How to help 8yo AuDHD son make friends

[WantToLiveOnRakiura]

Son is 8, diagnosed ADHD and ASD, homeschooled, socially isolated and has no friends. How do I help him move forward socially?

He is highly socially motivated, very kind and friendly, but very immature: consistent with ADHD lag in executive function and social skills, and ASD lag in expressive language skills, he comes across as being about 6, and doesn't really know how to start up or hold a conversation, or start up and properly follow the rules of a playground game. If someone older is leading the conversation or game he can do it, but this obviously requires someone older being there and willing to help.

In a school context (ages 5-6) he was constantly baited and picked on, never played with. He also got on teachers'/ parents'/kids' nerves by being years ahead academically despite being very immature. Since starting homeschooling at 6, he hasn't gelled with the homeschool community - who have also either ignored him or picked on him for being different.

Family live overseas and are uninterested. Grandparents "feel sorry for" the cousins when they "have to entertain him", and don't even want to talk to him. Cousins are clearly encouraged to feel the same way.

Son has an all-consuming passion for music (plays 2 instruments at extremely high level, sings, composes, wins all the prizes at competitions, plays in organised chamber groups, 2 orchestras & church services, sings in choir, etc.) so I have tried a lot to help him make friends in musical contexts. He often says he would love to have a friend to play duets with - but music kids all seem to either ignore him, or detest him because he's both good at music and "different". Their parents make comments like "well, yes, he's good, but it's never going to go anywhere, given what he's like" and "nice he has something to keep him occupied since he'll never live on his own".

He's wanting to return to school for year 5 (Feb 2026) but he's going to be even further behind socially than he was at 5-6, and increasingly vulnerable as all the kids get smartphones and social media accounts. I kind of despair of whether he'll ever find any friends because he has no real idea of what to do.

So far I haven't found a SLT in our area who is even remotely interested in teaching social skills in a useful way.

How can I help my nice-but-babyish son find any friends?

Very often. I'd have moved to take son to the music school 400km away if they'd let him in. Unfortunately husband's job is here and he's having a great time and has no intention of moving. We are totally dependent on him (not a great scenario, I know, but what else can we do...)

A lot just walk around him as though he isn't there, e.g. at choir and orchestra. When he tries to join in their games at break time they move away. The (4-6 years older) kids sitting next to him in orchestra look away when he tries to say hello, and/ or ostentatiously hold conversations with the kids sitting behind/ in front so as to not talk to him, and have done since he joined at age 6. The kids close to his age are all girls and all seem to despise him (the popular one has a eugenicist mother...).

The older girls in choir openly have a competition to not have to sit near him every week in the Sunday service. They're perfectly willing to sit near other younger kids - all girls - and help those kids with their music - but not him. I see this because I'm sitting there in the choir and orchestra rehearsals watching, along with other parents.

He could definitely benefit from SLT or play therapist support on how to develop friendships with the younger kids at choir, some of whom are actually nice.

Yes most kids are nice but they aren’t always very understanding of difference. there are unwritten social rules that they will start to learn around the age of 2. It’s possible doesn’t grasp this - understandable because of ADHD and autism. And that’s why this is happening to him. But you need to accept yourself that most kids are just kids and offer him some support in negotiating these social situations. Social coaching, practicing through play, social stories. A good play therapist and maybe even OT support could help you both negotiate this.