Judgment over children’s living arrangements

[Chickenstewie]

SIL and BIL are divorcing.

They have worked out child arrangements between themselves. The two children will stay with BIL Monday to Friday and SIL will have them Friday evening after work until Monday morning when he will pick them up and take them to school.

BIL will have them in the week as he’s self employed and can work once he’s dropped them at school and will finish work at 3pm to pick them up and spend the afternoon/evening with them. He can also be flexible to take days off/wfh when they are off school sick, he can make up work time at the weekends - this has been the set up since they were babies anyway while they have been together, so nothing changes for the children apart from mum not coming home at 7pm.

SIL is out of the house 8am - 7pm with work and commute, so if she had them in the week, she would pick them up from their dads and then only see them for an hour before bed anyway.

They are going to have equal time school holidays as SIL job is term time and BIL self employment is quite flexible.

They are all happy with this arrangement.

So why is poor SIL getting so much grief? She’s had some awful comments about “abandoning” her children during the week. How they couldn’t do it, and that she should fight to have them in the week and for dad to have weekends. Why, so she can see them for an hour a night, rushing dinner, bath and bedtime, verses two whole days and three nights with them?

She’s getting judged so harshly over it, it’s so unfair. In her shoes, I would do the same thing, she gets far more time with them on the weekends.

Why are people so quick to judge if a woman doesn’t have her children during the week?

Interesting because I basically have that set up but in reverse and I get negative comments about them being with their dad every weekend, I think people just like to judge, and people who don’t have shared custody just can’t get their head around any kind of set up.

They both sound very sensible, and doing what is best for the children. As it should be.

Would you say the same if it was the father in that situation?

It seems great except the children don't get much quality time with dad. Does he not want any weekends with them?
I'd prefer every other weekend and the non resident parent doing a teatime mid week.
But people should not be commenting. She's the breadwinner and she's putting her children's stability first. I bet women criticizing are a bit jealous that they couldn't trust their husband/ex husband to do this properly. I couldn't. And I'm tired!

Sounds like a good solution to me. I hope they manage to make it work.

They both sound like great child centred parents though please pass that onto them! And the great thing about deciding things out of court is that if something isn't working they can tweak it later

But why should the mother do it instead? they are both the parent are they not?

Also if they only live around the corner presumably if they're on good terms she could pop over and do story time a couple nights a week?

But then he would have to work until late in the evening himself and they would be in childcare after school. He’s always worked until the afternoon in the week and made it up at weekends since they had the children.

Plus, working for himself he can be really flexible in the holidays too, work all the time SIL has them, and then he’s got all his time off when he has them.

I pick my children up from school and have heaps of time with them from 3:15 until they go to bed. We do loads! So I can see how it’s okay for term time to have those weekday afternoons with them.

Because it’s double standards for women sadly.

honestly they’ll have more time with their kids than we do. We’ve always worked full time so the kids were in after school club. Every afternoon together is lovely and it sounds like they’re both reasonable people so the dad can get some weekend time sometimes if there’s something special he wants to do or a family occasion or whatever. Sounds even better the more I think about it.

but the point is no one should be commenting, it’s intrusive and not their business.

Yes, we had that discussion with MIL at the weekend. But BIL has always done bedtime routine so far as that’s just what has worked best for them, she’s in from work and they are winding down for bed.

It’s only been a month since he moved into his new place, so I think they wanted to keep it all as normal for the children as possible to begin with, to keep them as settled as possible. Seems to be working, the children are as happy as ever, the only thing that’s changed is they are excited by the novelty of having bedrooms to decorate at daddy’s new house. They are still as happy as ever.

You wait OP not only will people judge your SIL for not caring about her kids your BIL will also have hysterical mums at school refusing to let their kids go round for playdates because he's a single dad. My DB was primary carer for his two daughters and some parents were really judgy about that and behaved as if he was some sort of predator who had deliberately had girls and got rid of his wife to lure other people's children to their doom. My poor ex-SIL used to lie to people about how often she had the kids because people were so horrible to her.

Yes, they have both said they would be flexible.

It doesn’t always have to be fighting and rigidly sticking to plans just because you can. I had the same with my ex, we would often swap weekends/holidays/random days if one of us had plans we would like ds included in. Not every divorce is toxic, I think most people try to make it work for the sake of their children being happy.

I mean, it sounds as optimal as a separation can get from the children’s perspective. Dad being just round the corner is amazing, as is both parents still getting on. It won’t stay the way it is now, the children will get older and new partners may enter the scene. But for now it sounds just fine.

Monday morning until Friday after school? Not a week?

Oh he’s already had the “poor single dad” crap. He has someone offering to batch cook meals for him and the children! He was like, it’s okay, I’ve managed to scrape together their dinners for years now, I’ll continue to do that!

SIL has had people wanting to burn the witch for daring to work during the week, but BIL has been pained as some hapless idiot who will send the children to school in pyjamas and forget to feed them. It’s staggering.

She gets to see them on four out of seven days a week. She also gets the weekends when the kids are home all day and can do fun stuff. It doesn't sound like she gets any less time than the dad. People’s are strange if that's cause issues.

I managed it with my ex husband. Our ds is 22 now and we still get on great, both remarried a couple of years after we divorced. It’s not always doom and gloom.

It sounds like a pragmatic arrangement.

What children need most is stability and consistent love. The sex of who provides that and when is not particularly relevant.

I agree with you.

My brother and ex SIL got divorced and agreed the split of assets and the time with the kids.

I do think it's sad where a former couple have to go to a judge to tell them when they can see their own kids, because they couldn't agree it between them.

Sometimes, they just react to "win" and don't act in the best interests of the child.

Really? I always think my single mum friends get the raw deal, week days, school runs, early beds, week day teas, homework, appointments, sick days.

Whilst dad gets weekends, lie in, fun stuff, proper time together.

3 nights out of 7, and two whole days, instead of about 12 hours worth of school runs, after school exhaustion, rushed dinners and bath times (assuming she could even pick up from school, which she can't anyway!!)

Anyone judging is either a fool or jealous. Yes, the weeks will seem long, but the empty weekends would seem even longer!

The set up is fine and both parents are happy. Tell the nosy people commenting to F OFF and concentrate on their own lives , they are obvs bored if they have time to gossip. Sad little lives they have.

It’s crazy isn’t it? People judge however you do things.