Life’s not going to be this tough again, is it?

[justgoandgetpizza]

With the obvious disclaimer that ill health or job losses or other awful things could happen, but they could happen any time.

DS is now four and a half; he starts school in September. DD is two next month and after sleeping well in the first six months of her life was then very unsettled until around eighteen months, when things slowly started to improve. She’s now sleeping through sometimes; other times she wakes once but is resettled very quickly.

Neither are waking horribly early which was DS’s little contribution for a year, when I got very used to the Daydreams sequence on CBeebies (for those who don’t know it’s a sensory sort of show that’s on 530-6.)

I am a school teacher; my older students have left and next year I’m dropping down to two days. I’ll go back up to three when both children are in school but right now life will be much more manageable with just two days.

I have been really lucky to have two lovely healthy children but the early years are tough and DS especially has been challenging at times. I’m sure there will be more challenges to come but I don’t think life will be as tough again.

There's always a new phase of toughness, and a new stage where you feel so burnt out that you can't carry on.

The tween years of clubs and friends and lifts everywhere everyday killed me, then the hormones and exams stages had me crying.

One at uni and one leaving school now, and last night I was revising with one, who was then upset about exams and up late talking; then the other phoned me at 1am upset and panicking because she was unwell. (Then you spend hours analysing your parenting skills and wondering why you aren't doing better.)

I’ve seen this on MN over the years @Loopytiles but honestly how many of us aren’t financially dependent on someone in some way? Even if I was to work full time and in a position of responsibility I would t be able to afford our current standard of living without DH and the same is true the other way round … I can’t run myself into the ground because of a maybe.

Unfortunately life is a bitch.

As they get older and want to learn it becomes more interesting rather than easier. Perhaps that is the best way

once they can swim you can do lengths whilst they swim in the general area you don’t have to supervise them

they read more interesting books and you can have conversations that are fun

they play new music to you

so I think the selfish benefits increase - I found once you could sort out problems with conversation it did become easier - or it just felt easier more of - yes I know what we are doing with this
If that makes sense

You sound like a thoughtful parent.

There seems to be a correlation on this thread of those who are unable to empathise with others, and those that find the teen years difficult.

I found the first few years the kids started school the most stressful of my life. However, eldest had issues settling and is Autistic.

You’re right of course, OP, it’s a matter of choosing what risks to take/not to take, and balancing the short and longer term. BUT the financial/pension/housing risks are real. v few fathers do paid work PT or not at all. If the deal with PT/SAH overall was good, many more of them would do it.

Argh, helping with exam revision and stress definitely needs to go into room 101!

With the benefit of hindsight (I'm 56 with 4 kids - 2 at Uni, 2 teens) I would say it goes in patches. Some bits are worse than others. The main thing is to take care of you through it all, and get what you need to get you through.

Errmm.. Prepare yourself for the sheer relentless mental load of the high school years! Often accompanied by our own peri menopause and/or full blown menopause - a perfect storm 😱

Which posters are you talking about @neverwakeasleepingbaby ?

Do you mean to imply that those of us finding parenting teenagers difficult lack empathy? If so that’s unkind.

I empathise with OP. Sleep deprivation, drudgery, parenting small DC etc is hard. when mine were small and I was exhausted and mentioned this to a colleague with older DC, she said ‘it doesn’t get any easier, it’s just different’ and believing her but feeling upset / cross with her for saying it at that moment.

@neverwakeasleepingbaby do you know what, on the parenting stuff I have loved every phase. They are all different and challenging in their own ways. The issue is not my kids. It is all the other life stuff that gets in the way. I am currently going through a massive guilt ridden phase that I am being in too many directions and being expected to spread myself too thinly when all I want to do is concentrate on the teenagers. And the reality is they need you to be more mentally present as teenagers. When they are younger they pretty much just need their basic needs met. But everything is so much more emotional and "bigger" as they get older. Friendships are more intense, there is social media, greater expectations from school, they are learning about themselves etc etc. It is amazing and fascinating and I wish I could just focus on them right now. But people were more forgiving if I needed to flex my working hours, or couldn't step in to do the shopping for an elderly relative when my kids were young. Now I am just expected to be 100% available to everyone all of the time.

So not really anything to do with my kids, but yes life on the whole is harder right now. It too will pass though. And it will be ok.

Fair enough. I do think it is definitely unkind to tell someone who is asking for support and validation, and is mentally on the edge, that their situation won’t get easier.
Just say it will, even if it’s a lie to you. We need to hear it. We’re on the edge!!

Mine's an adult now and 0-3 were the hardest times by an absolute mile. I absolutely hated the demanding baby stage where they can't tell you what's wrong and miserable sleepless nights, potty training was pretty shit too. Anything after that was great and the teenage years were easy in comparison IME.

I worked part time through it though and that's also something that makes all the difference IMO. Being around a lot for them and not constantly stressed out and rushing around makes life a lot easier. Definitely no regrets on that point!

People are terribly doom and gloom. I saw someone on twitter honestly saying 21yo children took as much time as 1yos 😂😂

it does get much easier, for healthy children obv. There are milestones that make your life much simpler - when the youngest is totally potty trained including wiping and washing hands; when they walk to and from school on their own, if possible; when they can bring down their own washing and put stuff in the dishwasher; when they start sleeping in at weekends. Mine are teens or nearly and I have so much time I don’t know what to do with myself (disclaimer, we live in a city so they can walk to everything alone). Of course there are real emiotional problems at this age - school troubles, bullying perhaps - but you have more time, they go to bed at 10, and there’s no rushing to cook tea at 6. And no physical exhaustion. Plus they’re nice to talk to

My SIL has older dc and gave me the best piece of advice..”As they grow older, children don’t need you less, they need you different”.

My dc are now teenagers and so the hours I spent on bath and bed routines, early wakings, night feeds etc are long gone.

But now it’s all about the emotional energy of supporting them through friendship and relationship dramas. Not to mention big stuff like uni choices, helping them to manage exam stress etc etc.

For us the early years were indeed physically brutal at times. But the teenage years can be emotionally brutal too.

I agree with you. My 16 year old ds has always been an "easy" child, and we haven't had it too rough during his adolescence as regards to moods etc.. However it's all the other "stuff", the peer pressure, their social media, the exam pressures, friendships and fall outs, dating etc.. All while we try to maintain normal every day life crap as well. Like I said earlier it's the mental load of the teen years, just as exhausting as the physical load of parenting babies and toddlers.