Pathetic to still be so badly affected almost 3 years on?

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My ex and I were together for 11 years. Most of it was good however the last year wasn't great. We had been trying for a baby and I'd had a few miscarriages. I went off sex during this time, for around a year or so and we were only having sex around the time I ovulated, to try and fall pregnant. I was depressed, had put on weight and was just totally overwhelmed with my fertility issues.

I got pregnant again and this one stuck. However we had been arguing loads during the pregnancy (due to the lack of sex we'd been having, which was a major issue on his part) and we split a couple of months before our son was born, not my descision. He stayed with me and our son for odd nights during the first few weeks of his life and we had sex a couple of times, with him being really loving and affectionate for a few days then turning cold again. It turns out he started seeing someone else during this time. I begged him to stay with us and try again (pathetic I know, I was just terrified of doing it all alone) but he was really cold and distant by this point and told me that he wasn't attracted to me, that I repulsed him (I put on a lot of weight during my pregnancy) and that he wasn't interested.

This other woman that he got with while he was staying with us and our newborn fell pregnant 6 months later and they share a child who must be around 18 months ish now. They're still together and have bought a lovely house, they both work part time and can spend lots of time with their little one. Whereas I'm stuck renting, I'm a midwife and really struggle with shift work so can only really do long days on the days that he has our son (EOW) and the odd day where my mum can have my child. So I'm stuck on a low wage, I won't get a mortgage due to low/inconsistent income.

I just feel so devaststed about it all still. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it because I should be over it by now, it was almost 3 years ago. Is it normal to still feel so awful about everything? I feel like I was robbed of my family and this woman basically has what should've been my life. I also feel so stuck, I don't know when I'll be able to move forward career wise due to how restricted I am childcare wise. I feel like I'm just stuck in this rut while their life is so easy with 2 parents both of whom work part time hours and don't need childcare etc. I thought by now I'd be over it all and have moved on but I've not and I feel pathetic. Has anyone else been left with kids and struggled to get past it all?

Could you find a lovely childminder who can be an extra parent/carer for your child and a friend and support for you?

I do blame myself a little. I know what he did was shitty, really shitty, but I feel like I'm the one who drove him away due to our sex life diminishing. But I'm not putting it all on myself, what he did was abhorrent. I do pay for private therapy once a month or every other month depending on how finances are, I've been doing it for around a year. I'm not sure how much of a difference it's making. My situation doesn't change.

He's in nursery but even childminder hours won't cover shift patterns unfortunately, I did look into it.

The world is your oyster in terms of work op. You are a highly qualified HC professional.

I look every day on the NHS jobs website and nothing fitting my available hours seems to be advertised. I've even emailed jobs asking if there is any possibility to do shorter shifts, the answer is usually no, the job is standardised hours. That they could accommodate part time hours but not shorter shifts. A couple have said to put applications in and they'd consider it but I've not got anywhere with those. Midwifery is a predominantly female profession so you would think that there would be flexible hours available due to females having most of the caring responsibilities within families usually, but no.

I think I'm just going to have to keep emailing every job that comes up about the possibility of family friendly hours, keep a lookout for community posts or just stick with what I'm doing for the next couple of years.

Maybe try a different therapist? You’ll likely find you were putting up with poor behaviour / emotional abuse over a period of time before this? Xx

If you are lucky you could find a childminder who could even do overnights for you. Someone willing to really support you. I know there are not lots of people like this but there are some

Scrape the therapy
spend the money on a babysitter and get out there and socialise with friends

OP I'd be devastated too. You've had a series of traumatic events and no time to process. I definitely would not expect anyone to be "over it" after such a short time under these circumstances. It's amazing you're holding it together tbh. I hope in future you'll look back with immense pride on how you've coped with these awful circumstances. And hopefully relief that you escaped the relationship with this selfish and cruel excuse for a man too.

Your ex is abhorrent. Do not blame yourself. You're not to blame!

That's the thing, I've thought if there were red flags before and not really. I did find him on a dating site after about a year together but we were long distance at that point, for our first 2 years together as I'd moved down to London for a year to do my postgrad course. To my knowledge, there was nothing after this though. His best friend also left his wife and got with someone from work a couple of days after he had walked out, wife was heartbroken, ex didn't see anything wrong with this as "they're broken up" which I thought was very callous. But other than this, no, there wasn't anything that I noticed

She’s a midwife !

