Has anyone been able to have the career they want AND be the sort of mum you want to be?

[StJamesInfirmary]

I had a great career in teaching, had 2 kids and felt I couldn't parent or teach to my best while the other was going on. So I left teaching. Ive been working in admin for 2 years, bored out of my mind now and want to go back to the career I love. I went to see a school yesterday and considering applying but I just can't see how I'd make it fit with being the type of parent I want to be as my kids would be in wrap around care. I'm now looking at supply work but have heard of people on supply for years, unable to get permanent work and I worry I'll end up like that.

My kids are 5 and 6. Is anyone on the other side of this and prepared to share some wisdom?

If you are unhappy with your kids being in wrap around care then virtually no professional role would suit you.

The kids, including mine, who aren't in wrap around care all the time have two parents who can look after them.

In mine, our friends and some my kids classmates it's their other parent who has the most flexibility to do this plus attend assemblies/events at short notice and help out at class trips.

You must know other teachers with DC, what do they do?

Also what are your concerns around wraparound?

If you want to go back to work you will need a childcare solution

I would say I have. I don't know if you'd call it a career, but I'm a project manager for a charity so it's not brilliant pay but there's definite progression and development opportunities that I've worked my way through (and continue to do so), working full time whilst being a parent. It's not a job I thought I'd ever be doing, but an opportunity arose and I've not looked back.

How? Three main factors I think.

We only have one child, so only one
sports day/Christmas play etc to be there for each year. Although saying that, he is autistic so there are a lot of additional things to attend - meetings, appointments etc.

My husband (child's father) is an equal contributor to family life. I do school drop offs every morning and he starts work at 5am to finish at 3pm every day to be there for pick ups, he takes our child to hobbies whilst I work, he does his fair share around the house. This is the biggest factor I think.

My company's senior management are very family focused, their motto is always "family comes first". My job has a degree of flexibility so I can juggle things around (my husbands work is more fixed) and work flexibly if needed. I can also work from home. Today I need to be at school for a prize giving thing where my child has won a competition at 11am (stupid time if you ask me!), so I will work from home until 10:45, pop along to that, then go into the office after. I've done an hours work this morning at 6am to make up the time I won't be there.

I feel like I’m doing ok with it. After being a SAHM unplanned I am much happier working and a better parent when I do.

DS goes to wraparound care which he is happy with- the other children are older so one of the staff tends to do his homework with him and he loves getting it done and no nagging mum making him do it at the weekend. Or he plays games with the other children.

I’m in a leadership role in Financial Services in the City and it’s full on but I also get a degree of flexibility and controlling my own calendar- sports day is blocked out in my calendar and I’ll flex the hours around. I tend to do 8.30-4.30 on office days to be home in time for wrap around care collection.

My dh does the drop offs etc as he’s self employed and doesn’t have to go and meet people. I do all the childcare in the holidays (apart from when we’re actually on holiday!)

My son’s teacher has her child minded by a school mum, who brings him over at the end of the school day. The teacher is one of those ‘born teacher’ people and I know she probably has the same childcare/ sick child problems we all do, but it looks like it works to me. Could you figure out something local that works?

Yes. Health professional but I did it by working part time.
3 days when DC were little then spread the same hours over 4 days once at school. Able to do all drop offs and pick ups.
Hasn’t affected my career but I I manage my own diary and appointments

Sort of in so far as I have kept my job which I love (single mum so no choice) but not because I have not been promoted to the extent I would otherwise have gone for or done the things (yet) I want to do. DS could not cope with full-time nursery or after school due to autism-related sensory issues so I had to find childcare solutions which worked for him, and work flexibly myself which over time is exhausting when you have no support.

DD was in full-time childcare and seems to have emerged unscathed… i am being somewhat sarcastic here, lots of people cannot be the parent they want to be, but needs must, and honestly, do we think men angst about not being the parent they want to be or do we think they get on with the jobs they love and keeping a roof over their family’s head? As long as you keep a focus on whether your childcare is working for your DC and change that if needs be, then your DC will be fine. But as someone said upthread, it’s going to be hard to have a professional career without some form of childcare.

Mostly yes. There’s been a few bumps along the road but it’s only been made possible by my DH who does at least 100% of his fair share, and frequently more. But it goes both ways - I’ve got his back when he’s busy at work.

We have no family nearby so we relied on wraparound care.

Nope, I do the job I like but I can’t progress in the way I would want. I would still choose to be the kid of mum I am though

I would always prioritise being the mum you want to be. BUT, if you are bored/miserable/poor etc in a job, are you going to be the mum you want to be?

It’s a tricky balance. I opted for sacrificing my career, which I don’t regret. Luckily DH always been very supportive, including financially.

And I found non-work interests that keep my brain stimulated etc.

Yes.

My children are in wraparound care but that doesn't bother me at all and I don't feel like it makes me a worse parent.

They enjoy it - my older one is petitioning to go 5 days a week because apparently it's more fun than the day I pick him up.

You would obviously get all the school holidays off which would give you loads of time with them

Yes. I have a job I love (foreign and defence policy), a hobby I can practice (dog breeding), and my kids have everything I could want for them.

You can be a good parent and still have your child in wraparound care. Being a good parent is more than just being there for school runs. Lots of people forget that.

I’ve never done a school pick up (although I do drop offs). But I’ve also never missed a swimming gala or a gymnastics event.

Yes! Entirely solo parent from the start (his choice) so no contact or maintenance. I’m a chartered accountant and already had an ok career. I was overseas when I had DD and only had two months off but childcare was great although expensive.

