DS didn't turn up for his first GCSE exam today

[strugglingmum0]

Not sure where to start really. DS is 15, supposed to be sitting his first GCSE today, the one subject he actually likes and is good at. Promised me he’d go, even got up this morning, got dressed, grabbed his bag. Thought we’d turned a corner. But he never showed. Didn’t go in.

Didn’t answer his phone all day. I was sick with worry and he rolls in at 5pm like nothing. We ended up rowing and he told me to “fuck off and stop being a psycho.”

He’s out again now, no clue where. Prob with that lot he hangs round with. Same story. Drinking. Weed. Shoplifting. Fighting. Has been brought home by police more than once. Barely been to school in months. Teachers gave up ages ago. I’ve done everything. Tough love, soft love, family support, youth workers, GP. Nothing sticks.

And the worst part? I’ve just been diagnosed with cervical cancer. Stage 2. Haven’t told him. Don’t even know how. Not sure he’d give a shit tbh.

I’m on my own with him. No dad in the picture. No other kids. No real support. I’m just sat here crying into my tea like a mug.

What the hell do I do

Sorry to read about your diagnosis. You must be going through a very rough time.

Regarding your son, you can lead a horse to water and all that. It sounds like you’ve done a lot to try and help.

Where’s his father in all this? And why did he get to go out after skipping an exam and being AWOL before swearing at you?

I’m sorry, I have no advice but a big hug. What a shit situation. I think you need to tell him and I hope the shock kicks him into some sort of responsible action. I hope your treatment goes well.

I'm so sorry that you're ill, OP.

You say 'that group' that he hangs around. Is there any chance you could move away from the area that you're in? I know that's not always an option, but it would break the cycle of him being able to (easily) see them and would be a fresh start for the both of you. I know that moving isn't also an easy option when you're ill, however.

Sorry to hear your news. I hope you're ok. Once your son has left school and is in the big, wide world, his view about his future may change. He might consider an entry level college course or a training scheme when he sees his friends moving on and learning to drive etc.

I'd forget the exams. If he hasn't been to school in months the reality is that he isn't going to pass and even if he passes the odd one it isn't going to be enough to get the 'level 2' (5 x grade 4 or above inc maths and english language) he needs to progress. This morning for most was English Lit so not one he was going to pass without some work.

I'd concentrate any effort you have the capcity for in getting him a college place on a level 1/2 course. Find something he's interested in that will engage him and focus on that.

OP I am so sorry that you are having such an awful time. Personally I think you should focus on yourself and as long as your son is safe, then let him crack on.
School is not for everyone unfortunately and you cannot manhandle a 15 year old boy into an exam Hall, even if you could he would probably walk out.
I am not saying wash your hands of him, just that now you need to perhaps choose the road of least resistance for your health.
He will still be able to go to college and have to do maths and English alongside any thing he does even if he does an apprenticeship in groundwork.
It is tough being a single parent to a teenage lad, it sounds like you are doing your best, don't feel judged. 💕

I agree with the previous poster that I would try not to get too worked up about the exams - you have more to think about at the moment. If he's not been in he's very unlikely to pass - in fact a pass would give him a very bad message, really.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. What will happen now regarding treatment?

It must be so hard for you on your own with your son if he's mixing with a bad crowd and is horrible to you on top of that.

Why did you row with him? I get that he might get heated but could you not keep your cool? I only say that because rowing is not going to achieve anything so it's pointless and just puts an end to discussion.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis. I think you should try and focus on yourself, your emotional and mental wellbeing and leave it to him to decide if he is going to sit exams or not. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't. Your health needs to take priority so try to take the pressure off yourself. You can't make him do anything so don't wear yourself out trying.

I agree with pp that he is unlikely to get what he needs anyway at this stage. And be wont want to sit the exams and have confirmed fails when he can say he didnt show up and save face, mainly with himself.

I’ve done everything. Tough love, soft love, family support, youth workers, GP. Nothing sticks
Could the issue be a lack of consistency? Trying lots of different methods rather than having clear and consistent boundaries. What happens when he breaks the law etc?

what hobbies and interests does he have or when was the last time he had structured hobbies?

Huge sympathies from me. I had one who barely engaged with school. Managed a year of college before he called it a day. I was tearing my hair out.

Now thriving in an actual job where he sees the point of turning up and out earning me at the same age in multiples.

I am so sorry to hear you are unwell OP.
You must be unbearably worried with two huge things going on in your life.
I have no useful advice,but I am thinking of you and sending you all my best wishes. ❤

You need support for yourself and to concentrate on your health. Do you have friends or family who can help with that? He's messing up at the moment but you can't physically force him to turn up for exams. There may be some pressure you can apply, perhaps financial, but look after you first.

Not getting any GCSEs first time doesn't mean a total disaster, so there's no point in worrying. Worrying achieves nothing.
Maybe sit him down and tell him about the cancer diagnosis and that you'd really like him to be around in the evenings this summer to put your mind at rest while you have treatment, and you can discuss his next steps. Dont put responsibility on his shoulders but do let him know that you need him to just calm down a bit to take the load off you.
There are loads of interesting apprentices and courses that will make sure he gets his GCSEs or equivalents. This summer could turn things around.

