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Original poster

Is this a terrible slight, or one of those things that people need to do when they're feeling low.

43 replies

Icexream · 14/05/2025 00:34

BF of 6m is SE and has lost a couple of his bread and butter contracts, so he's worried.

So far in our relationship he's been 100% reliable, makes and sticks to plans, calls when he says he will etc and generally kind and good company, keen to see me.

In the last few days he's been really low, the first time I've seen it in him.

I text him earlier to suggest a walk after work, thinking getting out in the sunshine might do him good. He didn't look at the message until I would have been on my way if we were going, so I called him and he didn't pick up.

He's admitted he deliberately ignored my call because he didn't want to see anyone. He promises it wasn't anything against me, he just wanted to be alone. We did meet up later in the evening, he's been honest (I think) , apologised profusely, and said seeing me has made him feel a lot better.

But there's something niggling that even if he didn't want to see "anyone" he should still have wanted to see me...

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/05/2025 01:03

Why?

I've been with DP for 20 years. She's everything to me. I'd be absolutely devastated if we ever split up.

But when I've had a really bad day, I just want to be alone, so I hide away on the computer and shoot zombies all evening. Partly it's because I just don't want to engage with anyone, partly it's because I don't want to inflict my grumpyness on her.

There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone from time to time, and being able to ask for it without negative repercussions is a healthy thing in a relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2025 01:08

What Vimes said. Sometimes the world is horribly full of people. When I have a day off I like DH to be in the office not WFH. I adore him. But I also adore some alone time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2025 01:08

What Vimes said. Sometimes the world is horribly full of people. When I have a day off I like DH to be in the office not WFH. I adore him. But I also adore some alone time.

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Original poster
Icexream · 14/05/2025 01:11

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/05/2025 01:03

Why?

I've been with DP for 20 years. She's everything to me. I'd be absolutely devastated if we ever split up.

But when I've had a really bad day, I just want to be alone, so I hide away on the computer and shoot zombies all evening. Partly it's because I just don't want to engage with anyone, partly it's because I don't want to inflict my grumpyness on her.

There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone from time to time, and being able to ask for it without negative repercussions is a healthy thing in a relationship.

I get that completely, but why not say that rather than ignoring my call/message?

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/05/2025 01:18

Maybe he just needed a couple of hours to decompress before talking to anyone.

There's nothing wrong with ignoring your phone for a bit if you need some space. It's not like he left you hanging for so long that you'd be getting worried about him.

Crushed23 · 14/05/2025 01:28

No. Give him space. It’s fine to want alone time, even when in a relationship.

Graceunderfire567 · 14/05/2025 01:30

Icexream · 14/05/2025 01:11

I get that completely, but why not say that rather than ignoring my call/message?

Show quote history

Maybe he was hoping that you would take the hint? I don’t mean to be harsh; I agree it would be a lot better if he had communicated properly. Give him some space and he will bounce back to you once he is feeling less stressed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2025 01:40

Icexream · 14/05/2025 01:11

I get that completely, but why not say that rather than ignoring my call/message?

Show quote history

I do this when I can’t face it. And TBH you do sound as though two things are true… That you wouldn’t have taken a ‘don’t want to hang out’ well. After all you did think you shouldn’t count for the wanting to be alone. And, that you might be a little Mary Poppins for a low mood. You know, ‘get out in the sunshine, a walk will do you good, buck up’. When some of us need a good wallow and some alone time.

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/05/2025 01:55

If he had answered your message and said he just wanted to be alone to feel down for a little while what would your response have been? Would you have respected that? He didn't want to have a discussion about it. He took the time he needed and then got in touch.

MarkingBad · 14/05/2025 02:01

I had a very stressful job at one point I would turn off all phones, no computer and sit in the cold and the dark until I could manage to function.

He doesn't revolve around you nor you him. When people need to be alone that's what they mean, alone.

Original poster
Icexream · 14/05/2025 07:49

OK, I accept I'd have probably tried to persuade him he did need the walk if he'd called, lesson learned thank you.

Later on in th evening, he did come round, having previously said he wanted a night in and an early night. It was his decision to come afterall and I did say at a respectable time, "do you want to go, you wanted an early night", but he didn't and stayed until after midnight in the end.

I might see him at a thing we both usually go to tonight (usually important to him), but neither of us will be there because of the other iyswim, so no plans to meet as such. So, do I contact him to ask how he is today? Do I leave it and see if he's there tonight? What do I do if he's not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Icexream · 14/05/2025 07:50

MarkingBad · 14/05/2025 02:01

I had a very stressful job at one point I would turn off all phones, no computer and sit in the cold and the dark until I could manage to function.

He doesn't revolve around you nor you him. When people need to be alone that's what they mean, alone.

Yes, but he didn't say that.

