How do you accept that your family don't want to spend time with you? Really dislike Bank Holidays...

[ForeverTipsy]

Just that. Kids are older now (11 and 14) and just want to be with their friends down the park, watching endless sport or gaming online.

I dread Bank Holidays because I get kinda lonely. DH and I don't really get on these days so mostly avoid each other. Which is fine when we're busy with work, school, clubs and busy lives. But everything slows down on a BH weekend and it illuminates to me how much I'm not wanted or needed these days. So I use the time to relax and nap and read. But there's only so much of that I can do.

Anyone else relate? Feels like a real shift in our family dynamics and I'm getting huge glimpses into the future (and feeling a bit melancholy about it).

Sounds like you need to address your relationship, as you should want to spend time together.

Children will gradually move away from you, that's normal, so you need other things to fill your life.

Do you have friends you can go and see invite round?

I'm fortunate to have some really amazing friends. But on Bank Holidays they all seem to spend time with their families.

Look for friends and activities. See who wants to join in.

I like BH because we don’t go anywhere and do anything as everywhere is busy, so we are free to do very little. Tidy cupboards, gardening, decorating.

DM is like you, feels lonely on BH because everyone else is doing ‘lovely family things’ and she’s ’all alone’.
No, everyone else is getting on with stuff, trying to keep the dC busy and not falling out, trying to take advantage of an extra day to wallpaper/dog out that neglected corner of the garden/get on top of the laundry.

Don’t let dissatisfaction colour your perspective.

You have two different questions - how to accept your growing children are developing independent lives, and how to accept that you don’t really have a relationship with DH.

One of those is a normal part of life that you may need help to accept, and the other one is not really acceptable and you actually need help to fix it, or end it.

Which of these issues do you actually want help with?

I know. We really do. Think we're both hoping this is just a chapter in our long marriage that will change again for the better. Will be interesting to see what our relationship looks and feels like when kids have left home.

I agree re kids moving away being natural and normal. It's a parents' job to try and ensure their children become healthy, independent adults. Doesn't stop me pining for the days when they wanted to spend time with me and enjoyed my company.

I do have lots of hobbies and interests, but I'm just feeling sad that one of them is to spend quality time with my immediate family...but they have different ideas...

Having teenagers who would rather spend time with their friends is par for the course. Having a husband who you mostly avoid, and vice versa, is not.

I know what you mean OP. It's hard. No advice, just sympathy 💐

Your bank holidays sound busy and productive, just at home. Our house grinds to a halt. DH puts his feet up and watches tv or plays PlayStation, and goes to the pub in th evening. So I refuse to do too many chores as it's my weekend off, too. I wouldn't mind if we were doing jobs together.

I think I've always had a problem with dissatisfaction colouring my perspective tbh. Never really thought about it until you put it like that.

I can 100% come to terms with kids growing up and growing apart from me.

It's the other one. No easy answer. We mostly just rub along, sometimes bicker (normal), seldom feel connected with him. He refuses to go to counselling. I'd love to go (I've had counselling on my own before and think I need to maybe start again).

They are productive for me regardless of what other people are doing. Sometimes I want to prioritise rest- so sofa, film, maybe even a nap.

DH may want to watch Grandprix or some dire documentary about trains or German MegaStructures.

So we have to negotiate around the TV.

Often he’ll be busy doing whatever it is he does- has a side gig that he works on in his study, and does all the family finance stuff.

I might fancy baking or planning a decorating job (online shopping and browsing!).

We don’t do much together to be honest.

The only really unproductive one that got us all irritated was when rewarded ourselves after a lucky job with a trip to the tip followed by a pub meal- the tip had closed because it was full, and we couldn’t get parking at the pub.

Generally though, we get something done. That something looks different- resting and recouping, achieving a chore, doing a hobby.

What’s causing you to be passive about your relationship breakdown, OP?

Possibly fatigued from thinking about it over the years and wondering if our relationship is totally normal and my expectations are just too high, I suppose.

I think this is a lot more normal - both aspects (relationship and teens) than the replies here imply. It’s shit isn’t it. And it’s kind of that awkward stage where you’re so burnt out you don’t really have the energy to try and fix it.

Thank you. Yes, I think they're probably very normal and a little bit shit, too! It's nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts and feelings, and have them normalised. So thank you.

