How do you accept that your family don't want to spend time with you? Really dislike Bank Holidays...

[ForeverTipsy]

Just that. Kids are older now (11 and 14) and just want to be with their friends down the park, watching endless sport or gaming online.

I dread Bank Holidays because I get kinda lonely. DH and I don't really get on these days so mostly avoid each other. Which is fine when we're busy with work, school, clubs and busy lives. But everything slows down on a BH weekend and it illuminates to me how much I'm not wanted or needed these days. So I use the time to relax and nap and read. But there's only so much of that I can do.

Anyone else relate? Feels like a real shift in our family dynamics and I'm getting huge glimpses into the future (and feeling a bit melancholy about it).

Can you take yourself out somewhere that you fancy visiting? The coast, a walk somewhere? A local town.

I have children of the same age and yes they want to hang out with their friends but they will happily do things with us too - go for lunch, see a film or show, go for a hike? Especially on a bank holiday weekend. Not the whole day but some if it is always family time.
As for the relationship with your husband, I agree, you need to reconnect. There must be something you both enjoy or at least used to do together?

We’ve not done much this BH weekend. Kids both have exams so are ‘revising’. DH did some DIY stuff and I did some house chores. We went to the gym together yesterday and to the supermarket today (oh the glamour) sweetened with a bit of brunch. He’s having a nap now and obviously I’m noodling on Mumsnet. Tomorrow we plan to take the dog for a long walk and see if we can persuade any of the kids to come. Not hugely exciting but companionable.

We’ve been married 20+ years and intend to stay married but it requires a commitment and work. There have been times we resented one another and felt distant absolutely and somehow it’s come back around now. I think neither of us are going to change the stuff that’s flawed now but we choose to accept that nobody’s perfect and the good stuff outweighs the bad. I have stopped expecting him to do things he will never do (ranging from putting his socks in the wash basket to being ambitious and dynamic) but appreciate that’s he handles bins, cars and mowing and is calm, steady and loving. I assume he makes a similar trade off about me :)

Plenty of backstory, @ginasevern , but it doesn’t undermine the fact that DM is permanently dissatisfied, largely because of her own unreasonable expectations and negative outlook. She resents me having time off, a holiday, or anything, ever that doesn’t include her. She however can do what she likes when she likes, and still thinks we should organise our time around her needs. As a mother and as a daughter she was neglectful.

I’m surprised you’d assume that I lacked empathy rather than accepting my perspective on its own merits.

ETA all of which doesn’t detract from OP being happier if she organised her time and entertainment around herself rather than around other people. Try and see it as an opportunity, rather than a failure.

We’re the same, when kids are little your whole life revolves around them and you start to forget what it was like just to be a couple. As they get older and aren’t around as much you need to reconnect because let’s face it, in a few short years they’ll be gone living their own lives and it literally will just be you and DH. We go out a lot, by ourselves or with friends, drinks, meals, gigs, weekends away. It’s lovely to feel like a couple again instead of just mum and dad. OP the next few years are crucial for reigniting your relationship. Perhaps start suggesting some things you can do just the two of you at weekends, even if only for a couple of hours.

There’s a couple things going on here really.

One, spending time doing something you really enjoy for you is a luxury. It’s the thing parents of younger children dream of when they think about theirs becoming pre/teens. What do you enjoy? What did you used to enjoy pre-kids? My dc are similar ages and younger but Dh has taken them away for the night. I’ve spent the day gardening and reading and cooking my favourite meal just for me and it’s been lovely. Due to health issues I’m not very mobile at the moment, but if I was, I would have gone for a hike and a swim.

Also, just because your dc prefer spending time with friends or gaming, doesn’t mean they get to rule the roost and not do family things. Mine can moan at me all they want about getting out their pj’s and leaving their rooms, but if I say we have something planned together, they do it and they do actually have a lovely time. You may actually need to cultivate some fun and adventure with them because maintaining the relationship you have is really important, especially beyond 14 when things get dicey.

Would they be happier to do things 1 to 1 with you while the other does something with your partner? Mine fight constantly, but separately, days out are easier and we actually get to talk to each other.

It's really not. I've been married 35 years and while we've definitely had ups and downs, we still have a laugh together and actively look out for each other, enjoy each other's company. I think it's sad that you're resigned to a distant and unhappy relationship 😕 have you tried having a really honest conversation with your DH about how you both feel? Do you really think you can carry on like this for another 20 years?

OP please don’t resign yourself to be in an unhappy relationship. We’re going on 20 years too and I love spending time with my DH, he’s one of my favourite people. Can you speak to your DH again about counselling?

Pur own DC are still pretty young. I’m dreading them not wanting to spend time with us.

It sounds like everyone else is cracking on with their own interests and you’re hanging around hoping someone will want to do something with you. Can you prioritise time for one of your hobbies? Take advantage of DH doing some childcare and go for a run, or whatever it is you like to do? My view is perhaps coloured because I have a young baby and the thought of a day to read and watch tv is amazing.

alternatively could you plan a lovely day out with the kids. They might not want to spend time with you if it’s just mooching around the house but could you go to the cinema, our out for brunch or to a local attraction or the seaside?

What happens when you tell your kids you are having a day out? If it’s something they want to do they might be up for it, like go karting or theme park…

I know I'm missing the point, but why couldn't you use the barbecue, @ForeverTipsy? Was it a penis-operated one?

