Life’s not going to be this tough again, is it?

[justgoandgetpizza]

With the obvious disclaimer that ill health or job losses or other awful things could happen, but they could happen any time.

DS is now four and a half; he starts school in September. DD is two next month and after sleeping well in the first six months of her life was then very unsettled until around eighteen months, when things slowly started to improve. She’s now sleeping through sometimes; other times she wakes once but is resettled very quickly.

Neither are waking horribly early which was DS’s little contribution for a year, when I got very used to the Daydreams sequence on CBeebies (for those who don’t know it’s a sensory sort of show that’s on 530-6.)

I am a school teacher; my older students have left and next year I’m dropping down to two days. I’ll go back up to three when both children are in school but right now life will be much more manageable with just two days.

I have been really lucky to have two lovely healthy children but the early years are tough and DS especially has been challenging at times. I’m sure there will be more challenges to come but I don’t think life will be as tough again.

Who knows. My life was a bit easier for a while until my oldest ended up in autstic burn out and is EBSA. I would not have predicted this 3 years ago.

Im afraid im not sure that’s true. The tween years were tough too. They needed to be lots of places they couldn’t get to, were extremely awkward and full of hormones. And you can’t just pick them up when they’re losing their shit. And if they’re not properly trained up by 12 to be useful beings in society you’ve missed the window and it’ll be very hard to
change.

Kids are tough. Always. Sorry!

You never now how life is as a family but working 2-3 days sounds a blish.

there is less of that physical exhaustion of endless nights, picking up toddler toys etc but nothing in parenting has been as hard for me as Y9-Y11 with my eldest. Small kids have small problems, big kids have big problems.

I really hope it does get better because I’m completely burnt out. I’ve got an almost 4 year old and a 19 month old. Sleep is actually fine on paper but we’re up by 5:30am almost every single morning. 6am is a lie in.

I’ve got quite a heavy job in law and it requires a lot of brain power. I’ve only been back from mat leave for a few months but so far I’ve used all my annual leave on single days here and there when the kids are at nursery and I’m at absolute breaking point with feeling so tired and overwhelmed.

Grandparents don’t live locally and don’t help much at all. I know they shouldn’t be expected to but it’s been difficult to come to terms with the fact that they can see their children running themselves into the ground and just stand idly by.

The only thing that gets me through is wishing the time away and looking forward to when the youngest is 3/4. That makes me sad but it is what it is.

So in summary, I sympathise and please can someone tell us it gets better!!

Hi OP

I found the early years incredibly challenging. It started to change when the DC were about 8 and 5. They're now 13 and 10 and there are few people in the world I would rather hang out with.

Hang on in there!

No one can know. I well recall the sleep deprivation and difficulties at work with the early years.

Think health of everyone in the household is a key factor.

For us the primary school years were good, except covid. No nuclear or wider family health or other big problems.

I have found teenager stuff (mainly mental health, also some teen social problems ) very hard, in parenting and emotional terms. It has affected my and DH’s sleep at times. Another surprise is that work and work/parenting/life balance difficulties haven’t abated, sadly!

I don’t understand your post. You don’t mention anything unusually hard having happened. Just normal sleep stuff with young kids, but with the added benefit of you only working 3 days, and also being a teacher, so having the holidays?

Nobody has a crystal ball, OP. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

Are you always this unsympathetic?
The OP(and many other parents of young children) are completely exhausted and probably burnt out. Just because it’s common doesn’t make it any less hard. She’s looking for some support. Try to be kinder maybe?

It's so personal I think! I've found it harder as they get older, but I'm also a single parent with a highly stressful job. The teenage years look awful in my view (not there yet!!)

@Horsefields there isn’t really a point to it, is why! I was just reflecting a bit.

I think pregnancy is tough and so is the whole period with children under 2. That’s not to say obviously that when they turn two something magical happens on their birthday but there’s a gradual shift I’ve noticed lately where things are still tough but not as tough.

So for me the last five years has been - pregnant and a newborn (in lockdown) then adjusting being back at work, then pregnant again with a toddler which I think we all know is exhausting! - then newborn again, adjusting as a family of four, then the baby and toddler stage and slowly, slowly, we’re coming through it.

@neverwakeasleepingbaby its so hard I hated those early mornings with DS.

there’s definitely no way to see into the future and I might look back at this post and smile ruefully but I’m in an optimistic mood so I’ll take it 😂

So far I agree with you, OP - DD is 15 and coming to the end of Year 10, so there’s still time for the teens to go really wrong, but compared with having a non-sleeping infant and working full-time it’s a breeze. The only thing now is that DH is older than I am and I’m beginning to worry about his health.

