My son said he hates me

[okydokethen]

It’s been an awful day and to top it off, my son shouted ‘I hate you’ at me for telling him to put his iPad down/off while he unpacked his school bag. He’s not said this before - he’s 11 and he sort of squared up to me as well, not sure how to describe it.

Im really tired, I’ve removed myself quietly from the room and am posting on here because I’m not sure how best to respond. I don’t want to go OTT but also want to nip it in the bud if I can.

help :-(

I think there's two sides to consider here.
One - absolutely. Nip this in the bud.
Two - how to speak to and discipline your tweens needs a shift in your mindset too. They're not little kids anymore but not yet teens.
Did you need to tell him to put down the iPad?
You need to shift away from micromanaging and accept they will sometimes make mistakes and will learn more from mistakes/peers than from you.
Keep boundaries firm, make it clear what you won't accept but respect becomes more of a mutual thing as children get older. Model the behaviour you want to see. Sanctions work increasingly less well the older they get.

Confiscate that iPad.

No apology, no iPad back. Shame if he can't do his homework.

Ok thank you that’s helpful. I can see you are right about sanctions.

Screen time is a battle, ‘ALL’ his friends have longer on Fortnite etc, I can’t stand seeing him gaming before he does the very basics - ie empty his bag or put his shoes away. Just plonking himself immediately on the sofa.

I think it’s a loosing battle mind. Yesterday DH told him to put his phone down while he was helping me get the food shopping out of the car - he couldn’t actually carry a bag properly! It just seems so lazy.

I do have time lints and controls on all the screens so maybe just accept that he has his time and that it?

I wish he’d just say sorry and we could move on.

Are there bigger issues here OP? Is there something more going on? I don't feel this incident is the issue but is there possibly a pattern of behaviour with him that's bothering you or frightening you?

Explain more if you want to.

With I hate you. I'd just say ' well I love you mate'.

That is something separate to other stuff like squaring up and whatever is going on here with him or you.

Ooh. I would leave it and see if he apologises. My daughter said she hated me once and I lost my temper and shouted. Not the best response.

I know it hurts. but he doesn't mean it.

@mathanxietythat was my instinct (well actually I imagined smashing it with a hammer…)

But it’s not working as an approach that gets me anywhere

@W0tnow- thank you, I hope not

At that age I had a rule of 1 hour screen time during the week after school. Absolutely none in the mornings.

@PleaseshutthefuckupNot yet there isn’t.

He’s a good boy, usually we get on well but we are clashing over screen time at the moment, it feels like I nag daily about it and he gives no shits.

I'm assuming he’s copying the squaring up thing, school? Or bloody you tube more like! I’ve never seen that and really really can’t cope with that becoming the norm. I don’t know how best to stop it.

He has no screen time in weekday mornings and 2 hours after school - more at weekends.

With screen time etc you have to just keep being consistent - maybe relax the rules at weekends/holidays. The obsession with Fortnite does pass. Rather than a time cut off - Fortnite plays in rounds and it will be enormously frustrating to finish mid battle. Talk to him about maybe having a heads up that time up is near and he can finish that round. Maybe with the carrot of more screen time as a reward for chores/finishing homework. It is a collective game so he's playing with friends presumably? Hence feeling left out. But he needs to learn to cope with a bit of fomo.

you can't have him squaring up to you OP, that needs sorting out promptly .... he's 11, he'll soon be 15/16 towering over you.

What are his friends like, what does he watch online? Do you check his phone and internet etc. 11 is still very young.

How you stop it is to work on the relationship.

All this, ‘I’d do X, that’ll learn them’ is counterproductive. Boundaries with empathy, based on a strong, mutually respectful, loving relationship. If you nag and he gets angry, it isn’t working. Parents who rely on nagging and telling often hit the tweens and teens hard because it stops working and they dont have a lot else in the arsenal.

I’d recommend How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk as a first step. Calm, honest, empathetic conversations. Use humour if you can, and try to stay reasonable and measured.

That’s really helpful @Beamuri think the stopping mid game is the thing that really winds him up, although that wasn’t today, it was just you tube crap - and he’s the only one on Fortnite saying ‘I’ve only got 5 mins left’ to his friends (who play all hours it seems - but may well behave better at home)

I will be so pleased to see the end of the Fortnite obsession, I absolutely hate it. But can see he loves the social side of it.

