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My mother gave 14 yo DD alcohol

48 replies

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:10

My DD turned 14 this week and as a treat, my mum arranged a ‘girly’ sleepover at her house with my younger DD (12), mum’s best friend and her 13 yo foster child. The idea was they’d watch a film, have a takeout and perhaps have a pamper.

DD has returned home to tell me she had an alcopop. She was actively encouraged to have this by my mother who told her it “wasn’t real alcohol”. I have only ever offered DD a couple of sips of wine with a meal in the past, mostly to demystify it because she hated the taste and I figured it was a good method to deter her from underage drinking. She’s a good girl generally but she can be easily influenced. The foster child also had alcohol by the way and she is not only 13 but also a Muslim… My 12yo was encouraged too but thankfully had the nouse to decline.

It isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last time they stayed at hers, my mother got blind drunk (pretty much comatose) and left the kids to do whatever the hell they wanted. I was irritated enough then, I don’t think adults in charge of children should ever be in a state like that personally.

I have said, perhaps in anger, I just don’t trust my mum with them anymore and I don’t want them to sleep over again. My DD is now extremely upset. Am I overreacting? I know alcopops are extremely low alcohol but I do think the fact they taste so much like pop is dangerous.

OP posts:
Bertielong3 · 08/06/2025 13:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 08/06/2025 13:13

Your anger might put your dd off confiding in you again. It's your mum you need to be laying down the law with. She's clearly a big drinker, but she doesn't have the right to give this to your dd. If you can explain you don't want this without falling out, so much the better.

FionnulaTheCooler · 08/06/2025 13:13

She only had one alcopop? I don't think it's too bad for a 14 year old to be honest. I let mine have a glass of Bucks Fizz at Christmas but like yours she didn't like it anyway.

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alcoholnightmare · 08/06/2025 13:14

You are not overreacting at all. However you hugely under-reacted when you were “irritated” at thr blind drunk neglect incident.
that foster ‘parent’ needs reporting

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:14

I offered wine for that reason, it doesn’t taste the nicest to a child whereas an alcopop is literally like pop, I think for that reason they’re more dangerous.

I have told DD I’m not remotely angry with her at all and she has done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/06/2025 13:15

If she’s a foster carer then this sounds very problematic, if the foster child mentions this to her social worker it will likely be taken very seriously and she may not be trusted to foster anymore. I would not be happy.

TryForSpring · 08/06/2025 13:16

Last time they stayed at hers, my mother got blind drunk (pretty much comatose) and left the kids to do whatever the hell they wanted. I was irritated enough then, I don’t think adults in charge of children should ever be in a state like that personally.

This is way more alarming. What messages is your DD getting when she's allowed back after this serious episode, but one alcopop is a drama?

FruityCider · 08/06/2025 13:17

You're overreacting to the the alchopop and underreacted to the 'blind drunk' drip feed. No more stays unless there's a guarantee of no alcohol. Up to you if you give her a second (third) chance.

SapporoBaby · 08/06/2025 13:17

But DD did do something wrong - she drank alcohol underage. Why let her off just because your mum was at fault? She should know it’s not allowed

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:18

I did get angry last time and was reluctant to send them this time but it was a birthday treat for DD and she was desperate to go (she’s close to mum’s foster child) so I wrongly allowed it.

OP posts:
heavenisaplaceonearth · 08/06/2025 13:18

alcoholnightmare · 08/06/2025 13:14

You are not overreacting at all. However you hugely under-reacted when you were “irritated” at thr blind drunk neglect incident.
that foster ‘parent’ needs reporting

This.

Your mum can’t look after them. It doesn’t sound like she knows how to look after a child or what is “normal”. Don’t be scared, your instincts are good, trust them because it’s likely your mum hasn’t showed you how to parent.

The foster mother is a disgrace and will be making it very hard for that young girl going forward. Please report her.