I dunno…. The sleep deprivation with both of mine as babies and toddlers was awful and I’m so glad that’s behind me. My 10yr old is a joy and I think (hope!) he has good foundations to get through the teenage years. My 6yr old is waiting ASC diagnosis and I just don’t know what that’s going to mean over the next few years. The intensity of it in terms of needing hands on care is less, but I have no idea how he will cope with school / friendships as he gets older… but he does sleep, once he’s asleep.. so that bit is easier! I’m incredibly lucky that I’ve been able to work short days but I’m now concerned about redundancy so who knows… it’s a rollercoaster..

We have similar ages but my dd started school last September. I’ve found the first year of school hard as now there’s two different pick ups (DS is in nursery), and the starting school is hard physically and emotionally for them. I feel like now we’re coming towards the end of the first year it’s getting easier, we’re settled into a routine and dd enjoys school and both DCs are getting that little bit older. What I’m saying is, I don’t think you’ve reached the peak hardness yet but there is an end and it’s not far off.

Hi op,

I think the early years are physically tough
and the teen years are emotionally tough!
And the late teen years and young adult years are financially tough!

But you are right in saying that, if everything carries on normally, and God forbid no one has any accidents or illnesses, then you are through the worst of it physically.

The teen and young adult years can involve late nights, chauffeuring dc around or picking them up, or taking them to universities and airports and festivals etc. And of course you are older then and have less energy.

Then follows the stress of weddings and flat deposits!

Then you start all over again with the gc.
😬

But very well done for getting through the first tranche which is the biggest change that you will ever undergo from being child-free to suddenly being responsible for other tiny people with minds of their own who don’t always conform to your expectations or do what you ask! Pace yourself because parenthood is a marathon not a sprint! 💐

I hope not for your sake. But I will be honest my experience is that juggling teenagers and elderly/ageing relatives has been horrendous and life got a whole lot more intense emotionally and practically in the past 3 years.

I love my kids and they are our priority but DH and I are both struggling to juggle successful mid-career senior roles, plus after school activities, social lives and the joys of hormones, plus the societal and familial expectations of what we "should" be doing for elderly and increasingly frail parents, plus peri-menopause. And we are not the only ones of our age and friendship group in this space...

Sorry I know that sounds awfully negative and there is a lot of joy in our lives still. But I get less sleep and more stress now than I ever had when they were tiddlers. But if you told me that 10 to 15 years ago I wouldn't have believed you while doing the night shift on nappy changes and zombie feeds!

My goodness this makes me very depressed. Is any of it worth it? Tell me it is. I’m so tired I can’t see that it is!

At that age, it’s really demanding. Barely any time for yourself. Sleep deprived. These things make it worse.
When you’re able to sleep and get some time to yourself, you’re more resourced to face challenges.
Personally, I’m finding things more difficult now with teens and looking after an elderly relative.
Reflecting back on part time work and young children seems like a blissful period in my life. But I’m obviously thinking back to my summers in the park and on beaches, movie nights and water fights in the garden.

I was a single mum, the dad abandoned us and juggling full time work as a nurse with raising DS was just so so hard. Luckily I was only 21 when I had him. So was full of the energy of youth at least and we grew up as best friends together. We still are, he's 42 and Im. 63 and we are very close and talk most days.
I was incredibly lucky, he was such a good child. Slept through the night from a very early age but with no dad we could sleep however we wanted so .mostly slept together. But I know sleeping is totally a matter of luck and just luck. But working and raising a child is gruelling.
I never regretted having him. He is my world.

Sorry op I don’t think my post helped!
But as @Thingamebobwotsitsaid, there’s lots of joy in our lives and we have a different kind of fun as a family. My kids are great but they still need support, guidance and nagging.
Its just the elderly relatives that we find exhausting and difficult to juggle.
Kids - 100% worth it.

@Thingamebobwotsit it sounds really hard. I think this is why I’ve just stepped right back career wise. I don’t plan or want to get any promotions or additional responsibilities; I’m happy just teaching and if I’m honest teaching as little as financially possible 😆

@Overthebow thats why I’ve dropped a day in anticipation of next year … I think nursery and school drop offs will be stressful but manageable twice a week; I don’t want to be doing them more than that and I’m hoping DH will be able to do at least one because he wfh on one day a week. Catching up now as thought I posted this before but I didn’t!

every age has it's challenges op

I recognise what @Thingamebobwotsit describes.

There are many, many good times, but for me it’s intense and often hard.

Not a teacher and know teaching is hard, but I’d be careful about stepping back at work TOO much, or stopping, being financially dependent with crap pension isn’t ideal.