People who are joyful and have it altogether - are you one of them?

[Figleavesdown]

Did you ever know anyone in real life who just seemed to really enjoy life and be able to live it fully, in the sense that they worked hard, had ambition but also were able to do things and have fun?

I feel like I'm not articulating this well at all but effectively people who just led fun wholesome lives...

I'm almost 40 and I've always found these people really inspiring. I absolutely can see they have stress in their lives - sometimes the normal like exams or work pressure or family issues and illnesses - but yet they still seem to just 'do' life if you see what I mean? The don't seem to endlessly procrastinate or scroll on social media. They're living their lives but not in a go go go, not stopping to look around type of way - they just seem to be living, like really living!

I think a lot of this has always come from having a mum who used to say life was all about working hard and passing exams, you could celebrate 'after' but after never really came. I remember a girl at university who worked hard, used to get stressed like we all did but would also do things like bake a cake and go out, and buy herself fruit to eat well and it sort of just blew my mind.

I almost obsessively love looking at people who love like that as it gives me some sort of comfort and reassurance and I also feel inspired to create my life in a similar way except I'm never quite sure how.

does this resonate with anyone - and if it is, do you do anything to create the same life? or are you one of those people and how do you do it/have your life together etc?

This is such an interesting thread. I really think for a lot of people it’s just down to how you frame things. I used to feel quite negative, always busy but not in a good way - in a stressed and harassed way! I felt like I was just on a never ended treadmill of life stuff. But after a few things happened (I was quite ill for some time which stopped me being able to do a lot of things and made life even more difficult, and several friends died far too young through a series of illnesses and accidents). Now, as cheesy as it sounds, I literally swap the word “have” for the word “get” - so instead of saying I have to go to do the shopping, or I have to go to work, I GET to go! Because I truly feel lucky to have the chance to shop, work, go to the gym, clean my house etc. People say I’m really positive about things and always seem to be doing random but interesting things with my time and I honestly think it all just comes from switching my mindset to being grateful for even the dull stuff, which automatically makes the dull stuff more interesting 🤣 And I say yes to a lot more things that I wouldn’t have considered before - saw a pottery painting workshop / flower arranging class / gym class / jewellery making workshop advertised? Why not - I’ll book it and give it a go!

Doesn’t work all the time - I’m not a robot and still have bad days. And I’ve not worked out how to be grateful for emptying the bins 🤣

I’ve have periods of being like the person you describe but I’m not at the moment. I suspect being organised is the secret, I’m off to write a to do list. That helps, no worries about forgotten things/diasters. Simple things like insurance renewals, claiming expenses. Get organised.

Hi! Me, I’m this.

I have no idea of the psychology of it, but I’m a very happy person.

Unusually I had a bloody awful abusive childhood which profoundly affects me every day but I just can’t be miserable or unhappy, I think maybe I should be, a bit but it’s just not within me.

I have had awful stuff happen, significant traumatic deaths in my close family, multiple miscarriages but I also have exceedingly good luck which I can’t quite believe myself.

I am not materialistic, I have zero interest in how I look or dress, I don’t really care what people think of me, I am happy with my lot. Don’t want for much.
If you remove all of those things from occupying even one tiny thought, it’s so freeing.

I’ve worked extremely hard all my life, I’ve had an exceptionally difficult, challenging job, dealing with trauma daily for over 25 years.
It was all consuming in work and out. But I bloody LOVED that job.

I left that.

Now, have the most beautiful almost luxurious job that I cannot believe I have. My life is changed. I am happier now than i have ever been.
For me it balances out and the joy is just far more powerful than the sadness.

I’m learning to do this right now. I’m looking at what my measures of success have been, and what they should be for a happy life. For me, success is my beautiful daughter, a day where we laugh together, or I’ve travelled to a new place, or listened to live music.

I had a day off yesterday but a Teams meeting scheduled in the afternoon. I’d planned a day of admin but instead I emailed the school and told them DD wasn’t coming in, we went for a walk to buy some plants and we spent some of the afternoon sat in the rain on the back step, planting seeds and decorating pots.

