Froggy and Dory. The Warts And All True Story:
Captain Froggy had retired. He pottered about quietly in the same Lake Discrict tied cottage he'd grown up in with his single mother, owned by some mysterious absentee landlord back in the day but now taken over by the National Trust.
He was once approached by them to be a living tourist attraction, dressing up as Mr Jeremy Fisher for coach parties to photograph in return for reduced rent but he declined.
He savoured his hermit like existance. Nobody to please but himself. Sometimes in the fading sunlight of a late April afternoon he would wander, lonely as a cloud, o'er vales and hills. Picking daffodils, irises, even the occasional gladiolus from somebody's front garden. All flowers were beautiful to Froggy.
He was preparing some fresh water for his latest spring bouquet, rinsing his favourite vase in his Belfast sink, trimming stems and humming a tune when he heard a strange, gutteral noise coming from deep inside the plumbing.
He ignored it at first but then a muscular but slimy arm appeared out of the sink drain, its clammy fingers grasping onto the slippery sides, then another arm, then a head.
Froggy was so surprised, he fell over backwards, and lay strewn with wet flowers on the floor, clutching some gladioli in one hand like an early eighties era Morrissey but without the hearing aid.
A familiar face then swum into view,
"Aye, it's me, Sandy 'Jock' Salamander. Do ye nae recognise an old friend?"
Froggy would not have called Sandy Salamander a friend. They were bitter rivals. Sandy was the complete opposite of Froggy. Salamander changed his appearance to suit the conditions of the times, and always seemed to regenerate and come from bad situations without feeling any pain, whereas Froggy wore his heart under a thin skin. If you were really up close to his chest you could even see it beating.
"What the hell are you doing hiding down my sink? How do you know where I live?" said Froggy. hurling the gladioli across the room.
"Nae mind. You'd be needed on one last wee job, Fraggy. Offer ye cannae refuse."
"Oh yes I can!" shouted Froggy, indignant, then he added "What is it anyway?" curiosity getting the better of him.
"Diego Garcia needs you. That's all I can say here, Fraggy."
"Never met such a fellow. Can't the Spaniards sort their own business out?"
"It's nae a person, Fraggy, it's a military base in the Indian Ocean."
Froggy bit his lip. Yet again, Alexander "Sandy" Salamander had made him feel inferior.
Froggy had worked his way up through the ranks through sheer grit and determination. As a child, It was just him and his mother, a poor Westmoreland pond frog who had got work in domestic service north of the border and had quickly fallen victim to the wicked charms of the local Laird. Whereas Salamander had slithered to the top using his family connections as a member of the powerful but notoriously secretive Loch Ness "Nessie" clan.
"I'll do it!" replied Froggy. "Honour of the regiment and all that." he added, which was a calculated dig at Sandy because Salamander was such a well known slimeball.
"There’s a squadron of young Ensign Great Cresteds waiting for ye doon yer lavatory with a wee dinghy to take you through the sewers to your next muster point. I knew you'd say yes."
The pair hopped and slid towards the toilet seat to be greeted by a handsome band of eager and fresh faced young newts in a semi rigid landing craft down the bowl, clearly in awe of seeing the two great warrior rivals snout to snout.
Standing on the edge of the lavatory, Froggy was preparing to dive into the inflatable but then Salamander suddenly grasped his arm and took an envelope out of his breast pocket.
"What's this new fresh hell?" cried Froggy, exasperated.
"You may as well open this noo, Captain." said Salamander. He appeared to be fighting back tears.
Nonplussed, Froggy opened the envelope. Inside was a photograph of a beautiful young Tang fish, smiling shyly but with a playful twinkle in her eye and a revolver in her front fin.
"That's Agent Dory. You'll be working with her in the Indian Ocean. She's the real deal. True blue."
"Oh great!" wailed our gallant Captain. "A flytrap! A honeypot!"
"No, not Dory. She's the last of the good ones. You'll like her. Just professionally, of course."
"I'm never having another woman in my life again, Salamander. You, of all people, should know why."
Everybody gulped into the silence and raw emotion. Froggy, Sandy and all the young Ensign Newts were holding their breath. (Apart from Ensign Norbert Newt who was scrolling through Tiktok.)
"I'm sorry about coming between you and Fionnula. It was all my fault." said Captain Salamander, sotto voce.
Froggy and Sandy looked at each other cold in the eye. Their third eyelids blinked in unison.
They both stared at their feet, then glanced away to the right at the toilet roll holder. "I should have changed that really," thought Froggy, "There's only three sheets left on it, still, never mind, I'm going away now."
At length, they both puffed out their chests and drawing himself up to his full height, Froggy muttered, "It was complicated but we are gentlemen. It is never the lady's fault."
They shook hands.
"I must go." said Froggy, facing the edge of the lavatory seat, his head held high, he leapt effortlessly into the waiting dinghy, Ensign Neville Newt helping him on with his life jacket.
"Wait! Wait!" screamed Salamander, like a spoilt three year old girl who'd spilt Ribena down her party dress.
"There’s something that turned up in the files, Froggy! When I was looking for your address! What's your real name?"
"Ever heard of a little boy called Frasier?" spat Froggy out of the corner of his mouth.
"I detest you, Salamander but you and I may have more in common than you think."
Sandy gasped.
"Now, if you must excuse me, I believe Agent Dory is waiting for me."
Froggy, (Or Frasier as we now know him but this could get confusing later on in the book) then bellowed to the newt standing on top of the toilet cistern,
"ENSIGN, PRESENT FLUSH.
ENSIGN, ENGAGE FLUSH.
ENSIGN, FLUSH!"
The young Great Crested Newt then pushed the lever, plunged down into the swirling maelstrom of the lavatory bowl to join the squadron, Froggy pulling him over the side of the tiny boat himself and the fearless band
hurtled down the sewer pipes to their next adventure.
To be continued...