Why I catch feelings for new people even though I’m married?

[GodForsakenSand]

This is kind of a vent.

I love my husband. I really do. Our life together is wonderful. He’s a good dad and partner to me, the best I could have asked for. And yet… somehow when I go away from him for any length of time, it seems super easy to develop crushes on other men?? Like I miss him so much and I haven’t fallen out of love with him. I just start to like new individuals too.

I don’t know if it has to do with my ADHD— some ADHD-havers describe an “out of sight, out of mind” situation where if their DPs aren’t right in front of them or initiating conversations, they sort of just forget about them and focus on what is presently in front of them… Or what, but I don’t want to be an emotional cheater. It’s causing me distress.

This most recent time, I met someone who has SOOO much in common with me. I’m envisioning a whole life together doing the things I love to do, going on the kind of holidays that I like to go on, being able to understand references to our very niche work culture… I didn’t think all that was important to me before. Maybe I’ve just made a good friend and I’m just really pleased about it? But it’s also been so long since I last had sex and I’m thinking about it with him. I don’t even really find his physique that attractive; he’s much too skinny for me. He has a funny bald spot on his head. But his personality… it’s really great. I laugh all the time with him. He makes hard days so much better, with his suggestions and his sunny, positive attitude… I think he also may have also activated my praise kink 🫣

I know I’m gonna go home and be ecstatic to see my DH and DD, throw my arms around them and kiss them over and over and tell them how desperately I missed them and never want to let them go again… And DH and I will fuck and it’ll feel like the first time all over again; the sex will be brain-fryingly good, and life will carry on. I’ll think of this latest guy every once in a while and wish I could spend more time with him, feel a few pangs of sadness, and eventually forget about him, unless I bump into him again. It happens every time.

I just wish I wasn’t like this. I don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about someone who isn’t my husband, feel guilty about it, and also miss DH. I don’t know how to get the feelings to stop in the moment.

I guess you’ll just have to put your big girl pants on and take control.

Do you miss your daughter whilst away or is she out of sight out of mind? Just wondered if your brain differentiates?

I don’t think you can stop your brain thinking things (fellow ADHD sufferer here) but you haven’t acted on these feelings and don’t want them so don’t think you should beat yourself up

Yes, I tend to miss her, but she’s way way in the back of my mind, and is typically only called to the front when it’s bed time and I can sack out whenever I want, instead of having to put her to bed.

Thanks

Wow.

This ‘catching feelings’ stuff - they don’t float around like flu you know. What you can do though is learn to have respect,

Seems like you make a lot of excuses for bad behaviour.

@Slatterndisgrace You’re not making any sense. I didn’t choose to interact with the men I’m interacting with, and I didn’t choose to develop feelings for them. I’m not behaving in any sort of way; I’m just experiencing and feeling.

So everything is out of your hands? You’re not responsible for anything you feel? Those feelings are just hovering around and you catch them, bewilderingly?

Gotcha.

What do you mean when you can ‘sack out’ (your daughter) whenever you want instead of having to put her to bed? And I’m the one not making any sense?

Dunno - it’s a nightmare in my office. All the feelings just floating about, people are totally powerless to avoid catching them.

Would a covid mask help maybe?

I’m curious what it is you think I am “doing” to.. give myself these feelings ?

When I’m away for work, DD is cared for by someone else. So normally I have to put her to bed, and wait to go to sleep myself. But when I am away, someone else puts her to bed, and I can go to sleep whenever I want. That’s when I think of her most.

Well clearly, by your own admission, you’re not doing anything to get these feelings. You just happen to catch them.

I’m out.

No wait. I want to hear you defend your assertion that I’m actively doing something that results in these feelings instead of passively catching them

Are you summoning me?!

I wants don’t get, not with me.

I wonder do you just like fantasising? Adhder here, I doubt you have an issue with object permanence if you can fantasise about the other man when he's not in front of you.

I have a pretty wild imagination so I tend to fantasise about men from fiction (books, dramas, etc) haha. Even though I adore my husband and find him so attractive.

Separately, I also wonder if you're struggling to connect with your husband and not so happy in your relationship. You mention not enough sex, and doing the things you love to do/going on holidays you like to go on, understanding each other's references, and him positively supporting and praising you. If all this is missing in your own life with your DH then no wonder you'd gravitate towards it mentally. So I'd look at how to improve your own marriage.

Do you have anybody in your life who actually likes being around you?

😁

Maybe it is just the thrill of the fantasy. New relationship energy is so fun…

I’m very happy in my marriage; I have zero complaints. We have sex any time I want it, and any time DH wants it and he rapidly gets me in the mood… We do have different hobbies, ideals for holidays, etc., but he won’t ever be able to understand my work culture because it’s just… extremely unique. Almost cult-like, and he can’t join at this point in his life.

I don’t think there’s much of a way to “fix” those things. We manage well enough to find things we both like to do and have mutually enjoyable holidays. But maybe then it’s okay to have these feelings, and not be guilty about them, so as long as I don’t act on them ?

Is it just a novelty, excitement thing? I'm addicted to novelty too. I'd try to look for other sources though be it romance media (there's a reason it's a mega industry lol - and yes I love new relationship energy, I live for trashy asian dramas or chick lit with lots of sexual tension and the first flush of romance) or other non romance things in your life.

It's true we can't control how we feel/think, and I don't think you need to feel ashamed for being attracted to someone else. Realistically most people in marriages will find someone else attractive at some point (the key is to not act on it). However you could be going down a slippery slope of fantasising and if that feeds into your behaviour, it could be dangerous.

@trufflebun yes, that all makes sense

Are you ovulating? Usually the "feelings" I catch for a crush off the TV are hormonally driven. I can imagine all sorts of qualities in the crush of the week...

My sister and I are autistic, possibly adhd too, and we both have issues with object permanence where people fade progressively the longer we go without seeing them. It's not a lack of caring or love in any way.

I guess you feed off other people's energy (not ina bad way) and enjoy this man's company which gives your brain the stimulation it craves.I wouldn't fret over it, it doesn't mean your marriage is wrong.
People also cannot control whom they find attractive.
What you can work on changing is your worry about this.💐

Controversial maybe but I don't see a problem with having a crush when you're married as long as you don't act on it and don't let it tarnish your feelings for your husband. It's just your ADHD brain looking for stimulation. It doesn't mean you don't love your DH or want to cheat.

I am actually! Maybe that has a lot to do with it

I am actually! Maybe that has a lot to do with it

Apologies if you’re not, but are you the poster who took her daughter on a long camping holiday? Your posts read like those. I ask because that poster also posted about fancying someone else quite intensely - but it passed. She put it down to ovulating!

So you guys are detectives, huh?