How would I manage this situation with an aging parent

[BlueBrickRoad]

Can I get some help managing this situation please?

My mother is in her 70s. She never learned how to use computers, the internet or smartphones. She doesn't even have a bank account or bank card. She gets her pension in cash from the post office. She does know that there is that internet world out there.

For years she would get me to help her by using this tech stuff to browse whenever she needed things like shoes or clothes or other things.

I remember having some dreadful situations over the past number of years from her inrealtion to online buying.

For example she wanted an outfit for a wedding and nothing she saw online was suitable but she fell in love with a dress that was out of stock. She became obsessed about that dress for months. 6+ months she would get me to check on the dress several times a week to see if it's in stock. She also wanted a whole entire outfit around that dress - she wanted a jacket, handbag, shoes to match but everything had to be in her price range as in Primark prices and she wanted me to magic this from the internet.

Another time she wanted to explore every single offer on an online shop but going through every single heading.

I can remember some days I had off from work and spending from morning til night doing this crap so none of my time was ever my own. If I wasn't working I wasn't expected to magive my mother's wants from the internet. She doesn't know how to use a computer or smart phone so she wants me to operate it all for her. I remember another weekend where she wanted to see every offer that Tesco groceries had. It took me over 8 hours on a Saturday and I still wasn't finished scrolling through all the offer pages. By Saturday night I had to make excuses that I am sick now and have to go to bed and will do the rest tomorrow. Another whole day in the Sunday until evening time doing the same. It was insanity. There are people going into jobs working similar hours getting hundreds in a wage but no way we're the offers translating into hundreds of savings. It made no sense.

Anyways she is requesting for me to help her shop online on a pound shop site. You see I recently made an order there and it came with the stickers all over the parcel so she knows they have an online shop. I did ask her if she wanted anything and she said she can't think of anything she would need to see what they have. I went ahead and made an online order without consulting with her if she wanted anything. I don't mind helping her if she has a general list of what she wants for example soap, toilet cleaner, etc.

She's requesting me to help her shop online on a poundshop now. I asked her does she have a list and she keeps barking at me that she needs to see what they have.

I'm not going into this, like this. I can't she will want me to show her every online page that they have. She will want to examine every single thing they have under every heading eh
Food and drinks
Toiletries
Garden
Home
Baby
Cleaning
Pets
Summer

Whatever headings they have she will want me to click on it all and show her and show her every thing.

I know myself a task like this will only take hours and hours and hours. I just don't have time for this. To work all week and then to get a day off which is so valuable and then spend my time like that. Where she won't even appreciate me anyways.

I went into work on Monday and Tuesday and had normal days. I went into work on Wednesday and had to stay overnight and worked all day on Thursday right up until 10pm at night. And my work week is still not done.

So my time is just never my own. My work is just too demanding and now this looming too from my mother. What she is doing is insanity too. To get me to browse for hours and hours and hours with 0 care and consideration and comprehension that my week was not a walk in the park with work.

If she made a list of things that she wants I can help her because it will narrow it down instead of browsing the internet aimlessly for hours and hours. But she won't make a list complaining that she has to see what they have. It's a poundshop. She's been in many poundshops before. Surely she has a general idea of what they have.

I thought of a scenario that I could implement and tell her that I can help her but I have to go at x time and give it an hour or two. Make up an excuse that I am meeting someone for lunch or dinner, have to go to work, or have an appointment. Just make it up and then stick to it and go. But then I thought deeper about this and I know my mother so much like the back of my hand and this isn't going to work. She will only just control the situation to say something like we will return to this tonight or tomorrow. It's still going to be hours and hours and hours of looking and browsing. I don't have this time to do this and it's also a level of insanity. If it was up to her she would get me to spend 8/9 hours on a day followed by the next day to this. When I do online shopping I know what I want. I don't go browsing every heading that a shop has. It's all so mindless from her. She would be able to go into town quicker.

She has no comprehension or understanding, care or empathy about my own life. In that I could do 50 hours in a week. Or I could go to work in the morning and not come back until night time and I am exhausted. But then she wants to consume whatever little time I have.

She already made a hint at this that she wants me to help her with an online shop.

