AIBU....7 year old going to public toilet on their own?

[Eggybreadwithnuts]

Was out with family for a meal in a busy pub and one member let her 7 year old son go to the men's toilet on their own. He was gone for ages.

It made me feel uncomfortable. What if he was assulted, got in harm etc. I just thought he was to young to go alone into the mens toilets. I get if he didnt want to go in female toilets with his mum but there were plenty of other males in the family group who would have gone.

Am I being unreasonable?

Turns out he had then gone to the outside play area.

The stats will probably show that going to stay at a house with a familiar male (i.e. an uncle type figure) is a waaaaaaay higher risk than popping into a toilet for a couple of minutes.whike your parents are in the vicinity.

I think in these scenarios there's definitely an argument for mixed gender changing rooms and bathrooms as well as having the option of single sex for those with that preference. Particularly for single mothers of male children who are likely to need extra support at older ages.

Child abuse is more likely to occur within the family, but how does that impact this question? stranger attacks are rarer than familial abuse but they still happen! Why put a 7 year old at risk of danger. Also saying "if not 7, when" - well what about 12 like the nspcc advises. Theres a big difference between 7 and 12. Same idea with "it didn't happen to me in my carefree childhood in the 70s" Lucky you that you have never been victim of an opportunistic peado. They don't all go for long attacks either it can be a flash, a comment, a quick inappropriate action they think they can get away with.

12 really? Are you the parent of a 12yo boy? I cannot imagine either of my sons (and one has LD) being wiling to come into the women’s loos with me at 11yo.

And there is no way an 11yo girl should be coming out of a cubicle in the loos to be greeted by her 11yo male classmate.

wrt “at risk of danger” well your 7yo is actually put at risk on a daily basis anyway. We assess risks and deem them ok. Risk of attack when in restaurant loo for 1 min - very small, in fact tiny, thus acceptable.

The issue is really us the child mature enough to sort himself out in the loos and come back. If not then that’s a learning point, as here.

The signs on the public loos in Morrisons say that from the age of 8, children should not in the opposite sex toilets. So boys couldn't go into the ladies with you. If you don't have a convenient male friend or relative to take them, that's them directed to go into the mens by themselves from 8yo.

Clary I think you've misunderstood. The question was should a 7 year old be left to go from their table in a pub to the toilets alone when there were family members of the same sex who could accompany them. Not would you take a 12 year old boy into the women's loos. I wouldn't take a 12 year old boy into the toilets no. Depending on the place, if I was alone, I'd probably take primary age boys so 7 to 11 into the women's or have a quick glance in the men's before they went in. The question is about 7 year old boys being sent off to public loos alone.

Well but you said “if not 7, when? How about 12 as the NSPCC advises?” - what did you mean by that? I took that to mean 12 was the age when you thought it was ok for a boy to use the men’s loos on his own? If not, what did it mean?

ETA sorry I see you would take an 11 yo into the women’s loos! Well that’s what I asked (I said 11 not 12) and I don’t think its ok at all tbh.

My daughter is 7 and goes to the toilets on her own unless we’re somewhere really busy. I actually think it’s really important for them to have these tiny little seeds of independence before they start working up to doing more and more as they get older. In a few years time she’ll be walking to school on her own and it’s important that she has some confidence in her ability to handle things alone- and also knows that I trust her to do so too.

It’s the not coming straight back that’s the issue, not the going to the loo if you’re in a family pub.

Clary you're focusing on my opinion of the upper age limit on this while for me this is about 7 year olds as per the op. I didn't say it would be a definite taking the 11 year old boy to the women's every time. If I was driving late at night and had to use a service station loos I'd maybe take an 11 year old in with me. If it was a family pub, no.

Seeds of independence for me at 7 would be walking short distances alone with adult watching, going into shops to buy things. Leaving 7 year old boys to go off to public loos alone is generally a no for me for reasons stated. For girls I'd be thinking that potentially dealing with piss and worse on seats or no paper is grim enough as an adult. I'd rather walk them there to see the state of the loos.

Fair enough @dessyh - ppl will focus on the upper limit tho. You don’t say if you have an 11yo ds but again, no way would either of mine have used the women’s loos with me at that age, service station at night or no. We’ll have to disagree on this one.

Yes Clary everyone has different lines in the sand. I don't really understand why people will focus on the upper limit when the op is about 7 year olds. I don't like the underlying implication sometimes that somehow 7 and 11 year olds are the same, this if not now, when mentality as though ages don't matter. Yes as they get older they aren't going to be keen on going into opposite gender loos but it's a case by case thing as and when that happens. Like if there's a long corridor down to a male loos in a late night services and I see people around I don't like the look of I'd ask the primary age kid to come quickly into the nearest female loo and make it like a favour to help with holding bags or something and if it's a hard no, so be it. V different to sending 7 year olds boys off alone. Chances are they will be absolutely fine but also they sometimes aren't. Here's just two examples from the top search results:

www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/crime/man-arrested-after-someone-tried-to-pull-down-trousers-of-boy-8-in-princes-mead-shopping-centre-toilets-in-farnborough-hampshire-3777146

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3vw3nq91wqo.amp

@dessyh yes of course I am aware of cases where terrible things have happened. We all have to assess risk.

Of course 7yos and 11yos are not the same. I imagine a number of people would feel uneasy about a 7yo using the correct sex toilets but very few would feel the same concerns about an 11yo. I hope so anyway.

I think people usually focus on the, to them, outlying figure. So for me, the 7yo in the situation described is fine, except they were not well enough briefed to know to come straight back as @CurlewKate says.

If someone says 7 is too young, in fact in some cases 11 is too young, that's the thing I would naturally pick up on. Of course you assess on a case-by-case basis at times. 7yo at school - obvs fine. 7yo walking 10 mins away rom you to a toilet block in a shopping centre - maybe not fine. 11yo fine in that scenario for me tho. After all my DC at 11 were going into town on their own! I hope that explains why I queried your suggestion of waiting until a child was 12. Which you did post, tho maybe you would have wanted to amplify to say 'in certain situations'. I think it's incredibly important that we promote independence in a sensible way for our DC.

In a pub or restaurant is very different from toilets in a shopping centre or station, I would suggest.

The kid sitting on a tablet browsing on the Internet, or sitting next to a male relative is at more risk, yet plenty would not bat an eyelid at that.

Yes Clary, agree with promoting independence in a sensible way. Just those ways for me at the younger age don't involve public loos alone. As I say it's my line and as I did say it depends on the place for older primary kids. Maybe it will pay a therapist's wage in the future but I don't really remember public toilet visits from my childhood but do remember walking to friends houses, parks etc so go with my gut.

I won't let my 7 year old niece go into public toilets on her own not worth the risk in my opinion

I think it’s fine for a 7 year old to go to the toilet by themselves if they can be trusted to go there and back, in this case the child can’t be trusted.

Yes it’s fine and should be encouraged in suitable locations. You can worry and watch the door. But send them in anyway and let them build up their confidence. Equally parents need to learn to start letting go. There’s always a risk and always will be.
Going in with a 12 yo is laughable.