DD is 27, hard working, we have a lovely relationship that I am far more proud of than my career.

Yes, I was an academic (researcher and lecturer) with a long London commute. I’ve actually left that career now and am retraining, but because of health (I got cancer), not my kids.

The two things that made a difference: (1) Dh and I both put in time to build careers when they were young and we had full day childcare in place and they didn’t have a million activities and the big emotional needs of being a preteen/teenager. So that when they got to school age, we had the seniority to be flexible and available.

And (2) it’s not all on me. Dh is a company director. He does half the school runs, probably more of the running to activities and supervising homework than me. One or both of us is always there from 3pm. When I have to work a long day, he’s always available. Or when I need to travel. He is completely stuck in to parenting and running the household, which frees up my physical and mental energy for my career.

I definitely don’t feel like I’ve been held back in my career because of children. There are definitely things about my work I’m not happy with and there are things I get wrong as a parent, but one isn’t caused by the other.

That said, I do think people get too caught up on quantity over quality with parenting. They think good parenting is always being available and doing all the things. But it’s not. Good parenting is getting it right when you’re available. A child in wraparound care with a present loving parent who is modelling for them how to build a well rounded enjoyable life and financial security is much better off than a child who is with their irritable unfulfilled shouty parent every day from 3pm.

Could you consider part time OP? That's what I did when my three DC were in primary school - I worked 2.5 days (as a university lecturer) so my DC went to breakfast club three times a week and after school club twice a week, which I felt was a good compromise. Now they're at secondary school I work 4 days a week. Basically it means I'm doing a job I love but I'm also really present for my kids.

Haven’t read the full thread just the OP.

I’m a bit of an extreme case but have a board level super stressful job. When I had kids I thought a lot about how I want to parent. My mum was a SAHM and I thought about whether I pack it all in and be home for kids or what I’d do.

For various reasons decided it was all or nothing. Either keep on with the big job or be home entirely, doing a boring job i felt was the worst of both worlds as would still be away from kids most of the time.

What made up my mind was speaking with other adult friends about their reflections of childhood and how they were parented. I found absolutely no correlation between people having parents around less or more and whether they had fond memories of childhood or a close relationship with their parents into adulthood. I spoke with friends and colleagues who I’d say were emotionally stable people. The main correlation (it seemed to me) was whether the parents were happy and fulfilled in themselves.

So for us I’ve prioritised great childcare (lovely nannies) and making sure all house admin etc is done in the working week so weekends and holidays my kids get 100% of my focus. I go for quality time over all the time. So I’d say yes, I do work and parent the way I want to. My kids are pretty happy and well balanced. And I’m happy because i’m intellectually fulfilled so have more in my cup to give.

This is NO judgement on people who made different choices but OP is asking for experiences so this was mine x

Yes. Sort of.

Self employed Chartered Accountant. Meant to go back full time when kids went to school but never did. Worked locally and worked school hours. Had ability to flex if they were sick.

The sorta is the very early years. I had 14 and 12 weeks maternity only, and still answered questions while off, and returned part time then. I'd have liked to be a SAHM for those formative years but, realistically, maintaining a partnership role with that gap just wouldn't have been possible

You don’t mention a partner which makes it tougher. If there are two of you you’d need your partner to step up and do their share. If it’s just you, and you have no childcare support then there is no way round using wrap around care.

I am a teacher
not sure what type of parent you want to be exactly but I take time off for assemblies sports day , their sickness and I bunk off one day a year to go in their school trip

am I knackered stressed and cook them chicken nuggets = yes

but I took a year off to care for my sen eldest and I was still stressed knackered and cooked them chicken nuggets in that year so

id love to work part time but not rich so cant

No, I work but my priority is my role as a mum. I work from home, school hours 4 days a week. 1 year old and 4 6year old in childcare 4 days a week but with a childminder to continue that home setting. I’m there before and after school, teachers know me, kids can attend any after school clubs they like.

career wise I’m not sure it will ever recover, I’m unlikely to ever get a promotion while maintaining my current working pattern, which I expect to continue with for 10 years, till all out of primary school. I never imagined myself being a person that really didn’t care about work, I’m so surprised! I don’t think there is a right way you just need to find what works for you x

I put my old job on hold from when the DCs were zero until the youngest was about 11. Was a SAHM until they started school, then did freelance work from home in another sector until they were old enough to get themselves home on their own. Then went back to my former career.

It was good in some ways - I liked being there for them during the early years, and we saved loads in childcare. But it did mean I had to work my way back up in my former industry, which took a while. So, not the ideal solution.

I do, but I couldn't do both to the level I want if I worked full time. I'm very aware my balance is only possible due both me and DH having a lot of flexibility with when/how we work and that we both do a 4 day week (part time, not condensed hours). Full time or in a more structured 9-5 and we'd have to have a rethink.

Just to add- my kids go to afterschool club once a week and they love it. I don't feel it is a reflection on my parenting in a negative way at all, and more importantly neither do they.

I run my own business and that’s given me a lot of freedom, but even I’ve had to get wraparound care at various points. Honestly OPP, I think you are being unrealistic. It’s actually good for children to see a mother work. There’s quite a lot of research on this. And then understanding that you also have work as a priority is not a bad thing either. So many women are utterly invisible to their children, who in turn just suck them dry.

I find it extraordinary too that you gave up a job you love, with all the holidays to match your own children’s holidays