I was nearly half thinking of lieing to her and read the small print on the shop and lie and say they are using a new green courier company and it will take a month for delivery. I know it's crazy but I just don't have time to sit down and do an online shop for hours and hours and hours and hours and possibly having another round of it the following day if she's not finished the first day. It's just too much and especially for what it is.

She would never go into a poundshop in the city and spend 7 or 8 hours or more in it followed by another day in it the next day so why do it online?

She doesn’t have a bank account?! How on earth does she pay for anything
what she expects of you is batshit crazy, controlling and demanding
she’s only in her 70’s and should and could learn to use a smartphone - loads of charities run courses for “silver surfers”
I feel for you because you’re in a horrible situation with your mum but I wouldn’t lie, I’d explain why you can no longer service her outrageous demands

Okay- yes she is being incredibly unreasonable. But I can’t think why you haven’t stood up to her before. Would you take this from someone at work? Absolutely not.

You need to start saying no. ‘I don’t have time for that, if you write a list I can help you but I don’t have all day.’ When you visit her tell her how long you are staying and stick to it- for example ‘I need to leave by 2’ and make sure you do. I know she’s your mum but you are enabling this behaviour. Local libraries do silver surfer courses to help older people get online, can you suggest that? Even if she point blank refuses it is just letting her know you won’t keep wasting your days off like this.

She could book a carer or companion visit from an agency - they could go through some of it with her (and be firmer when she’s out of time!). If you can’t just say no, tell her you’re doing more hours at work. And see if there is a U3A computer course she could do.

This is because she’s lonely, it’s nothing to do with stuff.

you need to start drawing boundaries, what do you want to do for you, don’t make it a lie, sorry mum we’ve got 2 hours before I need to go to yoga then I’m busy this weekend so won’t see you again until Monday so if you really want to spend all that time looking for stuff on the internet that we don’t really need then ok but wouldn’t you rather we had a cuppa and a chat.

what does she do when you’re not there

You need to grow some balls I’m afraid. If she wants to waste hours of time searching for and browsing crap - then she needs to learn how to do it herself. It’s not that hard!

My dad is 92. He’s the same - ish - although he does have a bank account and is quite happy ordering things over the phone. He’s no smartphone or internet though. If he needs something- from Amazon, say - like a new kettle - I have a look on my phone - show him a few and he picks the one he wants so I can order it for him. No way on god’s green earth would I spend a fraction of the time you do pandering to nonsense.

You’re being taken advantage of but the fault is yours as you’re enabling her.

Tell her politely, no. Not this time and not in the future.

If she is rude or gets angry then stop the contact.

I am serious. This is quite abusive. My husband puts up with this shit from a relative sometimes. Help me replace a lightbulb rapidly turns into help with all sorts that usually should involve a tradesman and consumes his day. I refuse to go visit with him and refuse to have them here. Even when the job is done it then becomes weeks of pain as it’s not done right (when it has been) or needs redoing or can we just do the two hour round trip to do another tiny job. No thanks, no help with anything we need in our lives offered and no end of trouble when he does help.

You deserve a break and some space on your day off. Not surfing the net on a whim.

I know what happens if I was to directly deny her so now I go about indirectly saying no. It's just like a toddler. If you tell a toddler no they will likely have a tantrum and you need a way of saying no without saying no - like we will look into that later. It's the same way with my mother. I used to help her more but I had to pull back big time by indirectly saying no and making excuses. She is now fixated on on this shop and online poundshop order. It will be just hours looking at mindless crap like washcloths even though she has plenty of them and they can be got anywhere.

I am running out of excuses. I am not able to tell her no directly. And I appreciate the people telling me to make a boundary with her but she won't be able to tolerate that. She's just like a toddler I find.

Sorry, but of course you just say no. Then let her have a tantrum.

You’ve no chance going forwards if you’re too frightened to tell her no. This situation will snowball until you’re nothing more than her personal slave with no life of your own. If you’re alright with that - crack on. If not - show some hair and put your bloody foot down.

What exactly do you mean - you can’t say no?? What is she seriously going to do - have a paddy like a 2 year old child? Great! Let her! Walk away and tell her you’ll come back when she starts to behave like a reasonable human being and until then - she’s on her own.

Trust me - unless you set some boundaries now - you’re going to spend the rest of your life that she’s alive miserable as sin. Woman up FFS….

