Best Parent App to monitor DD’s iPhone

[SaveAndEarnMoreMoney]

Background:
Unfortunately we had an incident, DD (11) was accosted by a paedofile on Roblox. It’s with the police now, and even my police officer said that they weren’t aware of the endless and sick ways paedofiles can groom children on Roblox.
DD is no longer on Roblox.
I only found out about the events through instinct and checking her messages confirmed my fears. They took the chat off Roblox and that’s how I was able to find it, in her deleted messages.
She is vulnerable - suspected ADHD like me. We have been talking about private parts, what’s under the underpants is ours, nobody should touch/ask to be touched/talk about things like that, we talk openly about dangers at home (more me than DH…) and it became apparent from timelines that I was even talking to her about the online dangers and paedofiles as and when she was talking to him!
Clearly just talking to her was not enough (she really doesn’t want to discuss the happenings anymore and thankfully they never met, it was some horrific messages that no 11 year old - or her mother - should have to see and some phone calls where only she talked - he told her what he wanted her to talk about!) 😰😖😩😭
I feel heartbroken, and feel like it’s my fault, I never wanted her to have a phone and DD often cried all the way home (30 minute drive) after school for months last year that all her class mates have a phone but her! I said she could have a dumb phone but she was totally against that and DH said we will set up the phone together to make sure it safe but he never helped me. I set up the iPhone safety thing with my iPhone (screen time settings) but it’s not enough!
I wanted to ask what App do you ladies use, to monitor your child’s iPhone? Something that monitors text messages as well as all content.
There seem to be a few Apps on the market but they all seem short of what they should provide, to protect our children?
We paid for Kidlocks and it’s absolutely useless as you can see. We had that on her iPad for 2 years, since she had it, and she only got her phone at Christmas.
Thank you so much! Sorry about the long background, I’m still traumatised and worried for my DD.

I'm sorry that happened to your DD.

Qustodio is a good one, you can pay for the premium version which can basically lock the entire phone down, monitor messages and apps etc. I'd also turn on 'approve to buy' within the iphone settings themselves- this way you have to approve any apps she wants to download.

Approve what kids buy with Ask to Buy - Apple Support
Qustodio Premium | Qustodio

Thank you! 🙏🏼
Yes, I have to approve any App she downloads, any contact she adds etc. That’s all set up. She still managed to outwit me and get this monster’s number added as she told me it was the number of one of her female classmates! Of course if I had a way to monitor her SMSs then I’d have been able to stop it from going on! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyone else had good experience with any Apps please?

No apps but we checked messages at least once a week in the beginning. It's not just about who they talk to but also the content.

We had to deal with a massive fall-out in Y8 when a throw-away comment from one teen in a WhatsApp group was taken the wrong way and it escalated to basically bullying and DD was caught in the middle between two girls.

We queried her on the people who followed her on Insta, the agreement was that she would only allow people she knows in person.

No phones in her room after dinner to avoid any midnight messaging.

Thank you!
I do check messages too and she’s aware of that. That’s why she deleted them diligently every day. Some days they exchanged 200 messages with this sick individual!
I only found them by accident in the ‘deleted messages’ folder as she didn’t realise thankfully that they don’t just disappear straight away!

She always had limited screen time and her phone doesn’t allow messages after 7:30pm to anyone but me and my husband (her Dad). No phone in the bedroom overnight.

She got Roblox on the basis that she’ll only chat with people she knows IRL. But we didn’t realise that they can chat within experiences and the police said these paedofiles they set up worlds in Roblox and invite children there, to play. Not only they groom the children but on Roblox they can also live out all their sick fantasies! Parents don’t care or don’t seem to be aware of this! I tried telling a few mums I know and they think their child is only playing with their friends on there! They don’t want to know the dangers lurking on Roblox!

I’m sorry to hear your DD had that experience on WhatsApp! It seems to happen so often! I hope she and the other girls are OK! 💕

I’m so sorry, you must be devastated. I honestly think you should just remove the phone. She can cry all she likes but she would cope. Especially because you can’t really have a conversation about what has happened, she’s too young to manage even that, let alone what she’s seen. Your instincts not to get the phone were correct - it’s just hard holding firm on a decision like that. Many parents are resisting the phone thing now, even those who have given one and regretted it. Look at smartphonefreechildhood.com.

