Any tips or advice for being a stay at home mum/ trad wife as they call it

[householddog]

I’m currently on maternity leave with a 9 month old my husband is self employed in a very demanding job. We have agreed that I will be a stay at home mum indefinitely to make life easier. my husband won’t be able to do school drop and pick ups maybe occasionally but not on a routine his job has him working too much late nights and early mornings. It does mean he can some flexibility with coming to sports days etc but he is a workaholic and loves to earn money. he’s very hands on when home but isn’t home a lot but does make sure we spend family time with us on the weekends. My job pre baby was stressful and flaring up my chronic illness and we can afford for me not to work with I’m very thankful for. I want to make sure I’m protected if things go wrong. Currently i have my own savings and own my own property which is due to be sold but the money will be left to me to keep in my own account and do with as I wish. Everything I spend is on the joint account and then I earn some small passive income which I use to save or spend on some frivolous things for myself. The house we own together I put half the deposit down on and that is in in our prenup to go back to me the prenup we have is mainly for my savings and property as most of this was gifted to me from grandparents. We’ve also arranged for him to go to nursery one day a week as off July and we already have a cleaner Who comes every other week. I love being a stay at home mum but want to be cautious I don’t get bogged down and resent my husband we have family near by but they don’t help out. I’m not here trying to gloat I know I’m in a fortunate position and very lucky I’m just trying to make sure I’m protected and can manage while chronicling I’ll to be a stay at home mum and wife. When he starts school I would obviously reconsider what’s best for me and our family but I can’t see it changing much.

I écho thé pension! Amd get some sound financial advice from a divorce solicitor. I thought prenups were not binding in the uk?

I became a SAHM un happily after my Sen child couldn’t be found a school place. The respect for me dropped distinctly, I was just a mother. Not just from my partner but from society in general. Then. You notice you never get time off, kids and housework and life admin is on you now so he steps back even on family holidays everything was left to me. He got sick I had to bring him tea and fuss or he sulked, if I got sick he had to work so I just had to deal with it. Complete inequality. The sulking too was new and only came about after the respect for me diminished, if all I was were home help (which is so ridiculously easy a simpleton could do it while simultaneously being too arduous for a working man). He used to hang a wash or clean his shit stain off the toilet but those skills seemed to disappear once he could get away with calling it my job.

there were also lots of comments about his earning the money. I owned a property I rented out so wasn’t penniless but I felt so uncomfortable buying myself clothes or a coffee with friends I stopped doing these things. He never asked me how much things cost before and yet once I wasn’t working I was asked how much things cost despite paying for it myself.

im now a single SAHM. Much better off financially as I get decent maintenance and don’t have to fight for UC as have a high need disabled child. I’m definitely happier but I’m still going silently mad that this is all I am and all people see me as. I have a great degree, was always working and in demand, good social life. It’s all gone.

i will always be thankful I never sold my property!! When we split even had all the assets and money gone into the pot and half Ed I could NEVER have gotten a mortgage without a job. As it happened I just moved back into my house and as I already had the mortgage from before we got together and never sold it I managed to keep my home. Had I sold it and put it into savings or into a joint house deposit I would have had too much savings for universal credit and no home, and not enough to buy a home without a mortgage. DO NOT SELL YOUR PROPERTY. Unless you will get enough in a divorce to buy outright without a mortgage.

my experience has been different because I absolutely did not want to be a SAHM. Maybe if it’s your choice it’s much more enjoyable. But you need to clarify now how much time off you get to socialise with your friends without your kids. Clarify if you are sick and say too sick to care for kids he needs to consider how this can be managed. Clarify you will have access to money and a vague idea of a budget for YOU not housekeeping for food and kids clothes etc. Vague being key- you don’t want to be monitored and criticised if not exactly on budget nor do you want to be stressing about it. You also want it to go up in line with his disposable income as he earns more into the future. You must discuss housework and childcare for weekends and holidays.

your car and petrol and your phone are family expenses not to come out of your disposable income unless he is taking those things out of his too. Don’t fall for the argument he needs his car and phone for work whereas you don’t make money with yours and could walk or stay home. You need car and phone to parent which is now your full time job not a luxury.

and stop using phrases like “hands on” and “helps”. It’s parenting. No man is amazing for doing this they are just decent humans for doing this. If he’s getting his ego stroked with such phrases I believe that was the start of the downfall of my relationship so nip that in the bud now.

