Why do grandparents do this?

[LettingyougoMovingOn]

Constantly talk about their other grandchildren to the grandchildren who have come to visit.

This can include endless stories about the grandchild whose parents have decided to never see us (that one is very uncomfortable) or the grandchildren we're not related to so have never met (grandparents met late in life so too late to 'blend' families) , or the grandchildren we see regularly so get lots of news about..

I don't understand. Does everyone do this?
My dc tells them she's done well at school or met a friend. They reply that grandchild x,y or z has done better, different subject, also got a friend or totally unrelated story about grandchild b..

We all get on and it's a mild amusement and fascination ather than an annoying but why? Is it just both sets of ours?

My mother does this, except dd is the only grandchild 🤣

She constantly compares her with and just talks and talks about what my golden child sister was doing at her age, obviously FAR MORE ADVANCED IN ALL WAYS compared with dd 🙄🤦‍♀️ (sister now an unemployed crack addict so actually, fairly happy dd is not following in her hallowed footsteps!)

Thanks to the posters who shared stories. I literally said i was amused,/ fascinated not annoyed but thanks to the peak Mumsnet posters telling me not to get het up amd finding it weird that grandchildren hadn't been blended.

My Grandparents go on about when their own children were young in the 80's. The same stories all the time. I think they are trying to connect on the same level?

My DM does this not only about me /my sister but also (and especially about my niece. My kids can't ever achieve just one bloody thing without 'oh DN has just done this (completely unrelated) thing'. With me it's 'I've just been offered this new job' and 'well your sister is doing well too'. FFS. I've actually told my DM how annoying it has always been and she is sort of aware of it now. Her default is still to mention the other person though.

Same here. You should take them (my children) to the farm, beach. ‘Ours Love it!’.

Beyond belief really.

One set of my grandparents do this. I’ve brought the kids up to see them and she goes on and on about what her local great grandchild can do. Skateboards age 1, writes his name in icicles age 2. It is annoying!

My dads parents did this, it was me, my brother and my cousin, we were the oldest 3, then the golden child (my uncle) has his kids and everything was about them, don’t matter what we would talk about it would end up talking about them, thier mum was flaky and super super annoying,. More cousins came along but still everything was about them. I haven’t seen my grandparents since 2009 shortly before we moved from the area and they’ve never met dd12, and haven seen ds17 since back then. They send money to my dad every year for the dc. I saw golden child’s youngest a few years back at my dads wedding and from what I can make out she despises her brother because by the sounds of it he was the golden child with the parents too. I heard he lived at my grandparents house whilst attending uni, and apparently doesn’t really speak with his parents all too much. My GP have 6 great grandchildren and 1 on the way, and have I think only met 2, DS and golden childs youngest has a kid. The rest they’ve never met. They’ve only met my younger siblings about 3 times too.

My children are very close ( they fought like anything when they were children) and their own children are very close. Our grandchildren always ask if we have seen their cousins and what they were doing.

Thanks. And yes.

I'm aware that when I'm with either of my daughters, I tend to talk to them about the other one, and in positive terms of course, because I love them both. And it's only recently dawned on me that when I'm talking to them, the one I'm sharing with might think that me saying positive things about the other is some kind of subtle put down. In reality I'm just sharing positive news or appreciation, and do so about each of them. But of course they're not privy to the conversation when I'm being positive about them to their sister!

So I imagine that the same happens with grandkids. I only have one set of those, so I don't need to be wary of that at this point. But in most grandparents' case that's what I think is likely to be happening. It's sharing of news or progress, not 'look how much better they are than you/yours'.

Oh we get this - but about a cousins kids of a similar age. One minute how strange they are and how glad they are not to have weird grandkids, and the next how intelligent they are and all these stories about them being too clever for school/teaching their teachers. I’m not a fan of either narrative because it’s bloody mean and neither end of the spectrum is true, but it can’t just be a neutral mention. Same with BIL and his wife - there always seems to be a complaint about them/their dogs. Like you, we barely see any of these relatives, and I don’t think PIL realise that they’ve helped to drive more of a wedge between us all over the years with their views. And god knows what they say about us (in fact I can probably guess!)

But that relentless positive news and appreciation isn't a conversation or building emotional depth it's just relentless cheer leading.
Children also pick up the dishonesty in that approach.
So we may hear cousin William has been asked to play in the royal cricket team. He should be very good at it.
We witness him sulking when he is rubbish and lazy at beach cricket
We later hear that he's no longer playing cricket but he's been asked to do an Olympic gymnastics taster session which he will be apparently marvellous at. It's never anything simple or for the fun of it.

