Has anyone been able to have the career they want AND be the sort of mum you want to be?

[StJamesInfirmary]

I had a great career in teaching, had 2 kids and felt I couldn't parent or teach to my best while the other was going on. So I left teaching. Ive been working in admin for 2 years, bored out of my mind now and want to go back to the career I love. I went to see a school yesterday and considering applying but I just can't see how I'd make it fit with being the type of parent I want to be as my kids would be in wrap around care. I'm now looking at supply work but have heard of people on supply for years, unable to get permanent work and I worry I'll end up like that.

My kids are 5 and 6. Is anyone on the other side of this and prepared to share some wisdom?

I have a great career and am senior enough that I can dictate my own priorities and diary so am normally available for sports days and things. I sometimes travel at reasonably short notice though but my husband has a small business and can always be there.

I accept that I will have to use childcare, and don’t feel any guilt about doing so.

Unless you can do that, it will be difficult!

I do think you need to think about what works for your family unit.

My DC are now 10 and 13. Over the years we have had a part time nanny for 4 years and then used wraparound. The nanny was expensive, however, it was temporary but meant that I could have a decent full time job / career, whilst my DH has a 'big' job. We now just use wraparound for the youngest.

It's all do-able if you work as a team. I am glad I work full time, not only do I enjoy what I do but, financially, we are a lot more secure. I control my own diary and can get to most events, although definitely not all and I am ok with that. My DC know that we have jobs that sometimes usurp the minor activity they have at school.

From a role model perspective, I think it's important for DC to see both parents financially contributing if it suits their family unit, to help diminish gender stereotypes - of course I realise this is not possible in all households, you need to do what works for you.

Yes I do, but only because of certain factors in my job and the parent I want to be may not match other peoples’ idea of ideal!

• my job is mainly from home, and is very well paid yet quite easy for me to do as I’m highly experienced and naturally very good at it - so I can exceed expectations without putting in that many hours
• i worked fewer hours when they were small, but now they are older I’m at home after school/collect them but often I’m also working
• i think a big part of parenting is by example so in the long run, the fact I have a career and as a family we’re well off is far better than ‘being available’ and spending loads of time interacting with my kids when they were younger. My eldest is 12 now and believe me she’s much more grateful that we have a nice house, she has nice things, we go on nice holidays and she’s very motivated to work hard so she can have these things for herself when she’s an adult - than feeling hard done by that I didn’t spend more time playing with her years ago. It’s hard to see this when they are very little though, but they won’t remember any of it!!

This is not to say that I don’t spend a good deal of time interacting with them - just that it’s ok for this not to be your first priority, as long as they have a loving, caring childhood experience overall.

I’m very lucky to feel that that I’ve been able to ‘do it all’, but that’s only possible thanks to the nature of my career (desk-based) the flexibility of my employer (wfh, part-time working to a pattern that suits me) and having a DH and family support around that fills the gap when I have to travel for work.

Yes I have, although it's largely down to DH's income, which means I can afford to do the job I love (badly paid) part time and based at home. My job isn't especially stressful so I feel I've got energy to listen to the DC and time to drive them around to clubs etc.

Yes, but the career I have allows me to work from home and am part time while DD is young. I didn't really establish this career until DD was about 3, she's nearly 7 now. Prior to that I worked admin jobs and felt thoroughly miserable. Found parenting a young child very lonely and boring, then went to work and was bored out of mind there. Career gave me something to do that was for me. That said, it's not teaching and has loads of flexibility. I don't earn loads but don't need to at this point in time.

Yes because I used after school childcare with zero guilt and have a DH who did just as much as me. I hardly ever did a morning school run as we both had some flexibility with work, he did them and I did some pick ups after school or it was after school club. When small they were in FT nursery.

My friend had a great job and was allowed to work at home when it was incredibly rare as a regional sales manager. It also involved travel a couple of days a week around her region. She was so guilty putting her first child in childcare she quit after a few weeks. She had to return to work after her DH left her many years later and the kids were older teens. She is going to have a very miserable retirement, if she even gets one.

Having school holidays off with your job was a perk most can only dream of.

Wow so many replies. Thanks very much for all your input. To answer a few questions:
I have a DH, he does less than his fair share and this is clearly an issue. His job is ft and has him out of the house 7-6 4-5 days a week. He has started doing more but also has a chronic pain condition which totally wipes him out at times. We've spoken about me going back into teaching and he is supportive while also knowing he needs to do more to step up. He can't do drop offs or picks though as travels far and wide for his work.
We have very little in the way of family help so can't really factor that in.
I'm really grateful to those of you who have reframed it as quality Vs quantity.
I've had my kids in after school club and they really aren't happy there. It's makes morning really stressful when they know they're going after school and so for us it's not an option but I am looking at a nanny or childminder as options. The childcare is a real mental barrier for me and is probably related to my own miserable experience of after school club.

Nice childminder?

my kids are a bit older now and we tend to get nice uni students who need the cash to do pickup, bring home, do homework, make tea etc. my kids wouldn’t want after school club either but that bit can be solved

I’m going to go against the grain and say I personally found it very difficult to do both well, even though I was very career focussed and when I was working I had a job with a lot of flexibility. I always felt that I was giving the best part of the day to my employer and so my child (I only had one at the time, but now have 2), would get the tired & frazzled parent at the ends of the day.
I have now had a few years off working and am in a position where I need to return to work, due to the cost of living. Trying to find a suitable position with flexibility and/or part-time hours is very difficult. I wish I was one of those incredible women who could work full time and still be a good mum!

