DS12 came home upset

[Galaxyandcadburys773]

Hello
Need help please, I'm a bit upset about DS12. Please be kind as I'm struggling with my MH as it is at the moment and had a tough CBT session this afternoon.

Background:
My DS12 (Y7) is a quiet and sensitive boy who was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 4. Academically fairly ok but does struggle a bit socially. Kind and accepting of all and honestly wouldn't hurt a fly (has his moments of course like any child so defined not perfect). He started secondary with a group of boys he was at primary with. Gets on ok with all but is closest to one in particular in that group (I'll call him Tom). Tom has been off all week poorly so DS has been trying to hang about with the rest of the group but has been told to "piss off and fuck off" by the ringleader and 'boss' of the group (I'll call him Jack). Jack was always the popular ringleader type at primary and all the kids hung on his every word and his permission would be required for a new kid to join in. Jack could sometimes be mean and leave kids out and enjoy dominating who could be a part of things and who couldn't. Weirdly enough, Jack's mum was always the queen bee type among all the mums constantly arranging outings and tactically excluding different children each time round then gleefully announcing after the event that it had taken place in front of mum's whose kids didn't go. She'd be so nice and pleasant and sweet while she did it and it was really hard to pin point as all the other mums would pander round her and I felt like I was the only one who could see through her. I tolerated her as my son was part of the friendship group. I've always been pleasant to her and always included Jack in any birthday parties my son has had. He's also been to my house on numerous occasions and got on well with DS and DS has always been thrilled to be accepted as one of the cool kids in Jack's 'gang'. She'd say to me ever so sweetly how her Jack thought my DS was a great lad and a good friend but then in the next breath tell me how Jack had had all the boys round and they all had a lovely time..my DS hadnt received an invitation. Very odd. Why mention it if DS wasn't wanted? Sorry I digress....
So today after being told to P off and F off at break time he sat down on the end of their table for lunch in the canteen as there was nowhere else to sit and they all got up and left and took their food outside. Led by Jack. The others glanced back with a worried look on their faces he said but still followed Jack. My DS finished his lunch alone.
He said he cannot wait until Tom is back at school but then he is worried in case he also follows Jack like the rest have. When my DS sees anyone from the group independently they are absolutely fine with him and get on great.
He's cried and said he's worth nothing as no one likes him. I've reassured him and said I can speak to school after the holiday but he's told me not to as he said that will ruin his friendships for good. There's no point in messaging Jack's mum as she's the sort that can see no wrong in her kids and she'd just not be interested. He doesn't want me to anyway in case that leads to further problems in school.

It's left me feeling awful
I'm not sure if my CBT session earlier which I found really stressful (it unearthed a lot of things) has magnified the situation.
Please tell me what you would do in this situation? And if I need to get a grip or not?
Thank you

Oh op that sounds so upsetting for him, and for you with worrying about him.

I’m sorry, I’m totally clueless. I just wanted to bump so someone else might see it and advise, and send you some sympathy

I would wait and see. If there is an issue when Tom returns then yes speak to school. However you also need to encourage him to seek out other people. These popular types often leave a wave of devastation in their wake.

I honestly wouldn’t bother with this group of boys, it’s only going to lead to more heartache.
Are there any clubs tour DS can join at lunchtime, where he might find likeminded individuals? Or does the SEN team have a dedicated space for the SEN children to spend break times quietly? My DS often hangs out with his ASD buddies in a room at the back of the library.

Your poor son. My son struggled socially at high school, made worse by the fact that he went to an all boys school. He spent a lot of time in the library and helping teachers with jobs during breaks and lunchtimes. He found a way of protecting himself from the bullies in doing this, although a couple of lads really made his life a misery. He’s in his twenties now and weirdly enough he’s friends with the boys who bullied him. The one who was the worst one said he was mortified and shamed of his behaviour towards my son in school. It’s such a tough time, especially when they’re struggling. Hope things improve for your son soon.

Please tell me what you would do in this situation?

Encourage your son to branch out and seek other friends beyond those he was at Primary school with. He can still be friends with Tom, but he needs a wider circle of friends. Strike up conversations with others in the dining hall and elsewhere and ignore Jack. Look for anyone who is on their own and might want a friend.

Forget about Jack's mum. Parents are irrelevant to 2ndary school friendships.

This is bullying and the pastoral staff would want to know about it. Drop them an email for info.

This exact scenario happened with my DD at secondary school. I rang Head of Year and said I wanted it stopped. Low-level bullying isn’t acceptable and no child should have to put up with this treatment.

HoY called in bully and told them straight that she knew what he was up to and that it stopped now! She told him she had been watching him and so had other members of the SLT and they weren’t happy with what they’d seen. Of course they hadn’t but bully didn’t know that but it meant DD wasn’t seen as a snitch and the bullying stopped overnight. HoY said if anything else happened to let her know and he’d be excluded. Nothing ever happened again.

So please go and talk to school and get your DS the support he needs. I’d also encourage him to find another group of friends.