It’s not always easy: I panic about not being a home owner, for example, and beat myself up for not being able to convert my qualifications into monetary success. I still doomscroll. But I have a good, satisfying job, a healthy child that I love. I try and move my body every day. I strive to find joy in the smaller things, and mostly I succeed.

I’m like this.

When I was 14 a friend from my schools older sister died, she was just 17 from cancer. I also had a difficult childhood as stepdad died and I was looking after a depressed Mother and running the house as she was incapable for a few months. I have always been an absolute grafter. Now retired I do 3 voluntary jobs.

If I ever felt remotely negative I just thought about my friends sister Suzanne who never got the chance to even feel crap. Wallowing in self pity is just self destructive.

The only time it was tested to severe limits was when DD died, I did become depressed. But once through the darkest place imaginable I knew DD would hate me to be unhappy.

What I have found is we have a natural personality and that’s it, we can't change it. I’m very lucky in that people seem to like me. I have lots of positive interactions with strangers and lots of actual friends.

@ThomasShelbysfagend have also never worried about others perception of me. I have a friend who won’t wear PJ or tracksuit bottoms in her house in case someone comes to the door, what does it matter.

I’m very lucky in that people seem to like me. I have lots of positive interactions with strangers and lots of actual friends

I often see threads on here about people struggling to make friends or feeling like they're losing touch with friends and I do think this is sometimes part of it. People are drawn to positive, joyful people. I have a friend who is so upbeat about life, always planning fun things and always so (genuinely) excited to hear your news. She's like a breath of fresh air to be around.

I don’t think it’s natural or doesn’t always have to be natural, I think it can be learned.
I was very negative, glass half empty and complained a lot because I had deeper issues that needed dealt with. Years of therapy to deal with cse trauma and I got in touch with a whole spectrum of feelings. I learned life is made up of moments and at first that was to help me get through but now it’s how I live. Joyful wonderful moments will follow more difficult ones.

I find joy even when I’m bothered by dark memories. I notice things others don’t. I celebrate life and the seasons. I enjoy “bad” weather. I constantly point out to my kids views or that cloud or whatever. I make rituals out of the small “mundane” things. Making my tea is a ritual for example from the posh tea pot to the whistling kettle.

I wonder if those that are joyful and passionate and have ambition and hope and look forwards while also living in the moment, are emotionally mature and robust, whether that’s from therapy or because they learned emotional regulation and intelligence as a child. They have self esteem and self worth.

Yes I agree with you. I became very serious and stressed. It doesn’t help that you can’t do fun stuff on evenings and weekends as you’re busy working - and all you want to do in the holidays is lie down in a dark room and not have to talk to anyone!!! (Oh and feel anxious about your free time running out and having to go back to work). Ad infinitum. For 25 years …

I think what's worth remembering is we are all so different. I love my place of work,love my job the pay is relatively crap but I don't dwell on that. I love my life, live in a safe place, good family and friends don't do much think trips or holidays due to lack of funds but enjoy family, reading,dog and don't stress about the rest.
I am not a deep thinking but go with the flow, not a worrier either but these things are just me. In my position other might not like it.

Im joyfully all the time.
I'll turn a negative in to a positive.
I dont find offense in very much.

I think I might be one of those people. I very rarely get stressed or annoyed about anything, and I am pretty much on top of everything all the time. It's just come with age though, and with going through some really bad times, I was very different when I was in my 20s. The bad times have given me a completely new perspective on life.

The key things for me are gratitude (whether through a gratitude journal or just recognising joy and good fortune every day), giving to others (volunteering, doing a favour, donating cash or a cake etc), and understanding that life is fragile and today might be my last day. I have purpose and long term plans, I don't just live for today, but equally I use my best things straight away, I don't keep anything 'for best', I treat myself as best I can and invest in myself, whether that's good quality food or education or making the effort with friends.

All of this is much easier when you have financial security and good health, which I currently do and am grateful for.

I've been really enjoying your answers and pondering this even more!