FML indeed. People below 30 need to stop rotting their brains on Tik Tok if they can’t discern between similar, but entirely distinct things.

And the difference between tradwife and SAHP:

https://www.parents.com/tradwife-meaning-and-why-its-controversial-8656603

Don't forget that your husband needs to be able to look after the kids too.
If you ever get sick or die he needs to know what to do

Lots of people do use that phrase for stay at home mums.

They aren't the same thing though?

That's your opinion. Vocabulary is always changing......it's the new SAHM.

Except it isn't

Stay at home single mum here to 2 DC and zero support, if they are not at school they are with me. Of course I love them more than life itself but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't get hard, exhausting, draining and honestly a bit boring on occasion.

I see you're looking to do a course starting Sept which is great, make sure you carve out time for yourself so you don't lose sight of yourself as person and become solely a wife/mum. My kids are great, very entertaining, great company and my house is full of laughter but I can go days without speaking face to face with another adult beyond pleasantries at the corner shop for example. I appreciate you have a DH so not quite the same situation but adult conversation is so important for your sanity so make sure you keep up/make new friendships and protect your time with them at least once/twice a month without the DC.

Most of the younger generation (below 30 anyway) will have no fucking clue what you are on about. Vocabulary and terminology evolves. FML

Plenty of young people understand what a tradwife is & how it differs from a SAHP

You can challenge it all you like if you want to be pompous and self righteous. You're not anyones boss FFS!!!

Calm down mate! 😆

3/4 thread is arguing😂
You people are ridiculous.

Op, prenups mean not much in UK.
As pps mention, pension!

My husband has the baby every weekend for half the day while I go to exercise class get a coffee and browse the shops after. So he does know how to look after him and has done while I was hospitalised. Everything I buy comes out of joint money I never have to buy anything myself with my money but I do as I do earn some money and like to occasionally treat myself to something frivolous that I want and don’t need anymore off. he buys his hobby stuff and games out of his money so although I don’t have to do the same I like to. He’s very good at telling me to get what I want for me or the baby and has never questioned what I spend. He also gets given the odd voucher from clients and the last one he gave to me to get myself something nice with refused to spend it himself even though he needed some shoes. Sorry if hands on wasn’t the right word when he’s home he takes over the baby when he’s back in time he does bed and bath while I relax will clear up dinner and the kitchen after while I have a shower or bath. He’s a very wonderful husband and is always doing his best for me and our baby He always puts us first.

Didn’t want to give out to much info but the house was also in a trust so he can’t have anything to do with it as he’s not a trustee even in divorce

Trad wife is ideological. If you both want that, discuss it in detail. Decide what the priority is, cleaning up? Cooking? Kids? Looking after dh? Keeping up your appearance? What happens if you have a daughter? What are your views on equality etc… I have no issue with people choosing to be tradwives as long as they don’t force it on anyone else including their own kids.

As a SAHP, my “job” while DH is at work is to have kids and I both alive end of day. Next is things like good nutrition (big value for me) engaged parenting etc etc. The weird one with us is that looking after dh (a few meals a week and conversation a few days a week) has ended up higher on our family value list than a clean house. I also have chronic illness so can’t do it all.

Another thing you really need to consider is what the plan is when you get sick - either an illness flare up or the million colds flus and covid you will get. It is hell. DH gets to call in sick or wfh. I get to care for kids and house.

Making friends and keeping up old friends matters massively. If you can, try to add in some part time work (or if your passive income is from something you can engage in build on that).

For money it sounds like spending is fair, make sure saving is fair too.

It ain't evolved that far. The trad wife movement is all about surrendering to the husband's authority and having a quiverful of kids 🤨.

You sound like you are in a fortunate position OP. I hope it works out well.

My mum stopped working when I was still a kid. It was a different time with no working from home those days. My mum loved my dad being out of the house all week. It all hit hard when my dad retired. My mum suddenly went from feeling free to being stuck. She never cultivated relationships this whole time. She had no say in finances either because she didn’t work and my dad made all the decisions.

I never wanted to be in the position myself and I know I am the black sheep in my family because I personally don’t agree to a man being the sole money-maker or decision-maker.

