I know it’s not about balloons

[DaveUsername]

So whenever close family and friends get married or have a baby, I have decorated their houses/filled their fridges or given meal vouchers or sent helium balloons etc. It’s something I enjoy. But when we came home with our baby, I didn’t expect anything but I was sad that we didn’t even get a visitor with a balloon. I ended up buying our baby some helium balloons as I was sad they didn’t have any. Friends/family said they would help, a few visited but expected drinks etc. I just wanted one person to make us food/bring us food or make us a drink. I feel we are totally on our own despite being surrounded by people.

The birth was difficult and we were in hospital with a sick baby for a week then couldn’t have visitors with children/allow people to hold him on medical advice, so no one came to see us. We had some lovely cards and gifts sent by older relatives. I just wanted friends to come buy.

I know it’s just me that likes doing things and I won’t going forward be putting the effort in, and I know I shouldn’t be sad about balloon,s I think it’s just feeling alone and unloved and it’s just us now. Baby is just beautiful though and asleep on my lap.

Flowers would be better, balloons are terrible for the environment.

I’d say it’s rare to find someone who is as thoughtful and generous as you sound OP. Don’t see your lack of gifts and gestures as meaning you’re less deserving or loved, it’s likely that most people aren’t as generous and giving as you, don’t have the time, money and/or inclination. If you enjoy doing things like that for other people then that’s enough, but if you’re doing things like that with the expectation it’ll be reciprocated then you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Congratulations on your baby. Treat yourself to some lovely things.

I know, flowers would have been equally nice. Last one was paper declarations if that helps. But yes that was the point of my post. I should have kept crying rather than help my mood. I will send myself flowers again. HTH.

Thank you @ShillyShallySherbet I really..y enjoy it and don’t do it to reciprocate. I think it just hit me not a single person was there it felt like, I know everyone is busy. I like giving things and presents and cards and a lot of te time it’s home made so low cost. I will direct my devoting and home made gifts to my child. I know they’re not shit as people request them as that would be my thought to if someone said homemade 😂

Op, your baby doesn't care if it has any balloons, truly. What's important is that your baby had a difficult start and is still a little fragile, so people are staying away for the babies sake. Once you tell them they can come visit and hold the baby I'm sure they'll be around

Congratulations 🥳 🎈

I would feel like you do, but there was a thread on here recently where the vast, vast majority of people felt it was very very rude to visit someone at all within the first few weeks of them giving birth, so it’s possible people are just biding their time? The other suggestion on that thread was that protocol should be for the new mum should specifically invite people, and tell them what to bring (with anything else people brought being an unwelcome burden).

You would have thought people could at least send flowers though.

I understand where you’re coming from, I’m someone that puts a lot of effort in, and it’s upsetting when people don’t return the favour - like you I never give to receive, but just some acknowledgment of your new arrival would go such a long way. Try not to take it personally, it really does reflect more on them then you.

You’ve answered it yourself.

’It’s something I enjoy doing.’

I wouldn’t enjoy doing that at all and it seems like your family and friends don’t like doing it either.

Have you asked people over to visit, and they’ve said no? Or are you expecting them to turn up or ask to visit?
visitors after birth is so divisive and some people hate the idea of it! Maybe people are waiting to be invited?

I would have hated it if someone had put balloons in my house, filled the fridge etc. I get it’s coming from kindness, but I’d want to tidy up and would think you were making me make more effort… plus I’d fret about being given food that we couldn’t eat.

Congrats on getting home! You just had a sick baby in the hospital though. When ours was discharged (several week NICU stay) we were explicitly told no candles, no flowers, no to anything that could cause breathing issues. Likely people just are busy and forgot, but also maybe they didn't want to do something as you had a sick baby and didn't know what was ok.

From Google: Flowers can trigger allergies, release substances that may irritate a baby's sensitive respiratory system, and present choking hazards

It's generally advised to avoid burning scented candles around newborns due to potential health concerns for the baby's developing respiratory system. Scented candles can release chemicals and particulate matter into the air that can irritate airways and potentially exacerbate conditions like asthma. While a mild scent may be okay, strong or toxic smells can bother a baby's sensitive sense of smell.

Me too! It makes me feel smothered.

And dh mutters under his breath whenever he sees helium balloons about what a waste of helium which is needed for more important things.

