Pathetic to still be so badly affected almost 3 years on?

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My ex and I were together for 11 years. Most of it was good however the last year wasn't great. We had been trying for a baby and I'd had a few miscarriages. I went off sex during this time, for around a year or so and we were only having sex around the time I ovulated, to try and fall pregnant. I was depressed, had put on weight and was just totally overwhelmed with my fertility issues.

I got pregnant again and this one stuck. However we had been arguing loads during the pregnancy (due to the lack of sex we'd been having, which was a major issue on his part) and we split a couple of months before our son was born, not my descision. He stayed with me and our son for odd nights during the first few weeks of his life and we had sex a couple of times, with him being really loving and affectionate for a few days then turning cold again. It turns out he started seeing someone else during this time. I begged him to stay with us and try again (pathetic I know, I was just terrified of doing it all alone) but he was really cold and distant by this point and told me that he wasn't attracted to me, that I repulsed him (I put on a lot of weight during my pregnancy) and that he wasn't interested.

This other woman that he got with while he was staying with us and our newborn fell pregnant 6 months later and they share a child who must be around 18 months ish now. They're still together and have bought a lovely house, they both work part time and can spend lots of time with their little one. Whereas I'm stuck renting, I'm a midwife and really struggle with shift work so can only really do long days on the days that he has our son (EOW) and the odd day where my mum can have my child. So I'm stuck on a low wage, I won't get a mortgage due to low/inconsistent income.

I just feel so devaststed about it all still. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I should be over it by now, it was almost 3 years ago. Is it normal to still feel so awful about everything? I feel like I was robbed of my family and this woman basically has what should've been my life. I also feel so stuck, I don't know when I'll be able to move forward career wise due to how restricted I am childcare wise. I feel like I'm just stuck in this rut while their life is so easy with 2 parents both of whom work part time hours and don't need childcare etc. I thought by now I'd be over it all and have moved on but I've not and I feel pathetic. Has anyone else been left with kids and struggled to get past it all?

Do you work? Socialise? Exercise?

I suspect op that a big part of this is that you are bored with too much time on your hands to think about the past.

You need to look ahead and not behind

I haven’t been left with children, but I do know a Mum who was a midwife who was a single parent. She moved into health visiting. I don’t know how easy that is these days but could you do something similar? Maybe keep up your midwife shifts when your ex has him so that you have lots of options as your child grows up? I suspect that the issue is that life hasn’t moved on for you, rather than him, and once you get one thing moving in the right direction, hopefully the rest will fall into place too.

I know it doesn’t help much, but what the other woman actually has is a cold-hearted, cruel liar who will break her heart as he has broken yours. I know your situation is hard and lonely, but you are supporting your child and showing them what a decent and responsible parent looks like. That counts for something.

It's not at all pathetic, you can't fully move on because you have been landed with the consequences of his awfulness.
He sounds despicable - leaving you while you were pregnant, then sleeping with you within weeks of the birth, then telling you you're not attractive to him which must have affected your confidence.
You are in a difficult situation that is still happening, and I can see there's no easy way out for the time being.
However, don't imagine that his new partner is having such a fab life; she knows that he is not reliable or decent, and will not be able to trust him. Maybe things are financially easier for them, but she is living with that lowlife.
Hopefully you are claiming maintenance from him, although I bet he is working reduced hours so he doesn't have to pay what he should to support his child.

It might be worth returning to study or retraining because childcare is going g to be a problem for a very long time. Of course you're upset. It takes 2 to 3 years to get over a divorce and the fact he has made this new life is particularly difficult. I think you really would benefit from counselling too.

