DS12 came home upset

[Galaxyandcadburys773]

Hello
Need help please, I'm a bit upset about DS12. Please be kind as I'm struggling with my MH as it is at the moment and had a tough CBT session this afternoon.

Background:
My DS12 (Y7) is a quiet and sensitive boy who was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 4. Academically fairly ok but does struggle a bit socially. Kind and accepting of all and honestly wouldn't hurt a fly (has his moments of course like any child so defined not perfect). He started secondary with a group of boys he was at primary with. Gets on ok with all but is closest to one in particular in that group (I'll call him Tom). Tom has been off all week poorly so DS has been trying to hang about with the rest of the group but has been told to "piss off and fuck off" by the ringleader and 'boss' of the group (I'll call him Jack). Jack was always the popular ringleader type at primary and all the kids hung on his every word and his permission would be required for a new kid to join in. Jack could sometimes be mean and leave kids out and enjoy dominating who could be a part of things and who couldn't. Weirdly enough, Jack's mum was always the queen bee type among all the mums constantly arranging outings and tactically excluding different children each time round then gleefully announcing after the event that it had taken place in front of mum's whose kids didn't go. She'd be so nice and pleasant and sweet while she did it and it was really hard to pin point as all the other mums would pander round her and I felt like I was the only one who could see through her. I tolerated her as my son was part of the friendship group. I've always been pleasant to her and always included Jack in any birthday parties my son has had. He's also been to my house on numerous occasions and got on well with DS and DS has always been thrilled to be accepted as one of the cool kids in Jack's 'gang'. She'd say to me ever so sweetly how her Jack thought my DS was a great lad and a good friend but then in the next breath tell me how Jack had had all the boys round and they all had a lovely time..my DS hadnt received an invitation. Very odd. Why mention it if DS wasn't wanted? Sorry I digress....
So today after being told to P off and F off at break time he sat down on the end of their table for lunch in the canteen as there was nowhere else to sit and they all got up and left and took their food outside. Led by Jack. The others glanced back with a worried look on their faces he said but still followed Jack. My DS finished his lunch alone.
He said he cannot wait until Tom is back at school but then he is worried in case he also follows Jack like the rest have. When my DS sees anyone from the group independently they are absolutely fine with him and get on great.
He's cried and said he's worth nothing as no one likes him. I've reassured him and said I can speak to school after the holiday but he's told me not to as he said that will ruin his friendships for good. There's no point in messaging Jack's mum as she's the sort that can see no wrong in her kids and she'd just not be interested. He doesn't want me to anyway in case that leads to further problems in school.

It's left me feeling awful
I'm not sure if my CBT session earlier which I found really stressful (it unearthed a lot of things) has magnified the situation.
Please tell me what you would do in this situation? And if I need to get a grip or not?
Thank you

This is pretty much what happened with ds.
He rubbed along in primary and i was friends with the other boys' mums. First cracks showed when all the other boys did football but ds just never got it.

Anyway. Yr 7, the big schism hit. All the kids go to the same high school. The football kids join the of football kids from other primaries and become the cool kids. Ds and his other mate cling on out of habit and eventually ousted.

Ds doesn't share, so I don't know exactly what went on. I do know that ds' behaviour got quite weird, perhaps in an attempt to carve out a niche. He also distanced himself from the other friend, maybe thinking it was the other kid's fault for making him seem weird. Both are nd.

Ds is just about to go into yr11 now. He hated the social side of school, but if seemed to get better in yr10. He's still yet to leave the house to meet with any actual friends and I can't see him ever going to parties or having the teenage years i had, but maybe that's what he wants. He prefers adult conversation about politics and history and old films, so I think he's pinning his hopes on meeting like minded people in 6th form college.

This is the thing I am most proud of my DD for.
In your scenario she was neither Jack nor Tom but one of the others in the gang- I will call her Sophie. The situation was identical - when the target child sat down at lunch, the female "Jack" and the rest of the group would get up and move away. If target child tried to walk home with them, "Jack" would lead the others to run away. My DD was terribly upset by it and we had many night crying because the target child didn't deserve it and had done nothing wrong.

I also reported it and the school were skeptical because "Jack" wasn't the usual suspect for bullying, was known to be a pleasant and hardworking kid, etc and they did precisely nothing.

Two years down the line, and my daughter and two others from the original gang of about 9, including my gang's Tom and the target child are now a smaller separate gang. They are extremely close.The division was painful and my DD lost all the rest of her friends and was also excluded from days out etc. it took about a year to shake down fully. But the message to your son is that whilst here are Jacks in every school, there are also Sophies. I hope Tom is one.

