Why I catch feelings for new people even though I’m married?

[GodForsakenSand]

This is kind of a vent.

I love my husband. I really do. Our life together is wonderful. He’s a good dad and partner to me, the best I could have asked for. And yet… somehow when I go away from him for any length of time, it seems super easy to develop crushes on other men?? Like I miss him so much and I haven’t fallen out of love with him. I just start to like new individuals too.

I don’t know if it has to do with my ADHD— some ADHD-havers describe an “out of sight, out of mind” situation where if their DPs aren’t right in front of them or initiating conversations, they sort of just forget about them and focus on what is presently in front of them… Or what, but I don’t want to be an emotional cheater. It’s causing me distress.

This most recent time, I met someone who has SOOO much in common with me. I’m envisioning a whole life together doing the things I love to do, going on the kind of holidays that I like to go on, being able to understand references to our very niche work culture… I didn’t think all that was important to me before. Maybe I’ve just made a good friend and I’m just really pleased about it? But it’s also been so long since I last had sex and I’m thinking about it with him. I don’t even really find his physique that attractive; he’s much too skinny for me. He has a funny bald spot on his head. But his personality… it’s really great. I laugh all the time with him. He makes hard days so much better, with his suggestions and his sunny, positive attitude… I think he also may have also activated my praise kink 🫣

I know I’m gonna go home and be ecstatic to see my DH and DD, throw my arms around them and kiss them over and over and tell them how desperately I missed them and never want to let them go again… And DH and I will fuck and it’ll feel like the first time all over again; the sex will be brain-fryingly good, and life will carry on. I’ll think of this latest guy every once in a while and wish I could spend more time with him, feel a few pangs of sadness, and eventually forget about him, unless I bump into him again. It happens every time.

I just wish I wasn’t like this. I don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about someone who isn’t my husband, feel guilty about it, and also miss DH. I don’t know how to get the feelings to stop in the moment.

Well, I’m one person, not guys, but the point I was making was ‘you’ felt this exact way only last month and, if you considered that, you might find a pattern. But go snap at someone else. Or fuck the skinny guy. Don’t care.

I’m sorry; I wasn’t intending on coming across as snappy. I was trying to make a joke… this happens almost every thread 🙈

I kind of want to jump in on what the previous poster said about not taking responsibility. I think what she might have been getting at is that we all have many thoughts a day and we don't have to get stuck in them or fantasise about them because we use self control, and we have free will, for most of us, the commitments and love that we have for our families over ride any other feelings or thoughts that might arise. As you have spoken about ADHD, my understanding of some types of this is that it may affect your ability to do this, I have no first hand experience of this, but I teach children who are diagnosed with it and their executive function and impulse control does seem less. The problem is to other non neuro divergent adults this sounds really "airy fairy" and like you aren't taking responsibility for your actions. To be fair if my husband was saying the things you are I wouldn't have much sympathy for him, because it's hurtful to think that people you love forget you as soon as they something else shiny and new. Are you medicated for your ADHD? Would that help?

It’s an ADHD thing. Both the being drawn to someone else and ‘out of sight, out of mind’ - that’s call ‘Object impermanence’.
Not sure if you are aware of the ADHD_love couple Rich and Rox? They cover this in one of their books (sorry I can’t remember which one!). Title of the chapter is ‘Fallen in love with anyone else recently?’ 😆 both books are worth a listen and also their podcast.
You get a dopamine rush from novelty. I’m in a lovely relationship but I spent the day with a friend and their friend. Their friend also has ADHD, used to do the profession I do and is my age, also going through a divorce. Conversation consisted ago a lot of ‘You do that? Me too!’. I don’t often have a connection with someone like that! I’d never cheat but I am drawn to him.
I find if I feel like this about someone outside my relationship, the best thing is to keep my distance and to try to find a new hyperfixation!

Thanks. I think I actually did follow that instagram couple, before I had to put settings on my phone to stem my social media addiction 🙈

To 'catch feels' is perhaps an unhelpful turn of phrase: possibly the reason you feel at their mercy, and almost certainly why previous posters have suggested you need to 'take responsibility'.

Feelings arise in your awareness and really, you don't have to assign any more or less importance to them than you choose to. You can just notice that a person has caught your attention, observe that it is eliciting a particular kind of sensation in your body or stimulated certain thought processes, and decide to pay it no more attention, allowing it to quietly slosh around on the periphery of your experience.

Or, you can decide to engage with the sensation you notice, enjoying letting it play out in the safe confines of your mind -absolutely zero harm done and no need to feel guilty. You are in charge, not whichever 'feels' that appear on the screen of your consciousness.

Your relationship sounds lovely. You sound as if you experience things in intense and immediate ways and possibly without much of a margin or flex for stepping back and reflecting. Feelings are 'just' feelings -they fulfil a crucial, essential function in guiding our actions and decisions, helping us position ourselves in relation to events and occurrences, but we should lead with our 'feels', not be led by them.

Ok...I would guess in your case you fancy other people because your marriage is a bit odd and you have no friends in real life. You mistake human connection and interest for sexual attraction.

Can you accept and almost grey rock yourself with a standard phrase? “Oh, there I go again with my Big Crush, I’m sure that Bob farts rainbows! Maybe time to think about (holiday plans/new dress for DD/whatever)”

You sound quite passive in all this and as if you’re not in control of your own thoughts. Hormones and sexual attraction are involuntary but mooning about imagining a fantasy life with someone else is down to you. Try to accept that you will experience physical attraction to men but that it doesn’t mean anything- you don’t need to act on it or indulge it. Just ride the wave and move on.

I have the expression “catch feelings” which comes from hook up culture. That’s not where you are now so another way of framing it might help.

It's a fantasy, a what if. As long as it remains a fantasy that's fine, the problem is you may be giving out, 'I'm available' vibes to the other man. Be careful you don't get into a bad situation with one of these crushes. We all have fantasies, what I would do if I won a million, or yours, who I might be with if I wasn't happily married and what it would be like. Just remember it is a fantasy.

I have adhd - it's well worth tracking your cycle op!

My ovaries sing an orchestra at certain times of the month 😆

Thank you all for your input and advice. I really appreciate you talking it through with me!