Most of it was good however the last year wasn't great.

it was longer than the last year
he was unsupportive during you TTc and miscarrying
unsupportive during pregnancy
and then buggers off in your third trimester

so can’t see this being less than at least 2 years of shitty behaviour

and more than “shitty”. This twat left his very heavily pregnant partner to go off with his flooze.

Does he pay CMS? Did he attend the birth? How was in during newborn period?

So immediate post birth, in the first few weeks
he was stopping by for sex?

Those red flags were plenty.

Look—I am sure my comment seems “victim blamey” from some perspectives but three years on you can’t stay in the victim position. A victim needs a rescuer and the ex husband isn’t it. You have to rescue yourself.

Arguing (internally or externally) about who crashed the boat doesn’t help you after the shipwreck. You have to get up off your knees and fight to live on this new, rocky shore.

All these sad feelings, including anger at him and shame and feelings of guilt are just forms of avoiding accepting the reality if the death of the relationship. They are just the relationship form of anger/denial/bargaining. Etc…

Eventually, and its totally up to you when, but unless you want to die like Miss Havisham, in the decayed remnants of the relationship, you have to force yourself out of the cycle of despair. You have to fight fir your right to party!

I have nothing against anger—you should be angry at his behavior, but that will only help you if you convert it to energy—power applied to work—the work to transform your life and get the things you and your child deserve.

You wasted 11years with this wanker and you either were very mistaken from the beginning or he changed radically and you didn’t have the ability to recognize it. Don’t waste another minute on him. Spit on his name and move on. The life you save may be your own.

No, it doesn't sound victim blamey @pikkumyy77 . A lot of it is quite true. It's just so hard when I feel so stuck in a rut. I've done counselling, I hired a PT to try and improve myself. I even did another uni ourse related to my job last year as it was something that i was able to do online and fitted in with childcare. But still I feel so stuck. I feel like nothings moving forward. He has a new family, lovely house, probably happy as a pig in shit. And I'm just stuck. I can't move forward in my career which I love as I'm so restricted with childcare and jobs that I can do. I can't get a mortgage off my salary so I'm stuck renting this tiny flat. I do socialise but I don't have time to date, I don't want to date anyway tbh, I don't have any trust in men anymore. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself lately as its hard to see a way forward at this moment in time.

He pays CMS and has done consistently. He did attend the birth although I had to ask him numerous times to come along in the weeks preceeding the birth. I don't think he'd have come if I hadn't put a bit of pressure on him. He wasn't stopping by as such for sex, he was staying over to help with our child and I offered it to him....I know....I was pretty vulnerable and just wanted him to stay and be a family tbh.

Its not the end of the world to rent. Stop fantasizing about the other imaginary life. You gave to live in this world and you can. Its not lesser—just different.

Stop and block thoughts of this “pig in shit” man. You were vulnerable—you let yourself become vulnerable and he took advantage of you and abused your trust. So stop being vulnerable. Stop letting him or thoughts of him dictate your life.

Sit up and live.

Can people not read? Asking the OP if she works, when does the father have her son, do you work the days he has him etc. OP has answered these already! It's so irritating! I don't have any advice OP but I'm sorry to hear this is happening it must be tough especially when you're so bound to his schedule and you can't work as much as you want to. Edited again to add the man sounds like an absolute bastard, imagine saying you're repulsed by the body that gave you your son! X

You have had a really raw deal. And to see this pair thriving must make it all the worse. But you do really need to start building up your life as best as you can. But above all be kind to yourself.

You aren’t pathetic you are still grieving.

I’ve been through an awful breakup too and to be honest I was totally shat on and I’ve barely ever had a sorry for it.
Hard when you share a child with someone who’s treated you this way.. not so easy to just go on with your life when they are still in it as such.

I try and let myself feel the pain when it comes up but I won’t pretend it doesn’t frustrate me when I feel upset or angry about how I was treated and so on.. I still do and the breakup was 6 years ago.

someone said to me the best thing you can do is draw a line under it, get shot and move on with your life. I do think this is totally true and most of the time I try and stay in my lane and use it to fuel me to do better… but some days every now and again it makes me angry.

recommend counselling xx

It took me almost three years to get over a break up despite having a social life and other distractions. After the initial six months I was back to normal day to day and happier but it was a hard slog to let it go.

It takes a long time to heal properly so cut yourself some slack xx