Where do you meet genuinely kind, non-macho men? (Disabled woman feeling stuck)

[TheAlertBiscuit]

Hi all,
I’m hoping the collective wisdom of MN can help me out. I’m a woman in my early-30s, living in London, and I’m disabled (autism + ADHD + anxiety). I’m independent enough day-to-day but I do need a partner who actually gets that some days are harder than others—and who doesn’t see that as a chore or a reason to lecture me about “pulling myself together”.
My last BF was a Reform-voting Brexiteer who openly said he “didn’t care about disabled women”. 🙄 His whole family were Trump/Brexit/Reform cheerleaders. Lesson learned: avoid anyone whose empathy stops where their politics start.
What I’m looking for:

• Gentleness & kindness first and foremost—no macho posturing, no “alpha” nonsense.
• Someone emotionally literate who’ll listen and adapt rather than try to “fix” me.
• Shared values: basic compassion, respect for diversity, and definitely not the far-right culture-war stuff.
• A partner, not a carer—but someone who’s happy to take care when I really do need it.

Where on earth do you meet men like this? So far I’ve tried:

• OLD (Hinge mainly) – lots of “banter” bros who get bored when I mention disability.
• Local social groups – nice people, zero romantic spark.
• Meet-ups linked to my interests (economics/book clubs) – mostly already-attached.

If you’ve found a decent, supportive partner (or are one), where did you two cross paths? Any niche dating apps or social spaces worth a shot?

Is it simply a numbers game, or am I fishing in the wrong pond?
All advice welcome 🙂

I think you just have to keep on going to things that you enjoy and widening your circles. Don't settle for reform voters!

Firstly, what are you bringing to the table? It sounds like you want someone to mould themselves to fit your requirements and they’re not allowed to deviate from this.

Secondly, as others have said, the constant repetition of ‘disability’ will put a lot of people off. You don’t want a carer, yet require a carer when you deem it necessary and they will have to do what is expected of them?

Thirdly, why are you dating unsuitable people? If you require such a specific set list of things then don’t waste your time dating people who don’t fit your list. I took too long to get to this point so had my time wasted by people who weren’t suitable. If online dating (I met my husband on PoF) do not feel obliged to go on dates with people who don’t fit at least 80% of your criteria within the first handful of messages.

Be aware that wanging on about disability will become tedious and others that have the same issues may not class themselves as disabled. My husband fits your criteria yet would likely have moved on quickly as he doesn’t class his diagnosis as a disability and isn’t attracted to people who use excuses for their behaviour.

My DH has the sort of kindness levels that seem quite rare amongst men. We met at work, well in the departmental library.

I'd echo a lot of the more forthright posts here. I'd also add that, while it's fair enough that you don't want to be with someone with very different political/world views, those views don't in themselves mean a person will be lacking in compassion or kindness as a partner. There are plenty of vile men with left-wing/progressive views.

It’s not Reform taking disability benefits away from people. You probably shouldn’t date a Labour supporter either.

But how did you end up with your ex given your very specific wish list?

Second this.

@KurtansCurtain @imisscashmere @Sspooooonsh
The ableists are here DING DING DING!!! 🔔
Autism and ADHD ARE disabilities 🤷🏻‍♀️

I say all this as someone who is also autistic and diagnosed with anxiety.

Your list very much comes across like you want a partner, carer and therapist all rolled into one. You can't put all of that onto one person, it's not fair or realistic. You also don't mention your qualities and what you bring to the table, or what you'd be able to offer them in return.

Yes, it reminds me of threads where a poster says they struggle to make friends or don’t have any, then start talking about wanting a friend to be someone to offload on and be there for emotional support and regular coffees, and to go to events with etc etc — and it’s pretty clear exactly why they don’t have friends. If you ask what they bring to a friendship, they sound slightly puzzled and say ‘I’m just a nice person!’ Because they just see other people as an undifferentiated mass, one of whom will fulfil their needs. No sense of ‘What would make someone want to be friends with me?’

I know they can be classed as such but I like that Mumsnet is a place where we can admit that some of us, and many people with the same conditions, find it baffling and don't think of people with those conditions as being "disabled". Indeed OP herself describes herself as "able" and "independent". Also in language generally today neurodivergence is listed alongside disabilities as a kind of "separate category".

I'm interested in when OP began describing herself as disabled and why.

Yes I'm aware those conditions are technically classified as "disabilities".

I was making a more subtle point about how people with these conditions might think about, or describe themselves. Frankly the OP sounds utterly self-absorbed and fixated on her limitations and finding somebody to accommodate them.

I’m in the forthright bench as well, you’re asking for quite a lot, but haven’t outlined why someone like that should be interested in you?

I have ADHD and don't consider myself disabled.

I suspect OP has got the point now.

OP I hope amongst some of this there is some useful food for thought that will help you going forward.
I'm sure you have plenty of positive traits you can focus on, the best way to find the right person is really working on yourself and fulfilling your own needs first :)

Join the clubs, make the friends, build up your confidence and go from there.

Avoid anyone whos politics don't match your own it will simply never work!

Ditto. My daughter has autism and ADHD and she would be HORRIFIED if anyone called her disabled. It's just who she is. I am who I am and I don't wade in to relationships telling everyone I've got ADHD, it comes up naturally during conversation - usually when they've started going glassy-eyed actually. I'm staying single for now!

Absolutely this. I have Autism and would never ever describe myself as disabled. I think it’s an odd choice of phrase.

I find the psychology of this very interesting.

Why people choose the labels for themselves that they do.

I met my now DH through a standard online dating site many years ago. I went on a lot of awful and meh dates beforehand. I think the good thing about dating sites is you can be very specific about what you are like and what you want. However your list is too long at the minute so I suspect the issue is you’re not ready for the right relationship. When I met DH I was genuinely happy in my own skin, I wanted a partner sure, but my happiness and plans weren’t contingent on having one.

I would focus on your hobbies and interests and work on understanding and managing your own triggers and self regulation techniques. It might help you to know that ND or not, everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship. Also absolutely no one is perfect.

Plus like job hunting, you only need one partner.

I think one of the major problems is that autism and ADHD present so differently in different people. Many people with autism are disabled - they will never live independently, will never work and may never be able to leave the house unaccompanied. Others can work, hold down a job, drive, have a family, and many more are somewhere in between.

I'm autistic and while I don't consider myself disabled, I am very impacted by my autism in the sense that I can't work full-time (or I go into melt-down and burnout) and in the sense that I need to be at least partially supported by other people. But in other ways, I'm perfectly capable - I can drive, pay bills, keep on top of household chores, manage my personal hygiene and maintain relationships and live fairly independently on a day-to-day basis.

All the advice here is good. If it were me I would stop calling myself disabled as I'm not sure how this is helping you be happier. I fully appreciate that to some people and to you you are, but as you can see from this thread its not a universal view. If it doesn't help you just drop it. Being very frank, it's will be putting men off as its a label that comes with preconceptions.

That’s perfectly fair, and good advice.

Partly a numbers game

make sure you join and participate in clubs around your hobbies and interests

partly expectations - you can know someone for years before becoming an item so patience

partly a focus thing - you are focussed on what you want - you want a boyfriend and they need to be x,y and z. If any of that comes across when you meet people it is off putting. If you take the focus off what you want , don’t treat every man as a potential partner , just get to know people whatever their status and build friendships - those married men and women might have single friends who - if they see you as a friend - you might get to meet. I have seen it lots - any slight hint of desperation and single minded looking for a man focus does seem to make people wary.

Check out multiple threads like this one where women are divorcing nice guys:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5341017-anyone-else-separated-from-the-nice-guy