I think a lot of it comes down to being loved. I would say that growing up, I did feel very loved and my dad was very good at getting us out and doing things that were fun but my mum had a very 'you must work hard attitude to get out of this hell hole in later life' and so although I was quite joyful when I was young, I was also very serious about things.

My 20s and 30s have been much harder, completely breakdown in family relationships, parents dying, controlling relationship and being very much alone and stressful life keeping my head above water.

When I was younger, I always had my eye on the next goal but I also didn't worry about things far into the future, now I spend most of my time worrying about stuff years ahead and then I think I may never even grow that old and I really want to enjoy my life now and be joyful about what I can do. I think some of it also comes from quite unequal financial situations with friends so I can't go for brunch or to the theatre or do the things I'd love to do and I sense that they don't always like that.

But recently, I've started doing fun things for me and trying to live life for myself. I definitely lost my way a bit in the last 20 years. I think a large part of this is also surrounding yourself with good decent fun people, people who are your tribe. Funnily enough, a lot of people sometimes latch onto me saying I'm positive and fun and I've realised that some of them are just not very nice, quite negative bitter people who can deplete your own emotional energy. I used to be good at spotting them and keeping my distance but I am also a bit of a people pleaser and I think a loss of confidence in the last few years especially as meant I've given them far too much leeway in my life.

But no, I don't think I've been great at being a doer who can combine the fun things simultaneously alongside the grind of life.

I have a school mum like that. She had a good childhood and has a supportive family that are regularly taking the kids off her hands. She married the love of her life who seems blinkered to all other women but her. She always snaps back to prepregnancy weight despite having a million DC and is always calm and laid back as if she is reliving her 10th lifetime and she knows everything will be ok.
Another woman is like that but she is very religious and has this blind faith that everything will be good.

I think I’m this way OP. That’s not to say we don’t have difficult times, we absolutely do but I’m a problem solver and think positively. I’m also a firm believer in that to be happy in life, it takes effort and I like to put effort into maintaining friendships, my marriage, travel and plans.

Together with my DH we’ve built a really lovely and happy life.

I feel like I could be a bit insufferable to some though, but they’re obviously not my people.

Yes as a child who went to a convent school and then one where nuns taught I'd say they were deeply unhappy and resentful and took that out on the children they taught, physically and emotionally.

I struggle with anxiety and have lots of therapy.
I also didn’t have the best childhood or adult life up until I was 40 and had a breakdown.
Now, I wouldn’t say I have it all together, but I’m learning to love myself and my life,
I dress nicely (Vinted) I try and eat well lots of fish salad and chicken.
Mindfulness (and hyper vigilance) has helped me be very aware of my surroundings- I try and see the positives in each day and each situation and embrace any opportunity.
i like to be happy and to find happiness, I find being cranky and angry/cross just brings me down.
I remember someone saying to me when I was ‘poorly’ you should look after yourself as if you were a little girl and eat tempting foods, read your book, buy the shiny red apples and nap if you need too.
I literally love my little house (it’s rented) and as soon as I walk in I feel safe and all my lovely things are there - silly things that I love including a cath kidston rag doll that I bought for myself as a 50 year old woman.
I also when I’m feeling low use a gratitude diary.
The ethos I use is, each day brings good and bad and I choose what I give my time too.
My life isn’t perfect there’s many things that could be better, but it’s imperfectly fine for today.

Yes my dh. I don’t know how, but he was born thinking anything is possible and within his grasp. Only sees positive, makes a shedload of money and enjoys spending it (on others too). He does have health anxiety though so there’s always something.

I’m like this or should be like this, I married a very negative, regretful and disappointed man. It’s slowly sucking the life out of me.

I'd love to be one of these people am hopefully can become.

I've always been very negative and saw the worst in situations. This was mainly due to nothing I ever did being good enough to please my mother and being ruled by her for most of my adult life.

Now I'm retired and she's dead so I try to spend my time and money on enjoying myself and my family.