Hi, thank you for replying!
I signed up to that website a few months ago, thank you! 🙏🏼 They are really good!
It’s so bloomin’ hard, once you gave the phone, its so difficult to remove it! 😭
From next September she’s going to be in Year 7, walking to school without me (I’m going to miss the school runs so much!) and DH thinks she’ll need a phone to let us know she is safe or if there’s a problem. A dumb phone would be ‘so embarrassing!’ 🙈 This is why I just want the best parent App so I can make sure she is safe! 🙏🏼💞🙏🏼

It’s not difficult to remove, you’re the parent and you pay for it. She’s shown she can’t be trusted therefore remove. I get she’s been groomed but she’s lied and deleted messages so I’d say knew it was wrong. Most high schools now have a no phone policy, not seen or heard so a brick wouldn’t be that embarrassing
Family link is good

I get it’s really hard, but a child feeling a bit embarrassed, and/or angry with you, is so much better than whatever she has been coerced to do or say. Like you said, despite you speaking about these issues, this happened. She’s not emotionally ready for a smart phone. I bet she would actually be relieved deep down, if you removed the choice for her. She’ll be terrified by what’s happened I imagine, poor love. Poor you, it’s such a hard time we live in.

Her school has a no phone policy too but they get the phone back on the way out and literally everyone is on their stupid phones!

We didn’t think it’s a good idea to remove the phone entirely because she needs to learn to use it in a healthy way and we just make it more attractive to her if it’s taken away from her and with so many parents having old phones, the last thing we want is some friend’s family taking ‘pity on her’, give her a second hand phone and you can get a PAYE SIM for what, £5? I don’t want to push her into a corner.

Isn’t family link for Android only?

Thanks!

I agree in theory but she would not be happy about not having her phone.
On Monday she had her phone in her pocket while we fed oats to wild birds on a lake. The phone fell into the water and had to go into rice to dry out for 24 hours. She was devastated about it.
I agree that she’s not mature enough to have it but DH and DD disagree and I can’t see me being able to take it off her without her being upset about it every day! That’s why I want to put on the best App available, to make sure that she’s safe!
She no longer has Roblox, never had any kind of social media, no YouTube, no TikTok, no chat apps, only SMS, STAR (kids chat App that’s safe) and some games.

A dumb phone did cause issues in our house so we swapped for a smartphone.
Also, DD needed a bus app, google maps to be more independent bit by bit.

I would be hard, if she deletes messages then she just can't be trusted. So she has to earn the trust, being devestated or not.

She can have the dumb phone for the rest of the school year going back and forth and at home she can use apps on a tablet, no messaging.

If she is not able to be away from her phone now, it will only get worse.

In my experience kids always find a way to circumvent the monitoring/control apps. I tried several and my kids were savvier than I was. I’d say at 11 she doesn’t need a smart phone. Give her a brick phone until she’s 14.

Or a Gabb phone, which has no social media or games functionality

I’m sorry @SaveAndEarnMoreMoney she needs to have the phone removed and a dumb phone..it’s that simple she’s lied and deleted dangerous messages.

Shes shown she can’t be trusted and from what I can tell from your posts there have been very limited consequences for the action of deleting the messages. Devastation isn’t a reason for them to keep a phone, your the parent…

Sadly a tech savvy child can get around most of the parental features offered even on paid apps

I had a similar situation with my DD when she was 12, Roblox is absolutely rife with it. I use Qustodio and pay for increased functionality. I can monitor calls and texts, block any function on the phone and shut it down remotely. It doesn’t work for checking in app messages eg Roblox, tik tok etc but I simply don’t allow those.

With my DD I removed her phone for 8 weeks with a clear understanding that if she moaned it complained or asked for it back I’d add on another week (she started with a 4 week ban which got extended for complaining/throwing a tantrum).

When she got it back it was locked down - limited internet search, no social media, no ability to call or messages numbers that I didn’t approve and all messages mirrored to my phone. She could basically play music, some limited games and contact family members. It also had tight time limits and she could earn more time by doing non-phone related stuff. I also check her phone at random times - in a hand it over now way so she can’t go and delete stuff. She has slowly earned my trust back and is much better at dealing with things, she’ll let me know if anything out of the ordinary pops up but it’s taken time.

One thing I’d say is that when it’s happened once it’s more likely to happen again - I don’t know if there are algorithms or something that drive these people towards phones have responded to stuff but it wasn’t a one and done situation with my DD. Hence the complete removal of the phone, a factory reset and as near bomb proof net nanny as possible.