I think it's normal for teens not to want to spend much time with their parents but them growing up does highlight the distance in your relationship with your husband. Relationships shouldn't be hard work but they do require you both to invest time and effort in spending time with each other, looking after each other. If you can get him to try counselling, it could really help - talking about how you met and got together, what you loved about each other, can really help you reconnect.

Why not have a bank holiday bbq, get lots of burgers and sausages and buns and tell the kids to invite their friends over? That way they get to see their friends and you get to spend a bit of time with them too!

Ah, sorry to hear that, OP.

Expecting to be wanted, loved, and understood by your partner should be a basic minimum, not a sign of too high expect around.

maybe some solo counselling for yourself would help you decide what your options are?

I would love the couples counselling and the BBQ. DH won't entertain either. I bought him a bbq a few years back and he just left it outside to rot. I took it to the dump recently. He's not one for hosting or cooking tbh. I've often arranged friends and their kids to come round for parties here, but it'll be me doing all the planning, shopping and cooking (he does do all the cleaning up and is good company when everyone is here).

I think I've realised we all get on 1:1, but it's when we're in a group we struggle. DH and I have very different energies (mine is usually high-ish, curious, chatty, excitable...his is low, quiet, seems irritated).

I dont think either of us are massively happy, but maybe this is what relationships look like when you've been together nearly 20 years...

What did you see in him when you first got together? What shared interests do you have? DH and I went through a bit of a doldrums patch like that and what solved it was making time to do the stuff we used to enjoy together mainly going to live music gigs for us. We make sure to always have something in the calendar. To be honest I do most of the legwork planning it but he is appreciative and it reconnects us to be together as a couple doing something we enjoy. Ours are older teens now and we have started going further afield for weekends away.

I echo other posters the main issue is your marriage. If you were busy going out with him you wouldn't feel like this as much. He needs to get his arse up life's too short to waste it sat around that would drive me crazy
I've been stuck in two weeks with strep and I'm going nuts at home lol

I’m 35years in, OP. I learned that I needed to do what makes me happy.

I can’t make him want to do the things I want to, and he doesn’t work at the relationship.

However when I stop working on it and just concentrate on making myself happy, he often falls in with whatever I have decided to do.

Some things he doesn’t- I joined a spa gym for my health, really great facilities and I can take a guest free. He won’t ever come despite always choosing a hotel with a pool if we do a weekend break anywhere.

So I go on my own, his loss.

The biggest release and relief was stopping working at it. The resentment left, the frustration left, the disappointment left. When I stopped planning and working around him, life got so much easier. The energy really changed.

I was no longer frustrated by all the things I couldn't do because he wasn’t interested. I just got on and did it on my own.

I think I was influenced by my codependent parents. Mum was massively needy and expected dad to rotate around her. She did little without him. I think that influenced my expectations of married life.

I think that a poster up thread has a good suggestion.
It's a good idea to throw a barbecue and suggest your DC's invite some friends around.
It's a great BH event that involves all of you, as a family, and lets your DC's know that you're interested in them; it's a positive move in the right direction.
I would also have suggested that maybe both you and DH have gotten into a rut where neither one of you expect much out of your relationship.
Would DH be put out if you suggested that you and he did something together, went out for lunch or a drive or a walk?
If you get too used to having separate lives within the home it'll stay that way unless somebody makes a move.
Even suggesting to DH that you go for takeout coffee, somewhere nice in the car to a park, or by a lake or somewhere that's picturesque and you can talk together.
Believe me it makes all the difference to your day if you spend even an hour with your DH doing something different and communicating in privacy.
When you never talk together it becomes a habit and sometimes you just give up.

Of course if DH is against doing this then therapy sounds like a good idea for you both or at least for you, since you've admitted to feeling unhappy and dissatisfied.

I would take charge. Tell everyone tomorrow we’re going to the seaside/ zoo etc. they’re not too old to not spend any time with you.

@myplace

"DM is like you, feels lonely on BH because everyone else is doing ‘lovely family things’ and she’s ’all alone’."

Obviously I don't know your back story but that sounds a bit harsh. If your mum is actually alone (widowed for example) then it is hard and it does make you sad. I know it's difficult to understand when you're still bringing up kids and running a home but a bit of empathy doesn't hurt. You might easily be in the same place one day.

What brought you together in the first place? What do you have in common? What do you enjoy doing together?