FruityCider · 08/06/2025 13:19

SapporoBaby · 08/06/2025 13:17

But DD did do something wrong - she drank alcohol underage. Why let her off just because your mum was at fault? She should know it’s not allowed

Also true. Your DD has responsibility in this too. Noone forced her to drink. My mum got me and some friends a couple of WKDs each for my 15th birthday, but all parents were aware and consented. One friend said no, no drama.

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:20

SapporoBaby · 08/06/2025 13:17

But DD did do something wrong - she drank alcohol underage. Why let her off just because your mum was at fault? She should know it’s not allowed

She did and I have explained but equally she is 14 and I understand she buckled under peer pressure. I don’t blame her for this, I blame my mother who was the adult with responsibility.

OP posts:
TryForSpring · 08/06/2025 13:20

Hang on, your mum got bling drunk while responsible for child she fosters?

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:21

TryForSpring · 08/06/2025 13:20

Hang on, your mum got bling drunk while responsible for child she fosters?

Yes. I wanted to report her in truth but DH talked me out of it.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 08/06/2025 13:24

@Opinionsneededpls

Why on earth did your husband talk you out of reporting her?
She is in breach of all sorts of legal and moral responsibilities to that foster child who deserves better

Seventree · 08/06/2025 13:25

Honestly, I think you were really irresponsible to allow the sleepover to happen in the first place. You're responsible for your child and allowed her to be in the care of someone who has already proven she's not trustworthy by getting blackout drunk.

I'd just be grateful nothing worse happened and stop giving your mum unsupervised access to your children.

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:29

Ted27 · 08/06/2025 13:24

@Opinionsneededpls

Why on earth did your husband talk you out of reporting her?
She is in breach of all sorts of legal and moral responsibilities to that foster child who deserves better

Well, I agree but DH said I would destroy her life and potentially the foster child’s life who is, by all means, happy and settled with my mum.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum anyway to be honest, I’m not going to drip feed but I know I was naive to trust her this time after what happened last time.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/06/2025 13:30

You’re not over reacting. And your mum sounds like she has a problem with alcohol.

GreenCandleWax · 08/06/2025 13:36

Hang on! You let your two DC have a sleepover with a woman who got blind drunk last time she was looking after them? What kind of blinkers are you wearing OP, that you could allow her to be in charge of them and the other child overnight? She may be your DM but you can't let this happen. Be angry, you should be, but don't give her another chance on this.

drspouse · 08/06/2025 13:37

Not only is it not safe for the foster child to be with an adult who is blind drunk but it's possible it's what she's seen in her own parents. It's unconscionable to let her still have custody.

Dishdelish · 08/06/2025 13:42

Is the foster child a family foster placement? That matters because there are hardly any foster placements and family placement is much better than a children’s home in terms of outcome so social services would require a much, much higher threshold.

But for your own DDs, you cannot leave them with her again if this is a boundary for you. I wouldn’t be happy either.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 08/06/2025 13:51

I can tell just from this scenario that your mum is a CF like the mother's we have to deal with on another thread especially for these types of ' mums'.

This is exactly the stuff my mum would do. She cared for my child when I was unwell and often passed out drunk.

Your husband is very wrong and I feel here you need to set boundaries with him too. Be strong in your knowing this is bad. And I'd guess your mum would turn it on you as being ' dramatic ' and ' too sensitive ' if you ever challenge her appalling behaviour.

She knew very well indeed that you would not want your daughter having an alcopop. She did it any way. There was not one innocent thing about this. You need to gradually distance her.

Is there a way to have the foster child stay with you sometimes? The poor kid honestly.

alcoholnightmare · 08/06/2025 13:54

Opinionsneededpls · 08/06/2025 13:29

Well, I agree but DH said I would destroy her life and potentially the foster child’s life who is, by all means, happy and settled with my mum.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum anyway to be honest, I’m not going to drip feed but I know I was naive to trust her this time after what happened last time.

Personally, I’d rather wreck my mother’s life, than a foster child’s life further.

alcoholnightmare · 08/06/2025 13:55

If YOUR daughters were with a foster parent who got black out drunk therefore neglecting them… what would YOU want to happen?