AIBU....7 year old going to public toilet on their own?

[Eggybreadwithnuts]

Was out with family for a meal in a busy pub and one member let her 7 year old son go to the men's toilet on their own. He was gone for ages.

It made me feel uncomfortable. What if he was assulted, got in harm etc. I just thought he was to young to go alone into the mens toilets. I get if he didnt want to go in female toilets with his mum but there were plenty of other males in the family group who would have gone.

Am I being unreasonable?

Turns out he had then gone to the outside play area.

I used to worry about this when my DSs were this sort of age. I would of got one of the male members of the party to go in with them, especially if it was a busy pub. A soft play or somewhere child friendly they’d of been fine by themselves. Some boy was assaulted in a public toilet near us at the time so it always crossed my mind.

Exactly. In some ways the risk is lower now, because in the 70s, abuse was not spoken about whereas now it is high on most parents’ radar. The internet is what vastly increases the risk of abuse now imo, not independent toileting.

Mine have gone to the loo alone from 6ish, depending on the situation and the child. Like pps have said though, the fact this child didn’t come straight back shows he isn’t perhaps mature enough to manage this yet.

I never ever let my children or their friends go to the toilet in a public place alone. They always have to go in twos. Too many children are attacked doing this. I may be paranoid but used to be a criminal defence solicitor and have been involved in some awful cases.

Would you never let your child cross a road because you heard of someone being runover? Because the risk of bring runover is a lot higher than a stranger attack in a busy pub. A child is at most risk of bring groomed/abused by someone you know

But you wouldn't let them run across the road without looking...you take steps to mitigate the risk. Hold their hand, cross with them, talk about when it's safe to cross. So likewise when they need to go to the loo in a public place, you can mitigate the risk by walking with them, waiting outside the door

Exactly this!

You really think a child could use 'coping strategies' when being threatened/molested by an adult male.
They would likely be frozen with fear at that age and completely incapable of stopping anyone from harming them if the force and manipulation was there.

My DC’s at 7 have gone to the toilet independently girls & boys. However it is also dependent on the place, restaurants fine, public loos in a city, nope. There’s risks with everything & it’s impossible to police every potential risk.

As @Comedycook says, there were plenty of pervs in the 1970s. However this didn’t stop parents from allowing their children to have some basic freedom and take on some responsibility for their own safety and wellbeing. I’m not one to harp on about the past being so much better, in fact I think most things have improved. But I think this aspect of parenting has seriously undermined the resilience, confidence and mental health of children and younger adults.

At that age I would tend to go and wait near the toilet. DS wanted to go in on his own from about 5-6 but I would keep an eye out.

@dizzydizzydizzyhow on earth can you expect a 7 year old to have a coping strategy for being sexually assaulted?! What a ridiculous thing to say. I, as an adult, don't even have a coping strategy in place for that!

Young boys have been raped by strangers in public toilets. In terms of independence, watching them go to the ice cream van alone or something is a bigger deal at that age. I don't think it's significant at 7 to go to the loo area with a parent who takes a glance around. You're not in the cubicle with them. No one's on the therapists chair for that as an adult. If they need a poo and there's piss all over the seat I wouldn't trust them to deal with that anyway.

It would be so rare for an opportunistic paedo to be around but they have done because it's often a quiet unsupervised place where they're more expected to have their penis out. Parks, shopping centres, train stations and such are obviously more risky than pubs. I wouldn't put lone children in that situation. I think people forget how outrageous and opportunistic bad men can be. Think of flashers etc.

there were plenty of other males in the family group who would have gone.

It's a balance to find as statistically he's likely in more danger from one of the males in the family group...

At 7 it would depend on the place if I'd let mine go. His parent was obviously comfortable with it.

There would have been consequences for the going outside without a word though. That's needing clamped down on hard.

My 7 year old went to the toilets at the leisure center today by himself. I did think about it for a split second tbh but I decided he’s old enough and I was on my own so no one to go in with him. I would have no problem opening the door and calling for him if he wasn’t out waiting for me by the time I was done myself.

My DC, 1DD & 2DS, were always accompanied to a public toilet until they were quite a bit older than seven.
I once caught sight of a fairground worker, a guy in his twenties, eyeing up my young son who was probably seven or eight at the time, in a predatory way that I have never forgotten.
When my DS were too old to come in the public toilet with me, and if DH wasn't around to go in with them, I would wait right outside the door so as to be able to hear if there was anything going wrong.
Everything is fine, until it isn't, and I wasn't about to take that chance.

Completely agree with this. I was 7 in the '70s and we went the toilet on our own (in a pub or social club situation) then back to our parents table, without thinking that some random pervert was hanging about in the toilets ready to pounce. These days, with consciousness about these things far higher (I suspect the number of potential offenders has not changed, but if it has, I think it would be lower), the risk is even lower with all using the toilet vigilant to the risks. Whereas I understand the need to minimise risk to young people, at what cost ? At what age ? You could be having a similar conversation about a child aged 8, 9, 12, etc. I think the parents could have been more "on it" about letting him go, and then clocking him coming out to go and play, fair enough, but the loos in a busy pub are not really the danger zone, it is the fact that the parents are not really parenting in any active way, I think.

@dizzydizzydizzyyou think 7 year olds need coping strategies for being assaulted? Wow

And I’m saying why is it more dangerous now than then?

It really depends on the place and the child.

My youngest is 7 and in some places I will let him go on his own without waiting outside the door, some places I'll wait outside the door and some places I'll still take him in with me. Whenever he goes without me I always tell him to come straight back and he does, if I found out he went somewhere else without telling me he would have been in trouble.

My boy and girl are 13 and 11 and I still hover near the main entrance when they're using a public loo.

Another alternative if you are going home after swimming is to get one of those towel robes and wear that home. We started that once my son couldn't come in the woman's change room with me and it made the whole swimming exercise much less annoying - he just gets straight in the shower at home.

I can see how this works if you're straight out into the car to drive home, but we have a 20 minute walk home from the swimming pool along a busy road so I'm not sure my DC would feel comfortable walking home in a towel robe.

You can get watches with personal alarms on them. I keep one in my bag and give it to my DS when he goes alone into situations I'm not entirely comfortable with. He knows to press it if he feels uncomfortable. He hasn't needed to yet, nor has he set it off accidentally either, but it doesn't matter if he disturbs people around him (as I've told him), his safety absolutely comes first.

So he was fine then. Yes he should have said where he was going to go.

It’s OK for sure for a 7yo to go to the loo on their own in the scenario you describe – tho maybe that child needed to know to come straight back.

No way Ds2 especially would have gone into the women's loos with me at 7yo. And if you are in a pub or cafe there will only be the people who are in the pub. All good. I was fine with this.

I see you quote the NSPCC guidelines @Eggybreadwithnuts those are ridiculous and dangerous. I won’t support the NSPCC because of them. Makes me so angry.

Wow people who say they never ever would allow this – at what age then? There was a 10yo boy in the women's changing rooms at my pool last weekend. And when I queried it, another parent said "Oh I would never allow mine to use the men’s at 10" well when then???

I always hovered outside so if they took too long I could do something. Can’t believe people on mn go so mad over men in women’s spaces but think a seven year old child is fine to be in the toilet of a pub alone