How can I accept myself for how I look?

[Yacksparrow]

Does anyone have any tips on how I can just get over myself and accept that my face is my face and I can’t change it and to just get over it?!

I have always hated the way I look. I never have my photo taken, there are absolutely 0 photos of me and my fiancé around the house. We have been together 7 years and have about 5 pictures together. If I see a photo of myself it truly ruins my day. I know it sounds dramatic, and it is but I can’t help it, it’s my natural reaction. I get really hot and ashamed thinking people are seeing me looking like this. In reality, no one cares what I look like. But I feel such embarrassment that I left the house looking like I do. My friend has just sent some photos from her wedding and me and my friends are all laughing and having a good time and i can barely look at them. I have just skimmed my eyes over them because I just can’t come to terms with the fact that that’s me and it’s what I look like. I have my own wedding coming up and I have contemplated not having a photographer but we are obviouslt having one because it’s not just about me. But I know that I will hate every single photo and I don’t want to. I want to somehow overcome this by then. I want to look at my pictures and not care and just accept myself snd love my photos and see nothing but joy and love snd happiness. I want to be able to display them and enjoy looking at them.

It’s not all the time btw like when I look in the mirror I’m fine. I think I look fine. Which is why in photos it devastates me so much because I think… THATS what I looked like??? But it truly upsets me inside and then I get annoyed that it upsets me because who cares?!

Sorry to sound like a bell end, but are you objectively “ugly”, “unattractive” or is it that you just don’t like the way you look in photos?

As a quick holder answer, some people I know IRL are gorgeous. Like GORGEOUS. But just don’t photograph well.

I’m weird looking in real life with a strange mouth so look shit in the mirror and never get photos taken. I hide behind people if someone tries to include me in a group photo.

We got married in a Registry Office and I didn’t have any official photos although my sister chose to take a couple. She sent them to me but I’ve never bothered printing them out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have photos of the kids and grandkids etc. but none of me on display. I doubt anyone has noticed. 😂

Are there any poses where you feel more comfortable? Or even just one of you and DH looking at each other but taken from behind you IYSWIM?

Do you ever look at old photos of yourself? If so, what do you honestly think when you look at those?

I don’t think how you feel is uncommon at all. My mum used to tear up photos of herself.

You should have photos of yourself though, not for you but for your loved ones. i have photos of my great grandmother aged 14 years old! I always feel so grateful that her family made the effot to record her image.

When I look in the mirror I think I look “ok” but I know that I don’t really look like I do in the mirror. Because in photos I don’t recognise myself. And I know that’s the real me. People are like “why don’t you like the photo? That’s what you look like!” And then I just spiral thinking I can’t believe I’ve got a fiancé when I look like that! I feel genuine shame and embarrassment

I don’t have many old photos of myself because I’ve always felt this way. My grandparents used to bribe me with money to take a picture of me. My grandad would show me a picture of me as a toddler in his wallet and say “this is the last photo I have of you” and I would run away and hide and I was only like 6.

And then growing up I’ve just always been the same. I’m not in any group photos with my friends at festivals or on holidays or nights out or anything

Armchair psychologist here, but if you felt that way as a child, then it’s “not real”. Your feelings are valid, obviously, but this isn’t a “glow up” fix, because it’s in your mind.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist about this?

quite a few folk in my family are all objectively beautiful but incredibly unphotogenic.

I saw what is not a great pic of me from being a teenager over though and looking like I do know I can see how beautiful I was even in a crap photo. Now there’s no hope lol.

I know someone through work who is rather plain but excellent at make up and photography and looks so much in pics than real life. She had a rough time with OLD as she looks different in real life.

From here I learnt you can google more flattering poses/ stances little tricks like touching your tongue to the roof of your mouth I think. Finding colours that work for you.

Facial dysmorphia - even if you feel you are objectively unnatractive, it can still be dysmorphia. If you are over critical and spend a large amount of time thinking about your appearance. and become despairing about it.

Read the book overcoming low self esteem. Take it very seriously and make sure you complete all the exercises. It’s basically affordable do it yourself therapy. It’s written by a doctor, utilises cbt and is on the nhs recommended reading list.

I totally totally relate OP. You're not alone.

People call me "pretty" and I guess I could be considered "pretty" but I'm not classically "good looking" and very much un-photogenic. If you caught me at the right angle I'd look "pretty" if you caught me at the wrong angle I'd look quite grim.

The camera doesn't like me , my features just aren't "strong" (chinny, long face, no eyebrows - tattooed on) and fatty cheeks and disappearing eyes when I smile. I look better if I don't smile ! My features just aren't fit for a camera. I can become very low on myself when looking at photographs if taken from a poor angle or they've caught me wrong. I am very self critical though. Some days (if my hair goes right and make up sits well, I feel pretty) if not, I feel really unattractive.

I totally understand. Some "plain" people (like Katie Holmes) have good, strong features and are photogenic and considered "attractive" even though they're not "pretty" as such , and I think that's easier to work with personally!

