How to help 8yo AuDHD son make friends

[WantToLiveOnRakiura]

Son is 8, diagnosed ADHD and ASD, homeschooled, socially isolated and has no friends. How do I help him move forward socially?

He is highly socially motivated, very kind and friendly, but very immature: consistent with ADHD lag in executive function and social skills, and ASD lag in expressive language skills, he comes across as being about 6, and doesn't really know how to start up or hold a conversation, or start up and properly follow the rules of a playground game. If someone older is leading the conversation or game he can do it, but this obviously requires someone older being there and willing to help.

In a school context (ages 5-6) he was constantly baited and picked on, never played with. He also got on teachers'/ parents'/kids' nerves by being years ahead academically despite being very immature. Since starting homeschooling at 6, he hasn't gelled with the homeschool community - who have also either ignored him or picked on him for being different.

Family live overseas and are uninterested. Grandparents "feel sorry for" the cousins when they "have to entertain him", and don't even want to talk to him. Cousins are clearly encouraged to feel the same way.

Son has an all-consuming passion for music (plays 2 instruments at extremely high level, sings, composes, wins all the prizes at competitions, plays in organised chamber groups, 2 orchestras & church services, sings in choir, etc.) so I have tried a lot to help him make friends in musical contexts. He often says he would love to have a friend to play duets with - but music kids all seem to either ignore him, or detest him because he's both good at music and "different". Their parents make comments like "well, yes, he's good, but it's never going to go anywhere, given what he's like" and "nice he has something to keep him occupied since he'll never live on his own".

He's wanting to return to school for year 5 (Feb 2026) but he's going to be even further behind socially than he was at 5-6, and increasingly vulnerable as all the kids get smartphones and social media accounts. I kind of despair of whether he'll ever find any friends because he has no real idea of what to do.

So far I haven't found a SLT in our area who is even remotely interested in teaching social skills in a useful way.

How can I help my nice-but-babyish son find any friends?

Music school

I'm really surprised at the description of the music kids not being more adaptable, my daughter went at 9/10 and they seems had all neurodiversity represented, it was like she was quirky to have no diagnosis. And they would all have considered it dreadfully uncool to bully anyone and the groups were so small everyone rubbed along socially or life would have been dull.

Another thing I think you'll have to do is let him fail to an extent though, my niece sounds extremely similar and is now finding her feet at 13 but you can't really help them make friends I don't think.

He will find his own tribe soon enough. You might need to find your own SEN tribe too.

My boy is a tricky one also. He's quirky, chatty, impulsive, clever, etc (asd and ADHD here too).

His very best friend is ND as well and they are like absolute peas in a pod. It's so cute to see them stimming together - standing nose to nose and jumping up and down.

"The neurotypicals" are unlikely to be his tribe. Join some local SEN Facebook groups. Plenty of people homeschool their ASD kids

Isn't there a homeschooling group on Facebook in your area? Usually, there are lots of social meet ups and opportunities for the kids to make friends. Lots of the children will be ND.

I say this without trying to sound like I’m picking or finding fault but if people ‘don’t like him’ (adults included) in literally every situation in his life do you think maybe you’re looking for the negatives in things? I’m sure not every single family member, child at school, homeschool kid and music kid you’ve ever met is horrible to him? Why would they be? An idea would be to maybe try to find a really good play therapist who could sort of role play scenarios or ‘play things out’ with him?

additionally are there neurodivergent homeschool groups near you or even where you could travel to, most major cities have them. Another idea could be trying something like Cubs or finding a forest school for homeschoolers. Being out in nature is a massive leveller no one cares if you’re a grade 8 at violin when you’re climbing a tree or making a fire. It’s a great confidence builder too.

Have you much contact with local Autism charities, or any home school groups who are mainly kids with autism? While socialising widely is important, I think there might be benefit in finding the niche.
My DD struggled but now has a group of neuro diverse friends that I think could well be seen as very weird, and not traditionally social by wider society standards but it's so inclusive and accepting and just amazing, honestly.

One of my kids could only really get on with adults. No friends in primary but when he went to secondary he found people who worked for him. He still gets on best with adults but as he’s close to being an adult himself now, it’s not so “unusual”. It’s hard to observe but he coped well. You can’t really help someone finds friends other than keep giving them the opportunity.

I would try more music groups. Our son was into drama. One group that wrote their own plays gave him a non speaking part making animal noises sitting in the audience (we left before he had to do that!) Another welcomed him in, let him be him in the chorus and after a couple of shows, he auditioned for a part and got a lead role with hundreds of lines and two solo songs.

Hi OP

I have a very similar sounding DS who is also 8. He is at a specialist school where all pupils are ND, mostly AuDHD. The school treats social skills as another subject to be studied and learned at school, ie weekly one-on-one sessions with a member of pastoral care staff. They engage with other pupils, go to shops, the beach, care homes, etc learning how to interact. It’s not a panacea, but DS has 2 friends now. I would keep pushing for some kind of SLT and maybe ask a local ND school or charity for advice or recommendations?