Toddlers can tolerate a boundary, they just don’t always like it. The problem is you more you find ways to indirectly say no, the more your mum will keep asking. She needs to know it’s a definite no or she will keep going as she thinks you will change your mind and give in.

There’s some useful strategies been shared already, so you think visiting with a strict time limit would work? If she starts pestering you look at the pound shop website you can say ‘we’ve got 20 minutes (or however long), what do you want to look at today?’ Make a list as you go along. It will take her months but at least it will be in short manageable bursts if you don’t want to say a complete no to the pointless browsing.

My MIL is similar in believing in the magic properties of the internet to find whatever very specific thing she needs and because it’s shopping it’s me she asks rather than DH. I have told her I’m happy to have a quick look for things when we visit and do it with her sitting next to me as I don’t have the time or the will to dedicate my evenings to her latest quest.

Tell her the website isn’t working and offer to take her into the pound shop in town…

Don’t tell her no indirectly - tell her no directly and tell her your reasons and offer her some way out of it e.g find her a course as PPs advised. But once mentioned it don’t press and just remind her if she asks again.

You can still say no. As pp said, you say no and then you let her have her tantrum.

Can you sign her up to Amazon Prime with a bank account and funs so she can click away to her hearts content.

She sounds ridiculously annoying and selfish.

@BlueBrickRoad do you live together?

DRTWT as too long, but you are the mug here, OP. You need boundaries.

Why can't you say 'no' directly? This is not life and death stuff, so if you don't co it, there's no harm done. Time to grow a backbone and make your mother understand that your not there to help her fill every hour of the day. She's not particularly old - she is capable of doing things for herself.

I do not understand people like this (sorry op). Of course you can say no. Do it, and let her tantrum. Leave her to tantrum, or sit there and calmly drink your tea (or whatever). You are too busy for this ffs! You need to tell her that, set boundaries and stick to them.

They must do as how else is her mum paying bills without an account?

Has your mum always been like this @BlueBrickRoad ? I’ve only skimmed but not seen mention of your dad, did he usually handle things? Is there a reason why she hasn’t/can’t learn about the internet or a bank account, a learning disability or MH issues?

Does she have a learning disability of some kind? I'm wondering why she isn't able to manage a bank account.

It's very unusual nowadays for a pension to be paid in cash. How is that achieved? The DWP requires bank details when a person applies to claim the state pension. I don't think there's an option for cash payment, so I expect it would only be offered in exceptional circumstances, such as if someone was deemed incapable of managing a bank account.

I mean, I think you might have to say no and tolerate the fallout. Is there any reason, such as learning difficulties, or neurodiversity that make her quite so incapable of managing the modern world? This is not about age, she would have been working age when email, internet, computers became a thing. Any chance of teaching her?

My mum also never learned. I just say no to any more than I am prepared to do, which is way, way less than you are doing! She wants some birthday cards, I’ll just pick some generic ones on Amazon and send her a pack, for example.

It's not totally beyond the realms of possibility that OPs mum is technologically incapable. I have a friend who is only just 70, who has a bank account but can't (or won't) bank online, doesn't have a mobile phone and does all her purchasing over the telephone, and all her banking the same way. She can't email either. In her case it's slightly understandable because it's only her and her ASD son (who can use the internet but won't show her how to do anything and is completely convinced that everyone is trying to scam him and therefore won't even use a mobile phone). So nobody has ever shown her how to work the internet and she now can't see any reason to use it.

OP, you're just going to have to say no to your mum. You can show her details of 'beginners guide to the internet' courses and tell her you'll help her sign up for one of those - what would she do if anything happened to you? Life would be impossible!

You don’t need a bank account to pay bills! 😂

OP, my mum is the same as yours in that she doesn’t use any technology at all, doesn’t have a bank account etc, but she’s not particularly interested in doing any on line shopping either, and wouldn’t dream of throwing a tantrum. She’s perfectly happy and doesn’t cause me any extra work.

Your mum might behave like a toddler. But unlike a toddler, she doesn’t require constant supervision. You can laugh and say ‘absolutely not mum, I’ve been at work all week, I’m not spending all weekend showing you pound shop crap. You can have an hour on Saturday morning then I’m off’. And if she starts misbehaving, then you stand up, say ‘I love you mum, I’ll phone you later’ and walk out. I’m sure she didn’t give into your tantrums when you were a baby. You don’t have to give into hers now.