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Original poster

To say DH would be great if it weren’t for his absolute incompetence 50% of the time.

35 replies

UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 20:22

I know I sound like a real bitch here but my god he’s done it again. I asked him to order a steam cleaner (he likes to read reviews on everything) and he’s ordered a carpet cleaner. I can list so many times he gets things just wrong enough to be a complete ball ache- like the time he went to pick up a pregnancy test kit and chose an ovulation kit instead. Or DD had a lovely hairstyle done at the hairdressers (fringe) and he immediately messed it up by pushing it back whilst saying ‘how did the hairdressers go?’- err hello?!!

Daily he will say stuff like ‘does anyone want a hot chocolate’ when I’d just said we’ve run out of hot chocolate. He’ll suggest burgers for tea when we have everything other than burgers in. He’ll open a new jar of something rather than look for one already opened. He’ll offer to pick up DC from nursery when it’s a day she’s not at nursery. He will give the toddler grapes but not cut them up even though I’ve reminded him a million times.

He does this so much and I swear it is getting worse and worse. He just laughs everything off or like now, pretends nothings happened and not get why I’m annoyed because I can’t do what id planned to do tonight because he got the wrong bloody thing.

I don’t understand how he is so incapable of getting things right or remembering such simple things; but can remember what he wants to remember like football scores and goals!
Honestly it’s driving me insane! Been together 22 years but it’s never bothered me like it does now!! Our older kids notice it so much now and honestly he’s losing respect because of it.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 16/05/2025 20:25

So he remembers what he cares about?

EllasNonny · 16/05/2025 20:28

Weaponised incompetence.

PoodlesRUs · 16/05/2025 20:33

Incapable men aren't attractive. They're okay for a couple of shags if they've the looks or skills but beyond that you should stay well clear. Idk OP. Tell him to sort out or spend your free-time on you rather than dealing with his "inabilities" and let him slowly drift.

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PoodlesRUs · 16/05/2025 20:34

Although it sounds like you've the "ick" as it's put on MN.

Songbird54321 · 16/05/2025 20:36

EllasNonny · 16/05/2025 20:28

Weaponised incompetence.

This. I cannot abide it

2024onwardsandup · 16/05/2025 20:38

UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 20:22

I know I sound like a real bitch here but my god he’s done it again. I asked him to order a steam cleaner (he likes to read reviews on everything) and he’s ordered a carpet cleaner. I can list so many times he gets things just wrong enough to be a complete ball ache- like the time he went to pick up a pregnancy test kit and chose an ovulation kit instead. Or DD had a lovely hairstyle done at the hairdressers (fringe) and he immediately messed it up by pushing it back whilst saying ‘how did the hairdressers go?’- err hello?!!

Daily he will say stuff like ‘does anyone want a hot chocolate’ when I’d just said we’ve run out of hot chocolate. He’ll suggest burgers for tea when we have everything other than burgers in. He’ll open a new jar of something rather than look for one already opened. He’ll offer to pick up DC from nursery when it’s a day she’s not at nursery. He will give the toddler grapes but not cut them up even though I’ve reminded him a million times.

He does this so much and I swear it is getting worse and worse. He just laughs everything off or like now, pretends nothings happened and not get why I’m annoyed because I can’t do what id planned to do tonight because he got the wrong bloody thing.

I don’t understand how he is so incapable of getting things right or remembering such simple things; but can remember what he wants to remember like football scores and goals!
Honestly it’s driving me insane! Been together 22 years but it’s never bothered me like it does now!! Our older kids notice it so much now and honestly he’s losing respect because of it.

Does he do this at work or just ar the things he thinks are your job?

coxesorangepippin · 16/05/2025 20:45

First poster

He remembers what he cares about

Sherararara · 16/05/2025 20:55

This doesn’t sound like weaponised incompetence it sounds like he has a genuine problem and is masking it.

Catnapsallday · 16/05/2025 21:12

Well you said your DH was great except for this annoying tendency.
TBH he sounds like my husband used to be, believe it or not, some people actually get to be more aware as they get older.
It used to drive me mad also, our kids were more tolerant of it; it was just dad being dad.
Thinking back, my DH used to be almost scatterbrained, but today he is more attentive, more observant and aware.
Hopefully this is all it is with your DH.
How's his hearing?
My DH's hearing was not the greatest even when young.
He missed a lot of what was being said, and made up the rest, appeared to forget things that he never heard in the first place, but it came across as being disinterested instead.

Blobbitymacblob · 16/05/2025 21:19

22 years?

I’ve found since peri menopause started that things dh does/is that never bothered me are just divorce-worthy irritating some days. I look at him and cannot believe I married him.

Today isn’t one of those days and now I can’t remember why I couldn’t stand him last Tuesday and was working out the logistics of splitting up. We’ve had a great marriage and while he’s not perfect, neither am I.

So much sympathy for you because incompetence sounds utterly maddening.

Original poster
UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:34

See, I truly don’t think it’s weaponised incompetence because there’s no benefit to him doing/saying these things?
His voice is loud and the last couple years I /DC comment almost daily to ask him to turn his volume down but he did have a hearing test last year (I asked him to) and it came back fine. He jokes it’s because ‘he’s so important’-but it’s just irritating.
Work wise he’s self employed and I don’t really see him at work, but he remembers names/faces fantastically so will always be saying hi to customers from even years back.

i do seriously wonder if I’m peri-meno but even so, it’s still bloody annoying.

In the last hour he’s asked if I want my reading glasses (I’ve never had reading glasses, just long distance ones that I wear very occasionally for the tv), suggested a ham sandwich for DD who has never liked ham, and asked if I’m tired because I’m coming across as moody.