I have good friends who had 3 DS's. All were brought up the same. Eldest 2 DS's did well at school, went to Uni and got good jobs. Youngest DS started hanging around with drug users and started taking drugs. He was caught shop lifting and given a police warning. The parents struggled to deal with him. In the end they decided to move to an area about 120 miles away. It took time but younger DS restarted school in year 10, made different friends, no phone for 3 months and eventually went on to become a lawyer. My friend says she just knew she had to get him put of the gang of losers he hung around with. It wasn't easy as they moved without having her DH having a job. I hope you get good care OP and cancer can be treated. Any chance you could move to a different area?

Honestly, maybe telling him might shock him to his senses a bit?

I disagree about telling him there is clearly something underlying going on.

Because this situation seems quite desperate and you are unwell I would totally do something unexpected
The next time you see him when all is calm... Apologise to him for our stupid school system and the fact people who are not suited to exams are forced to take them. Tell him you love and support him regardless and that you trust him to make things right. Maybe not right now but at some point you know he will find his way

So he doesn't learn it's unacceptable to tell his mother to fuck off?..

It's a tough situation, sometimes the best thing to do is sit down calmly and say l got you this far, now it's down to you. Put the ball in his court. Tell him you have other stuff to worry about such as your health. You need to tell him, it might put things in perspective.
I wish you the best of luck regarding your cancer diagnosis. You need to concentrate on you now, your son will most probably turn things around, GCSEs can be taken further on down the road, or there are other options available.
I feel for you and hope you get much support.

Thanks everyone who’s replied, honestly wasn’t even sure about posting. Appreciate it.

His dad’s long gone – dipped out when DS was 3. No contact. No money. Nothing. Couldn’t even pick him out of a line-up.

Couple of you mentioned moving – not really an option. Council place, years to get it, nowhere else to go, can barely afford what I’ve got now. And tbh it’s not even just the area, it’s him. He finds trouble wherever he is.

Re: the treatment – Docs reckon it’ll be chemo + maybe surgery. Not sure how I’m meant to juggle it all on my own but I’ll have to. Don’t even know if I should tell him. Some of you said it might shock him into realising but I just don’t know. I don’t know if he’d care. Might just use it as another excuse to go off the rails.

As for mates – he doesn’t really have any ‘normal’ friends anymore. Used to do football every week, proper loved it, but stopped going last year. Drifted from all the lads there. His best mate (well, only real proper mate) blocked him on everything a few months back cos of how he was being – weed, stealing, just being a nightmare. She told him she needed to focus on her GCSEs. Since then it’s all been worse. He’s only around the ones who drink and cause trouble now.

I do have a few close mates, yeah – they’re lovely but they’ve all got their own stuff going on. They check in but they don’t really get it.

Look after yourself, op

Apologise to him for our stupid school system and the fact people who are not suited to exams are forced to take them
What??

I am going to be shot down in flames for this. But hey ho....wouldnt be the first time.

Go nuclear.

"I am done. YOu make your choices and bear the consequences. I will not pick up the pieces for you. Yesterday I was told that I have cancer and will need a lot of treatment. I wont be able to do the washing, cook the meals etc, you will need to step up and take care of yourself more. If you choose not then that is on you but right now I need to take care of myself"

Then stop. Stop responding to anything other than kindness. Ignore deliberate provocation, let him go and be an arse to try and make you react....Stop.

He thinks that right now he can do anything as you will always be there. So he needs to get big fat dose of reality.

I wish the absolute best in your recovery, and my sympathies regarding your son. My youngest DS was like this and he got a big bad shock and that was what shook him out of it. ....

In his case, it was calling the police on me for alleged abuse, them giving him the bollocking of a lifetime and threatening to arrest him for wasting their time. SS were informed and he had weekly meetings with a SW and half the school SLT for 6 months due to his behaviour.
Now he is at Uni and calls me twice a week, more than he ever spoke to me when he was in his worst phase living at home!

Agree with the poster above about giving him it from both barrels. All this “there must be something going on with him, tell him you love him” and “say sorry that our education system isn’t being nice to him” is eye roll inducing. Always the victim while others need to suffer from their behaviour.

He wants to act like a big man, telling the only parent who’s ever bothered with him to fuck off? Then treat him like it. Don’t give him a penny of your money, don’t pay his phone bill and call the police if he ever gets violent or damages your home. If he wants to head down the route of drugs, theft and zero qualifications, he’ll soon see how utterly shit that lifestyle is.

I think this is good, practical advice.
I’m so sorry to read of your diagnosis.
If I were you I wouldn’t tell him just yet - I think it might end up complicating things and may prevent you from focusing a bit more on yourself.
Also if you were my friend I’d want to give you support where I could - I hope you can confide in someone.

I’m really sorry you’re ill and wish you all the best. It sounds really tough. I would echo others advice to probably stand back a bit and put the ball in his court. I think if you continue to push it will just cause lots of extra stress to you for probably very little impact. I can imagine it’s absolutely horrible but working lives are long these days and people who have had major struggles as teenagers can still take exams when they’re older and more mature.

I would advise leaving telling him about your cancer diagnosis until after his exams are finished. I think there’s a chance he might retrospectively use it as an excuse or weapon later down the line, perhaps trying to reframe missing the exams due to upset at your health.

again, sending lots of good wishes xx