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Original poster

"He's a great Dad"...no he isn't.

85 replies

CrowSinger · 27/05/2025 09:44

That line is on so many posts that I sometimes think to myself that they must all have been written by AI. It is always in a post where the "great" dad is manifestly abusive.

"He's beats me, calls me a fat ugly c*nt in front of the children, he punches walls/me, he puts his hands around my throat, the children are terrified of him and have wet themselves when he's got angry, I'm not given any money and all my clothes have holes in, he cheats on me regularly and gives me STIs because he doesn't take no for an answer with sex, he's isolated me from all my family and friends...but he's a great dad".

WHY do women say this??? Has anyone come out of an abusive relationship and seen the light and realised that he was a piece of shit, not a great dad? What would have made you see it sooner?

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 27/05/2025 09:50

Just reading another post where the op says that her husband is a great dad to their toddler - despite her calling the police and having him arrested for domestic violence while she was holding said toddler.

Original poster
CrowSinger · 27/05/2025 09:54

@BodenCardiganNot It makes me despair.

It's obviously part of the abuse that these women are made to feel that the abuser is not really that bad, but I really do wonder how anyone could describe all this horrific stuff and still trot out the line about him being Dad of the year.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 27/05/2025 09:57

It's usually "amazing" isn't it? Amazing dads and the bar seems to be that they sometimes interact appropriately with their children.

2ndbestslayer · 27/05/2025 09:58

It's that old adage - the bar for men is so low it's in hell.

Mumofteenandtween · 27/05/2025 09:59

I am pretty sure that the definition of “great dad” is “hasn’t actually fed the children to a tiger”.

On the other hand all you need to be criticised as a mum is to work (why even have kids if you are going to abandon the poor mites) or not work (terrible example) or to feed them freezer food just once in their entire lives (poison!) or to always cook from scratch (you shouldn’t waste time cooking - you should be playing with them!) or…..

Blahblahaha · 27/05/2025 10:02

I often wonder if it is because they have no idea what makes a good dad because they have had a pretty shit dad themselves, so have a low bar to compare against.

NuffSaidSam · 27/05/2025 10:02

It's easier for them to excuse their own choices if they can kid themselves that he's a good dad/the kids are fine. It's a lot to accept that you made a baby and then forced that baby to live with an abuser.

SlightlyFurther · 27/05/2025 10:02

I think it’s partly self-delusion. They can’t allow themselves to think that he’s as poor/violent/uncaring a father as he is a partner, because then it makes them deeply irresponsible for staying in the relationship and not protecting their children. I’m not pointing the finger here. I get that it can be difficult to leave an abusive relationship precisely because of the psychological effects of the abuse, and that it can take time to leave.

But I think that sometimes women convince themselves that if he’s not actually violent to the children, he’s a ‘great dad’ and that’s a reason to stay.

SlightlyFurther · 27/05/2025 10:03

NuffSaidSam · 27/05/2025 10:02

It's easier for them to excuse their own choices if they can kid themselves that he's a good dad/the kids are fine. It's a lot to accept that you made a baby and then forced that baby to live with an abuser.

You were more succinct.

Snorlaxo · 27/05/2025 10:04

I always assume that their dads were so bad they’d make the news type of man so they see a bit of violence and smashing up the house as “good”

Daisyvodka · 27/05/2025 10:04

'He's a great dad, the kids love him and would be devastated if we split up'
Ie, he plays with the kids and they like it.
This is going to sound mean but I do get a bit bloody frustrated in 2025 when people behave like they'd never even considered before having kids what would happen if the relationship fails. Your child is not going to be irreversibly traumatised by their dad not reading them a story every night, but they will be by living in a house where mummy is on edge all the time tiptoeing around daddy's moods.

whitewineandsun · 27/05/2025 10:05

"He drinks too much and pisses/shits the bed when he's off his head, but he's a good dad, and he's in no state to clean the sheets, so I will."

Being single is OK. It really is.

Snorlaxo · 27/05/2025 10:09

“My child has never got along with my husband (stepfather)” is another one that sends shivers down my sign and appears in posts too often.

Renabrook · 27/05/2025 10:13

May explain the first one but why keep on having them with such a 'great dad', I presume it is because any man is better than no man and they lack attention if they are not with one

peidhDassffeks · 27/05/2025 10:18

A great dad appears to be someone who loves their child on here but that’s literally the very basic expectation of a dad. People can love their children and still abuse and traumatise them. To be considered a great mum though you have to be a lot more than that.

wrongthinker · 27/05/2025 10:18

I think it's probably easier to admit to being abused than it is to admit to staying with someone who abuses his kids.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/05/2025 10:19

It's a bit like when someone feels the need to tell you that they are honest. It means the opposite.

