My mother gave 14 yo DD alcohol

[Opinionsneededpls]

My DD turned 14 this week and as a treat, my mum arranged a ‘girly’ sleepover at her house with my younger DD (12), mum’s best friend and her 13 yo foster child. The idea was they’d watch a film, have a takeout and perhaps have a pamper.

DD has returned home to tell me she had an alcopop. She was actively encouraged to have this by my mother who told her it “wasn’t real alcohol”. I have only ever offered DD a couple of sips of wine with a meal in the past, mostly to demystify it because she hated the taste and I figured it was a good method to deter her from underage drinking. She’s a good girl generally but she can be easily influenced. The foster child also had alcohol by the way and she is not only 13 but also a Muslim… My 12yo was encouraged too but thankfully had the nouse to decline.

It isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last time they stayed at hers, my mother got blind drunk (pretty much comatose) and left the kids to do whatever the hell they wanted. I was irritated enough then, I don’t think adults in charge of children should ever be in a state like that personally.

I have said, perhaps in anger, I just don’t trust my mum with them anymore and I don’t want them to sleep over again. My DD is now extremely upset. Am I overreacting? I know alcopops are extremely low alcohol but I do think the fact they taste so much like pop is dangerous.

She is not underage for drinking alcohol, though. She’s underage for buying it, which is very different. I think the minimum
age for drinking alcohol is five.

It isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last time they stayed at hers, my mother got blind drunk (pretty much comatose) and left the kids to do whatever the hell they wanted. I was irritated enough then, I don’t think adults in charge of children should ever be in a state like that personally.

Yet, you let them sleepover again. Your parenting decision making leaves a lot to be desired, doesn't it?

No, if it’s not ok for the OPs daughter it’s much less so for a foster child who by definition is much more vulnerable. The foster child may be settled but they deserve a safe, loving placement with responsible carers.

I have told DD I’m not remotely angry with her at all and she has done nothing wrong.

Lol

Apart from accept an alcoholic drink when she knows her mum doesn't allow it.

But anyway, why on earth would you let her stay the night with a woman who in your own words, got 'blind drunk' and 'pretty much comatose' last time?

Really bad choice OP.

You're splitting hairs here.

Her mum doesn't allow it.

She accepted it, knowing that.

@Dishdelish

Could you clarify why it's not acceptable for the ops own children to be there, but it's ok for a vulnerable foster child.
Or is the foster child's safety not as important because she's just a foster child.

The foster child situation is the most worrying of all, at 13/14 I’m less worried about your mother being drunk as she’s old enough to look after herself and her sister anyway or an alcopop though not granny of the year for sure! A paid carer in the form of a foster parent should know a lot better, having a couple (and only a couple) of drinks herself is ok but definitely no alcohol below 16 then only one drink with a meal in line with the restaurant laws

The legal age for drinking at home is 5.

It’s not splitting hairs. The poster said the girl was underage for drinking. That’s factually incorrect.

I might be wrong, but i read the OP as there was another adult present, the DM's friend and it is her who is the foster mother.

I actually read it the same as you did, but so many people didn’t seem to. Still I’d be reporting that foster parent… mother or best mate regardless.

Hmm I’d be inclined to limit visits to non sleepovers for a while - but they’re 14 and 12, they don’t need a tonne of active supervision at that age.

The offering the 12 year olds alcohol is the red line for me but - we live in a pretty shit world and if your DM loves that foster child and is generally ok with her I’d be sitting her down and saying mum, you can’t offer alcohol to children, please stop.

your dh was right to talk you out of reporting her imho but - you need to have a tough conversation, I’d consider reporting if she doesn’t sort herself out.

How the the DD do anything wrong? She's underage to BUY alcohol but not to drink it in a private home

I’d be mad too. If my 14 year old was given a taste of wine with a nice dinner at her Nan’s house, I wouldn’t mind a bit. But to actively be encouraging her to drink ‘fun’ alcoholic drinks in an environment where getting drunk is normal, this is incredibly irresponsible behaviour from your mum.

Are you suggesting the DD had literally no idea that her mum doesn't allow her to drink alcohol?

Really?

Because that's quite an oversight if she forgot to tell her daughter that.

Well yes - the 12 year old said no - so the 14 yo either didn’t want to say no, or felt they couldn’t and that is a useful discussion to have - it won’t be the last time…

I quoted from the post that said she DRANK it underage. Well no she actually didnt

You asked How the the DD do anything wrong?

She disobeyed her mother.

All the rest is just silly point scoring over legal facts.

So the poster who said she was drinking underage is incorrect. And where in the OP did it say she had told her DD not to drink alcohol?

The OP had given the girl wine before so obviously not a definite ban on alcohol

Your mother has a problem with alcohol and now she's introducing her young grandchildren to alcohol. And her foster child too.

All manners of wrong.

Yes but that's grim

Don't do this. Nasty and unnecessary.

People raised by dysfunctional mother's really have a difficult time grappling with setting boundaries, trust, being confused by the relationship and what's ok. OP would have been trained no doubt to forgive, give chances and ' not be so sensitive/ over reacting ' most her life I will bet.

I said in my prior post that OPs mum is a CF. And she is. It is however significantly more complex. I can tell immediately on reading this post that the family system is probably a narcissistic one led by OPs mum. The alcopop is almost like grooming. It's what the grandmother's often do. Win the grandkids over as their pawns. ' don't tell your mum, our secret ' etc etc.

OP is now really starting to question the fucked upness of it. It's a long gradual process. The fact people come on MN and post for help shows you how isolating and confusing it is growing up like this. People from healthy families don't need to post these questions.