And when you find a Sophie you know they are the kids who will take a stand for principles and not just go along with the crowd. They are the kids who know who they are, they aren't the scared sheep just going along with the powerful kids for a quiet life.

I told my daughter something recently that she found so helpful: there are 3 types of friends - friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
It sounds like your son has had friends for a season. There's nothing wrong in this. But they are not his friends for a lifetime. By our "Jack" shaking up the group, DD shed her friends for a season, and it was painful, but it showed her who were her friends for a lifetime.

Wow I have a to say a huge thank you to you all for your replies on my thread. I was so so upset when I first posted it and just to have that bit of solidarity was really heartwarming. Thank you for your kindness

Tell the school. Ask the HoY if they can identify any other boys who are struggling socially and help them get together and maybe have a lunch time club that can help them bond a bit and find shared interests. There may be other boys who are neurodiverse. One of my sons has ASD and so many of his close friends and his girlfriend and ex-girlfriends are on the spectrum. he just realises he connects better wiht neurodiverse people and doesn't have to try to fit in and understand the complex and often quite manipulative social games of neurotypical people.

Can you encourage your DS to look out for boys who are on their own or in small 'uncool' groups and join forces with them. Tell him not to try and get in with the cool gang as they are actually quite manipulative. I have met mothers like the one you mention. I didn't know such awful women existed until I saw them in action. And their children behaved exactly as you describe.

Both my DC struggled with friendship. But there was one absolutely incredible boy in their year who just spotted all the kids with no mates and scooped them up and formed a gang. He let everyone in who wasn't in the in-crowd and welcomed boys who'd been bullied or isolated from the cool gangs. It became quite a big group. There were never events that people were intentionally left out from. There was no bullying and - weirdly - no falling out over the years. Misunderstandings were handled and settled. When the 6th form leavers celebrations happened, it was still lockdown, so school arranged it in bubbles of social groups. DC's group was the biggest and happiest. I saw the queen bee mothers whose sons had made life hell for some of the group staring enviously as we all sat around happily. That one boy made an incredible difference to so many lives. DC are now adults and they still hang out together.

OP you are doing all the right things. Be there for your son and help him understand what is happening. But do nothing. Please don’t lawnmower parent this situation. He is in senior school now and needs to learn to deal with things in life that aren’t fair or nice or uncomfortable.

Encourage him to speak to pastoral care - you don’t need to speak to the head. He needs to do this himself. If he can’t then encourage him to write an email to them.

I get it feels awful but unfortunately he needs to learn coping and resiliency. You will help him more but supporting him but that means him dealing with it.

And the other mun? Who cares. Let her do her. No one cares about parents at secondary. If this is all she has then it’s sad. She ain’t your problem.

This is awful, I’m so sorry. The exact same thing happened to me in yr8 when my best friend was off for the week. The rest of the group shunned me led by two horrible girls who no one could say no to. The next few weeks were horrible as my best friend also felt she had to stay with the crowd when she came back from holiday. I made new friends to hang out with and over the course of the next few weeks the two horrible girls had pushed out several other girls from the gang too and they came to hang out with me and my new friends. The horrible girls ended up with a much smaller group and a bunch of people who didn’t want anything to do with them. I hope something similar happens with your son. It may be a tough few weeks but he’ll come out the other side.

I would also still flag it with the HoY and say this is behaviour Jack has brought from primary- excluding others etc.

Far better to report it now whilst there isn’t a big issue and they can monitor it. It build
up a history to the school of what Jack has been like up until now.

As your son has ASD, a recognised SEN, I would get in touch with the school about this.

It probably can be classed as bullying and at the very least, Jack needs a talking to about how he treats other children. Sounds like it will be water off a ducks back, BUT it does need addressing. He's a bully and it needs to be on his record that he is inclined to behave like this.

It might encourage his mum to tell him to be a bit more careful about how he acts in school to avoid trouble too (not that she'll care about the actual bullying because this is the behaviour she models for him).

Hi - curious how things are for your son now and hope they are better. My son has just started secondary and is having similar problems. They’ve led to intense anxiety and he’s not managing school many days. CAHMS think the anxiety and social issues may stem from underlying ASD. I’m feeling helpless knowing how to help him, and it’s so sad seeing all his friends from primary ganging up and being unkind when he is so mentally unwell already. It’s a vicious circle as the more they exclude and he withdraws, the more awkward and incapable of socialising he gets. He won’t walk to strangers as he’s scared of talking, but he desperately needs better friends