@Itdidnttakelong I do work but as a midwife, our shifts in this trust are 12.5 hours which don't fit into nursery hours so I'm very limited. I pick up shifts when my son is with his dad, EOW, and on the odd occasion that my mum can help out. I've asked about shorter shifts but the shifts get given to people who can do the whole 12 hour shift. I do socialise but it tends to be during the day with friends when I have my son with me as I don't have a lot of childcare. I think you're right in that I have too much time to think about all of this but I can't see any way out. Community posts which would work for me as I could do this within nursery hours are like hens teeth, I've applied when posts have come up but not been successful.

Health visiting is something I've been looking into actually. Our trust only took on 2 people this year out of over 100 applications, so it's very competitive, but HV and school nursing are avenues I've considered

How often is your son with his father?

It's just heartbreaking that we tried for so long for our son and when he came along, I was discarded and left to it while this woman has the man, the family, the home, the easier life. I actually know a friend of this woman and my ex actually tried to make a move on her just before he got with his current woman. It was all done while he was staying with me and our son after he was born. It's like he's just went off with anyone that would have him. And I've been left to pick up the pieces.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. My situation is similar. Ex left me when our child was 16 mths, now with another woman, the difference is he’s trying to take my child away from me to play happy families with new partner, trying to paint me as an unfit parent due to historic MH struggles. It’s been 5 years and I’m not over it because what he did still continues to affect my life daily. It’s not the same as a break up with no children where you never have to see them again and can heal. Of course you’re going to struggle to move on because his actions still affect you in the present. All I can say is don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t let anyone tell you “you should be over it by now”. I know childcare is difficult for you, and other posters have more practical advice on this, but just be thankful you have your child and try to carve a fulfilling life for you and your child with strong boundaries around involvement from him in your life. Done therapy would probably really benefit you. You sound like a loving and responsible parent and your child is going to have respect for that when they’re older…for your ex, not so much.

Every other Friday - Monday. He won't take him any more than this. Apparently it doesn't fit in with his new schedule.

You will start to feel better when you put your child's father out of your mind and arrange your life as though he had died. Just go about planning your life as though you were widowed.

1. stop being a midwife. You can’t afford to work a job with ridiculous hours as you need too much child care.

2. stop comparing your life (renting, alone) to ex’s new woman’s life (partnered, house). She is living her life. You are living yours. She didn’t steal what was yours. Your partner was a poor choice for you—by you. You had agency all along and you chose to pursue becoming a mother, unmarried and without joint finances, even though the fertility journey crushed your sex life and destroyed the relationship.

Sorry to be so blunt but if you had been able to process this over the last three tears this is the conclusion that you might have come to.

This was not the right nan for you to have chosen to father your child. That was not the right time in your life to get pregnant. You chose that course snd you got the baby so, in that sense, you were successful. Take the win snd choose how to fulfill your other needs as though you are starting free of old errors and choices. Do you need a better job? Go get one. Do you need a better life partner? Start dating again.

Just put the ex in the past. You did what you did and got what you got.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through this too. So many men are just absolutely awful. Even when you think you've got one of the good ones.

So you get CMS?

and if work know these are your days… can you not work then?

he will be starting school soon? Check the school has wrap around care

Really?!

That sounds positive. I think you need to take ownership of your life, OP, and focus on your own agency and ability to change things that aren’t working for you. You sound as if part of your bitterness and sense of ongoing ‘not being over it’ is because you feel things were done to you, or robbed from you, and your ex’s partner has what you feel should have been your life.

Whereas you could also see her as someone who started a rebound relationship with a man who was having sex with the mother of his newborn, having ditched her after 11 years when she was seven months pregnant, and who then got pregnant herself within a few months. That doesn’t say ‘dream life’ to me. That says ‘poor decisions, potentially vulnerable, has a child with a man who has demonstrated his capacity for moving on, regardless of pregnancy, child etc.’

I think you’d feel a lot better if you focused on sorting out your work situation to something that fits with the hours you can work, and which will allow you more financial stability. Therapy would help you look at your ongoing sense of shock. Best wishes. You sound to me as if you’re doing admirably. Be kind to yourself.