A more honest approach would be Cousin William is trying out cricket, he gets a chance to play at Eton. Hopefully he'll start to enjoy a team sport. But he's only 7, plenty more sports to try for such a livewire.

We are always keen to hear what siblings and cousins are up to and it is important but the whole spun to the max news is grating. Imagine you sing in the choir cos you love it but hear about the cousin who is only mentioned when picked for solos.

The reason, in my mother’s case, is that she genuinely has zero interest in my kids. Zero.
It’s like they belong to someone else and are strangers to her.
They stopped seeing her years ago because of it.

She lives alone so I would take her grocery shopping weekly.
Christmas, Easter, birthdays of her other grandchildren meant a shopping trolley piled high with presents, Easter eggs, pink plastic crap (other gc are girls, mine are boys) and not a single thing for either of mine.

If I visited she would not ask a single thing about them, but I would know all about other gc plus the neighbours 3 doors down having new fencing, the cat from over the road shitting You n her garden and all her ailments but never did she ask a single thing or show any interest in my children.

Ive not seen her in months. No messages, no phone calls asking if I’m ok, where I am nothing.
She genuinely does not give a shiny shite.

I get that and I'm not remotely relentless!

If a grandparent IS being relentless and only ever talking about the other grandkids, non-stop, I think you should address it. Along the lines of "mum/mil, you have done nothing but talk about Tommy today, but you haven't asked a single thing about our children, or shown any interest in their news. That makes me really sad and I'm wondering what's behind your lack of interest in Jenny and Joe"

Helping them bond with their cousins.

Well, I’m a granny to 5 and I never really talk about them to anyone. Got better things to talk about.

To be fair, some parents bang on about their little darlings non stop, and bore everyone.🤷‍♀️

I think it's because your average 60+yo /70+yo doesn't know how to talk interestingly to a child, so they pounce with whatever they do know relating to young people. Which is their other grandchildren. My PIL and DF have never done this as they take interest in each of their grandchildren independently and separately. My DM does it occasionally when she can't be bothered to make an effort.

When DS1 was about 4 weeks I burst into tears because my mum just wouldn't stop going on about how amazing my nephew, who was 9 months older, was. I remember saying 'mum, my baby is RIGHT HERE'. I feel a bit embarrassed about it now - there was definitely some post partum hormones at play - but it did stop her doing it! I do think she had her own sort of Precious First Grandchild thing going on about my nephew, and I suspect she still does a little bit but she now hides it better!

This really isn’t as outrageous as you seem to think it is.

Yes, our GPs always talked about the other GC and I look back and realise they were just sharing information. At the time it did sometimes feel like boasts about them but found out we were talked about in the same affectionate and proud way. Just, as someone said, a conduit of information to keep up to date. Loved them all and miss them. Xxx

I was the less-valued grandchild in such a situation and always felt unwelcome and distant.

My inlaws used to constantly refer to our nephew who lives in New Zealand who they used to see about once every couple of years.

Every time we went to visit them (which was regularly as we live 5 minutes away) our girls would say that they had done something and the conversation would be turned to the nephew and how he had done it bigger and better.

Over the years this has stopped but they have little to no relationship with our girls, who if they chose to they could see on a regular basis as the girls always knew that the long distance grandchild was the preferred one. They now havent seen him for 5 years.

I think it’s a way of trying to connect, bring people together and form relationships. Lots of stuff I know about my cousins I only know through my grandparents (when they were here) I probably feel closer to my cousins than I actually am because of it.

If they are speaking nicely about them…I’d say it is nice. Just compare notes and add to it if no secrets.

Yeah, we had this too. Baffling. Sometimes it felt like they were talking about the other grandchildren as if they were there actual grandchildren and our kids were just family friends...
My kids stopped telling MIL things like going up a swimming badge, as it would be 'oh well done' immediately followed by a 20 minute monologue about her not being able to swim (again) and every swimming badge anyone else she vaguely knew had ever got...and her views on swimming in general and why it was important.
I have even noticed my brother doing it - he has no children - but will compare my kids to his friends kids, at length. This is after he has asked after them - not me rambling on abou them. I don't know these people he is talking about!

My MIL is mostly lovely but will always go on about how “the children” are doing - ie not my children but the favoured grandchildren who belong to one of DH’s brothers. As if they are the central children in her mind. Has a house full of pictures of them and barely any of ours.