40 odd and wanting some new friends

[BoredTrish83]

Hey
I'm hoping I'm not the only one thinking or going thro this too.
I'm 41 married got 2 kids 16 and 19 and a few health conditions anyway that's not my issue..
I have family around only a couple but that's not enough I'm a people person and would like some new friends to message not always to meet but someone to keep my head from exploding
I had childhood friends but then relocated so that fizzled out ,had friendships with kids friends mum that fizzled out
Now I'm finding most people are restarting over or just nothing in common.
Anyways if you would like to chat or whatever please comment or message
Enjoy your evening whatever your doing x

Join a choir, a netball team, a running club, an amateur dramatics society, volunteer for a charity...

Hi @BoredTrish83 👋

I significantly reduced friends through Covid - for the better! But now, dc growing up (mine are 13 yo twins and a17yo - all girls) and some friendships have just drifted. One in particular was such a part of my life but found another friend and it’s like she can only have one main friend at a time. I feel like I’m entering a next stage of life.

@TeenLifeMumi don't know about you but I'm cautious too with friends the amount of people who has shat on us is unreal you just feel like why do you bother 🤔

Hey I’m the same, don’t really trust anyone anymore. People seem to be one way now - their way! Ha ha! I have recently joined a choir and although haven’t made friends, I have chatted and it’s a great outlet that I would def recommend. I hope that helps.

Well done for going to the choir x
Don't think I have the singing voice for it lol x
I just miss having a good old natter and a moan x

Just lip sync 😂😂 you do t need to have the best voice…have a taster session and see how you get on. Look up rock choir, they are everywhere. I am so happy I had the confidence to try it. Have o my done 4 sessions so far but really feel settled there.

Lip sync love it lol 😆 I'll have a look i don't think there would be many where I live x

I'm a people person and would like some new friends to message not always to meet but someone to keep my head from exploding

I just miss having a good old natter and a moan x

There's your issue, OP. It's the same as about 90% of the people who post on here about having no friends or feeling lonely, or wanting to make friends and not being sure how. You have very firm ideas about what role you want friends to play in your life (you don't want them to want to meet you often, but you want them to reply to your messages, keep your head 'from exploding' and to be there to 'natter and moan' at), but you say nothing about what you would be bringing to these new friendships. What are you like? What do you like doing? What role would you play in their lives? If someone was looking for a new friend like you, where would they find you? What would they be attracted to in you?

Other people aren't some undifferentiated mass who are prepared to listen to you moan via message.

I really don't think this is what the OP is getting at at all. It's just shorthand to say we all need connections. The OPs post doesn't suggest 'very firm' ideas at all.

She doesn't need to produce a list of what she brings to 'the party'. Friendship develops, ebbs and flo and natural connections build rather than a constant assessment like agile project management - which is what you appear to be suggesting.

@Weareoutofwinethankyou I didn't think my post would of been narrowed down that much x

@InvasiveSpeciesi get what your saying but the way you wrote it felt very critical x

Absolutely we all need connection, and people can be unlucky with friendships. I've certainly spent a few years living somewhere where literally everyone else had gone to school together and had neither the capacity nor the desire to make a new friend.

But the single thing that comes up again and again on here in posts about lacking friends is a lack of interest in other people, and sense of potential friends purely in terms of the need they would fulfil in the OP's own life. 'I want a friend to vent to', sure -- but why would a total stranger want to get to know you in the first place, before you get to the 'venting' stage? People will be in a much better place to think about how to make new friends, or acquaintances who may become friends, if they think about the kind of people they like, and what they themselves are bringing to a new friendship.

It's not critical. I'm sure you have good qualities, and it would help to think about what those are. If I met you at an event or hobby, what would I notice and like about you that might make me want to exchange numbers? What would you notice and like about someone else that might make you want to see them outside of the choir/class/whatever?

So I should make a post like a dating post then my likes and dislikes and what I'm looking for?
How about just a general conversation nothing to deep
This is where I start thinking about leaving groups 😕

Also I think I did state my information if I listed things i liked ill get people just wanting to talk about that subject alone and that's not what I wanted

TBF, I got the same vibe. The “I want someone I can vent/moan to” stuck out. Possibly not intentional and actually far from reality, but might be something to bear in mind. @InvasiveSpecies made some helpful suggestions (although I’m not one for introspective questions either so wouldn’t follow them 😀)

It's not 'introspection', more a matter of thinking in concrete terms about what kind of person you like, and where you might find them. Friends of friends are always a good shout, but, for instance, if you like books and reading, a reading group is a good way of meeting people. A friend of mine, a writer, met two of her closest friends after a reading at a literary festival -- she was in her 40s. Another friend moved to another part of the country in her late 40s just after finishing cancer treatment, and has made a lot of new friends via environmental volunteering/campaigning, and starting a Parkrun in her new town.

I'm a people person and would like some new friends to message not always to meet but someone to keep my head from exploding
I just miss having a good old natter and a moan x

I think sometimes we’re scared people think we want someone to do lots of stuff with, take up lots of their time and we don’t want to seem too demanding. So rather than “I want to get to know someone, meet for coffee and go to gigs with” we down play friendship to “someone to vent to” because that too is part of friendship.

@BoredTrish83 I do think that it’s ok to clarify what you meant and to prompt you to think about what you offer and what you want in friendship. No one was being unkind, but if promoting you to have a think means you’d leave a group making meaningful relationships is going to be difficult because anything meaningful involves challenge.

If you just want to vent, MN is probalby a good shout.

frienship is more than that though a @InvasiveSpecies has pointed out.

depending on why older friendships "fizzled out" I would consider whether some of those can be revived. If it's just life and kids and all the rest, then I don't thin it's a terrible thing to get n touch and suggest a meet up - perhaps around something you liked doing before.

I do think it's harder to make friends at this age, especially because genuine friendship takes time and effort. So whenyoung, that's relatively easy at school/uni/college, then work. Or with young children because you're spending time together with your young DC etc. But now it starts to feela bit more forced. But I think that you have to get out of that comfort zone and play the long game. Meet someone, suggest a meet up. If it goes well, suggest another one ... just not the next day!

So do I start a new thread then and go into more detail ?
As you can tell I don't like feeling I'm bring criticised that's why I never devolge much x

@MattCauthonthankyou

I think you're being a bit paranoid now. I'm certainly not criticising you, only saying that lonely people saying 'I just want someone to do X with', with a much stronger sense of what role that person would fulfil in their lives than who X actually is as an individual, is a common theme on Mn.

I think it's often part of the reason they find themselves without friends in the first place. I mean, I don't want to meet someone, like the look of them, exchange numbers and then discover I've been elected as someone they vent to or moan at.

But maybe we're actually talking about different things. If you literally just want to vent or moan via message, without the pressure to actually see people, Mn is the perfect spot.

Thankyou lesson learnt it was just a general thread nothing to deep hoping someone would relate to my age kids age etc that's all x

If you don't like being criticized, that might also impact your ability to make friends. Frienships require a certain amount of vulnerability and my friends, the good ones, know my strengths AND weaknesses. Which means sometimes they can point things out that I don't want to hear or other times they can accomodate me because they know somethign is hard for me.

In your shoes I would try to revive some of the old friendships

It takes a bit of bravery to reach out and say hello, been ages, I thought of you the other day, how’s things?

But easier than starting from scratch I think