I think "beauty" has changed. "Pretty" was what was desired in the 20s, 30s, 40, 50s etc. I'd probably have liked how I look more if I was in that era. Now, it's all about symmetry, and angles and bone structure and long, straight figures. Even if you're "plain" you're considered "better looking" and more desirable than someone who is "pretty".

I've ran on a bit. But yes solidarity, I get it.

I've just decided I'm not even going down the "tweeks" route. I'll just start picking on the next feature that I'm unhappy with and it'll become an obsession. My DH thinks I'm gorgeous and my children love me and at least I am "pretty" by a few peoples standards, some people have a lot harder luck, looks wise. Sorry you feel the way you do x

This reminds me of a friend. She was the same but older. She has zero photos of her with her kids, who are adults now. Not even holding them as babies. It’s really sad.

Even if someone was objectively “ugly” (which I’m sure you’re not), it’s not a way to live.

Have you tried flipping photos so they are mirror images, you might feel different about them if you look more like "you" as you normally see yourself?

I went to a dance school from the age of 3-21. I made my best friends for life there who are actually going to be my bridesmaids at my wedding. I don’t have one single photo of us together from dancing. I would absolutely love to have pics of us all together in our various costumes, we even went to Disneyland Paris to dance there and I would’ve loved to have those photos now. My mum would beg me to have a pic in my costumes when I was a child but I would get so worked up about it and turn away because even then I hated what I saw on the picture and felt embarrassed about myself. But I’ve only got worse looking with age (and I’ve gone from a size 8 to a 12 which I’m struggling with)

I do think this is something you may need therapy for. Even if you are utterly hideous to look at you wouldn’t deserve the level of distain you seem to have for yourself. You wouldn’t think that about anyone else no matter how ugly.

I actually disagree with this.
I have two DD’s who I would say are average looking. One looks stunning in photos and one looks okay; it’s just that some people are more photogenic.
If you really don’t like the way you look; can’t you just add some filters? Isn’t that what lots of people do anyway?

Katie Holmes, plain?!? In what world? She bagged Tom Cruise for Christ's sake! 😆

OP, I'm sure you look lovely. Choose your favourite feature and focus on that, be it a gorgeous smile or great hair or an elegant neck.

That's me too! There's 0 zero pictures of me in the house, me and dh joked about how difficult it will be to present a picture of me to the police if I have gone missing! I think I look acceptable in the mirror but I truely look awful on pictures, I am very not photogenic. Have you seen video of yourself, I think people look more real on videos than photo, a person who is photogenic don't always look the same in real life.

Another armchair expert here, and I have to agree. It's clearly an overreaction, so you should do some digging: it screams "parental complex" to me.

I got really upset over a photo of myself last summer. I was working in a river so I was never going to look glamorous but jfc I looked awful. I know it sounds dramatic but in one moment the image I'd held of myself for many years was shattered. I haven't allowed anyone to take my photo since and I'm not sure I ever will again.

I have a friend who studied photography and I've always liked the photos she's taken of me. She said things like the size of the lens and the angle its held at matter a lot. And the lighting of course.

I recently stumbled across a video of me from 13 years ago, under stage lighting. I looked great. I wasted so much time worrying about how I looked when I looked fine. So I tell myself I probably still look fine and there's no point worrying.

I'm only coming on to comment that humans used to only rarely catch their reflections in a still puddle and even when I was young (50s) photos weren't all that common compared to now where people take 300 pictures a day. Not surprised some of us don't see ourselves in the photos taken. I suspect you are being overly harsh on yourself though. I don't have any wedding photos and also try to avoid all pictures now due to my size so I do understand to some degree.

I’m not very photogenic. I look in real life. I’ve seen videos and f myself and I look fine. But in photos something weird happens to my face!! That said I recently looked through some photos from a race a took part in and bloody hell, I actually look ok. So maybe I just need to be running in every photo!!

OP this isn’t an issue with how you look. It’s an issue with how you see yourself. You have friends, family and a partner who love you. I’m sure you don’t look as bad as you think you do.

Have you tried looking at the other people in the photo? The photos of you laughing with your friends shows how much they love you and that they don’t care what you look like?
I have a couple of photos with my kids which I hate because I look huge and unkempt but if you zoom into their faces they are absolutely gazing adoringly.

you could ask your wedding photographer to focus on other people looking at you?

Agree to the agree!

My next thought was “how did your mother speak of herself/other females/you?”

My mother was so so critical and it definitely made me my own worst critic for a long time.

But she is plain. She's very "normal" looking. She's not "pretty" but she's got good features. That's what I'm getting at. What we think of as "pretty" has changed. Marilyn monroe with her bouncy blonde curls and red lippy and voluptuous curves would not appeal to men or even other women today. When you think of Katie Holmes - she's boyish slim, no curves or boobs, mid brown hair, minimal make up. But very symmetrical and inoffensive features - I'm not criticising the woman at all. I'm just using her as an example, that what we think of as "pretty" or "gorgeous" has changed.