Blahblahaha · 27/05/2025 10:20

Also I do wonder if people don't leave because regardless of the domestic abuse the dad will probably still end up getting unsupervised access to the child if the dad wants it and at least if the mum is there, she has some control over how the child is treated.

nopineapplepizza · 27/05/2025 10:20

Society tells women from a young age what a “great dad” is.

Kids see mums/nans/childminders (usually female) doing the school run &/or taking the DC to the park everyday and no one says anything.

Dad takes the kids to school or the park once and “oh, he’s such a great dad” gets uttered repeatedly.

Same for cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc.

So, genuinely, there are women who have been told all their lives that if the dad plays with the kids for half an hour, does the washing up once and does one single school run in a week then he’s a catch.

That’s a lot of neuroprogramming to rewrite 🤷‍♀️

Blahblahaha · 27/05/2025 10:26

@nopineapplepizza we could never be friends as I love pineapple on a pizza, but I agree with your points on this.
Dad's that consistently put their child's needs and wants above their own and pay attention to a child's emotions are actually few and far between.

TheNightSurgeon · 27/05/2025 10:27

I said this about my ex.

It was for a few reasons really but I genuinely believed it at the time.

My own parents were very abusive to me, my ex never physically abused my dc.

I had no basis of what 'normal' looked like, so my ex would do some basic parenting and I would think it was amazing.

I was in absolute denial that I was being abused.

It's very hard to see a situation that you're in clearly.

If you can't get out of a bad situation you want to convince yourself it's not that bad actually and the good parts become more prominent in your mind.

This 'great dad' was much older and I was a teen, he refused to allow me to go on contraception, moved me away from everyone I knew and basically kept me pregnant for years. Now those children are mostly adults and he hasn't seen them for 7 or 8 years. It happens a lot, the kids are only useful to them as part of their abuse.

BumpyWinds · 27/05/2025 10:28

nopineapplepizza · 27/05/2025 10:20

Society tells women from a young age what a “great dad” is.

Kids see mums/nans/childminders (usually female) doing the school run &/or taking the DC to the park everyday and no one says anything.

Dad takes the kids to school or the park once and “oh, he’s such a great dad” gets uttered repeatedly.

Same for cooking, cleaning, laundry etc etc.

So, genuinely, there are women who have been told all their lives that if the dad plays with the kids for half an hour, does the washing up once and does one single school run in a week then he’s a catch.

That’s a lot of neuroprogramming to rewrite 🤷‍♀️

You've put this more succinctly than I could, but this is exactly what I was thinking.

Women are so programmed to believe that a "great dad" is one that spends time with their kids and makes them laugh, rather than the 1950s view of man goes to work, comes home, has food put in front of him and never has to be involved with the lives of their children. Yes, it's an improvement on that, but it's not a "great dad". A "great dad" should be doing exactly the same as a "great mum"!

My friend used to moan about her DH and say "but he's such a good dad". No love, he wasn't. He used to roll around on the floor with them and play with them, but only while you were making dinner and asked him to keep them out of your way. He didn't have a clue what time they started or finished school, nor had a clue what they were studying for A levels. If the kids were sick or hurt themselves they literally ran past him to get to their mum. Once his cheating ways had finally been discovered and he'd walked out of the family home, he hasn't once sent the (now adult) children so much as a birthday card.

BumpyWinds · 27/05/2025 10:34

Blahblahaha · 27/05/2025 10:26

@nopineapplepizza we could never be friends as I love pineapple on a pizza, but I agree with your points on this.
Dad's that consistently put their child's needs and wants above their own and pay attention to a child's emotions are actually few and far between.

Your post actually made me a little emotional as I realise how much my own Dad gave up to put me and my sister first. He literally gave up his career for us.

He worked his arse off to provide for the family as my Mum couldn't work, yet would still be the one to make sure I was up in the mornings, making me breakfast and lunch, then having a chat as he drove me to school. On his rare days off from work he'd take me out for the day, or stay home with my sister so my Mum could take me out for the day.

When he retired my Mum was still working so said he'd take over all the household chores now and my Mum came home to a freshly cooked meal every night and a clean house with clean washing and ironed clothes.

Now, I'm proud to say THAT's a great dad!

Overthemoon13 · 27/05/2025 10:35

It’s simple. The bar for being a ‘great dad’ is so low that as a pp said, it’s in hell.

Matthew54 · 27/05/2025 10:42

I am currently suffering from secondary infertility and reading threads like this devastate me.

My husband is a reformed slob and what actually got through to him in therapy was someone telling him, “You’re not being a good example for your son by doing this to his mother.”

The point being - him being messy was his one character flaw. These people post threads that read as batshit insane and the one glimmer is the dude held his kid for thirty seconds once? That’s not enough.

I think it’s because they are so beaten down they don’t believe they deserve more. They were raised in similar or even worse environments. I want to hug them and tell them that they and their kids deserve so much more.

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