Is this a terrible slight, or one of those things that people need to do when they're feeling low.

[Icexream]

BF of 6m is SE and has lost a couple of his bread and butter contracts, so he's worried.

So far in our relationship he's been 100% reliable, makes and sticks to plans, calls when he says he will etc and generally kind and good company, keen to see me.

In the last few days he's been really low, the first time I've seen it in him.

I text him earlier to suggest a walk after work, thinking getting out in the sunshine might do him good. He didn't look at the message until I would have been on my way if we were going, so I called him and he didn't pick up.

He's admitted he deliberately ignored my call because he didn't want to see anyone. He promises it wasn't anything against me, he just wanted to be alone. We did meet up later in the evening, he's been honest (I think) , apologised profusely, and said seeing me has made him feel a lot better.

But there's something niggling that even if he didn't want to see "anyone" he should still have wanted to see me...

When I feel I've had enough of life, I don't want to see anyone, however close. I put a "do not disturb" notice on my door (as kindly neighbours often come calling for a chat) and my phone is on silent.

I want space to regroup. I want to be alone and de-stress....in fact it's very healthy and enables me to be my normal happy self most of the time.
I would be even more so if I was particularly "low" for whatever reason.
I do not want to explain myself to anyone when I want down time, and if I were with a partner I would expect them to be understanding, not making it worse.

You are sounding like just the sort of person I'd need to shut off from.
Give him some space when he needs it and stop being so demanding that you need to hear from him every couple of hours.

And in answer to your question, no, it isn't a 'slight' at all, nothing to do with you as a person or your relationship, and yes, this is something that many people do when they're feeling low.

I agree, @MrsTerryPratchett is a very wise one.

Personally I think going silent for a few hours or even a day now and then isn't unreasonable for someone who is struggling. It's when people do it for prolonged periods that I think they are treating the people close to them badly.

When I'm having a low day I just need peeople to fuck off for a while, its ok to just sit with that negativity for a few house because lets be honest life is sometimes shit

Let him have his alone time ffs. You sound hard work.

I love the bones of my dh, he's an amazing and truly supportive human being. But sometimes I just need to be left the fuck alone! Fortunately after 3 decades together he can recognise when this is, and realises it's not about me wanting to ignore/avoid him, just needing to be by myself.

The not responding to your call/message was him telling you he needed to be left alone, he didn't need to actually say the words.

Because accepting your call would require him explaining what is wrong, which you will then try to fix, which will make him feel worse as he has to continue to explain something he didn't want to talk about in the first place. Just accept that he responds differently to being low than you do and, now you know that, try not to be offended if he doesn't pick up when he's having a bad day.

Agreed.

He needs to be comfortable to say "I'd like some time to myself at the moment; I'll get in touch when I feel more sociable".

You need to be comfortable that him wanting time alone is a perfectly normal thing and does not mean that he likes you any less.

Neither of those things are true at the moment. This might be because it's still a comparatively early stage of your relationship, but it highlights things to work on if you see this relationship lasting long term.

Sometimes I need complete "nothingness" when I'm low. I can't work out how to say what I want to do I don't open messages, I don't really speak to anyone and so on, til I'm ready. If I speak when I feel like this, what will actually happen is I'll cry.

Now, DH is aware of this, we've been together a very long time, we obviously live together and I am now able to say "I need nothing" and he'll understand what it is that's happening. It's nothing to do with anyone else, it's entirely a me thing.

You've only been together six months, so you're still new to him. One day, if you stay together, he'll be able to give you his signal that this is one of those moments for him and you'll know. But it's not you. It's just how some people get through some things.

If it helps, things have to be REALLY bad in my head for me to get like this. Him worrying about his livelihood is probably really bad in his head. You'll be ok.

You're turning this into a drama that it doesn't need to be. Step back, learn to recognise that he needs time alone sometimes, chill out yourself.

There's no drama. It was the first time I'd seen him like that and I was worried. I know now and I've said that up thread.

OK, this is an opportunity for you to be honest with each other about your needs and your expectations for communication. Think of it as an inflection point in your relationship - you've not dealt with each other's expectations and norms in this sort of situation before.

You: express to him that when you don't hear from him you really worry. Give him permission to say that he wants to be alone, without guilt or repercussions. Commit to yourself that you will respect that and not feel "slighted" or try to change his mind when he's been honest about his wants/needs. Accept that sometimes those needs will change, particularly if he isn't in a good headspace.

Him (if he's worth it): will accept that you need to know he's ok when his mood is low, and that will not intentionally ignore your calls/messages for an extended period. Will commit to being honest about how he's feeling and trust that if he does tell you he wants to be alone, that you will respect it.

I think if you look more closely at your heart you would acknowledge you were just as worried about yourself?

But you knew he meant that by his actions and by saying he wanted a night in and early night. Even though he changed his mind in the end

Because at that moment in time, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He didn’t want to answer his phone or reply to a message. I hate this idea that if someone phones or messages us, we’re obligated to answer/reply. We’re not. If someone phones me, I answer if it’s convenient to me and if I want to talk to them in that moment.

Hi OP, I second some of the first replies of the thread. But I just wanted to say that I get your concerns (and don't think they are "drama" or anything like that).
At 6 months, this is a "baby" relationship: you are still getting to know the core basics of your partner's temperament (and this never ends, actually), and also are learning how are you both together. So it's normal that when you encounter your "firsts", you doubt and get concerned.
And that is precisely what this is: a first. The first time you've encountered your partner to be low and your coping styles to be different. It's perfectly normal: none of you are doing anything "wrong", it's just that you need to keep getting to know eachother. And I agree with the pp who said this is a good opportunity to learn about the other and to talk, when the issue arises, about preferences and expectations.
Good luck with it all 💐

<waves>

@CheFaro@Cuppachuchu@Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuffand Minky. I’ve made some utterly batshit decisions in my life. And messed things up royally. Much of the advice on here comes from that. Anyone can give advice, but you have to have done some idiotic stuff to feel empathy when other people do the same. Things are pretty good for me now. But that’s hard won!

OP I hope you go to your thing tonight and it goes well.