I tried to enjoy being on paid leave, in my first year with DC. I couldn’t do it long-term I returned to work earlier than planned. I am a career woman and also like being a mum but I’m not cut out for stay at home parenting. I think be careful not to get caught in a routine or rut that is boring.

I think planning for super and retirement may seem a long way off but if cost of living is like it is now, I can’t even imagine what the future will be like. I would also seek professional financial advice for such a huge decision (to not work at a younger age).

Jesus Christ, people on here are so fucking tiresome. Professionally offended. So boring!

OP, my advice is:
Pay your NI

Get DH to open a savings acc in your name only (he should be up for that if he’s a reasonable and kind man who understands the massive contribution you’re making to the family)

Enjoy your child

Keep some interests for yourself

If you hate it, remember there are other options

View yourself as a stay at home mother, not a housewife - ie your focus is the kids 😁

Any childcare and housework outside of DH’s work hours should be split 50:50.

I was a SAHM for 9 years, absolutely loved it and so pleased I got to do that ❤️

Is hard and lonely at first. I didn’t have anyone. My mother worked so I was pretty much myself. I’m not going to lie but the first is really hard especially if you breastfeed. But I hav to say that after that I kept myself very busy and it was awesome. I was able to give my kids experiences that wouldn’t have happened if I went back to and then you’ll make friends along the way with nursery school and in general. Do I think I should have gone back to work when they hit high school, I wish I had and had opportunities but by the. I was to committed to being there for my kids. Looking back, I should’ve have gone back just for my mental health and I’m not saying I had any of that but I think I would’ve been better off.

A trad wife is different to a SAHM. A trad wife submits to her husbands headship of the family. It works well for some people, but is different from a ‘normal’ SAHM

No, trad wives are not SAHMs, though they do stay at home.

There's a difference, namely that along with the tradwife label goes a submissive relationship with the husband, dozens of children, and a lot of time spent doing all kinds of traditional housewife skills - cooking, baking, keeping chickens, knitting, cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. Children tend to be home schooled.

SAHMs are obv not the same.

You need to be sure your H pays NI contributions for you and that you have your own pension fund.

Why is your property to be sold?

What happens when your child goes to school full time? I'd consider at least a part time job at that point if I were you.

Whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated from your own friends - family time at the weekend is all right and mighty fine, but you need actual time off, and it's good for the child/ren to be in the care of their dad, doing things his own way, and filly responsible for parenting. Make sure there's Me Time.

Agree with all of that.
I was a SAHM for even longer.

Ended up divorcing but that's neither here nor there.

This is a brilliant post. Wish some one had spelled it out like this when I was young.

All the stuff about money and NI and all the practical advice you’ve had on here I won’t repeat. Assuming that you DON’T want to be a trad wife (sorry, but this won’t apply if you do!)make sure that you- and more importantly your partner- makes it clear to the children that you and he have different but equally important roles in family life. My DP was always very careful to thank me,to make it clear he valued what I did, to do his share of household stuff (inevitably less than mine), to make sure I got time off, to know what was going on in the house, to be as clear as he could be about when he would be home, and to do his share of weekend stuff without needing to be reminded. Our children saw a partnership in action- but that didn’t just happen-we thought about it and planned it. I can’t emphasize how important that is. Particularly, perhaps,for boys.

What others wrote. I’d add - I loved mat leave and thought I’d gladly continue forever. Then one mum friend after another went back to work until, 4 days a week, it was just me and baby DD. I was quickly lonely, bored and frustrated.

Make sure (it sounds like you are) that there is always an option, work wise. Something you can step (back) into and expand, whether for your sanity or £ need.

Hi OP, congratulations on your baby. I wasn’t a SAHP but worked 2 days a week (and still do). I loved having that time at home with my children and I never knew how domesticated I was! For me, routine was the key. I attended certain baby and toddler classes each week (a great way to meet people) and did certain housework ok certain days etc. I tried to get out of the house each day as well and lots of walks with the pram.

Just on the house, I’d really recommend you get some financial advice from a financial advisor. Having an investment property is amazing and with the recent stamp duty increases it would be very costly to buy another now! They may suggest ways to bring your costs down like remortgage etc. I have two investment properties and they will supplement our pension when we retire. If you don’t plan on doing anything with the money, perhaps give it a little more thought.

I couldn't read the wall of text....