It’s not me is it??!!

OP posts:
GingerPaste · 16/05/2025 21:36

Tell him to start concentrating - or you’ll be kicking him out (I bet THAT will sharpen his mind up pretty quick)!

Rosierambles · 16/05/2025 21:36

@Blobbitymacblob I'm just the same. My tolerance threshold is way lower than it was and I could kill DH today. Everything from the way he ate his dinner noisily to buying the wrong wine that he likes and knows i don't , to not listening to something I already told him
I keep looking on rightlove for flats

Original poster
UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:37

Catnapsallday · 16/05/2025 21:12

Well you said your DH was great except for this annoying tendency.
TBH he sounds like my husband used to be, believe it or not, some people actually get to be more aware as they get older.
It used to drive me mad also, our kids were more tolerant of it; it was just dad being dad.
Thinking back, my DH used to be almost scatterbrained, but today he is more attentive, more observant and aware.
Hopefully this is all it is with your DH.
How's his hearing?
My DH's hearing was not the greatest even when young.
He missed a lot of what was being said, and made up the rest, appeared to forget things that he never heard in the first place, but it came across as being disinterested instead.

It’s getting worse not better! He never used to be like this and even if he was I don’t ever recall finding him furiously irritating else I would’ve have stuck around for 20 odd years!
It’s great your DH has improved-I’ll live in hope.

OP posts:
Octopusespunchforfun · 16/05/2025 21:38

EllasNonny · 16/05/2025 20:28

Weaponised incompetence.

Yep. These men seem to cope fine in their jobs but suddenly become imbeciles at home.

Original poster
UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:38

Blobbitymacblob · 16/05/2025 21:19

22 years?

I’ve found since peri menopause started that things dh does/is that never bothered me are just divorce-worthy irritating some days. I look at him and cannot believe I married him.

Today isn’t one of those days and now I can’t remember why I couldn’t stand him last Tuesday and was working out the logistics of splitting up. We’ve had a great marriage and while he’s not perfect, neither am I.

So much sympathy for you because incompetence sounds utterly maddening.

Thank you. Solidarity. It feels so unfair like we are blaming ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:39

Rosierambles · 16/05/2025 21:36

@Blobbitymacblob I'm just the same. My tolerance threshold is way lower than it was and I could kill DH today. Everything from the way he ate his dinner noisily to buying the wrong wine that he likes and knows i don't , to not listening to something I already told him
I keep looking on rightlove for flats

Exactly this. It’s not our fault tho.

OP posts:
ItsStillWork · 16/05/2025 21:39

My dh is incompetent with most things to do with the household and kids etc but can do his job.

he got diagnosed with Autism this year

Original poster
UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:44

But why would he say such stuff when there’s no benefit to it? It just makes him look and sound stupid to be honest.
He can and does put the washing on without prompting, he can and does cook a meal if I’ve not started, and so on with lots of things so it’s not like I carry the household weight. He’s very fair and treats pretty much everything as joint, can be funny and so attentive and is great with the DC so if it weren’t for this (I don’t even know what to call it!) he’s pretty perfect.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 16/05/2025 22:12

UrghAgain · 16/05/2025 21:44

But why would he say such stuff when there’s no benefit to it? It just makes him look and sound stupid to be honest.
He can and does put the washing on without prompting, he can and does cook a meal if I’ve not started, and so on with lots of things so it’s not like I carry the household weight. He’s very fair and treats pretty much everything as joint, can be funny and so attentive and is great with the DC so if it weren’t for this (I don’t even know what to call it!) he’s pretty perfect.

Because he doesn’t care if he looks stupid to you

MindfulAndDemure · 16/05/2025 23:11

These replies are ridiculous. I'm sorry OP, but I can't say that any of your examples are of awful behaviour, just of someone speaking without thinking mostly.

I would suggest you consider which one of you has actually changed recently -has he become more scatterbrained or have you become more intolerant? I'm not saying that to be rude, but I think it's genuinely worth reflecting upon. I don't think it's wise to listen to posters who suggest you tell him to shape up or you'll kick him out -assuming you own the house jointly, you have no right to do that. Just like he would have no right to tell you to get out because you complained that he asked if you wanted a hot chocolate, or touched your daughters new haircut.

MeganM3 · 16/05/2025 23:15

Ah god I’d be driven mad by this.
I would have to have a very honest and pretty harsh conversation with him about what I expect from a partnership, and I didn’t get together with someone incompetent and frankly, dim. So I don’t want to be with someone like this now. Either he pulls himself together or you are in serious hot water as a couple.
It is so very unattractive… and it brings you down as well, as no sensible person would choose a life with someone who can’t engage their brain.

Or he should be tested for medical conditions.

Copernicus321 · 16/05/2025 23:25

Men can be strange. My DH cleans the house and does all the washing and changes the beds every Monday, even on bank holidays! Great I hear you say what's wrong with that, but hold on. He washes the radio in the kitchen. Radios and water don't mix, we are now on our 3rd.

Silsatrip · 16/05/2025 23:38

Executive dysfunction?

Can go alongside other things like adhd.

It's no joke. I watch dc having to work twice as hard just to function- remember homework etc. And beat themselves up about it.

The lack of attention to detail (buying the wrong steam cleaner), impulsiveness, fixation on details like football....it all sounds so familiar to me. I know it is so frustrating to live with but some people really struggle.

Silsatrip · 16/05/2025 23:41

Not retaining information is classic as well.

Ime humour can be used as a cover.

And self employment so they can use their own aids to manage things.

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