help and would not be able to walk away and live my life.

I feel very bad for this woman but tracing her child is not the answer.

I agree with @DontlletmedownbruceIt needs to be the child who seeks out the birth parent not the other way round. She can leave her details with the adoption agency but she needs to understand that her birth child may not seek contact.
It is also quite possible that the birth child may only have one meeting and then withdraw again given the multiple issues with birth mum.
It does sound as though BM would benefit from mental health services in general though, and I might start with seeing if that were possible.

My Mums first baby was born in an unmarried mothers home and taken at 6 weeks. I wanted to search for him when Mum was diagnosed with cancer but they wouldn’t allow it without Mum ori having counselling, so I think if you go through the organisation that arranged the adoption they will likely offer this.