Would you consider cutting out screen time completely? No 11 year old needs a smart phone and an iPad, and it's causing bad behaviour and poor attitudes.

There's been a lot in the news recently about campaigns to keep kids off ipads, phones etc till age 14. My DS is 24, and I wish I'd been aware of the risks to development and behaviour when he was younger, your son is young enough that you can reset his relationship with tech.

Get him a brick phone for texting and calls, he really doesn't need access to youtube and Andrew Tate etc

You do need to think through the screens, sounds like he's on them too much and at the wrong times.

I'd have a chat with him about his behaviour. Explain what I expect him to do when he comes in before he sits down with it. Tell him you're concerned about the effect is has on his behaviour and if he's not old enough to respect you and (reasonable) rules then he needs a break from the iPad.

FWIW I'm an evil mum and my DC's iPads have a passcode. They have to have done their stuff before I unlock it and can have 30 mins gaming on a school night, 1 hour maths/duolingo etc.
ETA we only allow YouTube on the tv in the living room, it's blocked on the iPads.

I think more and more sanctions just create a downward spiral of him feeling picked on and powerless, which makes him angrier and the behaviour gets worse.

Is he allowed to express negative feelings or not? How would you feel if your husband/boss took something from you for saying something mean?

I would tell him that he hurt your feelings by saying this, but I wouldn't take anything from him.

I also recommend "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk".

I said this as a child to my dad probably twice when I felt unheard and was upset. I didn't mean it. I hated the punishment.

With a calm head, he used to reply 'that's ok, because I'll always love you'. And walk away. I remember it really hitting me the strength of the words I'd used, and that even then he still loved me. I remember reflecting and apologising both times, and it's one of those things that stuck with me.

When he and you have calmed down.

Talk to him about what limits and rules he thinks are sensible. Explain your concerns ask him how he would go about solving it. I have found it is much easier to enforce limits they have agreed to (or suggested).

@FrenchandSaundersi check his phone and online stuff, and am strict with it. Fortnite is the main problem in terms of what he watches, as it’s all violence but he just sees the fun animation and chatting with his best friends. Banning it has not helped. I want to find a middle ground but it’s not working. He actually told me to limit his time on it because he knows he’d never stop playing.

He’s got nice, well behaved friends and he’s very good at school.

Phone isn’t a problem, no social media and not particularly interested in it.

I have an incredibly difficult 12 year old. Really difficult behaviour. He's autistic and ADHD. He has not squared up to me. He does other unpleasant manipulative things abs struggles to regulate anger.

So I wouldn't be quick to blame YouTube. It is not feeling right that an 11 year old boy is squaring up like this.

I wouldn't try control TV too much. If he's doing everything you ask - homework, doing ok in school, being as respectful as he can to you and everyone, getting exercise or engaging in a hobby like that - then stop over controlling it.

I was a TV addict growing up with feral parents. That was never the problem.

The squaring up needs a consequence and he must understand that is a no no.

I'd ask him what the hell is going on. Why does he think that's ok. Where did that come from? Ask him if you need to speak to the school and ask if they're witnessing intimidating behaviour because if they are, this is a problem. I'd say this to him. To make him realise how not ok it is.

I'd say when he apologises and means it, then you will talk about how to give him more control over TV time - with caveat that he's doing well with other stuff as above. I'd explain that you will cut the internet off if you feel he is not making healthy choices like going out and exercising. Bike, sports etc.

I had a really honest conversation with DD younger than this. She wanted Fortnite, I didn’t. I explained that when she talked about her friends, the Venn diagram of the worst behaved, nastiest kids, and those whose parents allowed a lot of Fortnite, as a circle.

You can speak kindly and with empathy about behaviour around gaming. At a neutral time, talking about what makes him angry and why. These games are addictive and bad for you. But like sugary food, they are OK with boundaries. What boundaries does he feel works? If he’s involved in the discussion, he’s less likely to get angry.

Fortnite is not that violent. There's a problem with the rewards and addictions element in the game. This is what drives anger in kids. Fortnite is the number one rage inciting game imo. It's not the violence causing it

I would talk about all other games he can get into and look at buying those games. FIFA for example.

Roblox has some great games but also some very dark violent ones worse than Fortnite.

Suggestions..

1)phones are kept on the side. He can pick it up and use if he wants to but then it goes back on the side (not in his pocket)

2. all tasks and chores done before tech - it is too hard to put down. If he needs a break before starting homework - how about having a shower?