OP posts:
blubbyblub · 14/05/2025 07:54

you sound like you are still struggling with accepting or believing that it’s normal for many people to just shut down.
nit saying he is but for neurodiverse people it’s 100% par for the course. And for many NT people too.

please genuinely understand and accept this because if you keep on at him or make it about you you will add stress onto an overwhelmed system and it will ruin your relationship.

it’s what he needs. He can’t message because it will involve a bigger conversation with you which he can’t deal with.

Original poster
Icexream · 14/05/2025 07:57

blubbyblub · 14/05/2025 07:54

you sound like you are still struggling with accepting or believing that it’s normal for many people to just shut down.
nit saying he is but for neurodiverse people it’s 100% par for the course. And for many NT people too.

please genuinely understand and accept this because if you keep on at him or make it about you you will add stress onto an overwhelmed system and it will ruin your relationship.

it’s what he needs. He can’t message because it will involve a bigger conversation with you which he can’t deal with.

No one's "keeping on at him". I don't think it's OK just to disappear leaving someone who loves you worried about what the hell's going on though.

Once I knew he was still alive, I told him to take the time last night and he chose not to.

OP posts:
Oftenaddled · 14/05/2025 08:02

Not looking at your phone for two hours and not answering one call isn't something that should have people worrying you are dead.

If you were really worried about this, please look at your own stress or anxiety levels. It's not good for you to hold other people responsible for reassuring you so often. And it makes you suffer when you interpret a normal human stress reaction as a possible terrible insult.

Please step back and remember that everyone is different and that other people don't know or follow your unwritten rules. It's good that the two of you have talked. Build on that by carrying on as normal if that doesn't involve demanding attention.

CheFaro · 14/05/2025 08:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2025 01:40

I do this when I can’t face it. And TBH you do sound as though two things are true… That you wouldn’t have taken a ‘don’t want to hang out’ well. After all you did think you shouldn’t count for the wanting to be alone. And, that you might be a little Mary Poppins for a low mood. You know, ‘get out in the sunshine, a walk will do you good, buck up’. When some of us need a good wallow and some alone time.

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Exactly this.

StMarie4me · 14/05/2025 08:05

Icexream · 14/05/2025 01:11

I get that completely, but why not say that rather than ignoring my call/message?

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When a person is very low, they sometimes don’t have the emotional energy to respond to a message. Don’t over think it.

Stinksmum · 14/05/2025 08:06

I sometimes ignore the phone & don't answer messages, I just want some time to myself. It's only recently, with the advent of Mobiles, that we seem to be contactable 24 hours a day. People start demanding/expecting replies to messages ASAP. There's never any time to decompress. Personally I think this is bad for our mental health.

BeachRide · 14/05/2025 08:08

You were worried he might be dead after 2 hours non-communication? That's not healthy. How old are you, OP? I'm guessing you have only lived during a time of mobile phones?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/05/2025 08:10

Icexream · 14/05/2025 07:57

No one's "keeping on at him". I don't think it's OK just to disappear leaving someone who loves you worried about what the hell's going on though.

Once I knew he was still alive, I told him to take the time last night and he chose not to.

Show quote history

"Once I knew he was still alive"

How long did he not respond to you for yesterday? Because you're making it sound like it was a day or more but from your timeline of your evening you've described it surely can't have been more than a few hours.

He didn't disappear on you, he didn't go off grid. He just didn't pick up his phone for a few hours.

As for today, just treat it as you normally would. Just because yesterday he needed some space, doesn't mean he will today.

Original poster
Icexream · 14/05/2025 08:12

BeachRide · 14/05/2025 08:08

You were worried he might be dead after 2 hours non-communication? That's not healthy. How old are you, OP? I'm guessing you have only lived during a time of mobile phones?

It wasn't two hours. It was six, and I knew he was feeling low and he was behaving very out of character. Maybe I didn't really think he was dead, but I was very worried about him.

OP posts:
JoanOgden · 14/05/2025 08:15

If you'd had a pre-arranged plan to meet and he had ignored your message/call that would have been bad. But you didn't - it was just an idea you'd had during the day.

So I think you can cut him a bit of slack. Don't do that thing some people do where they use worrying about someone as justification for bothering that person in a way that makes them unhappier.

MinkyWales · 14/05/2025 08:18

As an aside, I am considering having a t shirt made with “what would @MrsTerryPratchett do?” printed on it.

Your posts are consistently perfect.

CheFaro · 14/05/2025 08:23

MinkyWales · 14/05/2025 08:18

As an aside, I am considering having a t shirt made with “what would @MrsTerryPratchett do?” printed on it.

Your posts are consistently perfect.

Agreed, and it manages not to be at all annoying that they are. Are you really the sane, practical, thoughtful and generally ‘together’ person you appear on here, @MrsTerryPratchett? It would console me slightly for the current clusterfuck of my life if you said ‘Actually I am hiding under the kitchen table…’😀

Jk987 · 14/05/2025 08:23

You’ve only been together 6 months, let the relationship breathe. It should very much be the fun honeymoon stage.