I get CMS. And yes work know that those are my hours, that's how I get shifts on those days. But 4 days a fortnight, 5 when my mum can help, isn't sustainable. I can't really get a mortgage off this. So it's very limiting. Anyway work is just one facet of it all, it's the whole situation tbh. It's also 2 years till he starts school, I think my mental health will probably plummet if I feel this stuck for another 2 years.

Are these mad bots replying?

OP, of course it’s only natural you’re still upset. It is true that you can get stuck in a ‘traumatic loop’ (I know trauma is a word used a lot atm, but what I mean is that it’s easy to get stuck mentally circling the same events.

Is your dc going to school now? Does that give you more time to yourself? I would think about what you need to do for yourself to mentally ‘shed’ that old version of you and think bout who you’d ideally like to become. That Japanese tidying lady’s book is amazing as she focuses on making you get rid of things that don’t make you happy to leave you with a calm interior full of things you like. Edith Eger’s the choice is amazing for how to move on. Atomic Habits is amazing for thinking about how to get where you need to be (library will prob have some of these) There are tons of money podcasts and advice online. There is amazing Pilates on YouTube (Jessica valant is amazing and has been through a lot herself).

Id take a second and think who YOU want to be next year. So maybe still a skint midwife (and thank you for being a midwife btw, so amazing and under appreciated), but calm, healthy, happy, maybe with a part time job in school hours?

Do you drink? I find I’m at my most sort of maudlin and ‘oh what might have been here there and every where’ when I have a couple of glasses but also when I am hungover, so I have been cutting it out for weeks and love it.

Can you find a volunteer role in the week for a morning - not just any old thing but something that you’re interested in?

Leave that old, hurt you behind you - one day you’ll look back with sympathy for her!

Good luck.

I do think I'm stuck in a loop. It's so hard to get out of. I'll have a look at those books you've mentioned, I need to get out of the rut that I'm in. He's not at school yet, he's at nursery 2 days a week however his nursery hours don't cover shift hours so I tend to use those 2 days to go to the gym, shopping, cleaning, general life admin etc so that i can comcentrate on my son when he's not at nursery and working when he's at his dads. And no, no drink, my mental health is poor enough as it is right now without adding alcohol into the equation lol. Thank you for the advice, it really is helpful.

As others have said think about moving into a more 9-5 job, health visiting or similar. Your child will get significant funded childcare. Don't give your ex another thought - seemed like he got sulky because he wasn't getting enough sex when you were depressed, used you for sex a few weeks after giving birth whilst sleeping with someone else and said you repulsed him after putting on weight giving birth to his child. Really think about what you wrote, who needs a bloke like that ? You need to re-think things and tell yourself what a lucky escape you had from this guy. Be kind to yourself, things will work out in the longer term and hopefully you will look back and realise how lucky you were to be rid of him.

I think you need to come to peace with fact that for time being your shift pattern doesn’t work for you

you are a HC professional Op… you will be able to pick up something much more flexible

have you considered private midwifery?

I’m sorry some of the responses on here are dismissive and almost victim blaming OP 😔
sounds like you blame yourself for your ex leaving ‘we didn’t have much sex, I put weight on’ those aren’t reasons why someone who is meant to love you should treat you like he did.
its not at all surprising that you’re still holding rough feelings about what’s happened. Have you had any therapy? I would have thought you can access for free via work?
you need to work through the root causes of your complex feelings to understand where you’re at and allow you to move forward. Making yourself more busy or changing jobs or ‘forgetting about him’ won’t fix any of this sorry to say.
be kind to yourself and seek some help, it’s awful what you’ve been through and I think you’d be a psychopath not to still be affected by if tbh x

@Flipslop care to quote the post you think is victim blaming?

Can you not read? She said in her OP “I'm a midwife and really struggle with shift work so can only really do long days on the days that he has our son (EOW) and the odd day where my mum can have my child. So I'm stuck on a low wage”.