Yes I do, but that's because I'm a parent who is happy to have my kids in breakfast club, after school club, holiday club, with grandparents etc. I've remained full time as has my DH and the kids fit around us in the week, weekend is family time. I love my job, and have never had any interest in being a SAHM or reducing my hours to have extra days at home, but loads of my friends are very different mums to me and wouldn't be happy with my life, and vice versa me with theirs

I was a teacher and I left as it was so unfeasible with DC and now I work in Children's Services for the LA. Not going to lie, still hard work, probably do similar hours but it's much more flexible in terms of drop offs and pick ups and things like Sports days etc. I also condense my hours so have a day off to myself every fortnight I took an initial small pay cut but am in my 4th year here now and get paid more than my UPS1 teaching jobs so there has been progression.

Just to add we still use wrap around but 1 or 2 days a week rather than daily.

My mum was a highly successful supply teacher whilst my brother and I were growing up. She was in demand and often got short term contracts for maternity leave cover and so forth but it suited her to have the flexibility.
I applaud you for not wanting your children in wrap around care (that's my view, but recognise it's not everyone's!), as it clearly affects your children.
Could you consider PT or maybe tutoring/hospital schools, so you are still teaching but not with the same pressure as FT classroom teaching.

I was a teacher for a number of years, then stayed at home when the children were small. DH was self employed and worked 10 hour days. There was no child care in those days, so I tutored in the evenings when DH was home.

Having decided to do something different, I was offered a mornings only teaching post, when mine were at school. Then I specialised, became an advisory teacher and eventually, after a number of promotions, my last full time job was AH in a secondary.

It is possible, but challenging to do the best for the family and the job.

Ooh this is very interesting. I've seen childrens services jobs but they tend to be for social workers specifically. Do you mind sharing what you do? No problems if not as appreciate that may be to personal for a public forum.

When I left 2 years ago, I was so fed up and done in that I got as far away from teaching as possible and having been working in admin on the NHS. It's soul destroying! I know it's not a choice between admin or teaching, their most be a middle ground but I worry I'll do ANOTHER job and not enjoy it so thinking maybe its better to go back to something I know

What has made your kids dislike after school club so much?

My kids loved breakfast club (mainly because they got to eat white bread 🙄 )

No, I can't be the mom I want to be while I'm in the career I want. It's a very stressful field and takes a lot of mental energy before and after work. The part of me left over for the kids is just too exhausted to engage with them in the way they need.

To be fair I do have one child who is on the pathway for autism assessment, which probably makes him more demanding than most kids.

I much prefer the parent I am when I'm not working, I'm in awe of the mom's who manage to do both.

I was freelance (business journalism) before they were born and it has worked very well around having kids at nursery/primary school. Now the youngest is 14, I'm planning to retrain - as a teacher - since I feel I now have more flexibility and am not as needed as I was for after school activities/being around.

Being freelance has meant I had lots of freedom around working hours/holidays etc. In fact, DH is also freelance, so we could be even more flexible if one of us had a deadline and also when one of our kids was seriously ill and spent a lot of time in hospital. We saved on hassle and cost around childcare/holiday clubs and the kids could always have friends around when they wanted. And we both had good/enough turnover, so we weren't compromising on earning.

But there are drawbacks, which I'm currently feeling, in a lack of predictability - especially around cashflow - and being responsible for my own admin (tax/pensions/client management/invoices etc). I'm looking forward to having to leave the house!

Mine are exactly the same!

My daughter loves wraparound and moans if she doesn’t go! She attends 4 days but would prefer 5 and if I pick up early that’s wrong too.

I work 4 days at the moment, but will be 5 in the future. WFH 2 days, office 2 days. On the office days husband does all the drop
off and pick up, dinner, shower, bed as I’m not there.

We are divorcing and it will be the same then, 50/50 shared care.

You need to sort the husband out or anything will be unachievable. I’d also suggest that hybrid working is essential for some work life balance. On WFH days I can do drop off/pick up and pop in to any of the school events as can flex my hours as needed.

I don’t think Teaching is a great option for parents.

Yes, I'd say that I had a good career and was the kind of parent I wanted to be. My DC are all adults now and I'm retired, and looking back there's not a lot I'd change.
However, I am sure there are people who would look at my career and say that I underachieved and others that would criticise some aspects of my parenting. And to some degree they'd probably be right. There have to be some compromises. After all, there are only 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week however well organised your life is.
But I'm happy with our compromises. And my DH made them too. I was a Consultant in a District General Hospital. I probably could have worked in a teaching hospital, done important research, been an officer of the relevant Royal College or any number of other things in my career if I had set my mind to it and worked hard enough for it but I didn't want to - I wanted a family life. That was achievable with the job I chose. Not always easy, but possible. I won't claim that there was never a day that I felt guilty that I wasn't at home or that I never missed a school play or anything, but between DH and I we made it work. DH made similar decisions regarding his work. We have both had good, satisfying careers but haven't pursued them to the highest level we could have. But we have three happy,successful balanced young adult offspring with whom we have excellent relationships and we've really enjoyed parenting them for the vast majority of the time. For me, that's happiness. It might not be for others. What we did seems to have worked for us but other ways are no doubt possible.
One thing I would say though is that I don't think it is harmful for children to build relationships with other people, both adults and children - Mum doesn't have to do everything. And I don't think it's bad for them to learn they have to make compromises too, they can't have everything they want all the time and need to see tgat tgeir parents have other aspects to their lives too. I'm sure some people will disagree with me, but we've raised 3 young adults who are happy, healthy,doing well on their chosen paths in life and have good relationships with their parents, siblings, partners and friends so our parenting doesn't seem to have screwed them up too much! I'm sure I am not perfect and of course I made mistakes but I think I've done ok, and without losing my career and own interests, so I'm happy with that. You don't have to be perfect to be good enough.

Absolutely no way I could do both, I worked part time once they were school age and that was the perfect compromise for me. My friends that worked full time seemed to be in a constant rush and constantly stressed, it's not something I could have managed.