We're all different in what we appreciate, and we tend to do what we like rather than necessarily what others want.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, so I’m really sorry to be that person, but pleeeease stop buying helium balloons. Ordinary balloons are bad enough for the environment, but helium gas is a finite resource - once it’s gone it’s gone, and one of its most important uses is for helping high-dependency premi babies and people in ICU to breathe, so it shouldn’t be wasted on stuff like this.

But to your point, OP, it sounds like there are a number of things at play here. One is that your ‘love language’ (if you believe in that!) is gift giving, so you set much greater store by it than many other people. Their lack of balloons etc isn’t a lack of love, it’s just they show their love in other ways.

And not everyone enjoys, or is good at, that celebration decorating thing. You sound great at it, so maybe others don’t think they can live up to your standards so are hesitant to try.

Lastly, you’ve had a traumatic time with your LO and have been advised not to see people for safety’s sake, so your friends and family are probably waiting on your cue to tell them when they can come and how you want to play it. Tell them what you need and I’m sure they’ll be there for you.

Newborn hormones can play havoc with your sense of proportion and make you feel very raw and over-sensitive, so try not to take this too hard. The important thing is you have your beautiful baby, home with you and healthy, and a whole houseful of balloons and flowers won’t make that fact any more amazing or special 💐

Everything was always arranged and vetted by partners/what they wanted/didn’t even down to where they wanted the decorations putting etc. I’m not some random that lets myself into someone house. And leaving bread/milk etc seems divisive. But I understand about the stopping helium balloons.

Did you have a baby shower? Maybe people thought that their gifts there were enough.

Do you think this may be because it's harder to make that effort once you have kids? So pre kids you had the time and energy to do things like decorations and filling fridges. By the time you have your baby, your friends are already parents and don't have the energy or time to do it.

I was the last of my siblings to have kids and did a lot of babysitting/made a lot of effort with my nieces and nephews. When mine came along my siblings were knee deep in parenting and didn't have the capacity to do the same really.

Yep me too. I would hate anyone poking about my house. I am a grown adult and can tidy my own house and purchase my own food.
A card for a new baby is more than enough!

Why were you sad that your baby didn’t have any balloons?

They couldn’t care less.

Congratulations.

It sounds to me like you were unable to have visitors at the beginning which is when people normally come. I personally wouldn’t dream of buying balloons due to the environmental impacts, but it does sound like your friends could have done more. Perhaps after you necessarily saying no visitors at the beginning they were put off

This is blunt but it's also true.

I am unapologetically crap at organising gestures like this. With a full time job, three kids, other commitments...helium balloons do not make my radar. I think of them as a daft scrap of landfill anyway. I'm not arsed to get one or send one.

YOU enjoy doing it. A lot of people just see it as another obligation on their list...and one that can slide to the bottom. Sorry if that's harsh.

I wonder if friends are holding back as you've obviously had a tough time.
In MN world there's often a view of stay away from new mums. They might have the same view.
Have you asked them to pop over?

I hope you and baby are doing well.

You have to recognise that although you enjoy doing this for others, the majorly of people would find it an expensive chore, even thought it’s lovely. It is not a measure of how much your family and friends love you.

I think baby websites and magazines have got a lot to answer for in setting new mums up to expect to be waited on in the early days. For most generations of new mothers, offering a drink for visitors is the normal polite thing to do, but somehow you’ve ended up feeling sad that people aren’t coming into your house and feeding you or making drinks. You should never have been led to expect this in the first place. You have a husband to do those things. He hasn’t just given birth.

New babies make you terribly sensitive. My mum always said it was like losing your skin, no barrier between you and every hurt. I think it’s part of heightening your senses to keep your baby safe. It feels very oddly vulnerable though and as though all your support friends and family are gone. They haven’t. They are the same lovely mess of kind and thoughtless, helpful and hard-work as they have ever been. It’s you who has changed. And of course you have, you’ve made a person, and now that person is yours to keep safe and love. Everything has changed. Give yourself time to adjust. Look for the good not what is lacking. Gathering your friends and family around your new family and knit them into something good. You might always be the balloon girl in the group. That’s ok. Bring what you are good at.

Congratulations

Yes, exactly. They're keeping out of your way for your sake! DS also had a difficult start and I had an infected CS scar and wasn't able to breastfeed, and I didn't see anyone at all for a full three weeks.

I agree with you, but I do think the attitudes towards new mothers need to change now that it's changed from staying in hospital for a week post birth to kicking you out ASAP.

I'd only want people around immediately after birth that knew where the kettle was themselves.