Definitely don’t ever speak to the bully’s mum about any of this. She doesn’t need to hear anything from you. If she ever did say anything to you (doubtful) deny any knowledge.

Thank you

Sorry your DD went through it too..awful isn't it as parents to witness how upset it makes them! I'm definitely going to speak to the HoY when he goes back, just to make them aware. I've told him he needs to branch out and find new friends and he says he agrees but his social skills aren't great and he's really shy which makes it more difficult. He's in lots of clubs out of school like youth group etc and enjoys those but still so shy.

I will do. He's off for a week now so I'm hoping things will improve once he gets back and his friend Tom is back at school. Thank you

Thank you
I won't approach the mother even though that was my initial knee jerk reaction when he first came home in tears. After I'd had chance to think it through and read the replies on here (which have all been great) I realised that contacting her wasn't a good idea. She'd only defend him and then try and twist it so he'd somehow be the victim. I've told DS to chat to others and push himself a bit more and get involved with clubs at lunch etc. I'm also going to speak to the SEN department to see if there is anywhere he can go if he's alone

Thank you
Yes he always stirred up drama and discord at primary with leaving kids out and then accepting them again and then excluding a different one. He seemed quite accepting of DS at primary but now it seems it's DS's turn to be ostracised.
Bloody horrible way to be!
I'll see what it's like when his friend Tom is back after the break.

I am going to see if there are any things he can join or attend during lunch. He said the library is open so perhaps he can go in there. I'll speak to the SEN staff and see if they can offer him something like a quiet area..it would be great for him to find boys similar to him. He's always been fairly popular prior to this so it's a shock how Jack has suddenly turned. I'm praying it's just a phase.

Thank you..glad your son is doing well now. It is tough to watch them go through it though isn't it?! It's worse as I know my DS is a kind and loyal type and wouldn't hurt a fly and won't fight back or say nasty things. He just goes quiet and retreats into himself when upset in front of people at school. I think Y7 can be tricky for friendships as they are all finding their feet but I'm hoping by the time he's in Year 8 things will settle and he will become more established with other children and therefore find it easier to integrate.
Thanks again

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for you and your son.
This stuff is totally heartbreaking and your son shouldn't have to deal with this.
I hope you speak to school and they come down hard on those boys.

I'm hoping by the time he's in Year 8 things will settle and he will become more established with other children

I didn't really form established friendships until second year - Yr 8 now. The first year was really about getting to know people. I didn't meet the girl who was to be one of my closest friends until near the end of the year, as she was in a different form. We just got talking in the playground one day.

I was the only person from my primary school to go to this secondary school, so I didn't know anyone when I started there.

I’m so sorry for your son. I went through very similar things myself at the same age and it was truly the worst time of my life. In my case it became so awful no one would be friends with me and despite my Mum going into the school several times and me even changing form groups I ended up changing schools. I missed most of year 8 and then started at a completely new school in year 9 and although I was very worried about it it was the best thing to happen as it was like a fresh start. Obviously I hope it won’t come to that with your son but do keep it in mind. Unfortunately with kids this age they are so easily led. It’s horrible.

I'm sorry OP, your poor son.

Personally, I'd speak to school but ask them to handle it discreetly as your son is worried about repercussions. Jack is a bully and he's relying on the other boys being too scared of being the next person ostracised to stick up for their friend. This needs to be dealt with by the school (before he turns into a mean adult like his mum, ideally).

I know a mum just like Jacks mum. She’s awful and no one else seems to be able to see it apart from me.

I hope your ds has a better time at school. I would be encouraging new friendships and getting him to spend time in the library at lunch there will be other children in there too. I would also contact the school to keep a close eye on things.

if you were to say anything to Jacks mum I think she would say something like Jack was just mucking around or Jack was just joking so I wouldn’t go down that route just now.

Yes that's exactly what she's like! She'd brush it all under the carpet as there's no way her little Jack could possibly be in the wrong. If my DS was being mean to a child there would be hell to pay off me and his dad as we'd absolutely not tolerate nasty behaviour. She's full of spiteful put downs and the other mums just sit there taking it and thinking she's great.

avoid Jacks mum, there’s always one in a school.

encourage your ds to make new friends and to go to the library at lunch/breaktime, there will be other children there. Does the school have any lunchtime clubs he can go to?

ive sent you a private message.

I agree with all of this ^.

I think having an "escape route" at breaks eg reading in the library or lunchtime clubs is a good idea. It's so horrible being left out and feeling lonely and ostracised. If your son has somewhere that he knows he can go to, that might help

I'd speak with SEN staff 🥰

Similar happens DD2 in year 7, she decided to get together her own group, she called them the misfits! All girls who were on the fringes and seemed a little lost(DD2 quite eccentric and dances to the beat of her own drum) Never bothered about being popular and that turned it around.
Perhaps son and his friend can invite someone different to an activity out of school to make friends.

Poor kid.

have you thought about inviting Tom & maybe some of the others over during the holiday? Try to cement some of the friendships before going back to school?