Worried about 17 year old daughter and boyfriend. Advice needed.

[Hairisbad]

For over 6 months DD 17 has been seeing a boy 17 of Turkish descent.
He is normally friendly polite and his family are treating DD kindly.
But he has started to tell her not to wear bright colours or shorts.
We went to a family party on Saturday and he was stopping her from dancing.
I got her up to dance and he had the most awful look on his face.
They both attend the same college and today he's told her she was an embarrassment she came home crying.
I've just said that as it is her life she and only her decides what to wear and if she wants to dance that's fine.
I know that if I tell her to finish with him as he is showing controlling ideas it might push her to stay with him.
Help.

You’re right to be worried
have a chat - ask her how she feels when her boyfriend behaves like that
reinforce it isn’t right - that he shouldn’t be controlling her like that and it’s not appropriate behaviour
her tears should tell her everything - he felt comfortable at your family gathering to treat her like that! It will only escalate
That’s not love or healthy relationship
I would tell her to end it; block him on everything and you will be able to support her

I think I would definitely be telling her to wise up.

I’d remind your DD that he comes from a very different background from her. Ask her what she wants for herself in life - most girls brought up in western households in the UK would not be happy to put up with being told what to wear and whether or not they can dance. Will she be going to uni? That’s normally the point at which such a relationship would fizzle out, if it has lasted that long.

I would tell her that you’re worried about her because he sounds very controlling. You’re not overstepping and telling her she must break up with him, but she needs others to notice and see that this isn’t OK. You need to advocate for her and tell her exactly what you think.

I'd go with the 'asking her what she wants' from a boyfriend. Asking her how she feels about him telling her not to wear bright colours or shorts & not to dance etc.

id have holes in my tongue not to tell her to dump the controlling twat!! But best avoided!!

I'd have a talk with her, and maybe find some videos about coercive control/cultural expectations of men. I'd be very worried that he's already showing signs of this and she's doing what he says. And talk to the College about your concerns, they may able to offer support from their end too.

She can home crying.. I have a strong feeling she’s going to work this one out for herself. Of course you’re right to be worried.. that’s an understatement.

He's controlling and nasty. The fact that he is of Turkish descent is a red herring. I have Turkish friends and they don't behave like this at all. Even if it was a cultural thing, you don't try and change someone you're dating - he's free to end it if he doesn't like her wearing colours or shorts or dancing. But he hasn't - he wants to control and bully her. She needs to get away now. If he's like this at 17, I can't imagine how he's going to be as a 30-50yo for example.

It’s alarming that she hasn’t seen the red flags and dumped him. She’s too naive to be dating.

It’s very worrying that he’s trying to control her at a family event! How dare he tell her how to behave in front of her own family. I’d have a chat with her about how he upsets her. Relationships at this age should be fun. Ask her if she’s happy to be told what to wear and not be allowed to dance for the rest of her life. I’d also talk to her about controlling and coercive relationships. She’ll hopefully figure it out for herself but make sure that this boy doesn’t continue to harass her when she does dump him. He sounds quite scary. Speaking to the college is a good idea to make sure she knows she has someone to talk to if she needs to.

Out of interest, did you say anything to him when he was bullying her at your family event?

Sit her down, get her to brainstorm about what a perfect relationship would look like. Let her come to her own conclusions that her relationship doesn't look like that.

I would have a conversation of how it makes her feel when he makes those comments. It’s a vulnerable age and she will dig her heels in if you start slagging him off. Good luck - how horrible for you. 😔

It's hardly a red herring. I don't doubt that you know some lovely Turkish people but Turkish culture can still be quite misogynistic. OP has every right to bring up his cultural background because it's very relevant to his attitude towards women.

You need to have a chat about red flags, Signs of abusive behaviour and respecting her feelings.

My daughter was in a similar relationship though she was a bit older. Although the guy was very nice the red flags flying around, to do with his culture, were really shocking. He will try to control everything she does. He does not think she has equal rights to him. He will control her clothing, her friendships, any alcohol, and even her thoughts. She really needs to be told this.

I would also notify college so they can possibly support her too especially with recognising this is not a healthy relationship. He is controlling at 6 months in. It should be fun and exciting not worrying about what he might restrict next.

And if she is such an embarrassment why is he still with her? Surely he wouldn't want to be with a girl who dresses in bright colours, wears shorts and enjoys dancing. Ask her why do you think he stays? Because he enjoys putting her down.

Oh I feel for both of you op.

You and pps are right, this does need handling very carefully and telling her what to do won't be the way. I like the idea of discussing what a "perfect" relationship might look like to her.
If he behaved like that at a party with my family I'm confident someone would have asked him straight what he thinks his problem is though! Twat.

Good advice here. Normally I say don't interfere but here she absolutely needs support. I think you should focus on how his behaviour is unacceptable and not the cultural aspect, if there is one, because this could get her back up and become a race issue. Whether it's his background or not (Turkish people I know are not like this but it's a big country) the fact is they both live in UK by UK norms and this is considered coercive and controlling behaviour and is absolutely not ok. Am hoping for her sake she leaves him asap

Oh gosh OP I can’t help but hopefully she realises her worth and can end this soon.

Thank you for all your replies.
I'm taking it slowly in just chatting about a loving and equal relationship.
I don't want to go in hard as that might push her to be secretive.

Well it's kicked off this evening.
It seems there was a video of DD dancing with me on FB.
Boyfriends dad has called us both whores. Boyfriend told her that at college.
DD is crying and saying that she loves him and he's just being protective of her.
DH has banned him from our house.
I'm at a loss on what to do.

Oh no, that sounds worrying but I'm sure it will be resolved in a couple of days.
Stay firm but supportive, let her come to her own conclusions.
But help her along, maybe spell out what her future would look like if she stayed with him. She'll never be able to dance in public again. Ask her what exactly she means by protective and what that will mean for her. Talk about how men like that view women. Has she got any friends that you can get on side?

It is a red herring because sadly the number of domestic abuse cases in the UK are shocking, regardless of the ethnicity of the perpetrators. If the daughter leaves this relationship (which she absolutely should) and starts one with a white British man, he may well be controlling too. We have Andrew Tate and others to thank for this.