Judgment over children’s living arrangements

[Chickenstewie]

SIL and BIL are divorcing.

They have worked out child arrangements between themselves. The two children will stay with BIL Monday to Friday and SIL will have them Friday evening after work until Monday morning when he will pick them up and take them to school.

BIL will have them in the week as he’s self employed and can work once he’s dropped them at school and will finish work at 3pm to pick them up and spend the afternoon/evening with them. He can also be flexible to take days off/wfh when they are off school sick, he can make up work time at the weekends - this has been the set up since they were babies anyway while they have been together, so nothing changes for the children apart from mum not coming home at 7pm.

SIL is out of the house 8am - 7pm with work and commute, so if she had them in the week, she would pick them up from their dads and then only see them for an hour before bed anyway.

They are going to have equal time school holidays as SIL job is term time and BIL self employment is quite flexible.

They are all happy with this arrangement.

So why is poor SIL getting so much grief? She’s had some awful comments about “abandoning” her children during the week. How they couldn’t do it, and that she should fight to have them in the week and for dad to have weekends. Why, so she can see them for an hour a night, rushing dinner, bath and bedtime, verses two whole days and three nights with them?

She’s getting judged so harshly over it, it’s so unfair. In her shoes, I would do the same thing, she gets far more time with them on the weekends.

Why are people so quick to judge if a woman doesn’t have her children during the week?

Agree, my kids dad and I have a personal arrangement. I do weekdays he has them 2/3 weekends per month (sometimes 4 but depends on his work rota!). I don't get 'quality time' but that's just how it falls for us. As long as both parents and the children are happy, then it sounds amazing!

Yet most men aren’t told to do this in the event of a split……

The same thing presumably as if the mother met a new man

I think it’s a bit sad that dad doesn’t get any weekend time with them. Like father’s who only have their children on weekends, she is also missing out on essential bonding with her children.

It is what it is though. I wouldn’t say the alternative is she takes them for an hour on a weeknight before bed. If she had them, she should be responsible for them for 24 hours so the other parent is free to earn without constraint. So at least she isn’t doing the thing so many fathers do where they expect the mother to do all the actual parenting and cover all the expenses, but want credit for the night.

Why? Why is it ok for a dad not to see his kids but not for a mum?

Four nights with dad and three nights with mum - nothing wrong with that.

I've felt a huge stigma from other mums as the courts ruled 50/50 when my two sons were very small and then, as they got older, went to their dads more. It wasn't a choice, unfortunately, and it hurts to think that people think I'm a bad mum when all I've done is love my sons unconditionally. I've had to learn (somehow and with support) to put my heartache to one side to protect them although it's almost killed me at times.
Unfortunately my ex-husband was not only and emotional abuser but also a financial one, and would explain why he lives in a property worth over one million with swimming pool and hot tub whilst I remain in privately rented a decade on.
And then ask me one of the reasons (as well as manipulation/control from ex-husband) why I don't see my boys anywhere near as much as I should.
Counselling finally made me realise I'm a good mum; I just married the wrong man. I will never get back the childhood years lost (my eldest is almost 18), but all I can do is pray that one day my sons will see the truth.
Please don't judge mums who aren't always with their children.

If it was the other way round no one would say anything. If it works for them which it sounds like it does then that’s great. I think taking them for tea mid week once they are a bit older is a good idea.

This is what I don’t understand at all!

Why would it be better for her to pick up the children at 7pm and see them for an hour before bed, wake up and have to drop them somewhere at 8am so she can leave for work after a hurried hour getting everyone ready and out the door. It’s hardly quality time.

So, just two stressful hours a day with her children, verses the whole weekend.

I don’t understand why it’s more acceptable to people for her to have them in the week when the bulk of the time she’s with them, they would be asleep.

It’s absolutely crazy.

I am so sorry you went though that. People forget that emotional and financial abuse doesn’t end when you leave them.

Who is giving her grief? Anyone who knows her well enough will know the circumstances and understand why. So the real question is, why do people ask these questions.

We had a similar set up for very similar reasons but make that 25 years ago. Judgment was even worse then.

But it was in the best interests of the children and and there have been times where I have doubted myself/second guessed myself but I return to all the reasons why we had that arrangement and it still remains it what was best for the children.

A lot of her friends and acquaintances and her own family. She’s been very upset by it. People have generally been vile when they have asked/she had told them about their new living arrangements. Yeah, it’s none of peoples business, but it generally comes up in conversation when you are divorcing.

People seem to take the view that she’s somehow abandoning her children and have been absolute pricks about it.