How would I manage this situation with an aging parent

[BlueBrickRoad]

Can I get some help managing this situation please?

My mother is in her 70s. She never learned how to use computers, the internet or smartphones. She doesn't even have a bank account or bank card. She gets her pension in cash from the post office. She does know that there is that internet world out there.

For years she would get me to help her by using this tech stuff to browse whenever she needed things like shoes or clothes or other things.

I remember having some dreadful situations over the past number of years from her inrealtion to online buying.

For example she wanted an outfit for a wedding and nothing she saw online was suitable but she fell in love with a dress that was out of stock. She became obsessed about that dress for months. 6+ months she would get me to check on the dress several times a week to see if it's in stock. She also wanted a whole entire outfit around that dress - she wanted a jacket, handbag, shoes to match but everything had to be in her price range as in Primark prices and she wanted me to magic this from the internet.

Another time she wanted to explore every single offer on an online shop but going through every single heading.

I can remember some days I had off from work and spending from morning til night doing this crap so none of my time was ever my own. If I wasn't working I wasn't expected to magive my mother's wants from the internet. She doesn't know how to use a computer or smart phone so she wants me to operate it all for her. I remember another weekend where she wanted to see every offer that Tesco groceries had. It took me over 8 hours on a Saturday and I still wasn't finished scrolling through all the offer pages. By Saturday night I had to make excuses that I am sick now and have to go to bed and will do the rest tomorrow. Another whole day in the Sunday until evening time doing the same. It was insanity. There are people going into jobs working similar hours getting hundreds in a wage but no way we're the offers translating into hundreds of savings. It made no sense.

Anyways she is requesting for me to help her shop online on a pound shop site. You see I recently made an order there and it came with the stickers all over the parcel so she knows they have an online shop. I did ask her if she wanted anything and she said she can't think of anything she would need to see what they have. I went ahead and made an online order without consulting with her if she wanted anything. I don't mind helping her if she has a general list of what she wants for example soap, toilet cleaner, etc.

She's requesting me to help her shop online on a poundshop now. I asked her does she have a list and she keeps barking at me that she needs to see what they have.

I'm not going into this, like this. I can't she will want me to show her every online page that they have. She will want to examine every single thing they have under every heading eh
Food and drinks
Toiletries
Garden
Home
Baby
Cleaning
Pets
Summer

Whatever headings they have she will want me to click on it all and show her and show her every thing.

I know myself a task like this will only take hours and hours and hours. I just don't have time for this. To work all week and then to get a day off which is so valuable and then spend my time like that. Where she won't even appreciate me anyways.

I went into work on Monday and Tuesday and had normal days. I went into work on Wednesday and had to stay overnight and worked all day on Thursday right up until 10pm at night. And my work week is still not done.

So my time is just never my own. My work is just too demanding and now this looming too from my mother. What she is doing is insanity too. To get me to browse for hours and hours and hours with 0 care and consideration and comprehension that my week was not a walk in the park with work.

If she made a list of things that she wants I can help her because it will narrow it down instead of browsing the internet aimlessly for hours and hours. But she won't make a list complaining that she has to see what they have. It's a poundshop. She's been in many poundshops before. Surely she has a general idea of what they have.

I thought of a scenario that I could implement and tell her that I can help her but I have to go at x time and give it an hour or two. Make up an excuse that I am meeting someone for lunch or dinner, have to go to work, or have an appointment. Just make it up and then stick to it and go. But then I thought deeper about this and I know my mother so much like the back of my hand and this isn't going to work. She will only just control the situation to say something like we will return to this tonight or tomorrow. It's still going to be hours and hours and hours of looking and browsing. I don't have this time to do this and it's also a level of insanity. If it was up to her she would get me to spend 8/9 hours on a day followed by the next day to this. When I do online shopping I know what I want. I don't go browsing every heading that a shop has. It's all so mindless from her. She would be able to go into town quicker.

She has no comprehension or understanding, care or empathy about my own life. In that I could do 50 hours in a week. Or I could go to work in the morning and not come back until night time and I am exhausted. But then she wants to consume whatever little time I have.