And we talk about what happened, all of the feelings she had, what made her not tell anyone, what she thinks about it now. It’s awkward and embarrassing for all involved but it’s important to really explore it with her.

I have found Parent Shield and am considering it for my daughter

parentshield.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22298576110&gbraid=0AAAAAC33fGwKnZmVw23FRBOjq90q1pmIr&gclid=CjwKCAjw6NrBBhB6EiwAvnT_rnDXsShD2XbX05BGzJEK_3qCzdYZy-vqAqLNXltPVhqRaGivPt7EYRoCDIEQAvD_BwE

I agree that she’s not mature enough to have it but DH and DD disagree and I can’t see me being able to take it off her without her being upset about it every day

With respect, your DD doesn’t have a say in this one.

You may find that she’s really wanting to try and establish contact again. These guys are very, very good at drawing kids in, making them feel special and important, which keeps kids on the hook. I honestly think if she has her phone back in a few weeks you’ll be dealing with the same thing, because your daughter is vulnerable and that combined with hormones, curiosity about sex and relationships, lax online behaviour means she’s easy prey.

She blocked him and deleted him on Roblox and blocked him on her phone weeks before I even found out about the whole thing. I only found out because I found the deleted messages. She couldn’t remove the contact from her mobile because adding or removing contact requires my pass code.
She feels bad about the whole thing and she knows that a crime has been committed, that it’s not her fault as she is a child but she is not allowed to talk to strangers. She knows it’s a police matter and that it’s serious.
Literally none of the children in her school or none of her friends have a brick phone. My aim is to make her smart to hone as dumb as possible.
I’ve had plenty of opinions here as to what I should do with her phone, but only 1 parent App suggestion, which is the whole reason for my post.
Please could people recommend good parent Apps as Kidlox is clearly not up to the job. Thank you 🙏🏼

The thing is this is a different situation than a child doing something accidentally. She’s clever enough to hide things and knew something wasn’t right so went through all that effort. I’d take the phone away for the lying no question. For months. Get her a watch so she can get in touch or a dumb phone or whatever but she’s proven to be too sneaky to trust with this level of responsibility for a while. Any of the apps have gaps and any reasonably motivated child will find them.

I had my daughter’s phone locked down. Couldn’t find my phone one evening when we had loads of people round and turned out her friend had taken my phone, gone in and changed my daughter’s settings. My daughter had no idea this was an option but her friend is a more creative thinker apparently. Had a massive chat with her about that and worked out a way forward with lots and lots of very clear expectations.

All this happened a month ago. The police and social workers all say she should not be punished for it and we should carry on with everything as normal. Taking her phone away would be a massive punishment for her. She’s going to keep her phone. She’s going to be getting 121 help from a case worker soon, they just called me and we are very close to the top of the waiting list.
What I asked for is recommendations for parent Apps to monitor her phone. Can you help with that please?

Unfortunately I’ve never heard of anything being foolproof from any of my kids’ friends parents - any example had some way around it or a quirk that meant there was a gap somewhere. Think your best bet is to take it each evening and look through everything yourself. Anything else will have a loophole.

and of course no Roblox, Fortnite, Snapchat, TikTok etc but I think you already said you’d deleted the problematic apps. My daughter just has texting and WhatsApp and I looked through them regularly when she was your daughter’s age.

im glad your daughter is getting support - from you and the other people. Must have been so terrifying for you both.

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot!
Yes, Roblox has been deleted and she doesn’t have any of the other Apps you mentioned either. She knew before she even had a phone that she won’t be allowed to have WhatsApp, TikTok and FB for years and no to Snapchat.
I just wanted an App to monitor text messages, I think Qustidio does that, just to flag up anything inappropriate.
It’s a hard time to be a parent and a scary world with all this online stuff! It’s unprecedented too, we are the first generation having to deal with this. I don’t envy kids! There seem to be so many dangers in this world 😰😖

I 'think' it will monitor texts but not whatsapp and not pictures? or maybe that's another one. Definitely worth a try of course but you'll still want to double check.

@PurpleThistle7 you’re right Quistodio can monitor calls and texts but not “in app” messages so things like WhatsApp, Facebook messenger or direct messages in games, tik tok etc aren’t monitored. I’ve found most apps and games have some kind of private message or inbox function so need some kind of in person checking or simply not installed. It will tell you how long someone has spent on each app, and all internet searches, which can give a clue about messaging so you know where to look.