Any tips or advice for being a stay at home mum/ trad wife as they call it

[householddog]

I’m currently on maternity leave with a 9 month old my husband is self employed in a very demanding job. We have agreed that I will be a stay at home mum indefinitely to make life easier. my husband won’t be able to do school drop and pick ups maybe occasionally but not on a routine his job has him working too much late nights and early mornings. It does mean he can some flexibility with coming to sports days etc but he is a workaholic and loves to earn money. he’s very hands on when home but isn’t home a lot but does make sure we spend family time with us on the weekends. My job pre baby was stressful and flaring up my chronic illness and we can afford for me not to work with I’m very thankful for. I want to make sure I’m protected if things go wrong. Currently i have my own savings and own my own property which is due to be sold but the money will be left to me to keep in my own account and do with as I wish. Everything I spend is on the joint account and then I earn some small passive income which I use to save or spend on some frivolous things for myself. The house we own together I put half the deposit down on and that is in in our prenup to go back to me the prenup we have is mainly for my savings and property as most of this was gifted to me from grandparents. We’ve also arranged for him to go to nursery one day a week as off July and we already have a cleaner Who comes every other week. I love being a stay at home mum but want to be cautious I don’t get bogged down and resent my husband we have family near by but they don’t help out. I’m not here trying to gloat I know I’m in a fortunate position and very lucky I’m just trying to make sure I’m protected and can manage while chronicling I’ll to be a stay at home mum and wife. When he starts school I would obviously reconsider what’s best for me and our family but I can’t see it changing much.

When I was a sahp, I found it was best to have a routine, so I went to a couple of different mum and baby classes each week, had a day for meeting with friends etc, and did certain household jobs in each day. I planned to keep the weekends free. I also tried to get out every day, even if were a walk around the block.

Make sure you have some mum friends, it can be very isolating if you're a social person.

Please don’t do that. He’ll slowly lose respect for you. I work with very successful men and most of them have high flying wives. Soon you’ll start noticing the difference, the lack of respect. I would simply put your son in nursery 3-4 days a week and keep your career. Thank me in 10 years

It’s already a shared asset

Actually I think there's every need. It's a shame more people don't.

You can challenge it all you like if you want to be pompous and self righteous. You're not anyones boss FFS!!!

Selling a property and having cash in an account ‘to do what you like with’ sounds like a great way to accidentally spend a huge amount of money.

That’s your nest egg. Invest it. Why are you selling the property?

I would think about what it is you do want to do rather than this career you wish to stop. I wouldn’t plan to be a sahm for long. I did and I now look back and wish I’d gone back to work sooner than I actually did for many reasons.

Then they should educate themselves.

This, jesus christ!!

My mum was a 'housewife' during periods of our childhood. She was proud to be so, bringing up the kids and running the home was what she did at those times.

How dreadful thats now seen as some sort of terrible description.

You’ve missed the point - no-one minds the term “housewife”. It just isn’t the same as “tradwife”.

The property was loosing me money the money will be put into another property an isa or invest but for now it’s into an account until I’ve decided what to do with it(spoken to my dad he’s very good at saving and investing money) It’s not enough to buy something outright unless it needs work.

Trad wives are all about submitting to your husband and isn’t necessarily about being a mum. Being a sahm can still be an equal partnership or as in my case when my dc were small, i managed all the money!

It is for many people who use it as the description for housewife and stay at home mum, thats the point you're missing.

Origins of language, words, phrases are very interesting, I like it, its a hobby of mine to some degree but people use phraseology differently to how it was designed. See Karen/Gay for a start

You can 'mind' it all you like but things evolve. OP posted for advice and she used terminology some people didnt like, instead of answering her query most of the thread is about this nonsense.

He needs to put money into a pension for you. Do you have an existing pension?

Ensure you get the NI ‘stamp’ (in old money 😂) for Child Benefit even if you don’t claim any money.

No-one needs to be a boss to point out when two very different things are being wrongly equated.

I'm sorry if anyone's led you to believe you mustn't speak up unless you are someone's actual boss.

I imagine it makes life quite tricky for you?

It’s only appeared as a term in the last three years or so - it’s an influencer phenomenon from the US! And the connotations definitely are the right wing Christian homesteading stuff — that’s where it’s come from. It’s the reworked “surrendered wife” movement of twenty years ago meets JD Vance.

Are you sure your friends aren’t just using it as a funny ironic term? If I was going to be a SAHM for a few years I might make a few jokes about being a “tradwife”, but it definitely isn’t a genuine (or remotely flattering) description in this country! Housewife is miles better tbh, but SAHP is a perfectly fine descriptive (and gender neutral) term.

SAHM and Tradwife are two different things OP. Tradwives choose to be subservient to their husbands, and allow the men to control what the family does, how money is spent, children are schooled, how the home is kept etc.

My advice would be:

Ensure you have a joint bank account and equal access to money coming in, with pension and NI contributions kept up to date and access to savings.

Ensure your husband is 100% on board with the idea that caring for a home and children is a full time job and in no way makes you a second class citizen in the marriage who should defer to him.

Ensure he doesn't think money coming in is 'his' because he earns it, if you have mutually agreed that you'd prefer to have one parent stay home and raise the family than have two incomes and spend one on paying outsiders to raise your children and clean your home.

Ensure he knows exactly how much it would cost to pay someone else to do what you have agreed to do, and that he values your input financially as well as for the wellbeing of your family.

Ensure he understands that raising children and managing the home may be a full time job but that doesn't mean it is 24/7. If he gets a couple of evenings off a week to see friends/go to the gym/ weekends away to watch the rugby etc, you get the exact equivalent and he must be a highly skilled parent, equally capable of managing home and kids in your absence, and not see this as a favour to you.

And do keep an awareness of developments in any industry you have worked in and may want to return to. In a few years, when DC are at school, you may want to return part time or work freelance, so don't cut yourself off entirely.

If you don't claim child benefit, make sure you register for this as it will pay your NI contributions https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-insurance-credits-for-parents-and-carers-cf411a

Well perhaps these under 30s you mention need to educate themselves, then hopefully they won't set other women back 60 years.

Not always, there are a few mums like that minus the MAGA bit!

A trad wife acknowledges her husband to be head of the household, and is subservient to him, and cooks and cleans and cares for him in all ways. Her husband does not have any household duties at all. A SAHP looks after children. Anything else she might do is negotiable.

Yes this is my understanding too.

Yes. Not a positive thing imo. My DH, thankfully, feels the same.

“Rather awkwardly for the British tradwives – who like to suggest their movement is just about dressing in Cath Kidston and letting their husband choose where they are going on holiday – in the US and elsewhere it is very much part of the “alt-right” movement. It is especially popular among white supremacists, who are extremely down with the message that white women should submit to their husband and focus on making as many white babies as possible.”
from the Guardian on tradwives:
www.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/jan/27/tradwives-new-trend-submissive-women-dark-heart-history

And the NY Times on “tradwife” as a term which emerged from the US Alt Right communities (archive link for non-paywall):
https://archive.ph/cbHkc