She already made a hint at this that she wants me to help her with an online shop.

I was nearly half thinking of lieing to her and read the small print on the shop and lie and say they are using a new green courier company and it will take a month for delivery. I know it's crazy but I just don't have time to sit down and do an online shop for hours and hours and hours and hours and possibly having another round of it the following day if she's not finished the first day. It's just too much and especially for what it is.

@BlueBrickRoad try the elderly parents board (it's in Other) but they will tell you the same thing that everyone else is saying - you need to say no and let her tantrum. Walk out if necessary.

You need to have therapy. And eventually you will understand that your mother is a bully, and does not care for you in the way that a mother should. The ONLY way to deal with this is to tell her no, it is unreasonable, and you will not be doing it. When she kicks off, you walk out and say you'll ring her next week. No contact until then. When you call her next week, if she even starts kicking off, you do the same thing again. If she continues to try to bully you, you say that you are no longer going to be bullied by her, you will await her apology. And that's it - no contact until she behaves.

Now I realise that this will take an emotional toll on you because you probably love your mum, and I realise that therapy costs money that you may not have and isn't an easy or quick process. But I also know that you will end up very ill and unable to help her at all if this carries on. I also know that what's needed is for you to stand up to your bully, even if that bully is your own mother.

I find myself wondering how old you are and how you cope/would cope with social commitments, a relationship, children, pets etc. in the mix - this sounds an utterly impossible demand on your time.

I'm sorry but if you're not willing to say no then nobody on here is going to have a magic solution for you.

No mum, I'm not spending hours showing you a website. If you want to look round a pound shop then I'll take you to the one in town.

It's that simple.

They pay it into a post office account that only receives the pension. You can’t set up DDs or anything. And then it’s withdrawn in cash from a post office counter each week using a post office card. They don’t like paying it into the post office anymore, and are trying to get people to convert to bank accounts, but they are still paying into the Post Office for people who don’t have them.

Contact your local council. They have befriender schemes. Or enrol her in a tech course for adults...
Or switch your WiFi off for the week end. Tell her they emailed you it will be down. What else will she do to occupy herself over the week end then? Make suggestions that don't include you.
Wean her off the Internet and off you.. Not sure how you haven't had a break down by now op.

I can't imagine spending 15 minutes on scrolling every offer on the Tesco site for someone else, let alone hours - I wouldn't even consider it, I would say no immediately. Why didn't you just say no and spare yourself this circus, you're a grown adult.

Fair enough about the bills not necessarily needing a bank account. I’d have thought many companies go through a direct debit now including internet providers but if a weekly pension can pay bills by cash then obviously I’m wrong.

I did do a search on the op as something felt ‘familiar’. My advice from reading their previous threads is that her mum (and very possibly the op themselves) needs a support worker or help from outside services. It’s not a healthy situation.

I owe you an apology I think. That sounded unnecessarily snarky, which wasn’t my intention, so I’m sorry. I wrote it as I thought it, which obviously was a silly thing to do.

No need to apologise, I didn’t take it as snarky. Very easy to accidentally give an off tone online, I rarely have my back up about a reply on MN unless it seems particularly nasty in tone (which yours wasn’t at all). Also easy to think you know better when I didnt in this case, live and learn!

She doesn't do this every week or every weekend by the way.

Regarding Tesco and online groceries she does still like to view the offers but I changed the situation a little bit in that I will search for some of her favourite things to see if they are on offer and I will say that Tesco doesn't have much offers this week, just stuff she's not interested in like wines and nappies. So that has helped. But I do remember times where she will want me to walk her through every offer and it was so bad because it took hours.

She doesn't request these shopping things often any more to help honest. She was worse a few years ago.

However she is displaying an interest in another online shopping spree on a poundshops site and it just fills me with dread. I asked for a list and all I got was aggro from her. If I had a list I think it would help and it would narrow it down. I just don't want to be scrolling aimlessly at the internet. I also know her so much. She will want me to connect the computer to the TV to the bigger screen or put in on the tablet and not only show her but let her hold it and then examine everything under each heading. It can take hours and hours and hours and hours.