I go through phases. The best I have ever felt was when I prioritised health and excercise over everything else, then everything around me fell into place. When i stopped doing that then things went downhill again.
The happiest people I know do prioritise their own self care, excercise and wellness above everything, even their children. But guess what, they have very active social lives, happy well adjusted kids and good careers.
I am trying to get back to that place as I have been there before. It is a mindset shift but ai use excuses that I have to do this or that first, in reality its laziness and procrastination. It involves saying no to other things until you have done the things for you. Ive done it before, it works and I see it working for friends too.

I’m kind of this person. I get on with things and try not to get bogged down with life’s stresses too much. I admit sometimes I do put a game face on. Not in a fake way but I don’t like to burden others with my problems plus I honestly find if I just throw myself into the day/work then I often forget any troubles for a while and feel better about things. Weirdly I’ve married my polar opposite though 😂 he’s a real negative Nigel at times. Abit Karl Pilkington 😂

I'm sort of one of these people OP.

I work hard but I'm not ambitious. As long as I'm getting by that's it for me, no desire to amass a fortune. I like work because I like working and being busy. If I'm in a job where colleagues or bosses are making me unhappy I leave. There's always another job. I don't care what industry I work in, so long as they pay me. Commute time is time to think, read and listen to music, so I'm flexible about where I work. I don't live to work, I work to live.

I'm the same at home, plenty of chill time. Sometimes I'll watch a film or read a novel for hours, but I've always got projects on the go. At the moment I'm decluttering and redecorating the bedroom, working through a manifestation journal, doing a cross-stitch and reading my way through the Bible (all of it!). I do things in fits and starts as the mood takes me and yes, sometimes I stop to bake a cake 😁. I'm organised and prioritise self-care and healthy habits because it makes no sense not to.

I have friends nearby (I let go of the ones who weren't, no hard feelings, I just don't have time for long-distance relationships) and family who aren't nearby (keep in touch with texts and cards). I go to a hobby group weekly.

I'm not perfect and neither is my life. I have my faults and problems. How I do it is optimism. I always look for the positives in any situation and make the best of them. The negatives I'll have a moan about and let it go. Usually you can't change them anyway. I've always got plans though. No matter the situation I'll be looking to keep it good or make it better, I actively work at it. If I find myself somewhere unbearable I move on to other situations. There's always choices. Even if they're all shit, I'll actively assess them and choose the least shit option, then start making plans to improve things.

I learned a long time ago that we can't have it all and let go of frustration about being brought up with society telling us we can. Sometimes there's difficult decisions to make but I accept it and get on with it because no amount of complaining about it will make it any different.

I think it's ok to feel however and whatever. If you're sad about something you don't have, that's fine. It's important to be grateful for what you do have though, too.

I found other people is where a lot of the stress comes from. So I'm fairly solitary although I'm sociable too, it's hard to explain. I'm always up for a chat, but I don't worry what others think. If someone doesn't like me, ok 🤷, it really doesn't matter. We can avoid each other, it's a big planet. If someone has a problem, I don't let it get me down, it's their problem and their life. Some people are surrounded by non-stop dramatics, both created by themselves and others they're involved with. It doesn't mean we can't be friends, but I'm not getting involved with their issues, I'm not taking sides to appease anyone and I'm not going to listen to someone going on about it endlessly. In that scenario I'll distance myself for a bit, look to my own business and get on with improving my own life.

I think it helps that I like the earth. I like plants, animals, weather and the changing seasons. So I can find a ladybug on my windowsill and think it's cute or look out at a storm and watch the lightning alter how the world looks from one moment to the next. I appreciate the sunset and sunrise. I listen to birds tweeting. It means I can be happy with nothing and no-one. I meet some people who seem to really need other people or wealth or whatever, to make them happy. I don't know why that is for them, but I'm really glad I'm not like that.

@Cassieskinsismad love your attitude and it’s inspiring

She sounds lovely

@Tripthelightfantasticalpeople like that are worth their weight in gold. I’m glad she is making the experience easier for you. Maybe you could leave feedback once your treatment is done or tell her one day.