I find DS is more “accepted” by other ND kids - you might want to join something like The A World to help him meet similarly quirky children. (We’ve just done this so I can’t comment on effectiveness yet!)

Good luck - your DS sounds awesome. X

Absolutely give Scouting a go. If he can follow what older children direct him to do, the Patrol leaders are likely to be 10 yr olds. It's also supervised by adults. At my son's troop there are a few ND boys ( he's in Scouts now ages 10-14.)

The a world is awesome x

I was thinking this too, join SEN groups and mix there. You just need one person to "click with"

I was the same as your son as a child, those "descriptions" from others was what I was given. That did damage me as I let their narrative override my truth on who I was.
Funnily enough I also loved music and that's what I studied later on in education.

Just challenge the narratives others are giving you/him and guide him to know his inherent value. Aim for SEN outing activities with other families, i found my best friends in the end didn't even have the same hobbies, just the same soul 😅
I find from my experience that when you don't have the usual social habits/ability, the whole mixing on interests doesn't really apply, it's all on the "click"

I know I'm obviously joining this thread from a different view point not having a child with SEN at that age. (In toddler years) but i hope hearing from someone who grew up through that time might be helpful?.

Cubs has been amazing for my ND 8yo DS, very inclusive, other ND children (& some leaders) there too

Yep, completely agree. Unfortunately our nearest one is 400km away and not a boarding school... and the closest after that is about 2500km away and also not a boarding school. I looked into the 400km-away one and they were all on for scholarships, then I asked about learning support and got "It sounds like your son would require a teacher aide, which we are not in a position to offer." And that was that.

Yes, but he hasn't gelled with the few the same age (they're very NT and very, very confident)

I think I've become hypersensitive to all the rejections over the years. Definitely not every person is horrible to him - a lot ignore him.

Does he want friends or is it something he feels he should have? Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do other than create situations where he can meet/get to know other kids like play dates etc. it doesn’t sound like the groups he’s inare very inclusive and same of family.

My ds is 9 he is in mainstream school, he doesn’t really want friends or like other kids. I’ve tried in the past but it’s not worked (either through him not engaging or other kids not making an effort)
I’ve made sure he gets fun activities with us and his siblings, he also has his cousins . But I don’t keep pushing for friendship because If he’s not bothered it’s his decision.

Thankyou for this thought. Unfortunately there is only mainstream or intellectual disability provision where we are - you only qualify for the ID school if you are likely to be achieving at Level 1 of the curriculum (=early KS1) by age 18. So I need to find a better SLT, which I haven't yet. (PS I like your username, in this house when asked to name a "minibeast" son has always said things like Anomalocaris or Hallucigenia :-)

Yes, he really does want friends. He reads books where kids have friends and always comments on how good it would be (mostly, he wants to be getting into scrapes like Petit Nicolas/ Molesworth). He watched Au Revoir les Enfants recently and cried because he so desperately wanted to be playing the piano together with someone, like Julien and Jean. But he also can't really identify when kids are being "friendly" i.e. baiting him or making fun of him. So it requires a certain amount of oversight.

it's very laissez-faire/ gung-ho here with very little adult oversight and way too many stories of dangerous stuff let get out of hand by "never did me any harm" adults (almost all men). And a culture of telling those interfering bitch mothers to get lost and stop nagging and worrying. I'd absolutely love to find a troop that resembled what I recognise as nice, sensible, suitably supervised and neuroaffirming scouts that our friends' kids attend in the UK!

that sounds great. I need to find something like that!

It sounds like you are in France, or a French speaking country? Perhaps some of the suggestions given won't translate to there. Certain I would say that at least half of the home education community here is because their kids are unable to fit the mould in mainstream. Are there any meet ups or groups for autistic children in your area?

Thankyou for that perspective. Son is getting more into singing - and I observe that the singing culture here (very male-dominated, unusually - a hangover from not-very-distant days of boys' treble sections in church choirs) is full of ND boys who seem to spend their weekends holed up with recordings of opera singers, rather than out playing rugby. So I hope he might find a few kids there.

I think you need to change your attitude of other people and identify the problem rationally. When you say that the majority of kids ignore him, does he go up to them and they ignore him? Or does he not know how to break into group that is already playing?

If he is emotionally at the age of 6 then you’d expect him to have no issue playing with younger kids. Prehaps there is something else going on that you or a play therapist can help him with via role play

Have you thought about moving to an area that offers more support for children like your DC? Mine is undiagnosed but shows clear traits of ADHD and ASD, and he has always been years ahead academically. He didn’t have any friends until Year 4, which was really tough for him and for us.

He’s now in Year 8 at a high-performing grammar school and is thriving. There are lots of boys like him there, and the environment really suits him. His best friends are neurotypical but both have neurodivergent siblings, so they completely accept and understand him. The school offers a wide range of subjects and loads of clubs, which has helped him settle in and find his people.