So if she’s holding the iPad then she can use the Internet

There are two choices here. You start asserting boundaries and put up with the toddler tantrum, or you keep going as you are. DM isn't going to change, because she's happy with the situation and you continue to accept it.

Personally I'd pick option 1. If you won't, you're going to have to put up with it. I use won't rather than can't, because you have agency here and you can use it to directly refuse her.

I am astounded that you had the patience to get this far. As someone else said - she holds the ipad and looks herself otherwise it doesn’t happen. She can tantrum all she likes, you don’t have to be there. When she decides to be adult and respectful she can have your attention and time as a normal adult- if she doesn’t then you just ignore her until she does. Otherwise you are making a rod for your own back (sorry)!

A 2 year old can scroll on an iPad. She’s having you on.
Like a pp said, it’s probably her way of keeping your attention.

Have you tried telling her you'll help her learn to do it herself (by finding her a course) but won't do it for her anymore?

Just say no. N.O. Enough is enough, and if she wants to look at all this stuff, she is going to have to learn how.

Put your foot down. Let her rant.

Op do you live with your mum? Is that why it’s so hard to say no and risk a tantrum?

She can hold a tablet but she can't operate it. She wouldn't know how to operate all the different apps to gain access into a particular feature. She has to be told how to scroll and she can never remember any of it. She usually presses too hard too.

I think one of my siblings did try to teach her how to text and she did get it at one point around about 2008 but she lost it since then.

She really is clueless about anything beyond a TV remote and her own old style mobile.

So you just say no and what happens? Tantrum? Tough. Be absolutely obdurate, @BlueBrickRoad don't cave to her nonsense, you simply don’t have time for this madness.

Regarding your point about toddlers, I don’t redirect them. I just say no and put up with the tantrum. I know it’s hard with family

If you always give into toddler tantrums, you get a horrible child.

so don’t give in. “Sorry mum, what you’re asking will take hours, I can’t do it. I can give you half an hour to show you how to do it yourself but you can’t have days of my time for this.” “No, it’s completely unreasonable to ask me to spend two days scrolling the Tesco offers, if you won’t use the internet yourself you’ll have to go into store.”

keep saying no. She has a tantrum, you leave. Walk away and let her kick off.

Also OP- remember she’s not asking you to source medicine or do a basic shop, she’s asking for nice outfits or looking at the things from pound shop she doesn’t even need. It’s ok to tell her no. These are wants not needs.

she was in her 50s when you tried to teach her how to use the tech, which is an age most people are still working and are expected to learn how to use new technology at work. This is a choice she’s made and there’s down sides of those choices. It’s not your job to fix the downsides of another adults choices.

you might have to put up with a toddler tantrum- but why would you not shout back/walk away and refuse to see another adult again until you’d had an apology who threw a tantrum at you?

seems like your family have decided decades ago that as soon as the children became adults, you had to now look after your mother and it was ok for her to regress to childhood and be looked after. But that’s not something you do actually have to do.

You may be making things worse by giving excuses when you say no. Better to tell her that you simply don't have the time to follow up all this online shopping for her as well as working and having your personal life. It's impossible, and her demands are making you stressed. You might offer her say an hour a week to sit at the computer with her and order whatever she wants, but that's it and if whatever it is has gone out of stock she just can't have it.
It's a shame she doesn't get on with tech because it would give her hours of fun, though possibly end up bankrupting her too! But she's tried and can't manage it, so she'll have to accept whatever modest amount of help you can offer.

DH is 80 and hates the internet,but uses it . I am not a nice person ,I would just say “oh haven’t you heard , penny-pincher have been hacked just like the co op. It’s not safe and I’m not looking at them on line in case it’s catching. “Op you really must draw a line and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

It’s very bizarre she doesn’t have a bank account! Bank accounts are very old and cards have been around for decades.