Where do you meet genuinely kind, non-macho men? (Disabled woman feeling stuck)

[TheAlertBiscuit]

Hi all,
I’m hoping the collective wisdom of MN can help me out. I’m a woman in my early-30s, living in London, and I’m disabled (autism + ADHD + anxiety). I’m independent enough day-to-day but I do need a partner who actually gets that some days are harder than others—and who doesn’t see that as a chore or a reason to lecture me about “pulling myself together”.
My last BF was a Reform-voting Brexiteer who openly said he “didn’t care about disabled women”. 🙄 His whole family were Trump/Brexit/Reform cheerleaders. Lesson learned: avoid anyone whose empathy stops where their politics start.
What I’m looking for:

• Gentleness & kindness first and foremost—no macho posturing, no “alpha” nonsense.
• Someone emotionally literate who’ll listen and adapt rather than try to “fix” me.
• Shared values: basic compassion, respect for diversity, and definitely not the far-right culture-war stuff.
• A partner, not a carer—but someone who’s happy to take care when I really do need it.

Where on earth do you meet men like this? So far I’ve tried:

• OLD (Hinge mainly) – lots of “banter” bros who get bored when I mention disability.
• Local social groups – nice people, zero romantic spark.
• Meet-ups linked to my interests (economics/book clubs) – mostly already-attached.

If you’ve found a decent, supportive partner (or are one), where did you two cross paths? Any niche dating apps or social spaces worth a shot?

Is it simply a numbers game, or am I fishing in the wrong pond?
All advice welcome 🙂

I found mine at work. Do you work? Otherwise no idea. Took a very long time to find a decent one,

I met my DH on line, on a niche site, and I couldn’t have someone more suited to me if I’d designed him myself.

There are dating sites for every different type of person you can think of. There will definitely be a site out there to suit you. What about a site for those with autism and/or ADHD, so you meet someone who totally understands that some days are not going to be as easy as others? Or dating sites linked to your interests? Although the trouble with dating sites is that it doesn’t matter which one you choose, they will always have their fair share of liars/married men/time wasters etc. What about asking your friends if they have any friends they could set you up with? They’ll know you better than anyone and if they care about you, they won’t set you up with someone who is a bit of a twat.

You need a Warhammer geek. Maybe D&D

What are you like, though? What are you bringing to the table?

Hiki may be for you.
https://www.hikiapp.com/

as someone who is neurodiverse with depression, I always wondered if I needed someone who was neurotypical. Or at least their neurodiversity complimented mine.

I met mine online. I’m pretty scatty, never have a routine and random, and can be a little pessimistic _he is very organised, neat, tidy and domestic and pretty optimistic. I someone’s feel bad when I go through low periods, but he tends to be good at cheering me up.

Im not sure what to tell you OP, as it seems so hard to find someone. You can meet people everywhere and anywhere.

My mum met my dad on the street on holiday whilst returning to her hotel (they were both from the same city but were on holiday in the same place). And you couldn't find a more wonderful caring man who would and has done absolutely anything for his family and still adores my mum over 4 decades later. Chance encounter.

I met a couple honeymooning in Thailand. They'd met because he was up a tree and she was walking past.

Make sure you're also thinking about what you can offer them, what kind of partner will you be? Then you know you'll be looking for someone who values x, y, z... and you can put that in your profile online.

Also - and I do honestly mean this kindly, and it's just my opinion, but be wary of making your neurodivergence your whole identity

Maybe a ADHD, Autism, anxiety support group?
Then you will meet men just like yourself and be able to provide support to each other.

You've got a big list of what you want but don't say anything about what you've got to offer. Maybe thats part of the problem.

What about doing an in person evening class? If you want to do it anyway = no loss.

A friend met her partner on a course.

Came here to say this. My husband paints Warhammer but doesn't play the game. There is an old mill near us where people meet either to paint or groups who play the game.

Husband has no interest in football which is a plus for me but is kind, loyal and gentle. His other interest is photography and is part of a club. Those men also fall into the same bracket and are generally academic. Some love photographing trains, others nature but generally fhey are good at photoshop/computers when it comes to editing

The things you've been doing sound quite generic and mainstream.

Do you have any slightly more niche hobbies or interests?

I met my DH through a hobby group (not one I found on meetup).

Sometimes you also just have to keep doing these things for quite a long time, focus on yourself and building a happy life without a partner first and foremost.

Look for friends as well as a partner (or even before a partner).

Good, solid friends can also fulfill a lot of the criteria you are looking for, and once you have a few friends you end up meeting their friends and growing your social circle in ways you might not expect.

It sounds like your focus is on finding somebody willing to provide a decent amount of support without question or complaint. People aren't saints or carers. I know you said you don't want a carer but compared to the average person you do.
I don't mean to be harsh, but if I knew an eligible bachelor and you told me what is in the OP I would not set him up with you for his sake.
Think a little more about what a balanced relationship would look like, what you bring in exchange for what he would have to provise, that will help you.

Your post is very much me, me, me, I’m afraid. That will put the nice men off. Start thinking about what you would be able to offer someone instead.

• Exactly what @Teapotters says, while you say it's not what you want, but your list seems to be you want a support human not a partner, who will do what you want when you want. Someone emotionally literate who’ll listen and adapt rather than try to “fix” me.

'Listen and adapt' sounds like they have to be a sponge when you're talking and must change themselves to keep you happy.
A partner, not a carer—but someone who’s happy to take care when I really do need it.
Again do they get a say? What 'care' are you expecting?

Like pp, wouldn't set up someone with these demands with a friend/family member.

Boardgames group

Move to Oxford

You only need one

I met mine on a niche dating site. I wasn't 100% interested in the hobby but calculated that I'd have a lot in common with men who did.

If you go to a group/evening class make sure it's one where men outnumber women. Most of my hobbies have been female dominated, we used to joke that a man turning up would find it like being a kid in a sweet shop.

If you found the last guy attractive I’d be amazed if you found someone with these ‘kind first’ attributes attractive too.

Classing yourself as disabled when you actually have ND would put me right off - it does come across as you making your ND your whole personality.

what hobbies and interests do you have? Agree with others asking - you need to consider what you can offer as well - this definitely comes across as you looking for an emotional support human so if that’s how you come across to potential dates that could be why you aren’t having much luck,

I have AuDHD and met my husband on tinder

Lots of sensible posts here. I'll add the old saying that you have to be truly happy with yourself and be authentically showing that to meet the right person. I met lovely DH when I was in my early thirties (we've been together for nearly 25 years) through a local hobby group. I was happy with myself and happy to be single so he was a lovely bonus. He's definitely a bit of a geek and I love that I've never had the pub/ rugby/ football taking up his attention. He's a wonderful dad to our DC too.
@MiloMinderbinder925 I'd like to know more about the couple who met when he was up a tree please! It sounds like the last Bridget Jones film 😁

My good friend has autism, adhd and anxiety. He (and his partner) would be absolutely baffled if I described him as “disabled”.