She basically answers that in the post you quoted, she will be doing it all alone. So that wouldn’t help her feel less lonely at home. He’s not up for a BBQ and she doesn’t want to do one alone. Nothing to do with a penis

DM feels lonely because she misses the days when a BH was about days out with her kids. Whether you are doing anything or not, there are times when she (and other people of her age and mine) feels disconnected from the lives and activities that others are having, and that she had once. It feels like a loss.

I find lovely summer days difficult sometimes. I feel like I should be at the seaside with my late husband and my kids when they were kids. And much as i I'm generally contented with life, I get a pang of something that I miss very much.

I bought him a bbq a few years back and he just left it outside to rot. I took it to the dump recently. He's not one for hosting or cooking tbh.

She bought 'him'- not 'them'- a barbecue despite knowing he's 'not one for hosting or cooking'. So she bought him something he clearly didn't want and was obviously never going to use, and then blames him for 'leaving it outside to rot'.

At any point, she could have decided to use the barbecue that she decided to buy, especially given she says she's often arranged for people to come round.

Yep, that would be my strategy too (though obviously you need your DH on board which might be difficult). Plan to do something and tell the kids what you're all going to be doing. Make it a done deal (an attractive one).

Op I had a miserable day also,went out with DH and DD 19 and DH sat and didn't say a single word at all
My poor dd sat awkward, I resumed chatting away of course but I can't understand on what planet DH thinks it's ok to sit and not utter a single word and leave his daughter in silence

I also dread what's coming

You are right, you are totally missing the point. The thread isn’t about the BBQ.

If the thread isn't about the barbecue, then why have you twice replied to my comments about the barbecue?

DH and I have 2 matching hobbies but then have a few things that each have zero interest in at all and do separately. What did you like doing when you got together? What was it that made you a couple?

I have a slightly different perspective. I have an 11 and 14yo too and I think it is still important to spend time together and build new connections. They are also ages when they need you more than they think they do.

Bribery works sometimes, suggesting taking a friend to go on a country walk or to the coast works sometimes. Doing stuff they like so they can laugh at how bad you are, like multi-player console games or going out to something like laser tag are things we do/have done.

We also spent some savings recently on a more special holiday and a theme park trip, as we realised we are very close to the time they will not want to come.

Most of all though, you being there, looking after them, being their cheerleader, being consistent is noticed and appreciated sometime in the future (I've an adult DC too). At that age, a friendship disagreement or something at school can feel like the end of the world to them and you will be there to bring them through it.

Sounds like it is time for you to do something for you, learn a new skill or join a hobby group.

I joined a meetup social group recently, being in a similar situation. A friend, also in a similar situation, joined too so we’ve done a few interesting social events through this.

Use food as a way to keep connected with dc. Brunch, meals together and some meals out.
Make them an exciting hot chocolate, milkshake or smoothie and invite them to the table to have a bit of a chat. Or tea and cake.
I bought my dc a waffle maker that they use to make waffles from time to time. That can be quite a fun time.
Take them shopping.
I usually make a deal with the dc that they need to spend one afternoon/morning doing something with me during the holidays.
Get some snacks and watch a film with them. If it’s a film that breaks the rules (horror or rated 15. Check IMDb parents guide) then that’s more appealing. Get into a show and watch an episode together regularly.

@londongirl12 this is exactly what I do and have done for the past 14 years. I am very much the adventurous, "life's too short", it's great to try new things and go new places one. I do alllll the research, planning, booking, shopping etc (unless it's a big holiday and then we do it together). All the day trips, the meeting up with friends, all the mini breaks etc for 14 years. I've tried taking a step back and asking DH to think of ideas but it doesn't happen; everyone just sits in front of a screen for days and I climb the walls and cave, pack the car up and off we go. We almost always have a good time and the kids appreciate it, but I've just noticed it's getting harder and harder to get them enthused about family time. A "day" out btw would only ever be more like half a day; we still have a lie-in and home for tea.

It's tiring when it's 1 Vs 3.

Sorry I disappeared - we went camping! Kids loved it.

Loving lots of the ideas to stay connected to our children as they grow into adolescents and adults, and I promise I do lots of them.

I also have a very full and active life away from the family; I volunteer at a couple of places, I'm learning a martial art, recently go finished an online course in something I've always wanted to study, go to a book club and regularly meet friends for long walks and coffee dates. I know how important it is to do these things and not lose my identity in motherhood.

Oh, and DH and I go away for a night just the two of us once or twice a year. Might have a date night to a music gig once or twice a year. He cheers up then and is better company, but back home it's back to him being distant and intolerant of me generally. I really think he's not that happy, just coasting along for the kids. He has a couple of hobbies outside the home he loves and does regularly. Meets up with his friends. Works full time in a job he enjoys.

Things that brought us together in the first place? Probably films, live music and UK travel/walking. He's just getting less and less outdoorsy as he gets older, whereas I want to be outdoors as much as possible. Refuses to pay cinema prices even though I adore the cinema (so I take kids on my own or go with friends). He's turning into a grumpy old couch potato imo! Ho hum.

My kids have left home. Trust me, me and dh spend a lot of time together. We dont have wider family. So we are together a lot.

You need to think how this would be for you.